


Changes

by Double99



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-07-05 09:45:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 87,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15861144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Double99/pseuds/Double99
Summary: They haven’t seen or spoken to each other in almost seven years, they live different lives and a lot has changed, but when they bump into each other one night, old memories and feelings resurface. This is a story about reconnecting ex-lovers, trying to deal with everything that has changed over time.





	1. Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea after watching "Le Passé devant nous". The storyline in this fic is completely different from the one in the movie. I only projected Alice's feelings onto Delphine, because I thought it could be quite interesting to see her deal with such feelings. In this fic, Cosima and Delphine never saw each other again after Delphine was shot and never crossed paths during their stay in Revival.
> 
> English/French/German aren't my first languages, so you'll find a few mistakes and if that bothers you, please don't read this fic. (German translations can be found at the and of the chapter)
> 
> Enjoy!

_Changes_

I glanced out the window, watching the snow fall from the sky while it covered the campus under a thick white blanket. Piles of paper and several studybooks were sprawled across my desk, indirectly reminding me of how much work I had done today and how much work there was still left. Grading my students' essays, it's not the most exciting part of being a professor, and especially not when you just started working at this university. I know that it shouldn't matter, but I want my students to like me. Luckily for me, most of them did pretty good so far. There are only two or three students who need to give their work a little more attention.

A small smile curls at the corners of my lips… worrying about simple things like this, it's nothing compared to all the worries that controlled the life I lived almost seven years ago. I don't want to think about that anymore, but after I recovered from a gunshot wound at Revival, I was transferred to Sardinia, Switserland and Germany to do research for P.T. Westmoreland, and after the fall of Neolution, I considered moving back to France, but was offered a lecturing job at the Humboldt-Universität in Berlin. My life changed drastically that year, and just three months after I started working at that university, I collapsed in my office.

A nervous breakdown, the psychiatrist told me, due to a long-term exposure to severe stress and an near death-experience. I immediately checked myself into one of the Schneider's clinics, followed his famous recovery program with success, and was done by the end of fall. I managed to build a steady life in Berlin, I loved living and working there and had no intention of moving, but when professor Martin gave me a call three weeks ago and offered me a job at the department of Immunology at the University of Toronto, I didn't have to think twice. I can't say that I have good memories of that city, but that's all in the past now. I couldn't refuse his offer, simply because I didn't have the best experience with DYAD and almost died in that parking lot. The only good thing that happened in Toronto was meeting my ex-lover, who I tried to contact the second I moved to Berlin, but to no avail. She constantly changed her phone number at the time, and that didn't make it any easier for me to find her. I know that she's still alive, but I have no clue about her job, her address, or if she's still in touch with her sisters. I don't know if she's still living in Toronto, or moved back to Minnesota or San Fran. She doesn't have any social media and I don't even know if she's aware that I'm alive, if she's still with Shay or if she ever thinks about me. It's not like I miss her though, I still care for her of course, and can still taste our last kiss on my lips, the one we shared in front of Bubbles just moments before I was shot, but we live different lives now. I moved on and I guess… no… I hope… she did too.

"Delphine?" A familiar voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Professor Martin," I said, quickly trying to organize my messy desk.

"Please call me Dan," he laughed. "I saw you in the parking lot this morning. It wasn't even 6.30 yet, why don't you go home and relax a bit? It's 5 pm already."

I nodded and stood up from my seat, feeling the ache in my muscles. Sitting in the same position for too long is not good for your body they say, and I can definitely confirm that. I should schedule another appointment with my masseuse soon.

"Have you met a few of the other professors since you started working here?"

"Just a few," I answered as I picked up my handbag from the floor, stuffing it with essays. They couldn't wait until tomorrow. I have the house all to myself tonight, which gives me a good reason to finish the work at home, lie on the comfortable couch and order some sushi.

"Well," he started, giving me a kind smile. "There's a New Year's reception for the staff of five different departments tonight. Why don't you accompany me? I can introduce you to the others."

I immediately grew suspicious and alarmed. Did he expect something in return? Was he asking me on a date or just trying to be nice? It wouldn't be the first time that a superior made inappropriate advances at me. For promotion, for privileges, for an important signature I needed…

"Don't worry," he chuckled, detecting my wariness. "I'm sure my husband doesn't care."

"Oh," I smiled, suddenly feeling relieved. I quickly considered his offer, scanned all my dresses in my mind and tried to ignore the paperwork that still needed to be done. I don't know a lot of people here yet, this could actually give me the opportunity to expand my social circle a little.

"Why not?"

"Great," the fifty-year-old man exclaimed. "I'll pick you up at eight."

He turned around and left the room before I could answer him. I put on my coat, draped my scarf around my neck, and grabbed my car keys from my desk before I made my way to the parking lot.

* * *

 

Driving through the snow, it's something I try to avoid when I can. The world looks completely different when it's covered in white flakes, beautiful and confusing at the same time. I know a few places in Toronto, but I don't know the streets like the back of my hand. The road from university to my apartment is an easy one and leads me past the library, Bubbles, the mall and a graveyard. I always suppress the urge to peek inside Bubbles when I drive past the bath and body shop that's owned by the Hendrix family, but I've gotten a quick glimpse of Alison a few times. The first time I saw her, she was standing outside and painting the window sills. I had almost crashed my car into the vehicle in front of me, because for a second, I was convinced that I was looking at  _her_. I mean, how could I've known that Alison occasionally wears reading glasses and has a bob now? I can't say that I haven't fantasized about what my ex-lover looks like these days. She'll turn 37 this March and I doubt that she still has her dreads, it's very unlikely, a bob would actually be a good option. Of course she still ownes glasses, has a few wrinkles and lines on her face, and I think she's skinnier than before, due to her illness. Her sickness surely took a toll on her body and she's probably still a little underweight, her body not being able to resume its previous fat percentage.

I drove past the mall and the graveyard, and just thirty minutes later, I parked the car in front of the apartment complex.

"Ed?" I said as I opened the front door of the house. Inside, every room was packed with boxes, stuffed with accessories, clothes, books, and other things.

"In the kitchen!" he answered, the delicious smell of food already filling my nostrils.

I walked into the kitchen and spotted him standing at the stove, preparing dinner.

"What are you cooking?" I asked, wrapping my arms around his waist before I kissed his shoulder.

"Lasagna," he answered, turning around in my embrace to press his lips against mine. "Hope you're hungry."

"Starved, but I'm gonna take a shower first. Professor Martin asked me to a New Year's reception at work and I said yes."

"Oh, so you're going on a date with an old guy tonight?" he chuckled.

"Old guy? You're not exactly young yourself mister."

"I'm still eight years younger than he is Delphine," he said jokingly. "Do I need to worry?"

"Yes," I whipsered, changing my tone into a seductive one as I began to unbutton my blouse, giving him a good view of my breasts that where tucked into a red bra. "And I'm still going… but maybe… I'll change my mind if you have a better idea to spend the night."

"Hmmm," he hummed as he let his eyes roam over my bra-clad bosom. He reached out to slip my striped blouse from my shouders, kissing a trail down my neck slowly. A feeling of excitement stirred in my lower belly and I felt my sex clench in longing as his hand cupped my left breast.

"Why don't you join me in the shower?" I suggested huskily, reaching behind my back to unfasten my bra.

"No babe, I'm sorry but have to make us dinner," he chuckled, licking his lips as he stared at my bare chest. "And besides, Frank will be here in an hour to watch the hockey game before we'll go to the club."

I rolled my eyes, stepped back and picked up my blouse and bra from the floor. "Okay, now I'm definitely going on that date tonight," I joked.

He let out a soft laugh and focused his attention back on the food as I shuffled towards the bathroom.

"Hey, Ed?" I asked when I passed the guestroom and peeked inside. The walls were still white, boxes still piled up to the ceiling. " Do you remember that you promised to paint the guestroom today? It still looks the same to me."

"Yeah, eh," he started, and I immediately recognized his tone. The tone that he always uses when he's going to bring up a particular subject. One that makes my stomach cringe every time. I sighed in annoyance and prepared myself for another speech while the wetness between my legs faded quickly. "I think we should keep it that way Delphine. You might get pregnant within the upcoming months and then I'll have to paint the room all over again. It's the only room we have that's big enough to turn into a nursery."

 _Merde_.

I didn't respond and entered the bathroom, turned on the shower and took off the rest of my clothes, before I stepped under the hot spray. A baby… we've been discussing it for at least a year now. It's Edgar's biggest wish to have a child with me, to raise a kid together, but we're definitely not on the same page about this. I love newborns, but babies will grow, and they'll start to crawl, walk, talk and push you to your limits, and that's when I don't like them anymore. Kids are mean, they try to manipulate you all the time. Maybe it's my bullying past that has influenced my view on having children myself, I'm not sure. My boyfriend doesn't know about my real feelings, and I'm too scared to tell him, because he will leave me. That's one thing I know for certain. So, I agreed to take out my IUD and we began trying six months ago, but I secretly went to see my doctor to get a pill prescription and I keep taking it ever since. The guilt and shame I'm feeling about this decision, is eating me up inside, but I really don't want to be a mother and I don't want Ed to leave me.

I don't even know how to raise a child, how to be a mother. I didn't have the best example myself. My mother has never worked a day in her life, because she wanted to stay home and take care of her two young daughters, but she only used that as an excuse, so she could leave us with our Spanish babysitter once my father went to work in the morning. She spent the days buying the finest clothes with my dad's money and occasionally brought a lover home in the afternoon, who quickly left our villa when my dad came back from work. I'm not sure how many affairs my mother had when I was a kid, but I remember seeing at least five different men. My mom didn't want to be a mother, but was scared that my dad would leave her if she didn't give him children and that he would take all the money with him, so my mom blessed my dad with Vivienne, and although she didn't have any maternal feelings, she did okay and was quite happy with her babygirl. After six years, and to everyone's surprise, my mother found out that she was expecting again. I'm an accident and sometimes I wonder if my dad is actually my biological father, because my mom had another affair at the time. I guess she really enjoys lovers.

I was only ten years old when she left the house in the morning, never to return again. My father was heartbroken for a long time and wasn't able to take care of us all by himself. Vivienne and I were sent to a boarding school near Paris a year later, and it was the worst time of my young life. Vivienne completly lost it when she moved to New York to study Anthropology, she got addicted to drugs, was expecting a baby at age eighteen and has never finished her studies. She had a rough time for a few years, but successfully managed to build a life for herself. She's now married to Robert, a banker, they live in New York and raise their teenage son together. Her daughter is a beautiful young woman now, and engaged to a decent young man. I'm so incredibly proud of her and my niece. My dad still lives in Lille and is a happy single man, my sister and I are still in touch with him. I don't know much about my mother, but apparently, she's living a wealthy lifestyle in Madrid with her new husband who has several kids and grandkids. I sometimes wonder how that goes, maybe the role of a step-grandmother suits her better than the role of a mom.

"Delphine?"

A soft knock on the door and my boyfriend's sweet voice pulled my out of my thoughts.

"Dinner is ready babe."

"I'm almost done." I replied as I grabbed my razor from the shower caddy and hastily began to shave my legs and armpits.

* * *

 

"Are you okay?" he whispered, his voice full of concern. "You haven't eaten anything yet. Your food is getting cold."

"Oui," I sighed, "I'm thinking about this whole pregnancy thing."

"What about it honey?"

"I just think we should take a break you know," I said, tilting my head up to look at him.

"What? Why?"

"I just started a new job Ed, we moved to another country. Don't you think it's all a bit much?"

"Yes," he nodded, surprising me immensely. I had prepared myself for a heated discussion, an argument. "But your eggs aren't getting any younger sweetheart and I'm already forty-two. I don't want strangers come up to me and ask me how old my grandchild is."

He stood up from his seat and knelt in front of me, affectionately rubbing his hands over my bare thighs.

"I'm scared Ed," I confessed, biting my lip in frustration. Frustration towards myself. "I don't wanna be like my mom."

"Delphine, sweetheart, you're not your mom. You'll be a fantastic mother and yes, I'm scared too, but we can do it okay? We have each other."

A tear rolled down my cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb. I looked him into his blue eyes and pushed my own feelings away. I can not deny him this, he wants to be a father more than anything.

"Okay," I whispered, even though deep down in my heart, I already knew I was going to take my birth control pill again in the morning.

"Good," he breathed, and I could clearly make out the relief in his voice. "Now go get dressed, Frank will be here in five minutes and I don't want him to see you in that sexy robe of yours. He's single you know."

"Sexy?" I asked, looking down at my pink cheeta-printed fluffy robe.

"I was being sarcastic babe."

* * *

 

The dress I had picked for tonight's occasion was a present that Edgar gave me for my birthday. The perfect little black dress I had been dreaming about since… forever. It's made out of lace, has long sleeves and a zipper on the back. I glanced into the mirror and couldn't suppress the small smile forming on my face. A few fine lines had started to appear at the corners of my eyes and mouth, and I looked a little older, wiser perhaps, but I still look good for a woman who had just turned thirty-six. My body is still slim, my belly still flat and my breasts haven't changed a bit, it's something that pleases Edgar immensely. I pulled my curly hair up into a messy ponytail and applied some light makeup before I walked back into the living room, where Egdar and Frank were laughing, drinking beer and watching the hockey game.

"Zip me up, will you?" I asked my boyfriend, turning around to show him my exposed back. He stood up from the couch and kissed a few moles on my back before pulling up the zipper.

"Du bist die schönste Frau der Welt," he whispered in my ear. "Ich liebe dich."

"Je t'aime aussi," I replied in my own mother tongue, slipping my feet into my heels and tied the belt of my coat just before the doorbell rang. A wave of nausea rushed through my stomach. I'm going to meet a lot of interesting people tonight. What if they don't like me? If they're much more talented than I am? More intelligent? Did more interesting research? I didn't have time to think about everything that could go wrong, because I opened the front door before I realized it.

"Bonsoir Delphine," Dan smiled, "Are you ready?"

"Y…yes," I stammered nervously, taking his outstretched hand before he guided me through the snow and helped me into his car.

* * *

 

The central hall, where the reception was held, was packed with at least two hundred people. I, the introverted person that I am, was standing in the corner, sipping a glass of wine and observing groups of people talking to each other. It's funny how everyone always seem to take on different roles when they participate in group conversations. I'm the listener, the observer who doesn't talk much. Dan is a leader, an extroverted person, and is speaking to a few men and women I've never seen before.

"Delphine," he said, asking me to join the conversation when he saw me standing there by myself.

I shuffled towards him, anxiety flowing through my veins as all eyes turned to me.

"Guys, this is professor Delphine Cormier," he introduced me, squeezing my shoulder in reassurance. "Delphine these are the other immunologists in our department."

They all introduced themselves, shaking my hand and began to ask a thousand questions.

"Are you the one from Berlin?" a woman named Jackie asked.

"Yes, me and my boyfriend immediately moved to Toronto after I accepted the job."

Oh God, I instantly regretted my words.  _Accepted_ the job? Really Delphine? That sounded incredibly arrogant, most of them probably had to apply for it.

"Delphine is Edgar Schneider's girlfriend," Dan explained as I took another sip of my wine.

"Schneider? That well respected German psychiatrist? Who has several clinics around the world? I didn't know he had a girlfriend" Jim wondered, staring at me with wide eyes.

"Yes that's him, and yeah, we're very private," I answered awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck.

I still get very awkard and uncomfortable whenever someone asks me about my relationship with Edgar. I wasn't supposed to fall for him… my psychiatrist. A romantic relationship between a doctor and his patient is not something to be proud of or something to brag about. Thank God it didn't cost me my job and that Ed's employees have a lot of respect for him. They didn't report it and kept it a secret until I was done with the program. I'm so thankful for that.

Me and my new colleagues talked for a little while, about their researches, about mine, about former jobs and our families, but when they started talking about their kids and grandkids, I excused myself and began to wander around the area. The ceiling was decorated with impressive chandeliers, colored balloons and Christmas lights. Huge screens with animated fireworks and New Year's wishes from important people were placed against the back wall.

I don't know how I do it, but whenever I'm in a club or at a big event, I always succeed to locate the bar in no time, and tonight was no exception. I sat down on one of the bar stools, ordered a Tequila Sunrise and had just swallowed the first sip, when my ears picked up a conversation between four of five people behind me.

"Did you guys notice all the newbies that started after the New Year?"

"Yes Veronica, that's because a lot of the older professors retired this year, remember?"

"I know that! But those new ones were given the biggest and most comfy offices. That's unfair don't you think?"

"Veronica is right, it's kinda unfair. They haven't proven themselves yet."

"Exactly Molly, I don't even know ninety percent of the names that were on the list."

"There was a list?" Another female voice joined the conversation. "A published one?"

The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it right away. I shrugged, and tried to focus on something else as I took a bite of a shrimp skewer, but the conversation the women behind me were having was too amusing. They're clearly intimidated by all the new people.

"Yes dummy, we all received an email right before the Christmas break with all the names and academic titles of the new ones," the woman named Veronica answered.

"Nothing too impressive though," Molly added, and I rolled my eyes in annoyance."But, did you guys hear that there's a new professor added to the immunology department? Dan Martin called her himself and offered her a job. She didn't even have to apply."

 _Merde_ , they're talking about me. I did my best to shift my attention to something else, but my ears couldn't block out their voices.

"Immunology? There was no one on the list for that department?"

"Jesus Bree, that's because she was asked  _during_  Christmas break," Holly said and I knew she was rolling her eyes, without even seeing her.

"I bet she's super arrogant and probably bragging about all of this," Veronica laughed, jealousy dripping from her voice. "I wonder if she's here right now. I wanna know what she looks like."

"Come on ladies, why all the hate? Can we please talk about something that's actually interesting? Like the evolution of snake skulls?" the familiar voice suggested, making me wonder once again why it sounded so like… home? I couldn't ignore how much the sound of it warmed my heart in an extremely pleasant way.

"No, sorry this is too exciting for me. I heard that she had to give Dan a blowjob and I bet a million dollars that she did. She seems to have a history with fucking her superiors for jobs and promotion," Holly whispered softly, but loud enough for me to hear.

I dug my nails into the wooden surface of the improvised bar and clenched my jaw in anger. I know I've done some unconventional things in my past, but I'm not a cheap slut. God, maybe accepting Dan's offer and moving to Toronto wasn't such a good idea. I instantly missed Berlin, my colleagues, my students, our house.

"Holy watershed," the other woman whispered. "Suck Dan's dick? That's a disturbing image, and it's also the stupidest rumor I've ever heard. He's gay, obvs."

I froze in my seat the second the words left the woman's mouth and my own lips went dry when the woman's identity suddenly hit me with full force. I turned around and glanced at her feet before I slowly let my eyes roam the rest of her body. She was standing a few metres away, her back turned towards me, wearing black heels, her elegant strong calves made my mouth even dryer, and a tight knee-length black skirt covered her thighs and butt. I quickly realized that I had been wrong about her being too skinny after battling a severe illness, because her hips are a bit wider than I remembered, her thighs a little fuller and her ass bigger… rounder… perfect. Her fingers are decorated with several rings in different shapes and colors, a loose burgundy top is tucked into her skirt and her famous dreads are pulled up into a neat big bun.  _No bob Delphine_ , I thought to myself, smiling.  _Still those beautiful dreads._

My stomach did a couple somersaults and my body was in a state of shock, frozen in its seat while it felt as if it was getting hit by a bat over and over and over again.

"Are you allright?" one of them asked, noticing my sudden distress. That must be Veronica, even her face looks bitchy.

I managed to nod firmly, never taking my eyes off the dreadlocked woman in front of me, and sucked in a breath when she slowly turned around. My eyes automatically scanned the front of her body, her hips are beautifully accentuated by her tight skirt, making her incredibly feminine. Her bosom seems to be a bit fuller than I remembered, but maybe it's because she's wearing a loose top or maybe it's the alcohol in my blood that always affects my memory, maybe it's just wishful thinking, I don't know, but I quickly figured out that I was wrong about another thing… her face. It hasn't changed one bit, no wrinkles or fine lines on her skin, and black-framed glasses still resting on the bridge of her nose. Her nose… still pierced with that nose ring. She still looks like the twenty-nine- year old woman I fell in love with all those years ago. I locked my eyes on hers and my insides turned into ice, because her eyes were full of shock and… fear? It's almost as if she were seeing a ghost.  _Merde_ , she probably thinks that I  _am_  a ghost. I must say something… anything to break the tension. I opened my mouth and gave her a reassuring smile.

"Bonsoir Cosima."


	2. Balloon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2! I just want to say that I know nothing about the Canadian school system or academic ranks, but I did my best to figure it out :) Please remember that English isn't my first language and that you'll come across a few mistakes while you're reading. Enjoy!

She was staring at me with a blank expression on her face, not blinking once. I wanted to say her name again, or reach out to take her hand and tell her everything was okay, that I was alive and healthy, but nothing came out. My body was frozen in its seat, and my vocal cords had lost all their ability to speak, while my brain was screaming at me to do something. I just sat there, unable to do anything but watch her as she hastily slipped her arms into the sleeves of her white wool coat. Her trembling hands unsuccessfully tried to button it, before she swung her purse over her shoulder and left the area without saying a word.

“You two know each other?” Veronica asked, her eyes full of curiosity as a smug smile formed on her face.

“I…” I whispered, staring into the direction in which Cosima took off, as I slowly stood up from my bar stool. “I don’t know.”

It’s been almost seven years. She still looks the same, but her personality could have changed drastically. It’s possible and maybe… maybe I don’t know her anymore. The only thing I _do_ know, is that I need to go after her as quickly as possible, so I grabbed my coat and practically ran towards the exit of the central hall.

The icy wind knocked all the oxygen out of my lungs and cooled the hot skin of my face, while my eyes scanned the main square of the campus, the heart of the univeristy. My own heart began to beat faster and faster, and my hands grew sweaty when I spotted her. She was sitting on one of the wooden benches, her back turned towards me, while a sniffling sound filled the air. It took me a few seconds to realize she was crying. I took a deep breath, gathered all the courage I could find, and kept walking until I reached the bench she was sitting on. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, while her fingers fumbled with the little silver ‘G’ that hang from her necklace.

“Cosima,” I whispered anxiously, trying my best not to startle her. She shot her head up, gasping for breath as her hands flew to her forehead.

Her eyes studied my face for a few seconds before she averted them, focusing on the snow below her feet. The silent treatment, the tears, the shock in her eyes… I had not anticipated the effect it had on me, cutting through my heart and stabbing me in the gut.

“Cosima,” I said a little more loudly, hoping she would at least acknowledge my presence. She didn’t move a muscle and kept staring at the ground. “Please don’t cry.”

“Delphine?”

“Yes?” I sighed, a feeling of hope rising in my belly when the sound of my name rolled from her lips.

“Why are you here?”

Seriously? Out of all the things she could ask me, this is what she wanted to know the most?

“I work here.”

“Oh,” she huffed. “So you’re the new professor they’re talking about? Awesome.”

“The rumors aren’t true. I never…” I felt the need to defend myself, explain how Dan offered me a job without expecting things in return, but was cut off when her voice filled my ears once again.

“I know,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “Those girls love spreading lies and rumors about other women.”

“So they’re not your friends?”

“Nope.”

“Oh.”

_Merde_. This is awkward. Maybe running after her wasn’t such a good idea. I reached inside my pocket and pulled out a cigarette and lighter.

“Can I sit?” I asked quietly, lighting the cigarette.

“Sure,” she whispered, shrugging her shoulders again.

I inhaled deeply and slowly puffed out a cloud of smoke, until I felt relaxed enough to continue the stiff conversation between us.

“Do you work here too?” I asked awkwardly, not sure if she appreciated the fact that I was showing a little interest in her personal life.

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

Did she even want to talk to me? She surely would have been more talkative if she were actually happy to see me again.

“Department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology.”

A small smile curled at the corners of my mouth, I don’t know why, but a feeling of immense pride unfolded in my chest.

“I finished my PhD after…” she continued, but stopped talking abruptly. I watched her as she screwed her eyes shut and licked her lips as she took a deep breath. The memory is probably still too painful to her. I instantly felt the overwhelming urge to take her in my arms and hold her until all those cruel events were erased from her memory.

“I finished my PhD a few years ago and started working here. I’m a senior lecturer now and I really enjoy teaching all the new biology students.”

A wave of emotion rushed through me. Cosima completed her PhD after everything she went through, and now she’s passing her knowlegde onto the new kids. I’ve always hoped that Cosima would finish her studies, and the fact that she did makes me feel so proud.

“That’s great Cosima. I’m so happy for you,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion.

She opened her mouth again, but didn’t get the chance to say anything, because the sound of laughter cut through the bubble we had created around us. A group of people was running around the campus, laughing as they started a snowball fight and interrupted our conversation. Cosima stood up from the bench, and I almost reached out to pull her back down, but managed to keep my hands in my pockets while she buttoned her coat.

“I’m going back inside,” she announced. “I guess I’ll see you around this semester.”

“Or we can take a walk around the campus?” I suggested boldy. I wasn’t ready to let her go.

She let out a heavy breath and looked up at the sky. I followed her gaze and was amazed by the amount of stars lighting up the sky. A million tiny lights sparkled above us, reminding me of a night I shared with her years ago.

* * *

_“Do you ever feel like a balloon?” I asked, looking into her dilated pupils._

_“What?” she laughed, raising her eyebrows. Her giggle sounded like one from an anitmated kids cartoon. “You’re so funny.”_

_“No Cosima, I’m serious.”_

_“No, I never feel like a balloon. Do you?”_

_“I feel a little lightheaded right now, but I wish I were a balloon sometimes. One filled with helium so I can fly towards the clouds and just go with the flow of the wind. Let it take me wherever it leads me. It would be so liberating.”_

_“Holy watershed Delphine,” she giggled. “This stuff is quite good eh?”_

_“Look! I’m a balloon,” I said, climbing onto the couch before I jumped in the air, moving my arms up and down like a bird._

_Cosima burst out laughing, jumping up and down as she clapped her hands together in excitement, which made her look like a young child._

_“Yes! Yes! You’re a balloon.”_

_“Yes, and I am going to fly to the sky, gather all the stars in my arms and give them to you. Millions of golden stars, just for you, because that’s what you deserve and nothing less.”_

_“That’s oddly romantic Delphine,” she whispered, filling another purple balloon with helium before she took another drag from her freshly rolled joint. Helium and pot… the perfect ingredients for a fun night Cosima had told me, and she was definitely right. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much._

_“And what are you Cosima? Are you a balloon also?”_

_“I am, uh, helium and I’m way funnier than polonium,” she laughed, inhaling the gas and squealing with laughter._

* * *

We danced, laughed, joked around and kissed, before we collapsed on the couch afterwards. That was the first time I told her I loved her, and I still remember how good it felt to say it out loud. We made love on the Persian rug that night, because I finally felt brave enough to go down on her, something I had never done before and was extremely anxious about. She was so unbelievably sweet, incredibly caring, patient and encouraging, stroking my hair, whispering directions and telling me she loved me too.

“Cosima?” I whispered, bringing us back to the present. “Please walk with me.”

“I don’t know Delphine. It’s dark and snowing.”

“Ten minutes?”

She focused her attention on the group and let out a shaky breath, obviously conflicted with herself.

“Okay, ten minutes.”

I jumped to my feet and we began our stroll around the campus. The snow was falling from the sky, landing on Cosima’s dark dreads and eyelashes, making her look like an angel in that white coat of hers. It was a pretty romantic scene, us walking together in the snow and Cosima looking like an angel. I wanted to tell her, tell her that she still looked absolutely stunning, but wisely kept my mouth shut. She’s walking next to me, talking and answering my questions without sounding too hurt or furious, and that’s more than I could have hoped for. I couldn’t ruin this.

“Did I scare you with my presence?” I asked softly, keeping my eyes on the ground below my heels.

“Yes. I mean, I knew you survived that gunshot wound at the DYAD, but I never expected to see you here tonight. I always thought you moved back to France.”

Relief washed over me the second those words left her mouth. She knew I was still alive and healthy. There has always been a slight chance that no one ever told her about my recovery.

“You knew?”

“Yes, Krystal saw you get shot, but she told us you were still alive when they took you to Revival.”

“Krystal?” I was stunned. What in the world was Krystal doing there?

“Yes, you know Krystal? Another member of Cloneclub.”

“Oui, I know who Krystal is,” I chuckled sheepishly, remembering a particular interesting manicure appointment. “This is a little surreal don’t you think?”

“Yes, absolutely,” she laughed, warming my heart, my face, my whole body.

The tension between us seemed to fade bit by bit as we kept walking and talked about work. Neither of us was feeling brave enough to change the subject into a more serious one. I wanted to ask her about her sisters, about Kira, about Siobhan and Felix, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to pry into her personal life, because I didn’t know if she would tolerate that.

“Are you new colleagues nice to you?”

“I think so,” I nodded. “I haven’t really spoken to them, but they seem allright.”

“That’s good. Jackie Murray is in your department right? She’s really nice. I bet you two could be friends.”

“Oui, Dan just introduced me to her.”

“I guess you don’t know a lot of people here yet?”

I shook my head and wanted to ask her about her friends, her social circle, her hobbies, her recent research, if she was seeing someone. Oh _mon Dieu_ , maybe she’s married. I quickly scanned her fingers for any evidence of a lifetime commitment and felt my heart skip a beat when I didn’t spot a wedding ring. Maybe she’s still single. _Merde_ , Delphine! Why do you care so much? Girlfriend or no girlfriend, it shouldn’t matter to you... maybe she’s still with Shay. I felt my body slipping into a state of panic at the thought, which was actually quite hypocrite, because _I_ was the one who encouraged Shay to be good to Cosima.

“Delphine?” Her breathy voice pulled me out of my thoughts and that’s when I noticed that she was struggling to keep up with my pace.

“Oui?”

“Let’s g.. go back,” she suggested, pointing to the main building with her eyes closed, her breath coming in short gasps.

“Cosima,” I whispered, placing my hands on her shoulders to look her in the eye. “Are you allright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said as her body tensed under my touch. She took a few steps back and I instinctively released her shoulders, feeling a little hurt by her obvious rejection.

“It’s j.. just,” she flushed, while her hands began to gesture wildly. She looked extremely nervous all of a sudden. “I… I had a lobectomy right after I was cured, because the growths didn’t reduce in size, kept bleeding and leaking pus. We tried everything, but nothing worked, so my doctors decided to remove that part of my right lung and that’s…”

“ _Merde_ , Cosima,” I gasped, cutting her off. “You should have told me. I would have never asked you to take a walk with me if I knew.”

“I’m f.. fine Delphine. I’m not even aware of it most of the t…time. It’s just been a very long day and the weather conditions make it a little more challenging for me to breathe normally.”

“Okay,” I nodded, quickly avoiding an argument. I didn’t want to get accused of mothering her. “Let’s go back.”

As we strolled back to the main building, I noticed that Cosima was actually exhausted, because her pace began to slow down.

“Are you tired?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

“A little.”

“You can hold onto my arm if you need to,” I suggested bravely, preparing myself for another rejection. I turned my head to the side to look at her, but she kept her eyes focused on her feet as if she were having trouble to put one in front of the other.

“No thank you. I’m fine.”

I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her roughly. Her stubbornness is still there and I hadn’t missed it for a second. We walked in silence and it took us at least ten minutes to reach the main square, which immediately proved my suspicions about her being exhausted. Ten minutes… I would normally do it in five. I was about to ask her if she needed a break when I saw the bench coming into view, but quickly swallowed my words when I suddenly felt her hand curl around my upper arm for support. A swarm of butterflies erupted in my stomach at her touch. God I’ve missed that.

“I think I’m going home,” she whispered, tilting her head up to lock her eyes on mine.

“That’s a really wise decision,” I smiled, leading her towards the building. “Do you need a ride? I can ask Dan to drop you off too.”

“No, that won’t be necessary. I’m not an invalid.”

“Sorry,” I whispered, a little taken aback by her harsh words. “Do you want to go back to the reception or…?”

“Yes. I came here with Gavin. I can’t really leave without him. He has the car keys,” she chuckled.

She took another step and tugged my arm, silently asking me to walk her into the centrall hall. My heart began to race, my mouth went dry and my palms grew sweaty when I realized that she was leaving in less than three minutes. I didn’t even get the chance to ask her about the things that really mattered. The DYAD, Revival, the cure, her health… or who Gavin was. Gavin? Maybe the silver ‘G’ pendant from her necklace refers to him? Hanging someone’s initial around your neck is something you would only do when that person is special to you. Like a boyfriend or a child. A boyfriend…? Cosima? _Non, non, non… c’est impossible._ I really need to know more about her life.

“Cosima?”

“Yes?”

I felt my face heat up, and my stomach constricted with anxiety as I tried to form words in my brain. Words that didn’t sound too eager or too straightforward, because I only have one chance.

“Eh,” I started awkwardly, a furious flush creeping up my neck. “We haven’t really talked about the past seven years right?”

“That’s… correct,” she confirmed, analyzing my expression intently.

“And I’m kind of feeling the need to discuss it over a glass of red wine.”

Her eyebrows shot up to her hairline, a small smile forming on her face.

“I don’t drink anymore.”

“Okay then,” I sighed, not ready to give up so easily. “Let me take you out to dinner tomorrow.”

“Delphine,” she whispered, leaning towards me. “I’m not interested in a date.”

“ _Mon Dieu, non!_ I’m not asking you on a date. Just dinner, to talk things over.”

“I don’t know Delphine. There’s not much to talk about.”

“You think?” I managed to suppress a sarcastic laugh. “What about what happened to you after I was shot and what you’ve been up to those past seven years?”

She screwed her eyes shut and began to nibble on her bottom lip as she breathed a deep sigh.

“Okay fine. One dinner, one serious conversation in which we discuss the past, and that’s it, because after that, we’re nothing more than colleagues working at the same university. Deal?”

“Wow,” I said as my eyes grew wide. Her words sliced through me like knives, cutting my arteries, my tendons, my muscles, my entire being. I don’t like how much effect she still has on me. I don’t like it one bit.

“Sorry,” she chuckled sheepishly. “It’s just that I've built a whole life for myself. Everything is quite perfect right now and seeing you here, it brings back painful memories. It’s nothing personal, I… I just don’t want to relive the past.”

“I understand Cosima,” I smiled. “But I hope that my presence also brings a few good memories?”

“Yes, yes, of course. I loved you Delphine. You were the love of my life and I seriously thought that we were meant to be, that we would build a life together. Just us, and maybe a dog, living a quiet life full of research trips.”

I don’t know how she does it, but she manages to crush my heart, stomp on it, and mend it in a time span of only ten seconds.

“Me too Cosima.”

“Yeah, but it didn’t turn out that way and I’ve accepted that. I moved on and I’m very, very happy with the way things are right now.”

“I’m so glad to hear that. You deserve all the happiness in the world,” I said, swallowing my tears and trying to remain calm. She moved on and has built a life for herself, it’s everything that I had hoped for, but I’m not in it and it hurts like hell.

“Why don’t you give me your phone number?” she suggested, smiling at me. “I’m not sure if tomorrow fits my agenda. I need to make a few arrangements first.”

“Yeah sure.” I gave her my number and took the opportunity to scan her body again. God, she looks so beautiful.

“How’s your breathing?” I asked, noticing that she was breating a little more easily.

“Better. I really need listen to my body.”

“You should.”

She gave me a sweet smile and looked into my eyes before she leaned forward, I was sure she was going to hug me goodbye, when suddenly, a low voice filled our ears.

“Cosima!” a tall man said, making her turn around. I inwardly cursed him for interrupting such an intimate moment. I had never seen him before. A brown-eyed man with messy brown hair and a stubble on his jaw.

“Hey,” she greeted him enthusiastically, pushing her glasses further up her nose.

“Where were you Cos? I was worried.”

“We were outside, nothing to worry about. This is Delphine by the way,” she said, placing her hand on my shoulder. I automatically turned my head to the side to press my lips against her hand, but quickly focused my eyes on the man standing in front of me, preventing myself from doing it.

“Oh. Eh… Hi Delphine,” he nodded, giving Cosima a knowing smile. He has certainly heard my name before and it pleased me immensely. “I’m Gavin.”

Ah! So, that’s Gavin. I politely shook his hand and tried to figure out the connection between them. Research parters? Friends? Lovers?

“I’m bored Cos, let’s go home.”

“I was actually going to suggest that,” she said as he took the car keys from the back pocket of his pants.

“Great! It was nice meeting you Delphine. See ya later,” he said, curling the fingers of his right hand around Cosima’s neck, squeezing gently. “Come on. I need sleep.”

“Bye Delphine,” Cosima waved before she flashed me her beautiful smile. “Thanks for walking me back. I’ll text you tomorrow.”

“No problem” I whispered and watched them as they walked towards the exit. Gavin marching like a soldier with Cosima on his heels, elegantly swaying her hips, her feet gliding across the floor, and I watched her… I watched her until she was nothing more than a tiny dot in the distance, just like a balloon filled with helium, floating towards the stars.


	3. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little longer, but please don't get used to it.  
> Sorry for the grammar/spelling mistakes and for the last part of this chapter haha :P. Enjoy!

It was around five in the afternoon when I opened the front door of the apartment and collapsed on the couch after a long day at work. I’ve been waiting for Cosima’s text all day, but haven’t heard from her yet. I’m doing my best not to make assumptions or take it personal, but the further the day progresses , the more I’m growing convinced that she doesn’t want to meet me tonight. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve grabbed my phone today to call her, only to realize that I didn’t have her number. Would she really do that to me? Give me false hope and let me wait all day, even though she already knew she wasn’t going to text me? If she’s capable of treating me like that, then she has certainly changed. I know my distrustful thoughts are a direct result of the constant bullying I had to endure when I was a child, but actions like this doesn’t make it any easier for me to separate the past from the present. I picked up the new issue of _Scientific American_ from the coffee table, crawled under a blanket and began to read, until the familiar buzzing sound of my phone demanded my attention. My heartrate sped up and I quickly looked at the screen.

**From:** Ed  
_Shall I bring us some Chinese on the way home? Watch a movie tonight? X_

I couldn’t deny the feeling of disappointment that unfolded in the pit of my stomach. I hate to admit it, but seeing Ed in the kitchen this morning, clad only in his boxers, it didn’t have the same effect on me like it always had, and I suspect that it has something to do with running into Cosima last night. I love Ed and he loves me, but apparently, Cosima still stirs something in me that Ed isn’t capable of. I don’t know what it is. Attraction? Connection? A deeper kind of love?

**To:** Ed  
_Sounds great! X_

Ed was probably still at the clinic, because I received his reply only a second later.

**From:** Ed  
_I’ll be there at 6. How was your day? X_

My fingers started typing a response, but I got distracted when another message from a number I didn’t recognize, popped up on the screen.

_Hi! This is Cosima. Do you still wanna go out for dinner tonight?_

Tears of relief were threatening to spill from my eyes as I read her message. I quickly added her number to my contacts list and began to create a reply.

**To:** Cosima  
_Yes of course, but we can always plan something else if tonight doesn’t fit your schedule?_

I anxiously waited for her response, but didn’t have to wait too long.

**From:** Cosima  
_I’ve made a few arrangements. Il Pescatore?_   _Around 7?_

I felt the urge to scream in happiness and jumped to my feet to pour myself a glass of water, while my fingers created another text.

**To:** Cosima   
_Perfect. See you there. :)_

* * *

“Delphine?” Ed asked, looking me up and down. He was standing in the doorway, holding a bag of Chinese food in his hand. _Merde_.

“Wow, you look beautiful babe, but isn’t it a bit much for a movie night at home?”

He was right, the slacks and blouse I’m wearing is a bit too formal.

“I uhm,” I said akwardly as a wave of guilt rushed through my veins. “An old friend just invited me to dinner.”

“An old friend?”

“Yes, she was my lab partner when I worked for DYAD at the time. We ran into each other at the reception last night.”

I’m sure I’m blushing madly right now. God, I hate lying to him, but I couldn’t possibly tell him that I’m having dinner with an ex-girlfriend in an hour. He doesn’t know about Cosima, about our relationship. He doesn’t even know about my bisexual tendencies. It’s not like I’m keeping it from him on purpose, it just didn’t seem very important… until now perhaps.

“That’s great honey. What’s her name?”

“Cosima,” I whispered, feeling very uncomfortable to tell him the name of my ex-lover. “I’m sorry for ditching you tonight.”

“No babe,” he said as he walked up to me. “It’s fine. You need to make friends in this country.”

He curled his arms around my waist, swept my straightened hair to the side and pressed a few kisses against the skin of my jaw.

“Hmm, you smell good Delphine,” he hummed, moving his lips to my ear. “I know that smell babe. You’re ovulating. I think you need to cancel those plans with Cosima and come to bed with me.”

I rolled my eyes in annoyance and released myself from his embrace to grab my coat from the couch.

“I’m not ovulating,” I stated, picking up my phone from the dinner table to check it for new messages. _“And don’t say her name again,”_ I wanted to add, but kept my mouth shut _._

 “Yes you are. You can’t fool me,” Ed chuckled as I began to read a new text that was sent by Cosima.

**From:** Cosima  
_I don’t think I can make it tonight Delphine. I’ve got a flat tire and I can’t fix it myself. I already called Gavin, but he is working until 8.30. I’m so sorry :(_

“ _Merde_ ,” I whispered, clenching the phone in my hand.

“Everything allright?” I heard Ed wonder, but ignored him and started typing.

**To:** Cosima  
_Lemme pick you up?_

I held my breath, until my phone buzzed again. My eyes roamed the screen and I exhaled a sigh of relief when I realized that she had sent me her address.

“Bye Ed,” I said hurriedly, opening the front door to leave as quickly as possible.

“Bye sweetheart. Have fun.”

* * *

 

I think I’m lost… because I’m driving through an area where I would’ve never expect to find Cosima. A neighbourhood full of young families. Kids are riding their bikes, playing soccer in the quiet streets and new mothers are jogging behind their strollers, trying to get back in shape while they’re listening to music. The houses are pretty big too and I don’t think Cosima earns enough money yet to afford a house like this. _Merde_. I clenched my steering wheel in anger while my brain slowly began to put two and two together. She must have a partner, someone who has a high-paying job. Maybe it’s Gavin… maybe one of these houses is his, and maybe he already had kids before they met and Cosima moved in with them. _Non, non_. Cosima wouldn’t do that.

“You've reached your destination,” my GPS informed me, putting an end to my assumptions.

I parked the car in front of a house that was a bit smaller than the rest I had seen. A modern semi-detached brick house covered in snow, with a cute front porch and a chimney puffing out smoke. It looked absolutely adorable and reminded me of my aunt’s house back in Lille. A pink bike was placed against the garage door and that immediately proved my suspicion about Cosima being in a relationship with someone who already had a kid. The anger is bubbling up inside me, even though there is still a part of me who refuses to believe that Cosima is sleeping with a guy.

I sucked in a breath when the front door opened and a familiar dreadlocked woman in a white coat and black boots stepped outside. The anger in my body faded instantly when she flashed me her gorgeous smile and waved at me.

“Hi Delphine,” she smiled as she positioned herself in the passenger seat. “Are you hungry?”

“ _Oui_ , you?”

“A little,” she said as I started the car and drove off.

It was awkward again. She was fumbling with a button of her coat, while I focused on the road. I wanted to ask her about her house, the pink bike and if Gavin was her boyfriend, but I kept my lips pressed together. I didn’t want to create tension between us.

“How was your day?” I asked instead. Very superficial, such great way to start a serious conversation…

“Rough.”

“Rough? How so? Did you teach classes today?”

“No,” she shook her head, eyes glued to the road in front of us. “I don’t work on Wednesdays. I went to the hospital today to visit one of my favorite students. I’ve been teaching her for three years now and I guess she feels safe and comfortable around me.”

“She’s sick?”

“Yes. Otherwise she wouldn’t be in the hospital right?”

“Right. I mean like… is it serious?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, biting her bottom lip. “She attempted suicide, slit her wrists in the bathtub and was found by her roommate. It’s really tragic. I bet that guy is traumatized for life.”

My hands intensified their grip on the steering wheel and I swallowed thickly as a horrific memory invaded my mind. I had just turned twelve, when Vivienne attempted suicide. It was almost Christmas, and my sister and I had packed our suitcases the night before. We were so happy to go home for two weeks and spend time with our dad. Two weeks away from boarding school, I had never been so excited about anything in my life. I still remember that particular morning as if it were yesterday. I woke up after a very strange dream in which Vivienne and I arrived home on Christmas morning. My dad ran out of the house when he saw us and scooped me up in his arms, peppering my cheek with kisses, and then, out of nowhere… my mom emerged from behind him. She stroked my cheek with her thumb and opened her mouth to whisper something in my ear. _“I’ll never leave you.”_ I remember glancing at the clock when I woke up. It was around 6 in the morning and a hand-written letter from Vivienne was placed on my nightstand. It was full of apologies, loving words and encouragements to do my best and establish a career after school. I jumped out of bed and stormed into her bedroom, where I found my sister bleeding to death in the bathtub. I still have nightmares sometimes and I still don’t like Christmas, and now that I think about it… I don’t think I’ve ever told Cosima this.

“That’s…” I whispered, trying to keep my breathing under control. “Horrifying.”

“I know right? I gave her one of my Jane Austen books so she can read something that isn’t school related.”

“That’s really nice of you Cosima. I’m sure she’s very thankful to have you as her teacher. Do you know why she did it? Tough childhood?”

“Nope. Lots of friends, loving boyfriend and supportive parents, but she’s schizophrenic. I find it so fascinating you know, the biological aspect of it,” she explained, gesturing her hands now. It’s a sign that she’s feeling more relaxed and comfortable. “She’s supernice and so driven. Probably the best student I’ve ever had.”

We kept driving and talked a bit more about Hannah, Cosima’s student, and twenty minutes later, we were sitting in a cozy restaurant, scanning the menu and sharing a bottle of sparkling water. A thousand questions swarmed through my brain, I wanted to ask them all, but didn’t have the guts to open my mouth.

“Hi ladies, can I take your order?”

A young blonde waitress stood beside our table, locking her blue eyes on mine. I looked at Cosima who roamed her eyes over the woman’s body, not even trying to do it discreetly. She’s always been a flirty kind of person and I guess she still is. She gave the waitress a wide grin and ordered the grilled salmon after I ordered the _lumache alla romana_.

“I’ve to use the restroom. Is that okay?” Cosima asked, putting her glass back on the table.

“ _Oui_ , of course.”

She stood up, pulled her phone from the pocket of her coat and turned around. I took the opportunity to take in the feminine curves of her hips and butt as she walked away from me. She’s definitely the type of woman who grows more and more attractive as she gets older. It’s a little unfair, but I’m not complaining, because I’m the one who is spoiled with a beautiful view tonight.

“Sorry Delphine,” she apologized when she came back.

“Don’t worry,” I smiled, feeling butterflies in my stomach at the sight of her.

* * *

 

“Delphine?” she asked, looking me in the eye as she took another bite of her salmon.

“Yes?”

“I know why you wanted to meet me tonight, but I’m not sure what you’re expecting of me. I think you deserve answers, but I’m not comfortable with going into details.”

“I understand,” I whispered, admiring her courage to start the serious part of this night. “I just want to know what happened to you after I was shot.”

“Okay,” she noddded, swallowing a sip of water. “I handed the research over to Evie Cho, witnessed the murder of Kendall , flew to the island, created a cure with Susan and was brought to Revival with Charlotte.”

“You were in Revival?” I exclaimed, eyes wide.

“Yes, after you left.”

“ _Merde_.”

“Mud told me they helped you recover and that you were transferred to Sardinia two days before I got there.”

“Oh God, Mud,” I said, rolling my eyes tho emphasize how I felt about the girl. Cosima let out a hard laugh and the beautiful sound of it made me blush a little. God, what’s happening to me?

“I’m sorry for not trying to contact you. My sisters and I went through something horrible together and I didn’t really feel the need to get back in touch with the people who left us along the way. I mean, the whole road of processing it all was hard enough and demanded all my energy.”

“You don’t have to apologize Cosima. I understand,” I whispered. “I truly do.”

“Thank you.”

I looked down at my plate and felt a little more confident to ask her some personal questions.

“Did you seek professional help to process everything?”

“I did,” she nodded.

_“Bon.”_

“Did you?”

I shot my head up and locked my eyes on hers. Her question surprised me thoroughly. Cosima never seemed concerned about my mental wellbeing when we were together. I’m sure it wasn’t because she didn’t care. She just had a lot on her mind at the time.

“Delphine?” she asked, looking a little concerned. “I know it traumatized you too. Can you please answer my question?”

“ _Oui_ ,” I admitted quietly. “I’ve had therapy for a while.”

“Good,” she smiled, and I could literally see the weight falling off her shoulders at my answer. “That’s good to hear.”

“So you’re cured?”

“Yes! Yeah, I am, and apart from the long-term consequences, I’m super healthy again.”

“Consequences?”

“Yes. I may be cured, but I almost died. The disease has damaged my body forever Delphine,” she whispered, averting her eyes from me while a flush crept up her face. She’s clearly embarrassed about it, and I don’t know why.

“You mean your lungs?” I asked cautiously, not wanting to increase the embarrassment she was already feeling over this.

“Yes, amongst a few other things like…I mean like… I still have those clonic seizures every now and then.”

“But you’re sure you’re cured?” How naive of me to think that she would be completely healthy after being cured. Of course her body is damaged, she had suffered a life threatening illness for God’s sake.

“Yes. I’m not sick anymore. Honestly.”

“ _Bon_. I have to say Cosima, you look really good. Your body is… it looks very healthy.”

“You mean you like my bigger ass and boobs?”

_Exactly._

“No! I just didn’t expect you to look so healthy after being sick for so long,” I explained. “Anyway, what about your sisters? Are they cured too?”

“Yes. Sarah and I cured all the Ledas around the world.”

“That’s fantastic Cosima. You’re such a brilliant scientist.”

“Well, I couldn’t do it without you and Scott,” she smiled, giving me a subtle wink.

“Is everyone doing okay?”

“Kinda,” she whispered, inhaling a big breath. “Mrs. S. died, but I don’t wanna go into details.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said, focusing my eyes on my plate again.

“Yeah, well. That’s life.”

Her words sounded harsh and I knew that she didn’t want to discuss it further.

“Can I try one of those snails? I’ve never had them.”

“Yes, of course.” I nodded, lifting a shell with the tong before pulling the snail out with a snail fork. “Here.”

I stretched out my arm to give her the fork, but she kept her hands on the table and leaned in. She parted her mouth slightly when the squishy meat touched her lips, making me very uncomfortable and triggering my curiosity at the same time. I wonder if her lips still taste the same, if her way of kissing has changed over time, and if she would allow me to kiss her tonight.

“Hmm,” she hummed in approval as her eyes bored into mine. “This is pretty good.”

“Are you still in touch with Scott?” I asked quickly, trying to shift my attention to something that was less sexy.

“Yeah, he works for the police actually. Something to do with data and DNA. Who would have thought he could be such a badass eh?” she chuckled, chewing on her snail. “Oh and he’s married to Lauren, has a two-year old girl named Elsie, and is anxiously waiting for his second daughter to show up. Lauren is due in March.”

“That’s wonderful. Scott as a husband and father? I can’t really picture what that looks like.”

“I know right?,” she laughed. “I never thought he had it in him. You know… the whole babymaking thing. I mean, with Elsie, I blamed it on beginner’s luck, but then he did it again.”

“So you’re still mocking him?” I giggled.

“Of course, but he knows I love him.”

“What about you?”

“Me?” she asked, eyes wide, clearly shocked by my question.

“ _Oui_. Are you still with Shay?”

“No, Shay never contacted me again after you threatened to kill her,” she sighed, shaking her head. “I’m single. I don’t date.”

A cocktail of emotions rushed through my body at her answer. Confusion, relief, happiness… hope?

“No? Not once in those seven years?” This couldn’t possibly be true. Cosima not dating anyone? Cosima, whose heart is capable of falling in love so easily?

“No, not once,” she laughed bitterly. “My trust in other people is broken Delphine.”

I took a deep breath and my heart clenched in pain, because I know I’m one of those people who took advantage of her trusting nature.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, trying to make eye contact with her.

“Oh no, don’t be,” she smiled. “I’m very happy as a single woman. I don’t need a relationship in order to live a happy life.”

“That’s good,” I said, suddenly feeling even more curious about her relationship with Gavin. “So, who is Gavin?”

“Gavin?” She looked at me with an amused expression on her face. “You thought I was dating Gavin? Oh my God, that’s hilarious.”

“ _Non_!”

“Yes, you did! Your eyes are giving it away. It’s super obvious.” She burst out laughing and pressed her hands against her chest while my face burned with humiliation. “I’m gay Delphine. I thought you were aware of that.”

_“Merde.”_

“Gavin…,” she began to explain. “Is a very good friend of mine. I met him at work and he’s fucking Sarah. Holy shit Delphine you’re so naive and cute.”

“He’s Sarah’s boyfriend?” I aksed, my tone full of surprise.

“Yeah, for three years now. I was the one who introduced him to her. What made you think I was dating him?”

“Your necklace,” I whispered, a little irriated with her look of amusement.

She stopped laughing abruptly and the smile on her face instantly faded when the words left my mouth. She took the silver initial between her thumb and forefinger and began to fumble with.

“It’s for my dad,” she said and I noticed that her bottom lip started to tremble. “I also had a ‘S’ that referred to my mom, but I lost it somewhere in the snow last week. Sarah has promised to buy me a new one.”

“Did something happen to your parents?”

“They died,” she whispered as a single tear trickled down her cheek. “In a car crash. Three months after my sisters and I gained freedom.”

“ _Merde_ Cosima, I’m so sorry.” I automatically reached out and curled my hand around hers, squeezing it gently, and I let out a breath of relief when she didn’t pull away.

“I guess I’m literally an orphan now,” she chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. “You know, when I was a kid, I used to have these recurring dreams about them being killed at sea, my dad trying to safe my mom, their bodies freezing to death in the ice cold water. Kinda like Jack and Rose right? But it wasn’t like that Delphine. There was nothing heroic or romantic about it. A truck crashed into the side of their car and it killed my mom instantly. My dad was brought into the hospital, but after a week of no brain activity, I begged the doctors to take him off life support, because I knew he didn’t want to be kept alive like that.”

“Shit,” I said quietly. “I’m so sorry for not being there for you.”

“It’s okay Delphine. Sarah was there with me when I made that choice for my dad, when I sold their furniture and the houseboat, and when I had to pick out their coffins, and she was there during the funeral. She even held me in my sleep the first few weeks.”

I felt even more sorry for her now that I know that she doesn’t have a partner to support and love her. Of course Sarah is always there for her, but a sister’s love is so different from the kind of love a partner can give you, and the fact that Cosima doesn’t have that makes me feel incredibly sad. Does she even remember what that kind of love feels like?

“Okay,” I whispered, not sure if she wanted to keep talking about it. “So, are you still in touch with Helena and Alison?”

“Yes of course. Helena has twin boys. They’re six already and growing so fast. Alison and Donnie are still the same. Kira is fifteen now, and a rebellious teen. Sarah is lucky Gavin is so patient.”

We continued to talk about her sisters, about my former job in Berlin and interesting scientific theories, until Cosima began to yawn. I glanced at the clock and realized that it was 11 already.

“Are you tired?”

“Yes, you?”

“ _Oui_ , come on,” I said, standing up as I grabbed my wallet from my purse. “I’ll bring you home.”

* * *

 

The drive back to Cosima’s house was relaxed and silent, and it felt as though we had never been apart. Being in her company tonight, made me realize that I’ve never stopped loving her.

“You have a very nice house Cosima,” I complimented as I parked the car in front of her garage.

“Thank you,” she smiled. “I would’ve never picked this neighbourhood if it were up to me, but I really like it now. The people here are so nice.”

“You didn’t pick this house yourself?”

“No,” she shook her head. “My parents left me a generous amount of money after they died and I was in San Fran at the time. I decided to ask Alison if she wanted to buy me a house and furnish it, so I didn’t have to do it myself when I came back to Toronto. I was way too upset to care about those things, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea, but I seriously love this house now.”

The silence that followed was awkward and I noticed that Cosima didn’t know how to say goodbye to me. I turned my head to the side and locked my eyes on her beautiful brown orbs. She let out a heavy sigh, unbuckled the seat belt and shifted in her seat.

“It was nice talking to you Cosima,” I smiled. _“Merci.”_

“Yeah,” she whispered. “I know I’ve told you that I didn’t want to continue this after tonight, but I…”

She didn’t finish her sentence and licked her lips, before she slowly leaned in, giving me time to stop her. A shaky sigh left my mouth as she cupped my face in both hands, pulling me towards her and pressing her lips against mine. Her lips were soft, full and so incredibly warm, the feeling made me moan in appreciation. She pulled back after just a few seconds, even before I could kiss her properly, making me nervous all of a sudden. But before I could open my eyes and analyze her facial expression, she tilted her head to the side and claimed my lips again, a little more urgent this time. I kissed her back with the same eagerness, curling my fingers around the back of her neck to hold her in place, while she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and pushed her upper half against my chest. I loud out a satisfied hum at the feeling of her breasts pressing against mine and a soft moan escaped my throat as her tongue flicked over my bottom lip, teasing me for a moment before she pushed it between my lips, encouraging me to open my mouth for her. My heartbeat quickened, my sex clenched excitement and the sound of Cosima’s soft moan filled the car when I parted my lips to let her in. She wasted no time and began to explore tentatively, sliding her tongue over the roof of my mouth before she let it touch my own tongue. She tasted like salmon and something quite unique that was exclusively Cosima. Our kiss gradually grew more passionate, more insisting and bold. I allowed her to take the lead, a little stunned by her unexpected action and my body’s reaction to it. She pulled back after a few minutes and began to kiss my jaw, until her lips reached my ear.

“Shit Delphine,” she whispered. “You smell so good.”

I almost snorted at the familiar compliment and turned my head to brush my lips over her cheek.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I admitted softly as my fingers unbuttoned the top button of her coat. “I want you Cosima.”

Her body tensed against me and moved back into the passenger seat, before she curled her fingers around the door handle.

“I.. I,” she stuttered with a shocked expression on her face. “I have to go.”

“Cosima wait!” I shouted, but she already stepped out of the car, closed the door behind her and walked up to the house.

“FUCK!”

I smashed my fists against the steering wheel and reached inside my purse to grab a cigarette. I glanced at the house and saw Cosima standing in her livingroom, gesturing wildly. Was she talking to someone? Had she lied about not being in a relationship? The person she was talking to, suddenly came into view. A girl, with long dark hair reaching her hips, walked across the room and pulled on her jacket as Cosima grabbed her wallet and handed her some money. The girl hugged her and walked out of the house only two seconds later. She walked around my car and stared directly into my eyes as she unlocked her pink bike. I almost screamed in shock when I took in her young and oh so familiar face. She flashed me her canines and waved at me in the exact same way her older sister always did when we were together. This is surreal. I’m looking at a teenage Cosima, around the age of sixteen, and she’s smiling at me. I returned her smile and took another drag from my cigarette while the young girl disappeared into the darkness. 469G30, I realized… Charlotte Bowles. _Mon Dieu_ , my heart. I wasn’t prepared for this, I thought I had seen all the clones by now. Her presence makes me wonder if she’s living with Cosima. And is she isn’t, why was she at the house while Cosima wasn’t there?

I moved my car off her driveway and felt physically ill when I saw Cosima closing her curtains… literally shutting me out of her life.

* * *

 

“Ed,” I whispered, pressing my naked body against his sleeping form. “Wake up.”

“Hmm? What time is it?”

I curled my fingers around his upper arm, tugging gently as I sucked his bottom lip. He immediately understood the hint and crawled on top of me as my tongue entered his mouth. My body was highly aroused, stimulated by Cosima’s kiss, her taste, her smell and the feel of her soft skin.

“Fuck,” he groaned into my neck, pulling his boxers down.

“No, please,” I whined, not wanting to feel his erection. “Use your mouth.”

“Ugh Delphine, you know I don’t like that. You always get too wet during cannulingus.”

“Please Ed. I won’t ask it again this year.”

“Yes you will,” he snickered, kissing his way down my body, until his head was positioned between my legs. I closed my eyes and let out a content sigh while my brain began to fantasize about Cosima, Cosima’s head between my legs, her tongue parting my folds, dragging it up and down slowly, teasing me a bit before pushing it inside and swirling it over my clit, until I’m screaming her name in pure pleasure.

I bucked my hips against his face when his tongue tentatively touched my most intimate part, and I quickly realized that it wasn’t the same. His licks were rough and unpractised, whereas Cosima always took her time to slowly coax my body to its peak. She knew _exactly_ what she was doing during sex.

It took me a while to reach orgasm, and while I was trying to regain my breath, Ed aggressively pushed my legs further apart. I yelped in surprise and overstimulation when his manhood smoothly entered me without meeting any resistance. I began to count backwards from twenty and felt him shudder on top of me when his climax crashed into him. He rolled off me, lifting my feet towards the ceiling.

“Keep laying like that for at least fifteen minutes babe,” he said in a hoarse voice. “Frank told me that it keeps the sperm in longer.”

“No way, I’m tired,” I whispered, rolling onto my side so I didn’t have to look at him.

“Fine whatever. Oh, by the way. Frank and I booked tickets to Vancouver for this weekend. We’re going skiing.”

“Okay.”

I closed my eyes and thought about Cosima, about how beautiful she looked in that dress, if she were able to sleep after what had happened between us, and if she wanted to see me again. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, until sleep washed over my tired body and turned my thoughts into beautiful dreams.

 


	4. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4th chapter already! I'm so thankful for the lovely comments, feedback and kuddos I've received on this fic. Thank you!  
> Okay, I know I've said something about not writing long chapters in the future, but this chapter is even longer than the previous one ;') 
> 
> I'm very nervous about this chapter, because it contains unusual topics. I like including such topics, because they give the story a realistic vibe and the characters a certain depth and a few complex emotions, which explain the choices they make in life. You might not like some of their actions (even I don't like them sometimes lol), but I think those actions/decisions fit the characters and make them human... it's totally okay if you disagree :). I also don't leave out embarrassing and awkward details, because of the same reason. 
> 
> Hope you still going to read the chapter after reading this note ;'). Enjoy!

I slowly opened my eyes and had to blink a few times to get accostumed to the bright light shining through the bedroom. My lids feel dry and heavy, and I couldn’t suppress a groan of discomfort as I rubbed them. I had been crying before I fell asleep, immediately after I cleaned the house again this morning. Ed left two days ago, to go skiing with Frank, and I’ve promised him to unpack all the boxes while he’s in Vancouver, but I haven’t done anything since Friday, except cleaning the house when I came home after dropping them off at the airport.

Ed’s spare toothbrush, his shaving cream, his razors, his perfume… everything is put away in the small cabinet and I’ve even changed the sheets to get rid of his smell. I’m not ready to unpack the boxes yet, and put our photos on the wall or place his books on the shelfs. The past two days had brought a strange sense of freedom. Not being confronted with his belongings in the house, feels like he doesn’t exist. The guilt and shame I’m feeling over this is unbearable, but his absence also gives me room to breathe. I love Ed, I really do, and I don’t want to leave him, but we have different goals in life. He wants to have a baby, wants to work less when spring arrives and I… I want to keep developing myself, find a new research project, maybe teach another course, and a baby isn’t part of the life I have in mind. Ed and I couldn’t be more different in this stage of our lives. At first, I was convinced that we could work it out, but I’m not so sure anymore. Deep down in my heart, I want to be with that brilliant dreadlocked scientist, spend the rest of my life with her, wake up every morning to see her face on the pillow next to mine, buy a puppy and raise it together, but I haven’t heard from her since our dinner at the cute Italian restaurant and I think that’s a pretty clear message. She doesn’t want to see me again.

I’ve thought about our kiss numerous times over the past days, trying to come up with a fitting explanation for what exactly caused her unexpected reaction. She seemed relaxed and comfortable during dinner, flirty even, but maybe I’ve misinterpreted her body language. On the other hand… she was the one who initiated the kiss and seemed really into it. I suspect that it had something to do with me admitting that I wanted her, but even if that’s the reason why she reacted the way she did, I still don’t get it. It’s not like Cosima and I aren’t familiar with each other’s naked bodies. I know her body is damaged because of her illness, maybe the disease has left traces which makes her avoid intimacy. Yes, that must be it, she’s probably embarrassed about something physically. This conclusion also makes me wonder if she didn’t have any sexual partners after me. Cosima made it clear that she didn’t have any romantic relationships in those seven years, but no sex? At all? That doesn’t sound like her and makes absolutely no sense to me.

I climbed out of bed, shuffled into the kitchen, opened the fridge to grab a diet coke and sat down the couch. There’s no food in the house, so I decided to order sushi and watch a series on Netflix tonight. The food wouldn’t be here before 8, so I called Vivienne, put her on speaker and stepped into the shower to kill some time.

“Del?” her angelic voice filled the bathroom.

_“Bonsoir soeur, ça va?”_

“I’m great, what about you?”

My sister refuses to speak French with anyone, because it reminds her of her childhood and the time at boarding school. Our mother language brings back unwanted memories and she also never went back to France after she moved to New York. I accept her decision, because I know what she went through and how much it affected her, but I hate that she doesn’t visit our dad in Lille. She sort of forces him to fly to the US everytime he wants to see her, and the man isn’t very young and athletic anymore. We both have to live with the scars of the past, but putting our dad in such an impossible situation isn’t acceptable to me.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound fine. What’s the matter Delphine?”

“Ed is in Vancouver right now and it gives me time to think about our relationship.”

“He still wants that baby?”

_“Oui.”_

“And you’re still on birth control?

_“Oui.”_

“You need  to tell him Del. You can’t keep lying to him. It’s not fair.”

“Viv?”

“Yeah?”

“I had dinner with Cosima a few days ago.”

She took a deep breath and was silent for a few seconds, probably trying to form an appropriate response to such an unexpected confession.

“Excuse me?”

I repeated myself, rinsing the shampoo out of my hair before I opened the bottle of vanilla scented soap.

“Cosima? Clone Cosima? Scientist Cosima? Your ex Cosima?”

“Jeez Viv, how many Cosimas do you know?”

“Okay, tell me.”

I told her about the reception at work, about dinner, our kiss and her reaction to my straightforwardness, while I washed my body with soap. Vivienne gave me her so-called big sister advice, telling me that I should follow my heart, but that I also need to be honest with Ed. We continued to talk about superficial things after that, like Claire’s upcoming wedding and Robert’s struggles at the bank, until my doorbell rang.

“I need to go, my sushi is here,” I said, putting on a sweatpants and a simple blue t-shirt.

“Allright! Let me know when you hear something from your clone crush okay?”

“Not gonna happen Viv.”

“She’ll call you. Mark my words.”

“Yeah right. Okay gotta go. _Je t’aime_.”

“Bye sis. Love you too.”

* * *

 

I was halfway through the first episode of this new series Jackie had recommended at lunch yesterday, when the loud sound of my ringtone filled my ears. I didn’t bother looking at the screen to identify the caller, I already knew it was Ed. He calls every night to check up on me.

“Hi!” I mumbled, my mouth stuffed with sushi.

“Delphine? Is that you?”

His voice sounded strangely feminine and it took me a few seconds to realize it wasn’t Ed’s. I quickly swallowed the rice and fish, put the series on pause and leaned back into the cushions.

“Cosima?”

“Yeah! Hi! uhm…” she said nervously, her voice a little higher than usual. “I’ve been thinking about you and I think we should talk.”

My heart almost jumped out of my chest, my mouth went dry and my palms grew sweaty. I want to feel excited about seeing her again, but her tone sounds serious, almost as if she is mad at me.

“Okay. I can come to your place tonight?” I suggested.

“Well, I’m in your neighborhood actually. I can be there in about fifteen minutes?”

I stood up and ran into the bathroom, checking my hair as I looked into the mirror.

“Yeah sure, I’ll text you my address.”

“Thank you.”

I hung up, texted her my address and applied mascara to my eyelashes, my hair still wet from the shower I just had. _Merde_ , I look old. I considered putting on a fancy dress and straightening my hair, but I didn’t have time for that. I took a quick walk through the apartment, checking it for any evidence of a man living at this place. There was none, Ed doesn’t exist tonight. I shuffled back into the livingroom, closed the lid of my laptop and placed it on the coffee table just before the door bell rang for a second time tonight.

“Hi Cosima! Come in!” I said, a little too happily and enthusiastic. “Can I take your coat?”

She took off her white coat and colorful scarf, and handed them to me as she stepped inside, closing the door behind her. I let my eyes roam her body. She’s wearing jeans, a simple white v-neck t-shirt, a black blazer and high heeled ankle boots. A thick fishtale braid of dreads fell nonchalantly over her right shoulder and I noticed the bags under her eyes when I took in her beautiful face. She looks incredible and it makes me feel a little insecure, because I’m in my chill outfit, looking like a worn-out thirty-six-year old housewife.

“Tea?” I suggested as she took off her glasses to wipe them with the hem of her shirt. She merely nodded and followed me into the livingroom, carrying a leather brown handbag over her shoulder.

“This place looks nice,” she complimented, pushing her glasses back onto her face.

_“Merci.”_

“Please take a seat,” I encouraged, holding two cups of steaming hot tea in my hands.

“Thanks.”

“Did I interrupt your quality time?” she chuckled, pointing at the sushi on top of my closed laptop.

“Oh no, no, of course not. Have you eaten already?”

“Yes.”

“Okay do you mind if I…”

“No, please finish your dinner. Don’t mind me.”

“Feel free to try some if you want,” I smiled, putting another piece of sushi in my mouth. “So you were in the neighborhood?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, sipping her tea. “Scott lives nearby. I had promised him to babysit Elsie today. I just dropped her off.”

“Oh, what a great way to spend your Sunday,” I said, rolling my eyes. I can’t imagine giving up my free Sunday to babysit a toddler.

“Yeah, it was actually,” she responded, boring her eyes into mine. _Merde._ I’ve clearly offended her. “She’s such a sweet girl. We did some painting and I took her outside to build a snowman.”

“Oh.”

“Okay, anyway, Delphine,” she said, clearing her throat. “I know I was the one who kissed you after dinner, but it was a mistake okay? It can’t happen again.”

My heart stopped beating for a moment, until I could literally feel it breaking into a million pieces. She couldn’t be serious right? This is not happening… this is _not_ happening.

“Excuse me?” I asked dumbfounded.

“I think you heard me.”

“Wow,” I huffed, eyes wide. “And you came here all the way to tell me that? You could’ve just texted me you know.”

“I know, but that would be rude right?”

“And _this_ isn’t?”

“You know what? Never mind!”

She stood up from the couch, put her cup of tea on the coffee table and picked up her handbag from the floor.

“Where are you going?” I asked, panic seeping through my tone.

“Home.”

“No Cosima, please,” I begged, grabbing her arm. “I don’t understand.”

She yanked her arm back, stepped away from me and folded her hands behind her neck, focusing her eyes on the ceiling.

“Delphine,” she sighed. “You’re confusing me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just… having dinner with you, it made me realize that I’ve missed you okay?”

I nodded and sat down into one of the chairs, taking a sip of my tea.

“I wanted to kiss you, so I did, but it just can’t happen again.”

I shook my head, still not getting it. “Why? You didn’t like the kiss?”

“Oh God,” she sighed, twirling her braid around her finger. “Of course I did, but I don’t want to do it again. We can’t see each other anymore Delphine.”

“Why? Seriously Cosima! Say what you want to say.”

“I’m still in love with you.”

I sucked in a breath, clenched the steaming cup of tea in my hands, almost burning the skin of my palms, but I couldn’t feel anything. My body was frozen in its seat and my eyes were staring at Cosima, who was pacing back and forth behind the couch now.

“I’m in love with you too,” I confessed quietly.

“I know. I can feel that,” she whispered. “And that’s exactly why we can’t continue this.”

“Why?!”

“Because I can’t give you full access to my life Delphine! I’m so happy with the way things are right now. My life is stable and quiet, and I’m surrounded by people I love. I can’t let you in, because I have to keep their feelings in mind you know. I can’t destroy the safe bubbles they’re living in by bringing you into their lives too.”

I know she’s talking about her sisters, about Sarah who has never trusted me and probably never will, about Alison, who is angry at me for treating Cosima like I did. She’s probably also talking about Charlotte and Kira, I guess Cosima and her sisters are trying their best to give them a normal life, and bringing me into it will definitely bring back memories.

“I understand,” I whispered, standing up to put my plate and cup into the sink. “I guess I’ll see you around during lunch breaks then.”

“Okay,” she nodded, walking into the hallway to put on her coat. I followed her and already opened the front door the see her out. I glanced over my shoulder and saw her standing behind me, clutching her scarf in her hands.

“Delphine?” she whispered, covering my hand with hers.

“Yes?”

“This is not what my heart wants either.”

“Well, it’s funny that you say that, because your mouth was pretty clear Cosima.”

She curled her fingers around mine, closing the front door softly. I knitted my brows together in confusion and studied her face. I opened my mouth to ask her what she was doing, but didn’t get the chance to do so, because her lips were on mine before I realized it.

“Hmpf,” I mumbled, startled by her uncharacteristic action as she pushed me against the wall.

“Please,” she begged against my lips, cupping my face in her hands.“Kiss me.”

I didn’t move, completely shocked by this sudden turn of events. I wanted to stop her, but couldn’t find the strength to do so, my body already melting into her touch.

“Kiss me,” she begged again, pressing her mouth harder against mine. My hands grabbed her shoulders, gently pushing her away.

“Cosima listen,” I whispered, looking her straight in the eye. “I want to, but you can’t beg me to kiss you, then leave so abruptly and come back a few days later to tell me that all of this is a mistake.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry I ran away that night. I shouldn’t have done that, but I was nervous and chickened out.”

“Why were you nervous?” I asked as I gave her a soft smile.

“I don’t know.”

“We’ll take it easy okay? We’ll take our time.”

She nodded and leaned in, kissing me tentatively as she slipped her coat from her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. I didn’t want to give her control this time, and scooped her up in my arms, folding my hands under her butt before I carried her back to the livingroom. I fell back onto the couch, pulling her legs around my waist as I pressed my upper half against hers. A soft moan reached my ears when I pushed my tongue between her lips, squeezing her ass cheeks through her pants. Cosima wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me deeper into our passionate kiss. We kissed for a few minutes, tongues sliding against one another, while her hands roamed over my shoulders, arms and back, touching and exploring. My own hands slowly pushed the blazer off her shoulders, gently licking her upper lip with my tongue.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered as my mouth lazily kissed her cheek. A salty taste filled my taste buds, surprising me a little, and when I pulled away and opened my eyes, I noticed that she was crying.

“I’ve missed you too,” I smiled, wiping the tear from her cheek.

She smiled weakly and reached out to touch my face. Her fingers began to trace over my swollen lips,  my nose, my chin, cheekbones, eyebrows and even over my eyelids when they fluttered close. I’m not sure what she’s doing, but I guess she’s trying to remember, relearn and find out if her memory matches reality, taking in my face like a blind person would do. This is utterly Cosima, observing, learning and expressing herself with her hands. I let out a shaky breath, not wanting to interrupt the intense studying of my face, while I began to rub her arms with my palms.

“Cosima?”

“Hmm?” she hummed, her eyes still following her exploring fingers.

“Do you..” I said, not sure how to address my desire without scaring her. “I wanna take you to bed, but I’m not sure if you’re ready for that?”

She locked her eyes on mine, slowing the movements of her fingers, as she gave me a shy smile.

“Okay,” she nodded.

“Really?”

“Yes,” she whispered, pushing herself off my lap. She stood before me, stretched her arms above her head, grabbed her handbag and swung it over her shoudler. I looked her up and down, and almost burst out laughing at how silly she looked, almost like a schoolgirl, excitedly waiting for her first excursion.

“I’m sorry,” she chuckled, glancing at her bag. “My phone is in there and I need to be reachable, so I’m taking this to your bedroom.”

“Okay, whatever you want,” I laughed, standing up. “This is gonna be a quickie under pressure then?”

“No! No, Delphine. That’s not the case,” she said, a little panicked.

“Don’t worry. I was just teasing you.”

I took her by the hand and led her into the bedroom, squeezing her fingers to give her some reassurance. She gracefully positioned herself on the mattress, patting the empty space beside her. I didn’t need telling twice, lay down on my side and claimed her lips again. It’s quite amazing how, after all those years, she still manages to arouse me so quickly. I curled my fingers around her hip and carefully pushed her onto her back. She didn’t resist and opened her legs to make room for my body, silently asking me to get comfortable between them. I crawled on top of her and pushed myself up into a sitting position, straddling her hips. Her intense gaze burned into my skin, expectantly waiting for my next move. I took the hem of my shirt between my fingers and slipped it over my head in one swift movement. Cosima swallowed thickly, clenching the sheets in her fists, while her pupils dilated with desire. I reached behind my back, unclasped my bra and slowly let it slide from my shoulders, exposing my bare breasts to her hungry eyes. Cosima groaned deeply in the back of her troath and a smug smile tugged at the corners of my mouth at her obvious arousal. I know how much she likes breasts, how much she likes _my_ breasts. They haven’t changed a bit in all those years and I knew she would appreciate that.

“Delphine,” she moaned, stretching her arm to take my left breast into her hand. She tested its weight into her palm, before she flicked her thumb over the hardened peak. “Holy shit.”

I brought her other hand to my right breast, encouraging her to take all the time she needed to explore them. She tentatively cupped them, massaging, stroking and squeezing, before she sat up and circled her tongue around the left areola, gently tugging on the other nipple with her thumb and forefinger.

“Cosima,” I sighed in pleasure, arching into her touch. She took the nipple into her mouth, sucking harshly. I let out a choked cry and began to rock my hips subconsciously, rubbing my mound against her abdomen, while her hands left my breasts and began to wander over my belly.

“Is this from…?” she whispered, stroking her thumb over the small scar below my ribs.

_“Oui.”_

“Does it hurt?”

_“Non.”_

She lowered her head to kiss the healed skin, curling her arms around my waist before she let her body fall back against the sheets, dragging me with her.

“Can I?” she whispered in my ear, kissing the shell as she hooked her thumbs around the edges of my sweatpants.

“You don’t have to ask.”

She pushed the elastic band over my ass and I kicked them off my ankles, before I unbuttoned her jeans and slid them down her legs. The simple black panties she’s wearing, make my mouth water, and I was about to take them off too, but she stopped me when her voice filled my ears.

“Are you gonna keep staring at me like that or are you gonna kiss me again?”

I chuckled lightly and covered her body with mine, kissing her passionately. We kissed and kissed, until she was forced to break away in order to fill her vulnerable lungs with oxygen. My lips kissed a trail down her throat, while my hand made its way to one of her breasts, squeezing the soft flesh tenderly as she ran her fingers through my damp hair. Her breasts are definitely bigger, at least by a size, and I couldn’t help but moan at this discovery. My hips began to grind into hers, making me sigh in contentment.

“Please,” I begged, taking her hand in mine, guiding it over my belly, into my panties and over my waxed mound, until her fingers reached my swollen folds.

“F…Fuck,” she stuttered, closing her eyes at the feeling of my wet sex against her fingertips. “You’re so wet.”

“Sorry,” I whispered, rocking against her open palm.

“What?” she snorted. “Why are you apologizing?”

I shrugged my shoulders and buried my face in the crook of her neck, sucking at her pulse point.

“Don’t be sorry okay? I love it. I love that you’re getting this wet so easily. I guess it means that I’m still sexy right?”

“Definitely,” I giggled, bucking a little harder into her hand.

“Do you want my mouth?” she asked softly, pulling my panties over my hips with her free hand. “I remember how much you liked that.”

I shook my head, moaning against the skin of her throat when the image of her head between my legs popped up in my mind, but my boyfriend’s words were already echoing through my brain. _“No Delphine, you’re too wet. It’s gross.”_

“Are you sure? The sounds you’re making right now indicate something else,” she chuckled, tugging at my hip, encouraging me to rock a little faster.

“I want you inside me,” I confessed, opening my legs a little wider to give her more room to move.

“Hmm,” she moaned in approval, circling my entrance with her fingertips, preparing my body for what was about to come, coaxing it into complete relaxation before she was going to penetrate me. The thoughtful gesture made my heart swell with love and a loud cry erupted from my throat as she carefully filled me with two fingers, stilling her hand to give my body time to adjust. After a few seconds, she began to move in and out of me, quickly building a steady pace. Soft and gentle at first, but the stroking of her fingers gradually became more forceful and possessive, but never unpleasant or painful.

“You’re really wet and open for me Delphine,” she whispered after a couple minutes, placing a kiss on my sweaty forehead. “Can I try to add another finger?”

I nodded against her shoulder, touched by her need to ask for my consent. It’s something she always did whenever we made love in the past, even after I had assured her numberous times that I was fine with everything she wanted to try in bed.

I took a deep breath and tilted my head up to look into her eyes as she added a third digit into my pulsing sex. It went in smoothly and I moaned openly, not feeling even a bit embarrassed at how my body is responding to her touches. I’m convinced that I’m dripping into her palm right now, but I couldn’t give a shit. Cosima doesn’t look bothered by it either, because her eyes are screwed shut and she is nibbling on her bottom lip like she used to do when she’s experiencing pleasure from my approaching climax.

“Faster,” I shamelessly begged, and she immediately complied. A string of loud moans filled the air around us as my inner walls began to contract around her fingers, desperately trying to take her in deeper.

“Don’t stop,” I panted, closing my eyes as Cosima licked a bead of sweat from my throat. My right hand gripped the headboard and my hips faltered just before my whole body tensed above my lover.

“Yesss,” I heard Cosima hiss, moving her fingers faster to prolong my orgasm. Sparks of electricity shot through my spine and my legs began to shake violently while my hips bucked into her hand. The climax lasted a lot longer than I’m used to, exhausting my body with every passing second. The pleasure finally began to subside and the pace of Cosima’s fingers slowed down, guiding me through the aftershocks that wracked my shuddering body, until it went completely limp. I buried my face into the crook of her neck when it was over, panting harshly and trying to regain my breath as a soft groan of disapproval left my lips when she pulled out of me.

“Good,” Cosima whispered, peppering my forehead with kisses while her soaked fingers caressed the skin between my navel and pubic bone. “So good.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, curling my thumbs around the elastic band of her underwear, slowly pulling the fabric down. “Your turn.”

“You don’t have to Delphine,” she said, locking her eyes on mine. “I’m not expecting anything.”

“But I want to,” I insisted, flicking my thumb over the soft dark curls above her sex. “Unless you don’t…”

“I’m nervous,” she admitted, covering my hand with hers.

“Don’t be. I’ll take care of you okay?”

“Okay,” she nodded. I cupped her face in both hands and pecked her lips, smiling into the kiss when I felt her relax below me. My hands slipped under her t-shirt, the feeling of her soft belly surprised me a little. Cosima used to have prominant abdominal muscles, which always flexed deliciously under my fingertips when I touched her there. Her soft feminine belly is still sexy somehow. I was about to lift her shirt, but a gasp escaped me when she suddenly grabbed my wrists and shoved my hands away.

“Just…” she said, pulling the hem down. “Is it okay if I keep my shirt on?”

I was too surprised to ask any questions and just nodded. “Yeah.”

That’s very uncharacteristic for Cosima, I still remember how disappointed she was when I asked her if we could keep our underwear on during the first time we slept together. She doesn’t fully enjoy sex when she and her lover aren’t completely naked, stripped of all figurative layers. She needs it in order to feel a complete connection, that’s what she explained to me later.

“Thank you,” she whispered, pushing a curl behind my ear as I shifted my body to lie beside her.

I leaned in and kissed her, rubbing her belly over her t-shirt, before my hand traveled to her vulva. She didn’t really move, probably still a little nervous. I gave her a sweet smile and let my free hand caress her cheek.

“Open your legs a little,” I encouraged sweetly, locking my eyes on hers. She complied slowly and parted her legs the slightest bit. I let my fingers slip between them and a wave of confusion rushed through my body when my fingertips didn’t find any wetness there. She closed her eyes and let out a soft moan of pleasure when I brushed my thumb over her clit, confusing me even more.

“Do you like that?” I asked.

“Yes,” she nodded, sinking her head further into the pillow.

“Why aren’t you wet then?”

Her eyes flew open, staring up at the ceiling as she began to nibble on her bottom lip.

“Sorry,” she whispered. “It happens sometimes, but I’m aroused Delphine, please believe me. It has nothing to do with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, but we can stop if you don’t want to do this. I completely understand. I really do.”

I gave her another smile and kissed her cheek.

“No of course I don’t want to stop, but I don’t wanna hurt you Cosima,” I said, my voice dripping with affection. “But I can always use my mouth?”

A low groan rumbled in her chest as she licked her lips in anticipation.

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes,” she answered, spreading her legs wider. I positioned myself between them and began to kiss her inner thighs, nuzzled my nose into her trimmed pubic hair and pressed a soft kiss to her clit. I haven’t done this in almost seven years and I feel like monitor-Delphine all over again, insecure and nervous about intimately touching a woman. I experimentally dragged my tongue up and down her folds, humming at the feeling. It’s a little strange and unfamiliar without lubrication, but still very pleasurable. I repeated the motion with more pressure as I slipped my hands under Cosima’s ass, pulling her closer to my mouth.

“Oh my God,” she cried, tangling her fingers in my hair. I focused my attention on her clit, swirling my tongue around the sensitive nub, sucking it between my lips, kissing softly, until her sex began to swell under my mouth. Her breathing turned into soft pants, her hips began to move slightly, and a salty taste mingled with something sweet, finally touched the tip of my tongue as I continued to make love her.

“Hmm,” I hummed in approval, before I dragged my tongue to her opening, pressing my nails into her hips when it slipped it easily. Cosima’s soft pants filled the room, her chest rising and falling rapidly. I replaced my tongue for a finger, gently pushing it in and out of her. A loud groan rumbled in my chest when her walls gripped the digit tightly. I opened my eyes after a while, looking at Cosima, whose body didn’t give any indication of getting closer to the edge. She’s still panting softly, not moaning freely as she used to do, her hips aren’t bucking into my face like I remember so vividly, but moved slightly underneath my tongue. I glanced at Ed’s digital clock... I’m pleasuring her for at least twenty minutes now and I’m growing more and more frustrated. _Merde._

“Cosima, tell me what you need.” I asked, feeling angry with myself for not being able to bring her to orgasm. She pushed herself up on her elbows and looked down to lock her disorientated eyes on mine and began to study my face intently, trying to understand why I’ve pulled her out of her trance so suddenly.

“Shit! It’s taking too long isn’t it? You can stop if you want,” she said, breathing harshly through her nose while she placed a hand over her racing heart.

_“Non.”_

I took her clit between my lips, sucking gently, as a throaty moan escaped her mouth. Her arms flung back and she grabbed the headboard, arching her back off the mattress as I flicked my tongue over the throbbing bundle of nerves. I groaned in the back of my throat as I took in the erotic sight and let my eyes travel over her elegant neck, her full breasts that are covered by a simple t-shirt, but when my gaze reached her belly, I noticed that the hem of her shirt had ridden up to expose her abdomen. A thick red line from hip to hip just above her pubic bone met my eyes, surprising me immensely.  The realization began to sink in and I immediately stopped the ministrations between her legs before I traced my fingertip over the prominent scar. I could feel Cosima’s body tense under me when she realized why I had stopped the stimulation of her vulva once again. She curled her fingers around my upper arms, pulling me up until our faces were mere inches apart. I kissed her softly, still stroking the scar on her abdomen.

“Hysterectomy?” I whispered.

“Sort of,” she answered, a furious flush covering her cheeks. I shifted my body to lie beside her, taking her in my arms as my lips pressed a kiss to her hairline.

“When?”

“Two years ago.”

“Is that why you weren’t wet initially?”

“Yes, it takes time and sometimes, it doesn’t happen at all,” she sighed. “It’s also the reason why I don’t come very easily.”

“Never?”

“Only when I masturbate. It took a while, but now I know how to pleasure myself after the removal.”

I kissed her mouth, stroking her cheek with my thumb lovingly. I wonder what this means for our future sex life… _if_ we’ll have one, but maybe I shouldn’t worry about that now, I’m still with Ed for God’s sake and Cosima doesn’t want a romantic relationship.

“Is this the reason why you left the car so suddenly after we kissed?”

“Kinda.”

“Okay,” I nodded. “Do you still have your ovaries?”

I placed my hand above her mound, rubbing the warm skin affectionately.

“No, nothing. Not even a cervix.”

_Merde._

“Delphine?”

“Yes?”

“Does that turn you off?”

“What? _Non!_ Of course not Cosima.”

“Good,” she sighed, finally relaxing into the softness of the mattress.

“You’re not satisfied,” I whispered, brushing my finger over the bridge of her nose.

“Yes I am. Sex is different to me now Delphine. I’m relishing the emotional process itself a lot more now, instead of aiming for a climax like everyone else. I’m satisfied when you are okay? Seeing you come, feeling it, hearing it… it’s perfect. I’m kind of experiencing a mental orgasm when a woman comes in my arms Delphine. Physically climaxing is not what defines good sex… at least not anymore.”

I couldn’t come up with a fitting response to that, so I claimed her lips with mine in a passionate kiss, which she happily returned. We kissed for a few minutes, rubbing our wet centers against each other’s thighs while sighs and moans of pleasure filled the room.

“Cosima? Can I ask you an inappropriate question?”

“Of course,” she chuckled, massaging my breasts.

“Did you have a lot of sex partners after your hysterectomy?”

“No.” She shook her head, inhaling deeply. “Sex was the furthest thing from my mind after the surgery, but after a year or so, I noticed that my body was missing it you know? The intimacy, the feeling of a woman’s naked body pressed against mine… but I didn’t want to get involved with anyone. I didn’t want a relationship, and friends with benefits just doesn’t work for me. I fall in love way too easily, but I’m still young right? I still have needs.”

“So you hired a prostitute?” I joked, twirling her braid around my finger as I lazily rocked myself against her thigh.

“Kinda,” she chuckled awkwardly, obviously embarrassed with this conversation.

“Excuse me?” I said, eyes wide.

“It was Sarah who advised me to go on dates with some high-class escort, saying it’s normal these days and that everyone is doing it,” she whispered, flicking her thumbs over my hardened nipples. “And you know me right? Curious mind… wants to try everything, and my parents always taught me to approach sex without shame, but with curiosity. So I decided to give it a try. It was a nice experience, the boundaries were clear and it gave me the opportunity to get to know my body again, like… sexually you know, after the disease and surgery. ”

I could only nod, fascinated with how her brain works sometimes.

“We saw each other once a month, went out for dinner and booked a hotel room at the end of the night. It wasn’t cheap or dirty at all. She was so sweet and patient, kept telling me that I didn’t have to feel embarrassed about spending time with her, that I’m still a woman no matter if I have a uterus or not, and that it was okay for me to be a little selfish if I wanted to rediscover my body again,” she whispered as she continued to rub herself against me. “You know, we didn’t really have that much sex at all. We just lay in bed most of the time, kissing and caressing eacht other’s skin, and fondling the other’s intimate parts, while I talked non-stop about the illness, the impact of the slow process of dying, what it has done to my body, and about the long-term consequences. We occasionally cried together, until she came in my arms. It was more of a therapeutic experience than a sexual one.”

She flashed me a bright smile after she stopped talking, but I could see a deep sadness in her eyes. A wave of guilt unfolded in my stomach. I should have been there for her, offer support and help her heal physically, emotionally and sexually, but I wasn’t there and she reached out to a stranger to help her deal with everything. That must have been hard, lonely even. I know she has trust issues, but I still don’t get why she didn’t go on dates and fall in love again. That’s a choice right?

“I’m so glad that you allowed yourself to do this. Every human needs physical contact and intimacy Cosima, it’s totally okay if this worked for you. Don’t be ashamed about it,” I whispered, not even feeling a hint of jealousy.

“Oh, I’m not, but I don’t wanna share it with everyone either. She looked like you by the way,”  she laughed, looking up to the ceiling. “A nice lady from Belgium with a thick French accent and blonde curls.”

“Did you choose her on purpose?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh my God Cosima,” I burst out laughing, this is utterly ridiculous. What a weird amazing woman she is.

“It was nice for a while, but then Alison found out. Don’t ask me how, but she did, and she threatened me that I couldn’t see Charlotte anymore if I continued with these _inappropriate and disgusting activities_. Alison and I love each other a lot, but I’ve done something in the past that really hurt her and she still punishes me for it sometimes.”

I opened my mouth to ask her about the details, but she took a deep breath and began to speak again.

“Anyway, it all led to a huge fit between Sarah and Alison, they didn’t speak to each other for days, but I didn’t dare to call the woman again. So I haven’t had sex for at least six months now.”

“Yeah it showed.”

I looked her straight in the eye. She gaped at me for a moment, until she burst out laughing, tickling my ribs and making me squeal with laughter.

“That was cold Delphine. I guess I deserved that.”

I rolled on top of her, tugged on her shirt and a whole new wave of arousal ran through me when she allowed me to take it off this time.

“I’m only joking,” I giggled as I kissed my way down, licking her throat, nipping at her collarbone, until I reached her breasts. I squeezed them through her black bra and groaned at the fullness in my hands before I dragged my lips across her cleavage. My fingers pulled down the straps, when suddenly, the sound of her ringtone brought us back to reality. She gently nudged me off her and jumped out of bed, grabbed her bag and held it upside down.

“Hi sweetheart,” she said in a loving tone as she accepted the call, grabbing her iPad with her free hand to put it back into her leather bag.

“Oh no baby, you don’t have to feel guilty,” she continued as I glanced at the mess she had made on my bed. Notebooks, pencils, chewing gum, a granola bar, car keys, a water bottle and… a pacifier with a string of colorful beads? I snorted as a funny and disturbing image of Cosima and a baby invaded my mind, it’s probably Elsie’s, the girl she had to babysit today. I picked it up to examine it more closely, but didn’t get the chance to do so when Cosima roughly yanked it out of my hand and put it in her bag without looking at me.

“I’ll be there in thirty minutes okay Charlie?”

She hung up the phone and began to dress herself.

“I’m sorry Delphine, my sister needs me to come home.”

“Is Charlotte living with you?” I asked curiously.

“No, she lives with the Hendrixes, Donnie and Alison are her legal guardians, but she’s in my house right now,” she answered, adjusting her glasses. “I’ll give you a call okay?” She leaned in, gave me a quick peck on the lips and practically ran out the bedroom as I covered my naked body with the sheets, feeling confused, guilty, satisfied, happy and… so in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and I apologize for the following things:  
> \- the smut not being super hot (I'm not the best smut writer, it's so hard). It's not always fireworks right? Especially not the first time. ;)  
> \- the length of this chapter  
> \- my English/ the mistakes  
> \- and I'm not sure if I'm able to update next week because of my studies, but I'll do my best.


	5. Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! The good news is that I'm able to update today. The bad news? I'm definitely not happy with this chapter ;'). I struggled a lot with every scene. Hopefully, the next one will be interesting again lol, but maybe you'll like it anyway. :D Enjoy your weekend!

_“Merde,”_ I gasped, clutching the towel to my chest. “You scared me.”

“I’m sorry babe,” he chuckled as he threw his suitcase on the bed. “I called your name, but you didn't respond.”

“That’s because I was in the shower and couldn’t hear you.”

He took off his shirt, exposing his muscular chest and toned abs to my eyes as I rubbed the towel over my legs and butt.

“I’m sorry sweetheart.”

“No, it’s okay,” I smiled, rubbing the towel over my belly and up to my breasts. “How was your trip?”

“It was awesome. Lots of snow, the best apres-ski bars ever, and Frank had his eyes on this blonde chick the entire weekend,” he laughed, unbuckling his belt before he took off his jeans.

“I’m glad you had fun Ed,” I smiled, walking over to him to press a quick kiss against his lips.

“Hmm,” he hummed, curling his strong arms around my waist. “I’ve missed you.”

“You did?”

“Yeah.”

“Good,” I whispered, kissing his cheek before I dropped the towel to the floor. I walked over to our closet to grab a pair of panties and my fluffy cheeta-printed robe. “So, did Frank get the girl in the end?”

“No,” he chuckled. “The girl showed no interest in him, it was me who she really wanted. Frank was pissed. Fantastic weekend.”

“Oh,” I sighed, not very impressed.

“You know why Delphine?”

“Tell me.”

“Because my dick is bigger than his,” he laughed, pulling his boxers down before he curled his fingers around his manhood, giving it a few tugs. “I’m the real man Delphine. Frank is just a boy. He has a micro penis.”

“How do you know Ed? Did Frank show you his dick while you shared a hotel room?”

“Eh,” he said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I just have this feeling.”

“Right.”

I rolled my eyes and let out a scream when he grabbed my shoulders and threw me on the bed, crawling on top of me.

“I don’t engage in homosexual activity Delphine,” he whispered in my ear. “What about you?”

My whole body tensed underneath him and fear started to crawl up my spine while he stared into my eyes. Does he know? Does he know I brought Cosima to our bed two nights ago? How?

“What do you mean?” I whispered, averting my gaze from his.

“It must be so hot to see you kiss another woman,” he said in a low voice. “Maybe we should pick up some girl at at gay bar Del, so you can lick her pussy while I can watch. Fuck that’s so hot.”

A wave of nausea crept up my throat as I thought of Cosima and Ed in the same bedroom, him watching us while we make love to each other, and I almost gagged when I felt his manhood slightly harden against my thigh.

“Okay, okay that’s enough big boy,” I giggled nervously, pushing him off me. “I’ll make you some coffee while you take a shower okay?”

“Thanks babe. I love you.”

* * *

 

“Good shower?” I asked as I heard Ed’s feet shuffling into the living room. I didn’t look up from the essay I was reading.

“Delphine?”

“Yes?”

“I seriously hope you have a good explanation for this.”

I snapped my head up and looked at him. He was standing in in front of me, wearing a pair clean of boxers, holding a little box in his hand, while drops of water trickled down his chest.

_Merde._

“Where did you find that?” I asked in a trembling high-pitched voice.

“I was looking for my stuff, which I found in your cabinet for some strange reason,” he said, anger seeping through is tone. “ Are you on birth control?”

I sucked in a breath, covering my mouth to stifle the sobs that erupted from deep inside my chest. The hurt in his eyes, the expression of his face, the feeling of betrayal… I never anticpated the effect it has on me.

“Delphine, why? You took out your IUD to get pregnant. We decided that we were going to try for a baby.”

His voice was shaking with emotion and I began to cry harder when I saw tears streaming down his cheeks. I hate being the cause of someone’s pain.

“I don’t want a kid Ed,” I confessed, wiping the tears of my face.

“Since when? Have you changed your mind? I thought we were on the same page about this.”

“Since you first brought it up.”

“Excuse me? You lied to me? All those months?”

“Ed, you want to have a baby more than anything sweetheart. I was scared, so scared you were going to leave me if I didn’t agree on this.”

“And instead of telling me, so we could work it out, you decided to turn my life into a lie?”

“Ed please,” I sighed, reaching out to grab his hand.

“NO!” he shouted, clenching his fists in anger. “You know Delphine, I would never give up our relationship for a kid. I love you. You’re the most important person in my life. I would never leave you if you didn’t want a baby, but this…. this is unacceptable. You’ve broken my trust forever.”

He turned around and marched into the bedroom. I quickly stood up and ran after him, a feeling of panic rushed through me as the consequences of my decision started to sink in. My life was slowly crumbling around me for a while, and I think I’ve completely ruined it by now.

“Ed,” I begged, tears streaming down my face as he lifted his suitcase from the bed. “Where are you going?”

“I need space Del.”

“No stay.”

“NO! Go back to the livingroom, you’re really testing my patience right now.”

“No please,” I cried, completely distraught. “I’m so sorry. So sorry. Let me make it up to you.” I fell to my knees, yanked his boxers down to his ankles and took his soft penis into my mouth, sucking firmly, desperately trying to coax in into an erection so I could offer him more.

“WHAT THE FUCK,” he screamed. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” He roughly pushed me away. I tumbled backwards and let out a cry of pain when my head hit the wall.

“Fuck,” he cursed, kneeling down, curling his fingers around my bare calf. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you. I don’t know my own strength. I’m sorry babe. Are you okay?”

_“Oui.”_ I stood up, leaning against the wall to support my trembling body, before I walked over to him and unfastened the belt of my robe.

“Please,” I whispered, bringing his hands to my breasts, forcing him to touch them. “I love you.”

“Delphine?”

_“Oui?”_

“You look a lot more like your mom than you think,” he spat, pulling his hands away. “Your sexuality can’t solve everything.”

“That’s an insult Ed. You’re just trying to hurt me now.”

“No Delphine, look at you! You’re embarrassing yourself. You’re trying to fix this mess with sex.”

“Please stay,” I begged, digging my nails into my palms. “Let’s talk about this.”

“There is nothing to talk about. I’m going to Frank’s for the night. Maybe you can stay in a hotel for a while. I’ll pay for it, but I want the apartment to myself and I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“ _Je t'aime,_ ” I offered quietly as he turned around and left the bedroom without looking back.

* * *

 

_“Henri, please,” she begged, tears streaming down her face. “I’m so sorry.”_

_I know her tears are all part of the act. They are not truly genuine. I’ve seen this so many times, I recognize her strategy from miles away, the tactics she uses to get her way. I always copy her behavior when my father doesn’t give me what I want. Crying fake tears, a trembling bottom lip, it always works._

_“No you’re not sorry! You keep doing it again and again!”_

_“Please don’t be mad at me.”_

_They were standing in their bedroom, shouting at each other, their faces flushed with anger, while I watched them, peeking through the slightly opened door._

_“I am mad at you! I can’t believe I keep forgiving you. You keep bringing other men to our marital bed Yvette! I’m so stupid.”_

_“I won’t do it again sweetheart. I promise.”_

_“Promise? Like last time?” he spat sarcastically, sweat trickling down his forehead. “Seriously, for how long is this one going on now?”_

_She shrugged her shoulders, averting her hazel eyes from his blue ones as a new round of fake tears rolled down her cheeks._

_“Stop screaming will you?” she whispered. “You’re gonna wake up our girls.”_

_“Our girls? Merde Yvette. I’m not even sure if Delphine is mine.”_

_An icy chill slithered down my spine as my name reached my ears. Not mine? What does that mean? My mother has told me the basic things about the birds and bees, but she didn’t want to aswer all off my questions, saying I was too young to know everything yet. I don’t agree, I’m eight already. I’m a big girl and already kissed Luc on the lips once. I’m not that little anymore._

_“Delphine is yours.”_

_“How do you know?”_

_“Because I can feel it.”_

_“You can feel it? You’re a psychic now too? She doesn’t even look like me Yvette!”_

_“Henri, please,” she sighed, wiping her tears as she stood up from the bed._

_“Maybe we should take a break. I can stay at my parents’ house for a while.”_

_“Non please,” she whined, flipping her blonde curls to the side, exposing her elegant neck to my father’s eyes._

_She pressed her body against him before she brushed her red lips over his ear, whispering something I couldn’t hear. I knew what was going to happen next, I’ve seen it a few times, the things she does whenever she brings men into her bedroom who are not my dad. The men threaten my mom to end their affair, whatever that means, if she doesn’t leave my dad for them. My mother always shows her body to those men to shut them up and get her way. It always works._

_“Yvette,” my father groaned in a low voice, the one he also uses to warn my sister and me if we’re about to do something that we’re not supposed to._

_My mom took the straps of her nightgown between her fingers, slipping them off her shoulders, until the santin fabric lay in a puddle around her feet. I immediately recognized the pink lace panties she’s wearing, she had bought them with my father’s creditcard yesterday, even though he had told her not to._

_“You can’t have these when you’re at your parents’,” she said, guiding his hands up to her bare breasts. He gently squeezed them and leaned back against the desk. I clasped my hand over my mouth, stifling a giggle, while I clutched my teddy bear against my chest, feeling naughty for watching them. My mom ran her fingers through my father’s dark hair, raking her perfectly manicured fingernails over his scalp before she kissed him. A funny and unfamiliar feeling unfolded in my tummy as I curiously took in the two kissing adults in front of me._

_“Please stay Henri,” my mom whispered, as my father kissed a trail down to her bare breasts. “You won’t regret it.”_

_I managed to suppress another giggle, and the strange feeling in my tummy grew stronger, confusing me, but also fascinating me at the same time..._

My body bolted upright as the vibration of my phone woke me up from a very realistic dream… images of my childhood floating through my subconscious. I glanced at the empty space beside me. Ed is probably still in Vancouver, he will be back in the early hours of the morning. I scanned the bedroom and my eyes fell on the a pile of clothes on the floor… Ed’s clothes. _Merde_. I swallowed back another round of tears and reached under my pillow to grab my phone.

“Hello?” I said in a shaky voice as I accepted the call.

“Hi Delphine. It’s Dan! I’m sorry for calling you at this hour, but there’s something I want to ask you and it can’t wait until tomorrow.”

“What is it?”

“Well, the uni has given me and two other professors the opportunity to visit the University of Ottawa for three days.  Of course we’re not going to spend three days on campus, we also booked a few excursions. It’s gonna be very interesting.”

“Okay,” I said, not sure why I needed to know this. “And?”

“And we’re allowed to invite two of our most talented and promising employees who’re attached to the three chosen departments. We already had to choose from our employees back in October. I asked Jim and Jackie, but Jim got sick with the flu tonight, so I was thinking… maybe you would like to join us?”

“That sounds wonderful Dan,” I exclaimed, guinenly honored that he decided to ask me.

“Great. I’m going to call Anthony that you’ll replace Jim.”

“Anthony? From the History department?”

“Yes, that’s him. He’s bringing George and Eric with him.”

“Who are the others?”

“Christine from Biology. She invited Gavin and Cosima.”

My heart began to beat faster and almost jumped out of chest as Cosima’s name rolled from his lips. I want to spend more time with Cosima, but I’m not sure if this kind of trip will offer the perfect circumstances to explore our feelings for each other. On the other hand, a distraction is very welcome after what happened a few hours ago, and being in Cosima presence is exactly what I need right now.

“Delphine? Are you still there?”

“ _Oui_. Sorry. When is this trip?”

“Eh,” he said awkwardly. “Tomorrow.”

“ _Mon Dieu_.”

“I’ll pick you up okay? Your boyfriend can sleep in,” he chuckled and the sound of my boyfriends’ name shattered my heart. I’ve ruined his trust, our life together.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” I managed to choke out.

“Great! Goodnight Delphine.”

“Goodnight Dan.”

I jumped to my feet, dragged my suitcase from under the bed and began to stuff it with clothes, makeup, a nice pair of shoes and my straightener, while I thought of Cosima. Do I need to call her? Tell her that Dan invited me to go with them? I decided to think about it a little longer and crawled into bed again. My side of the bed was still warm, lulling me to sleep in no time.

* * *

 

I put on a fashionable pair of snowboots, pulled my beanie down over my ears and draped a scarf around my neck before I walked outside, dragging my suitcase behind me.

“ _Bonjour_ Dan,” I greeted him excitedly as I positioned myself in the passenger seat.

“Goodmorning Delphine.”

We began to talk about the trip, the different museums we’re going to visit and about a few of my students, until my phone buzzed in the pocket of my coat. I quickly looked at the screen and realized I had received a text message from Cosima.

“Sorry Dan, I need to…”

“Oh no, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk all those hours,” he chuckled.

I gave him a smile before my eyes scanned the words of Cosima’s message.

**From:** Cosima  
_Hi Delphine, we all got a text from Dan last night. So, you’re the one who’ll be joining is on this trip instead of Jim? I just wanted to let you know that it’s totally okay with me. See you this afternoon :)_

“Your lover?” Dan asked as my fingers began to create a reply.

“What?” I gasped. How does he know?

“Ed? Your boyfriend?”

“Oh eh… no.”

**To:** Cosima  
_That’s a relief. See you in a few hours!_

**To:** Ed  
_I’m not in town for the next three days. The apartment is all yours._

“Okay,” Dan said. “Trouble in paradise?”

“A little.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

It was silent for the next hour and I quickly fell asleep, resting my head against the window and dreaming of nothing in particular when Dan’s phone started buzzing.

“Hi babe,” he whispered. “Please talk quietly. Delphine is in the car and she’s fast asleep.”

His husband started talking about the groceries for the next three days and I closed my eyes again, not wanting to interrupt the conversation they were having.

“Dan?” I asked, when he hung up the phone.

“Yes?”

“Are there a lot of gay people working at the university?”

“Oh God, like all the departments? I don’t know to be honest.”

“What about Immunology?”

“Just me.”

“Okay.”

I wonder if Cosima is open about her sexuality at work. I know she doesn’t give a shit, but I don’t know if she is okay with sharing that part of her life with colleagues. Dan began to talk about his husband, his two adopted daughters and their family life for a long, long time, until we finally arrived at the hotel. The others were waiting for us at the hotel’s restaurant, already sipping their alcoholic drinks. I glanced at Cosima, who was circling her fingertip around the rim of her cup of tea.

“Hi guys,” Dan said, waving at the others. I introduced myself to the two men I had not seen before and sat down next to Jackie, who ordered me a glass of wine.

“Yo Anthony, is there some kind of plan or something? A schedule?” Cosima asked, already growing impatient. This was probably taking too long for her liking, the social part of this trip. She’s eager to explore new things and she didn’t come here all the way for casual conversations and small talk. I gave her sweet smile and looked at Anthony.

“Yes of course, we’ll bring the luggage to our rooms, relax a bit and meet a few professors for dinner at this restaurant around 8.”

“And tomorrow?”

“We’ll be visiting the university in the morning and two museums in the afternoon.”

“Which museums?”

“Jesus Cosima, stop being so curious will you? It’s a surprise okay? Just let it happen,” he sighed in annoyance, rolling his eyes.

“Delphine,” Dan whispered, handing me a key card. “Third floor, room 351.”

I snapped my head up to look him in the eye, searching his face for a further explanation.

“Eh,” he said nervously. “That’s your room.”

“Oh,” I giggled. “Right, thanks.”

We finished our drinks and grabbed our luggage before we took the elevator up to different floors. I watched Cosima carefully and made a mental note when she and Gavin left the elevator on the second floor. It’s not like I’m going to visit her in her hotel room, but I like to know where I can find her if she needs me… or… something.

* * *

 

The sound of clicking heels filled my ears as I walked towards my room, opening the door with the key card. Dinner had been lovely, the professors were very nice and one of them even offered me a job when I told him about my latest research project, but I politely declined. I don’t want to move again, not now Cosima and I are slowly growing closer. The professors were also very impressed with her, her extraordinary intelligence, her passion for biology, and the way she gives her unsencoured opnion on everything science-related. We didn’t get the chance to talk to each other, but that’s okay. I’m just glad that I’m in her presence for three days, even if I don’t get to speak to her in private.

She looked absolutely stunning during dinner, wearing a long-sleeved wrap dress in different shades of red, high heels and her hair pulled up in a big bun. She still looks the same on the outside, but there’s something in her that has changed over the past seven years, and seeing her in that dress tonight, finally made me realize what it was.

Cosima is a real woman now, a powerful, confident, independent woman. Of course, she’s always been a real woman, but she could be a little childish sometimes. I guess she’s just too intelligent, her parents always treated her like an adult from a very young age, forcing her to grow up too fast. I once cautiously asked Cosima about her childish side and that’s when she told me she wasn’t allowed to play a lot when she was a kid. She didn’t play with other kids, didn’t have toys, and mostly talked to professors and doctors during her childhood. Her parents signed her up for science classes at the age of three and she started to play the piano when she turned four. They were very remote, of course they kissed and hugged their daughter, but not as much as Cosima needed. She needs a lot of physical contact to feel connected and I think her parents were able to give her that to a certain extent. Cosima moved out of her parents’ house to live on her own after she finished high school, and that’s when she finally allowed her inner-child to come out. I guess child-Cosima and adult-Cosima were still very imbalanced when I met her, something that I found extremely adorable at the time… that goofy, childish side. Cosima and Kira playing with Kira’s dolls, Scott playing Runewars with her, it was all very fascinating to watch, witnessing such a brilliant scientist change into a young girl bursting with excitement over a stupid boardgame. I think those two sides of her are balanced now, making her even more attractive and sexy.

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts as I undid the zippers of my black gladiator heels.

“Room service.”

I smiled at the sound of her voice and ran towards the door.

“ _Bonsoir mademoiselle_. What kind of service do you offer?”

A wave of satisfaction spread through my chest as a deep flush covered her cheeks.

“Eh,” she said nervously. “I uhm…”

I looked her up and down and noticed that she had changed into a simple jeans, black t-shirt and boots.

“Come in,” I offered, stepping aside.

“Oh no, no,” she said, gesturing wildly. “Jackie, Gavin and I are going to a club and we were wondering if you would like to come with us?”

A club? With Cosima?

“I would love to, but I need to change first. This dress isn’t very comfortable.”

“Yeah of course, we’ll meet you downstairs in an hour okay?”

“No, please keep me company while I get ready?”

She swallowed thickly, considered my offer, and after a second, she stepped inside. She sat down on the kingsize bed, her back resting against the headboard, as she picked up the book that I’m currently reading, while I tried to wiggle out of my dress. I felt her eyes burning into my skin as I pulled my lace balcony bra out of my suitcase. I glanced into the mirror and saw Cosima licking her lips as the cups covered up my breasts while my fingers fastened the clasp behind my back. I know how much Cosima loves this, according to her, there is nothing more sexy, attractive or feminine than a woman putting on a bra in front of her.

“Delphine?” she said, her voice an octave lower than usual.

“ _Oui?_ ” I replied, pulling the straps over my shoulders.

“You’re beautiful.”

“ _Merci_ Cosima.”

She shifted her attention back to my book as I put on my jeans and and a white blouse.

“Cosima? How is your student doing?” I asked, wiping the makeup off my face.

“You mean Hannah? The girl with schizophrenia?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s okay. She left the hospital a few days ago.”

“Is she at her parents’ house?”

“No she’s at some clinic to get some rest and therapy.”

“A clinic? Which one?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Schweiner? Scheinder? Schnitzel?”

My stomach did a couple somersaults and my heart skipped a beat as Ed’s last name left Cosima’s mouth.

“Why?”

“N..nothing,” I stuttered, applying mascara to my lashes. “Just interested.”

“Allright.”

It was silent for at least five minutes, until Cosima began to speak again.

“Delphine, I’ve told Gavin about our uhm… intimate night.”

I almost stabbed myself in the eye with my eye pencil, instantly reminding me of Rachel’s fake eye.

“What did he say?”

“That he’s happy for me and that I should take my time to figure out if I want you to be my girlfriend.”

“Oh. That’s good…I guess.”

“Yeah, but he told Sarah this morning.”

I turned around, dropping my eye pencil to the floor. Sarah is definitely not happy about this, she will not welcome me with open arms.

“What did _she_ say?”

“Basically the same thing,” she smiled. “She would love to have you over for dinner when we’re an official couple.”

Wow. I would never have expected such a grown-up reaction from Sarah in a million years. She’s so very protective of Cosima, almost as if Cosima is her daughter instead of her favorite sister. Of course I understand, with everything she went through and her sister being terminally ill at the time, but Sarah’s protectiveness also makes me doubt myself. Will I ever be good enough for her sister? Probably not.

“Do you want to be an official couple?” I asked cautiously as I thought of my current relationship or the lack of… I don’t know at this point. _Merde_.

“No,” she shook her head and relief washed over me when the words left her mouth. “I just want to spend time with you, have fun and let it all happen, so we can take our time to figure out if we want to be a couple or not.”

“That sounds perfect Cosima.”

I sat down on the edge of the bed and slipped my feet into my kneeboots, before I pulled my hair up into a messy bun.

“Have you thought about our night?”

I turned my head to the side to lock my eyes on hers, but she wasn’t looking at me. Her gaze was focused on her fingers, toying with the hem of her shirt, her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink.

“I have,” I smiled, even though she couldn’t see it. “What about you?”

“Hmm,” she hummed, nodding her head as a tear escaped from the corner of her eye.

“Cosima,” I whispered, reaching out to wipe the tear away. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Yes, of course. I thought that was pretty clear,” I chuckled, curling my fingers around her wrist, squeezing softly. Of course it was different, after her surgery, and of course I’m worried about what it means for the future. I think I need to lower my expectations in bed, her body gets exhausted easily and I can’t bring her to orgasm everytime, maybe never. I guess I really need time to accept that, get used to the idea that we can’t have a quickie in a lab anymore, now that Cosima needs time to become aroused. I don’t even know if she still has a normal sex drive, maybe Cosima is happy to have sex only once a month, maybe she’ll never initiate it… I don’t think I can accept that if that’s the case. _Merde_.

“Do you want to do it again?”

“Like, right now?” I said, glancing at my watch. Ten minutes until we’re expected in the lobby.

“No,” she giggled, finally making eye contact. “Some day. When there’s time and we’re relaxed and in the mood.”

“ _Oui_. I want to do it again.”

“So my defect didn’t turn you off for good?”

“ _Mon Dieu,_ Cosima, please stop,” I said, a little shocked by her lack of confidence. “I already told you it doesn’t make a difference to me.”

A loud wail echoed through my hotel room as Cosima covered her mouth with her hand, sobs wracking her body. My eyes widened in surprise, I wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction.

“ _Merde_ ,” I cursed, grabbing her shoulders. “What’s wrong? Did I say something that upset you?”

“N..no,” she hiccuped. “I’m just so relieved and happy. I never thought I would experience this ever again. The connection, a deep level of trust, sex with a woman I’m in love with, the fact that she isn’t turned off by my defect and wants to make love again. I feel so happy Delphine.”

‘You deserve to be happy Cosima,” I whispered, feeling a little guilty about my thoughts from seconds ago. “And please stop calling the absence of your uterus and ovaries a defect. It’s not.”

She shifted on the mattress, curled her arms around my neck and kissed me briefly on the lips.

“We need to go,” she whispered, wiping the last tears from her face. “Gavin and Jackie are waiting for us.”

“Yes, let’s go have some fun!”

* * *

 

Jackie and I hurried back into the club after a much needed cigarette break, a little unsteady on our feet. I’ve had a drink or two, maybe a few more, and the alcohol is already kicking in, making me dizzy and slightly drunk. My eyes quickly found Cosima and Gavin, dancing and laughing together. She’s definitely having a good time, moving her body in sync with the rhythm of the music, arms flying through the air in graceful motions, hips swaying lightly, while she occasionally sipped her ginger ale. I love seeing her like this, so carefree and happy.

Jackie grabbed my hand and dragged me across the dancefloor, twirling me around when we reached them. I giggled shyly and began to move my body to the beat, closing my eyes, completely caught up in the music. I was dancing for a while, when the smell of lavender filled my nostrils and a full round ass suddenly pressed against my pelvis. A content smile formed on my face as I buried my nose into familiar dreads, inhaling deeply, while I kept my eyes closed. I curled my arm around her waist, pulling her closer as I instinctively pressed my bosom against her back.

“Hi,” I chuckled, squeezing her hip affectionately.

“Hmm,” she responded, leaning into me.

“Are you looking forward to tomorrow?” I asked, pressing a quick kiss to the shell of her ear.

“Yes,” she nodded excitedly. “I really wanna see the campus and those mysterious museums.”

I wonder if she gets any sleep tonight, she must be so excited and impatient to visit the university tomorrow.

“Have you been to Ottawa before?”

“No, you?”

“No.” I shook my head and brushed my nose over her dreads. I think I’m getting addicted to her smell… again.

“I don’t think there is much time to explore the city. Anthony has a pretty tight schedule.”

“Tomorrow after dinner perhaps.”

“Who knows,” she said, still swaying her hips against me.

I don’t know for how long Cosima and I danced together, but I could feel her steady breaths changing into short gasps while the minutes passed. She turned around, wrapped her arms around my neck and placed her head on my shoulder, her breath tickling my skin. I opened my eyes and tried to analyze her facial expression, but the flashing lights made it hard to see anything.

“Are you allright?” I aksed, my mouth close to her ear.

“Yeah.”

I didn’t believe her and was about to ask her again, when suddenly, Gavin grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from me. Judging by the movements of their hands and Cosima’s angry face, they were arguing about something. I sat down in one of the barstools and watched them closely. Cosima’s hand reached into her purse and took out a plastic card that was similar to my hotel room’s key card. Everyone was given a spare one, but I didn’t understand why Cosima would give Gavin a key to her room.

“We’re going back to the hotel,” he shouted over the music, placing his hand on my shoulder to escort me out of the club.

The ride back to the hotel was quiet and relaxed. Jackie had fallen asleep in the back seat and Gavin was playing some game on his phone. I stared out of the window, gazing up to the pitch black sky, while Cosima focused her eyes on the road.

“Cosima?” I asked, reaching out to slip my hand between her thighs, squeezing the flesh affectionately.

“Yes?”

“Did you have a good time tonight?”

“Yeah, you?”

“ _Oui._ ”

“Good.”

“I really liked it when you and I danced together,” I admitted, not caring what Gavin would think of us.

She nodded shyly, a smile forming on her face as she crossed the street.

“Me too.”

“Would you like to sleep in my room tonight?”

Gavin snorted from the backseat and I tried to ignore it, but my upper half already turned around to glare at him. He quickly focused his attention on his stupid game, avoiding my angry face.

“Delphine,” Cosima sighed. “You’re drunk.”

“No. I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

“Whatever Cosima, please?”

“No.”

“What?” I asked, as an unpleasant chill ran through my body. Maybe it’s a little presumptuous of me, but I was pretty convinced that Cosima would accept the offer immediately. “Why?”

“Because we’re on a trip with colleagues Delphine… professionals,” she whispered. “We can’t walk out of the same room in the morning. That’s weird.”

“ _Oui_ ,” I nodded. I hadn’t thought of that. It always seems like nobody else exist when I’m with her. “You’re right.”

She parked the car in front of the hotel and we left the vehicle. I glanced at my watch and almost panicked when I realized it was 4 in the morning. _Mon Dieu_. We’re having breakfast in about four hours. The elevator stopped on the second floor, we said our goodbyes and only ten minutes later, I collapsed into bed and drifted off to sleep within seconds.

* * *

 

_“Cosima?” I whispered, swirling my tongue around the second Eskimo Pie of the night._

_“Hmm?” she hummed, kissing my sternum, while her fingers lightly caressed my belly._

_“You were right. These are really good.”_

_“Told you so. My parents always used them to reward me when I did something that pleased them.”_

_“Are you rewarding me for pleasing you?” I giggled, brushing my thumb over her cheek._

_“Yes,” she whispered seductively, placing a soft kiss on my bra-clad nipple. “You’re a quick learner Delphine.”_

_“Cosima, are your parents okay with the way you are?”_

_She tilted her head up, looking me straight in the eye and I could clearly make out the confusion in her beautiful brown orbs as she raised an eyebrow at me._

_“They don’t know, obvs.”_

_“You didn’t tell them?” I asked, eyes wide. I can’t believe how she managed to keep something like that a secret for so long._

_“Uhm… no? Of course not. It will devastate them.”_

_“But you’ve had girlfriends before right?”_

_She studied my face for a moment, looking even more confused than before._

_“Oh you mean,” she said awkwardly, gesturing her hands. “My sexual orientation? I’m sorry, but that’s so normal to me, it’s not the first thing that pops up in my mind when someone asks me that question.”_

_What did she think I was asking her? If her parents are aware that their only daughter is a clone? God, maybe she knows that I know. Is she monitoring me too?_

_“Yes, I was wondering if they are okay with you being a lesbian.”_

_“They are,” she whispered as her finger began to trace patterns on my belly. “I told them on my seventeenth birthday. They weren’t very surprised though.”_

_“Non?”_

_“No, they kind of had this feeling for a few years. They didn’t really care.”_

_“What about you?” I asked when I noticed that her_ _smile slightly faltered._

_“I began to suspect it when I was about twelve, but it wasn’t until I was sixteen that I knew for sure and…” she said, looking down at her fingers on my skin. “I’ve had a rough time after I came out. I couldn’t really accept myself and began to smoke pot on a daily basis. I smoke pot to deal with difficult things and stress.”_

_I reached out to curl my fingers around the back of her neck. Her confession surprised me a little. Cosima is so comfortable with her sexuality now, I can’t picture a younger version of her, struggling to accept that part of herself._

_“Mon amour.”_

_“You know, my mom always told me that I shouldn’t apologize for my heart and my dad kept repeating himself every day. He still does every time I visit them.”_

_“What does he say?”_

_“Your sexuality is not the most interesting thing about you Cosima,” she chuckled, lowering her voice to impersonate her father..._

My body jolted awake for no particular reason at all. I wanted to relax for a while, but when I glanced at my phone, I jumped out of bed, almost tripping over my own shoes. It’s 9.30 already! _Merde_! I didn’t have time for a shower, because we’re expected in the lobby at 10 to go to the univeristy for a meeting. Cosima had called me twice this morning, Dan tried at least four times to contact me, but I slept right through it all.

I pulled on a formal dress and heels, grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and hurried downstairs, carrying my makeup bag in my other hand. I seriously hope it’s not a bumpy road, because otherwise… me with a Rachel-eye will become a true story.

“Delphine!” Dan said and I could make out the relief in his voice when he spotted me. “We didn’t think you would make it.”

“I’m so sorry,” I apologized, feeling guilty about oversleeping during a trip like this.

“It’s okay. The bus leaves in fifteen minutes, you’re still on time,” he smiled, handing me a croissant. “I managed to put this behind my back at breakfast this morning. Don’t tell Eric, he’s still hungry.”

“ _Merci_ Dan.”

My eyes scanned the lobby and I could feel my hearbeat quicken when I spotted everyone… except Cosima. _Relax Delphine_ , I told myself _. She’s probably in the restroom_.

“Gavin,” I whispered, pulling on his sleeve. “Where is Cosima?”

“Oh hi Delphine. I’m afraid she’s not coming with us today.”

“What? Why?” I said confused. “She’s still asleep?”

“Nope, she was at the restaurant during breakfast.”

“I don’t understand?”

“Delphine?” he whispered, averting his eyes from me.

“ _Oui?_ ”

“Cosima had a seizure this morning.”


	6. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This chapter isn't as long as the previous ones unfortunately. There are some awkward details in this one too :)
> 
> Anyway, I have this annoying feeling that this story has too many sexy scenes and I don't want to give the impression that I'm some kind of perv lol, so please tell me if the amount of sexual things in this story is bothering you. I just think that there's a huge physical attraction between those two scientists, especially in the beginning and after seven years. But maybe it's just my insecurity that's kicking in haha. Okay, have a good weekend!
> 
> PS: I know nothing about seizures, so I'm sorry for any mistakes.

203…204…205…

My heart is beating so furiously that I am scared I am having a heart attack. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down as bile crept up my troath. I did my best to fight the urge to gag while flashes from the past flooded my brain. Cosima lying on the floor, her lips stained with blood, her body jerking and convulsing, her eyes staring into nothingness, while a frightening gurgling sound echoed through the lab.

Gavin assured me that there wasn’t any blood and that Cosima was fine, that he had brought her to her room once the seizure was over, but I needed to check on her, I wanted to see for myself that she was alive and okay, so I guess he just gave me the key card to her hotel room to get rid of me. I can’t believe no one has volunteered to skip the excursions today to take care of her.

206…207…208…

My hands were shaking with anger and disbelieve by the time I reached room 211.

“Cosima?” I said, knocking on her door.

No response.

“Cosima?” I tried again, a little louder this time.

Silence.

I don’t want to invade her privacy, but the lack of a response makes me worry even more. What if she’s having another seizure? What if she’s slowly dying in that room and can’t answer me? I held Cosima’s key card in front of the sensor and slowly openend the door when I heard the familiar clicking sound.

“Cosima,” I whispered quietly, not wanting to wake her up if she’s asleep. I tiptoed past the bathroom and let out a breath of relief when I spotted her on the bed. She was lying on her back, on top of the sheets, staring up to the ceiling and still clad in her outfit for today. Did Gavin seriously leave her like this?

“Go away,” she said in a monotone voice, not moving at all.

“Gavin told me what happened at breakfast. How are you feeling?” I asked sweetly as I sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Just go Delphine,” she tried again and I could clearly make out the exhaustion and humiliation in her voice.

“I have nowhere to be Cosima, the group already left.”

“Well, go explore the city on your own then. I really don’t want you here.”

She closed her eyes and I let my eyes travel over her form. The top three buttons of her coral colored blouse were undone and the shoelaces of her ankle boots were untied. Maybe she was in the middle of undressing herself when I entered her room.

“Were you asleep when I came in?” I asked, ignoring her stubbornness. I know she’s embarrassed about what happened in the hotel’s restaurant this morning… that’s why she’s acting so snarky.

“Why do you keep asking questions?”

“Because I’m worried about you Cosima.”

Her features softened visibly when she finally locked her eyes on mine.

“I’ve been worse Delphine,” she smiled. “Don’t worry.”

“Okay,” I nodded, avoiding an argument.“You can’t be comfortable like this,” I continued, pointing to her fully clothed body.”

“No that’s correct, but I’m struggling to take off my clothes.”

“Because you’re tired?”

“Yes, and because my arms are always weak after a seizure.”

“Do you need help?” I asked as casually as I could, mentally preparing myself for a rejection.

She took her bottom lip between her teeth and nodded as she tried to push herself up on her elbows. I raised my eyebrows in surprise. The fact that she allows me to help her is a little worrisome.

“No shhh,” I cooed, placing my hands on her shoulders to push her back down. “Just relax.”

She let out a deep breath as her body sank a little deeper into the mattress and my heart filled itself with pure love when that steady breathing reached my ears. I smiled at her as I took off her heels and socks.

“What do you want to wear? Your purple yoga pants?”

I unbuttoned her printed pants and Cosima raised her hips off the mattress, making it a little easier for me to take them off.

“No, just the tank I’m wearing right now.”

“Sure,” I smiled, unbuttoning her blouse before I carefully lifted her torso and pushed the garment off her shoulders. My hands slipped under her armpits and I pulled her up in one swift movement, before I somehow managed to toss the sheets aside.

“Delphine,” she laughed. “There is nothing wrong with my legs. You could’ve just asked me to get off the bed.”

“Oh,” I chuckled sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“No, no it feels nice, being this close to you.”

“Well, maybe we should snuggle up in bed? What do you say?”

“Yeah,” she beamed, a wide smile spreading across her face. “Yeah, I think I’ll like that. You can borrow one of my shirts and pants if you want to get comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, your dress is gorgeous, but cuddling in it will ruin the fabric for sure.”

I walked around the bed, took off my heels and grabbed her purple yoga pants and t-shirt from her suitcase. Cosima’s clothes are a little too short for me, but they’re definitely more comfortable than my own dress.  A familiar lavender smell filled my nostrils and I had to suppress the urge to bring the fabric up to my nose and inhale her scent.

“Why don’t you lie down?” I asked curiously when I noticed that Cosima was still standing in the same spot.

“Eh,” she said, looking down at her feet as a faint blush appeared on her cheeks. “I uhm…”

“Yes?” I urged when I realized she wasn’t going to finish her sentence.

“Nothing, never mind.”

“Cosima, you can tell me. What is it?”

“Delphine?”

“Yes?”

“I have to pee.”

“Okay,” I nodded, looking her up and down. The blush on her face grew more pronounced as she awkwardly stared up to the ceiling.

“Oh,” I said, finally understanding her shyness. “Do you need help?”

“No, no, no, never mind,” she stammered, turning around before she shuffled into the bathroom.

“Cosima?” I called, following her.

She didn’t respond and I slowly opened the door. She was standing in front of the toilet, trying to pull her blue panties down without success.

“Come here,” I whispered, walking up to her. “Come here.”

She slumped her shoulders in defeat and I gently kissed her on the cheek before I rolled her panties down her hips. She sat down on the toilet and I didn’t know what to do when she began to cry.

“Cosima, it’s okay,” I cooed as I lowered myself to the floor, kneeling in front of her before I reached out to stroke her bare thigh.

“No, it’s not. I don’t want this.”

“What do you mean?”

“This patient-doctor thing. It’s so wrong.”

“That’s not what this is. I’m not going to take a sample or run some test,” I snickered, trying to lighten the mood. “Your arms and fingers are paralyzed Cosima. I’m just going to help you until they regain their strength and besides, I’ve already seen your urine remember? No big deal.”

“It’s still humiliating,” she smiled through her tears as I cupped her face in my hands, brushing the tears away.

“I’ve seen worse. Don’t worry. Especially, when I was in Sardinia and had to collect stool samples from centenarians,” I grimaced.

“And they say science isn’t glamorous,” she giggled, flashing me her canines.

My lips peppered her thigh with kisses, while she finished peeing, closing her eyes as the slight blush reappeared on her cheeks.

“I’m done.”

“Okay,” I smiled, reaching for the toiletpaper. “Can you wipe yourself?”

She shook her head, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. “You’re making this worse.”

“Do you remember that one time when we were in Felix’s bed and you went down on me, had a coughing fit and suddenly, my pussy, thighs and the sheets were covered in blood?” I smiled, tearing off a few sheets of toilet paper from the roll. “That was way worse than this.”

Her eyes widened at the memory before she burst out laughing.

“Oh my God, that was so embarrassing. We even made up some story and told Felix that you started your period during the night. He disliked you even more after that incident.”

“ _That_ was embarrassing Cosima, this is not. You scared the shit out of me by the way,” I giggled, shaking my head. “I thought you were going to die on me with your head between my legs.”

“Hmm. I would have loved to die like that. That’s epic,” she chuckled, pushing her tongue through her teeth as I gently nudged her legs apart, wiping her quickly. I mentally patted myself on the back for the effective distraction and stood up to flush the toilet.

“I don’t think the police would have believed me.”

“Probably not,” she shook her head and stood up, allowing me to pull her panties over her hips.

“Let’s get you into bed geek monkey,”  I teased, squeezing the back of her neck. “You must be exhausted.”

“I am.”

We crawled into the huge kingsize bed and Cosima let out a soft moan as the weight of the blankets covered her small body. She closed her eyes, exhaled a deep breath and I automatically curled my fingers around her upper arm, pulling her towards me. A satisfied smile formed on my face when I felt her snuggle into my side, her breath tickling the hollow of my throat.

“Are you in pain?” I asked before my lips pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“My head hurts.”

“I can get you some painkillers?”

“No, Gavin already made me swallow a few of those.”

“I can’t believe he left you like this Cosima. You’re clearly not okay.”

“Uhm…,” she started as I brushed my thumb over her ear. “I kicked him out. I don’t want his help.”

“Yes, I understand,” I nodded and a shiver ran down my spine as I imagined my sister’s husband undressing me and helping me in the bathroom. _Mon Dieu_. _Non._

“What happens when you’re home and you’ve got a seizure?”

“I’ll just wait until my arms or legs start working again, then I’ll sleep for a few hours until I’m as good as new,” she smiled broadly.

“ _Mon Dieu_. You’re on the floor until you can get up?”

“Yes,” she shrugged. “There aren’t a lot of options.”

My heart clenched in pain and I instinctively pulled her closer into my embrace, kissing her temple.

“I’ll move in with you, so I can take care of you,” I whispered, screwing my eyes shut as the image of an utterly helpless Cosima, lying on the floor, invaded my mind. Her body tensed up against me and I immediately knew I shouldn’t have said that.

“No, you’re not. I can take care of myself Delphine. I’m having seizures for at least seven years now.”

“Sorry,” I apologized, squeezing her upper arm affectionately. “I know. I know. Does it happen often?”

“No,” she sighed. ‘Once a month? I don’t know to be honest, but definitely not every week.”

“That’s good.”

“Yes, I just think I overdid it a bit last night, like… partying until the early hours of the morning and feeling way too excited to visit those museums today. Too many triggers.”

I let my lips brush over her nose, making her giggle. The sound of it warmed my heart in a very pleasant way. My fingers found their way under her tank top and began to stroke the small of her back.

“This feels so nice,” she sighed, pressing a kiss against my sternum. “You smell good.”

“Hmm,” I hummed my agreement. Cosima’s breathing and body weight became heavier after a few silent minutes, and when I was sure she was fast asleep, I grabbed my phone to order room service. I don’t know for how long Cosima will be out, but she must be hungry when she wakes up.

She made a soft humming sound and rolled onto her back, knitting her brows together and smacking her lips. I wonder what she’s dreaming about. Her dreams used to be very intense and vived with a mind like that, so curious and always absorbing knowledge. I guess it’s yet another thing that hasn’t changed.

“No,” she murmured, kicking the sheets off our bodies. I chuckled softly, stroking her belly, even in her sleep her body is restless. I’ve had a few sleepless nights when we were together, especially in the beginning, but I got used to it. My eyes traveled over her sleeping form and quickly fell on the scar on her abdomen. I reached out and let my fingertip trace over the healed skin.

“ _Pauvre petit chiot_ ,” I whispered, wondering if the removal of her ovaries had also activated an early menopause. God, I can’t imagine going through menopause at this age. My fingers traveled a few inches lower, fumbling with the elastic band of her panties, before I curled them around her hipbone. Her hips are definitely wider and I don’t know why, but the femininity of such a minimal change in the shape of her body, made me feel incredibly warm inside.

I pulled the covers over our bodies once again and rolled Cosima onto her side, holding her while she gave her brilliant, but very exhausted, brain a much needed rest.

* * *

 

I’ve been staring at her for at least fifteen minutes, transfixed by her beauty, until my body became restless, begging for nicotine. I left the bed, slipped my feet into my heels and chuckled at my look when I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. A tall body, clad in an outfit that was way too short for its height and classy heels that didn’t match Cosima’s purple clothes at all. I put on my coat, picked up my phone from the nightstand and looked at the screen. Two messages… one from my sister and one from… Ed. 

Ed…

_Merde._

I looked at a sleeping Cosima, before I shifted my eyes back to the screen and opened his text.

**From:** Ed  
_Delphine, are you in town this weekend? Maybe we should talk about this and visit a therapist? I really wanna fight for what we have. I’ve talked to Frank about what happened and realized that it’s not fair you know… asking you to book a hotel for a while, when I can stay at his place. So… you can stay in the apartment, until we’ve worked this out. I’m still mad at you, but I love you like crazy._

My knees began to shake and I had to grab the chair for support before my legs would give way. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart as a familiar image of a heartbroken Cosima popped up in my mind, the feeling of hurt evident in her face. I can’t do this to her, she doesn’t deserve this after everything we’ve been through. It feels as if two different worlds are slowly melting together, the past collides with the present, something Cosima wanted to avoid so badly. But it’s happening, to both of us, and I don’t know how to separate those worlds again without hurting one of the two people I care about most. I mean, I love Ed, he helped me heal, was there for me when I was at my loneliest. He gave me my life back, but Cosima… Cosima is my soulmate, my heart belongs to her.

A feeling of guilt unfolded in the pit of my stomach when she made a soft whimpering sound in her sleep. I’m disgusted with myself for what I’m doing to them and for not realizing it sooner. Cosima told me she didn’t want another relationship after Shay broke up with her, because she developed some serious trust issues… that her heart is bruised. She has made it pretty clear that she feels different now, that she’s willing to open her heart and figure out her feelings for me. I really need to make a decision, this can’t go on like this, neither deserves the way I’m treating them… but I’m scared, so scared to lose everything… again.

I took off my coat, feeling too nauseous to go outside for a smoke, and replied to Ed’s message.

**To** : Ed  
_I agree Ed, we really need to talk. Hope you’re okay. X_

* * *

 

I managed to calm myself down and push back the unbearable feeling of guilt in my heart, after I decided that I’m going to enjoy these days and deal with my problems later. Ed vanished from my mind, the second I crawled back into bed, craving Cosima’s warmth, her presence, her smell. This is what I want for the rest of my life, lying next to her while she sleeps and snuggles into my embrace.

I’ve answered a few emails, searched the internet for information about postictal weakness, and texted Vivienne during the past two hours, while Cosima slept in my arms, rolled away from me, curled herself into my side, and rolled away from me again. She looks so peacuful, sleeping on her stomach, her arms resting on either side of the pillow and her face completely relaxed. I reached out to lace my fingers through hers, but immediately regretted the action when her eyes fluttered open. She locked them on mine and I gave her a sweet smile as she let out a soft moan.

“Hi sleepyhead,” I whispered, brushing the back of my hand over her warm cheek.

“Hmm.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Better,” she answered, her voice thick with sleep, while she rubbed her eyes.

She looks so much better, more awake, and there is finally some color in her cheeks. She sat up, resting her back against the headboard, and a wave of relief washed over me when I realized that her arms had regained their strength.

“But everything hurts,” she added, stretching her arms above her head as she let out a yawn.

“Your arms?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, pushing her glasses back onto her face. “And my back and legs. I think it’s because of the convulsions.”

“Well, don’t worry okay? We don’t have to go anywhere.”

A knock on the door made me jump out of bed, disappearing from Cosima’s view.

“Delphine?” she said, and I noticed the confusion in her voice. “Who’s that?”

I shuffled back into the room, carrying a tray in my hands.

“Your lunch. Hope you’re hungry.”

I positioned the tray over her lap and poured her a glass of orange juice as Cosima took a grape between her fingers and brought it up to her mouth.

“Is that a club sandwich?” she asked rhetorically, pointing at the bread and chips.

_“Oui.”_

She wasted no time and picked it up, took a bite and moaned at the taste.

“This is so good,” she mumbled with her mouth full, gesturing with her free hand. “Thank you babe.”

My body froze at the spot when the term of endearment left her lips. Cosima didn’t seem to notice anything and I quickly composed myself. I crawled in next to her, relaxing against the headboard while I occasionally sipped my tea and chewed on a piece of fruit.

 “Shit.”

“What is it?”

“I just realized that there’s only one sandwich Delphine.”

“ _Non, non._ Don’t worry. It’s all for you,” I smiled, placing my hand on her belly, rubbing it affectionately. “I’m not hungry.”

She shrugged her shoulders and took another bite of her lunch. I’ve seen her eat her food several times now, and her appetite is so much better… so normal and healthy.

“Can we go out for coffee later? I’m feeling a lot better and I don’t want to lie in bed all day.”

“Sure,” I nodded, squeezing her knee through the blankets. “Whatever you want.”

She took a sip of her orange juice, scratched her arm and stroked the back of my hand with her thumb while she sank her teeth into a salty chip.

“Can I have this?” I asked, pointing at a piece of watermelon.

“Yeah, of course. You don’t have to ask.”

“Delphine,” she giggled after a minute. “The juice is trickling down your chin. Come here.”

She placed her hand on the back of my neck, pulling me towards her, before she slowly dragged her tongue over my chin, licking the juice off my face. Her lips kissed their way up to my mouth, kissing it softly before her tongue darted out again, encouraging me to part my lips. I was a little startled by her unexpected action, but opened my mouth for her when she cupped my jaw in her hand.

A low moan escaped Cosima’s throat as I swirled my tongue around hers, caressing it gently for a few minutes, while she crawled on top of me, straddling my hips.

“Hmm,” she moaned, kissing my lips briefly after she pulled away. “That was a good one.”

“ _Oui_ ,” I agreed as butterflies erupted in my stomach.

“God, the muscles in my back are killing me and my legs feel really tired. I can’t remember anything, but I guess they’ve had a serious workout during the episode,” she chuckled, rubbing my arms with her palms.

I took the hem of her tank top between my fingers, lifting it up to expose her belly and ribs. “Arms up.”

She looked at me quizzically, but slowly obliged, allowing me to take the garment off.

“You’re so sexy” I complimented, my eyes roaming over her torso, her full breasts were spilling over the cups and I yearned to take them into my hands… my mouth… and feel them against mine. Cosima’s fingers tugged on my shirt, trying to take it off as well.

“No,” I smiled, touching her wrists.

“No?”

“Lie down,” I patted the mattress and Cosima crawled off my lap, moving to lie beside me.

“Turn around.”

“Why?” she asked nervously, rolling herself onto her stomach.

“Are you comfortable?”

“Yes.”

I positioned myself on top of her, sitting down on her butt before I carefully moved my hands in slow circles over her back.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, closing her eyes as she relaxed under my hands.

“Tell me if I’m getting too heavy okay?”

She merely nodded and placed her glasses on my pillow as I pressed my thumbs into the dimples above her butt. I let my fingers ran over her skin, rubbing her back with a light pressure to warm up her muscles and help her relax a bit more. The muscles grew warm under my palms and I began to dig my fingertips into the tissue, making Cosima groan in response.

“Painful?”

She snorted at my question and took her bottom lip between her teeth.

“No,” she whispered, reaching back to squeeze my thigh. “It feels… good.”

I smiled knowingly while my hands wandered to her bra clasp, pulling it away from her skin.

“May I?”

“Yes.”

I unhooked her bra and continued the tender ministrations along the length of her spine before I curled my fingers around her shoulders, applying pressure with my thumbs. I kept massaging her back and shoulders for at least thirty minutes, until I shifted my attention to her legs. I started at her ankles, gently caressing the skin, before I dragged my hands up to her calves, kneading the strong muscles between my fingers. Her body suddenly jerked when I brushed my fingertips over the back of her knees, making me laugh quietly.

“Sensitive?”

“Yeah.”

My hands traveled up to her thighs, squeezing the tissue firmly, before I pressed my mouth to a tiny birthmark I spotted there. Cosima sucked in a breath and squeezed her cheeks together when my warm lips came in contact with her skin.

“Holy shit.”

Her reaction spurred me on and I sank my teeth into the flesh, biting softly, before I kissed another birthmark on her lower back, brushing my nose over her panties as I curled my fingers around her hips. Cosima’s breathing changed noticeably, long deep breaths turned into soft quiet pants while I kissed my way up the length of her spine, gliding my hands over her sides as I covered her body with my own. I moved my hands up to her breasts and she instinctively pushed herself up on her forearms, making it easier for me to touch them. I wiggled my fingers between the mattress and her torso, slipping them under her unhooked bra before I took the full mounds into my hands. Hardened peaks grazed against the skin of my palms and I allowed myself to get lost in the feeling as Cosima threw her head back and moaned at the contact. The texture of her dreads tickled my cheek, making me shiver in pleasure, before I gently squeezed the flesh, nipping at her throat. She whimpered my name and I sucked her earlobe into my mouth in response.

I can’t even put into words how good this feels, the feeling of a woman’s body. It’s been seven years since I felt those soft warm curves in my hands… Cosima’s curves. I can’t see her breasts in this position, but they feel different than I remember, fuller, heavier and her nipples are slightly bigger, but still so, so familiar. I took both peaks between my thumbs and forefingers, pinching gently, before I lightly tugged on them. The soft moan that escaped her mouth made my body shiver again.

“You still like that eh?” I whispered in her ear, brushing my thumbs over the buds before I took the weight of her breasts into my palms, massaging them softly.

“Yes,” she nodded as I noticed a furious flush creeping up her throat.

Her arms suddenly began to shake, probably still a little weak due to the seizure and the weight of our torsos resting on them. I moved my hands reluctantly, placing the right one between her shoulder blades, adding a little pressure against her skin.

“Lie down,” I encouraged sweetly, fastening her bra.

“I feel so relaxed,” she sighed as I positioned myself beside her.

“That’s good,” I smiled, cupping her jaw. “Still wanna go out for coffee?”

She nodded and studied my face for a second, before she opened her mouth to speak.

“Your touch is magical Delphine…it’s so healing,” she whispered, her voice shaking with emotion as she placed a hand over her heart, crushing mine when the meaning behind her words began to sink in. I don’t think she will ever admit it, but leaving her all those years ago… it broke her heart into a million pieces and maybe… this whole process of reconnecting finally fills the deepest cracks in her soul. I could feel my own heart clench in pain when I looked into her eyes, those magnificent brown eyes that were staring back at me with nothing but pure love and adoration, and maybe…. maybe she isn’t the only one whose heart needed healing.


	7. Wife

Tiny flakes of snow were falling from the sky while I strolled along the sidewalk, absentmindedly glancing in the store windows as Cosima walked beside me. We had left the hotel two hours ago to explore the city and find a place to grab a coffee, but Cosima’s eyes fell on a cute French _pâtisserie_ the second we walked around the corner. It was hidden in a narrow side street and she insisted on going inside, changing our plans drastically. The old lady that owned the store made us try so many different bonbons that we’re both feeling a little queasy now. I’ve bought a box of Parisian macarons to bring home with me, but I don’t think those pastries will make it to Toronto. Cosima and I already ate two of them since we left the small bakery. Macarons remind me of my childhood, my father always brought them home when he came back from his monthly business trip to Paris. I can still picture the design of the small box. A white ballotin with golden letters and a pink ribbon.

“No, I’m fine. Delphine took care of me this morning” Cosima told her sister over the phone. “No, no, not like that, jeez Sarah, will you stop please? Just lunch in bed okay? We’re out for coffee now.”

I spotted a trendy coffee shop on the corner of the street and led us towards the small building. My body was screaming for a shot of caffeine after spending so much time in a bakery.

“Don’t worry sweetheart,” Cosima said, stepping inside the coffee shop when I opened the door for her. “Love you too. Bye.”

She put her phone in her purse and took off her knitted gloves as she followed me towards a table at the window.

“I’m so sorry Delphine, but Sarah… she’s just so worried about me. I guess Gavin told her about the seizure.”

“No, it’s fine,” I said, slipping my coat off my shoulders before I sat down on the comfortable chair. She gave me a sweet smile and reached out to play with my fingers, tickling the sensitive tops.

A dark-haired waiter appeared out of nowhere, marching into our direction while he cleared his throat. He didn’t seem to pay attention to our public display of affection.

“Hi ladies, what can I get you?” the young man asked, shifting his eyes between us. I ordered a café au lait after Cosima had ordered herself a cappuccino.

“I really like spending time with you Delphine,” she whispered, staring at our intertwined fingers as the waiter turned around and walked away. “I’m able to fully enjoy it now that we don’t have to look over our shoulder all the time.”

“Me too Cosima.”

“Am I… I mean like…” she started, obviously hesitating to finish her question. She raised her head and looked at me, wearing a serious expression on her face. “Am I allowed to kiss you in public or is that something only couples do?”

I swallowed thickly and forced myself to stop thinking about Ed. Cosima looked at me expectantly, her tongue darting out to lick her lips as her fingers slipped under my sleeve, caressing the warm skin of my wrist.

“I don’t think there are any general rules for kissing.”

A wide smile spread across her face before she leaned over the table, cupping my face in her hands. I sucked in a breath as she pressed her mouth against mine, kissing it sofltly. We shared a few wet open-mouthed kisses, but quickly pulled apart when a couple with a young child and a baby entered the coffee shop and took place at the table next to us.

“Delphine?”

“Yes?”

“Are you nervous?”

“No?” I lied, feeling a little uneasy about kissing Cosima while I still needed to talk to Ed… for keeping such a crucial aspect of my life from her.

“Okay,” she shrugged. “Am I moving too fast?”

“Non. Don’t worry about that.”

“But you’re acting different since I woke up. Is everything allright?”

“Yeah,” I nodded vigorously, my hazel eyes wide. “I’m fine.”

Cosima opened her mouth again to interrogate me further, but was cut off when the waiter walked up to us and placed our hot drinks on the table.

“Here you go ladies.”

“Thank you,” Cosima smiled, curling her fingers around the steaming cup. We enjoyed each other’s company and sipped our coffee in silence for a few minutes, until a deafening scream filled the entire coffee shop.

“Holy shit,” Cosima gasped. The man sitting next to her touched her shoulder lightly, giving her an apologetic look as the women jumped out of her chair and lifted their baby out of the stroller.

“I’m sorry. He slept the whole morning, I guess he must be hungry by now,” he apologized. “And it makes him cranky. He got that from his mom.”

“Oh no, no, it’s fine. I just wasn’t prepared for a screaming baby,” she chuckled, glancing at the mother who was trying her best to calm the squirming infant.

“Yeah, he’s very vocal,” the father laughed, standing up to fetch the baby’s bottle.

Cosima gave him an understanding nod and focused her attention on me again. She laced her fingers through mine, stroking my thumb with hers.

“Delphine, I was thinking,” she started, squeezing my fingers. “It’s Valentine’s Day next Saturday and you know how much I dislike the commercialisation of love, but maybe we can go out for dinner… like an official first date?”

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth when I noticed the light blush that colored her cheeks. Next weekend… I’m sure I’m single by then. _Mon Dieu! What am I thinking?_

“I remember you saying something like… not wanting to go on dates?” I teased, winking at her.

“I’m willing to make an exception for you professor Cormier.”

I let out a hard laugh and glanced at the couple next to us. The baby was still screaming his head off and the mother was taking out her frustration on her husband at this point. Cosima followed my gaze and smiled at the little girl who was staring right back at her. The girl hopped off her chair and sat down in her father’s seat, never breaking eye contact with my lover.

“So? We’re going on a real date?” I asked, ignoring the little girl’s intense stare.

“Yes,” Cosima nodded, bringing the palm of my hand to her mouth, kissing it softly. “Maybe you can come to my place beforehand. I wanna show you my house, my safe haven.”

“I would love to see it, but you’ll have to promise me that you’re gonna clean up the mess first. I’m not looking forward to a trip to the hospital because I accidentally tripped over a pile of books.”

“Ow! That’s mean,” she laughed, pulling her hand away.

I leaned over the table and parted my lips, encouraging her to close the gap between us. She didn’t need any words and immediately understood what I was asking her to do. She shifted forward and pressed her lips against mine in a long kiss, pushing a blonde curl behind my ear as I curled my fingers around her wrists. My primal brain was screaming at me to add some passion into it, to deepen the kiss, but I quickly pulled back, not wanting to express myself so intimately in public. I opened my eyes as soft giggle filled my ears, and almost gasped in shock when I saw the little blonde girl standing beside our table, her arms resting on the wooden surface and her eyes full of curiosity.

“ _Merde_ ,” I whispered, covering my mouth with my hand.

“Oh hello,” Cosima smiled, looking unaffected by the little intruder that just interrupted our kiss and destroyed our bubble. I glanced at her parents and wondered why they had allowed her to walk up to us, but quickly got my answer when I saw her father on his mobile phone and her mother feeding her baby brother, her eyes glued to her newborn.

“You kissed her,” the girl giggled, pointing her little finger at me as she kept her green eyes locked on Cosima.

“Yes, I did,” Cosima confirmed and her eyes softened as the girl reached out to touch her forearm.

“Are you in love?”

“Yeah,” she chuckled. “Yes, I am.”

“My mom and dad kissed in the car this morning.”

“They did?”

“Yes,” she nodded, taking Cosima’s hand. “You’ve got so many rings.”

Cosima let out another chuckle and began to stroke the little girl’s hand.

“You like them?”

“Yes.”

The child suddenly crawled onto Cosima’s lap before Cosima could stop her, and I instinctively stood up to safe my lover, but leaned back in my seat when I noticed the bright smile on Cosima’s face. The girl asked her about her nose ring and touched it carefully, before she made a comment about her dreads. I intently watched the scene in front of me and realized that it scared me a bit. Cosima looks so comfortable, smiling at the girl, her eyes incredibly soft and warm. The look on her face reminded me of that one particular look only a loving mother could give, and it was so surreal to me that I felt the urge to stand up and walk away. I’m not sure what scares me the most, the fact that I’ve never seen my mother look at me like that… or seeing Cosima, the woman I’m in love with, interact with a child in such a motherly way… so patient and sweet. She’s always been very protective of her niece and younger clone, but this looks different and it gives me a whole different vibe, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Oh no Lily!” the father interrupted my thoughts as he stood up from his chair, pulling his daughter from Cosima’s lap. “I’m so sorry. She’s constantly demanding attention from other women since her brother joined our family. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry,” Cosima said sweetly. “She’s such a sweetheart.”

The father smiled at her and gave his daughter a few crayons and a piece of paper, distracting her from my lover’s presence.

“You’re a natural Cosima,” I said, taking a sip of my coffee.

“Hmm,” she hummed. “Thank you.”

“I thought you didn’t have any maternal feelings? This definitely proved otherwise”

It wasn’t an accusation, but it certainly sounded like one. Cosima’s eyes bored into mine, trying to figure out the meaning behind my words.

“Well, I already told you that a lot has changed didn’t I?  Let’s just say that I’ve developed some new feelings over the past seven years and that it gave me a whole different perspective on life okay? I think I’ve always had these maternal feelings, but I strongly believe that they were hidden somewhere deep inside me. I was just too scared you know. Babies are so fragile, you could hurt them easily.”

“ _Oui_ ,” I nodded. “You’ve always had a big heart and you’re very nurturing and loving Cosima. I’m not surprised that you were having those feelings all the time, but only realized it much later in life. You were always pretty good with Kira.”

“Exactly,” she whispered, averting her eyes from me as a light blush covered her cheeks. “You don’t experience those feelings?”

“Me? Oh non. Non. Absolutely not,” I laughed, pulling my hair up into a ponytail when my temperature begin to rise at the thought of me experiencing maternal feelings, nesting… the whole shebang.

“That doesn’t surprise me Delphine,” she said and I noticed a different tone in her voice as a look of worry spread across her face. “You looked uncomfortable while she sat in my lap.”

“I did?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m just not good with kids.”

“You don’t like them?”

“I like newborns, but older kids make me uncomfortable .”

“Why?”

“I… I ehm,” I stuttered as my heart began to race. “I think it’s a combination of the genes I inherited from my mom and the bullying during my childhood.”

Cosima shot her head up and locked her eyes on mine, giving me a reassuring smile as she began to trace her finger around the edge of her cup. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, but managed to smile back at her.

“You’ve mentioned your bullying past only once when we were together, but I still remember the day you told me.”

“It’s no big deal,” I said hastily, trying to brush it off.

“I think it’s a bigger deal than you want to admit to yourself Delphine. Not liking kids, because you were bullied in your childhood that’s… a pretty serious thing.”

“Maybe, but that’s not the only reason why I don’t like them. I’m convinced that it’s also because of my mother.”

“Can you tell me about it? The bullying I mean.”

“Non.” I said automatically, even before I could consider it.

“Just a little bit? I’m trying to understand Delphine. I want to get to know you.”

“You already know me Cosima,” I laughed, toying with my coffee spoon.

“I know your personality, your qualities, but I don’t know much about your childhood. I was so focused on myself during our relationship.”

“That’s okay,” I whispered, feeling a little emotional.

“No it’s not, but please tell me a bit about your past.”

“Okay, well, I was bullied in school and I still don’t know why exactly. Those kids always found some reason to justify their acts. It stopped when I went to university.”

I locked my eyes on hers and noticed that hers were a little watery. It made my heart swell with love, but it also made me feel weak and small. I don’t want her pity and I surely don’t want to be seen as a victim.

“That’s must have been tough.”

_“Oui.”_

“Did they…” she started tentatively. “Like… was it verbal or physical?”

“Both.”

“Oh my God,” she cried, covering her mouth with her hands. She screwed her eyes shut as tears started to roll down her cheeks.

“Cosima,” I sighed, touching her wrists. “Stop, please. It’s okay.”

“No, no it’s not okay. Bullying is never okay.”

“Of course it isn’t, but _I’m_ okay.”

“H..how old were you when it s…started?” she hiccuped, trying her best to control her emotions.

“I don’t remember exactly. Five… six?”

“Oh my God,” she cried again, snot dripping from her nose. “I can’t…”

“Cosima,” I whispered, startled by how much this seemed to affect her. “Let’s talk about something else okay? I don’t want to upset you further and we’re having such a great day, especially after what happened to you this morning. Let’s focus on the good things allright?”

“Okay,” she agreed, wiping her nose with the tissue I gave her. “But only if you promise me to tell me all of it bit by bit. I want to know you… all of you.”

“I promise,” I nodded, leaning over to kiss her cheek. “There is no reason to cry Cosima. Please stop.”

She managed to calm herself down and we began to talk about my sister, my father, about this trip and about going back to work next week, when suddenly, Cosima’s phone rang in her purse. She looked at the screen and raised her eyebrows.

“Can I take this Delphine? It’s my sister.”

“Yes of course.”

She accepted the call and greeted her sister happily. I ordered myself another café au lait and a latte macchiato for Cosima, while she talked to her clone.

“Yes, I totally get that you’re nervous, but I’m sure it will be fun,” she said, gliding her fingers over the table. “Well, I’ve got an idea that may actually help you figure it all out.”

I stared out of the window, watching the snow fall from the sky as I waited for my cup of coffee.

“You have the key to my house Charlie. Why don’t you and Sam go to my place after you went to the movies? Just go there instead of going back to Alison’s. I won’t be back until tomorrow, which means you’ll have the entire house to yourself tonight.”

Another couple entered the coffee shop, holding hands as they shuffled towards a table. I wonder when the others will be back at the hotel for dinner. It’s not like I’m hungry, but I want to hear their stories and see their silly pictures.

“Don’t be scared okay? Try to enjoy it honey, it’s such a natural thing. Take your time, but don’t avoid it and just come to me when you’ve got any questions later. Okay?”

I looked into her eyes, raising my eyebrows in curiosity. I wonder what they’re talking about.

“Okay sweetheart. Have fun tonight. I love you,” she said before she hung up the phone, chuckling lightly as she shook her head. I opened my mouth to ask her if everything was okay, but the waiter was standing next to our table, handing us our drinks.

“That was Charlotte,” she explained, even though that was pretty clear. “She’s going on a date with Sam tonight, but she’s so nervous. It’s freaking cute.”

“How old is she now?”

“She turned sixteen last September,” she answered, locking her eyes on mine as she nibbled on a cookie. “Sam is head over heels in love with my sister, but Charlotte isn’t sure if the feeling is mutual.”

“So…,” I whispered, eyes widening as the intension of Cosima’s suggestion started to sink in. “You encouraged your teenage sister to take Sam to your place, because your house is empty tonight?”

“I think I did,” she laughed, her eyes twinkling. “Come on Delphine, she’s sixteen. She’s allowed to experiment a little right? I just think it can help her figure out her feelings.”

“I’m not judging the offer Cosima, but she has her own room at Alison’s right?”

“Yeah, but Alison is a mother hen and seems to forget that Charlotte is her sister and not her daughter. I’m the one who gets Charlotte, gets where she’s going through right now and can stimulate her intellect. We’re so similar Delphine, and I’m convinced that Sarah and Alison don’t understand Charlotte’s feelings.”

“But do you really think that this a good idea?” I asked cautiously. “Doing this behind Alison’s back?”

“Well, this is important to me Delphine. I don’t care if Alison doesn’t agree. I want my sister to feel comfortable in her own skin.”

“But have you even met this boy? Is he trustworthy? Is he good to Charlotte?”

Cosima’s eyes widened and she suddenly burst out laughing. Is she mocking me for being worried? _Merde_.

“Delphine, you’re so cute. You don’t have to worry about boys being good to my sister okay?”

“Why?”

“Because Sam is a girl.”

“Oh,” I gasped, feeling a little stupid. “ _Mon Dieu_.”

“This surprises you? Come on Delphine, I thought you knew that some of the Ledas are into women.”

“Yes, of course. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I automatically assumed that she was going out with a boy, maybe because all the Ledas I know are dating a man except you.”

“It’s okay, I was just teasing you,” she giggled, caressing the back of my hand. “I seriously hope Charlotte has the guts to bring Sam to my place tonight. She’s very confused about her sexuality. She has never experienced any feelings for boys. I was just as confused when I was her age, but that all changed when I brought a girl home for the very first time. We fooled around a bit and made love later that night. Being physically intimate with a girl gave me all the answers I needed and I just hope it’s gonna be the same for Charlotte. It’s totally okay with me if she doesn’t like it and falls in love with a boy in the future, but I have this feeling that my sister is in love with Sam, she just needs to discover it herself.”

“You’re such a good sister,” I smiled, squeezing her hand. “Is Charlotte struggling with her sexuality? She knows that you’re gay too right?”

“Yes, yes of course she knows and she doesn’t care, but maybe it’s different when it’s personal don’t you think?”

“I guess you’re right.”

“God, why can’t she be like Sarah? Sarah didn’t care at all when she found out that she liked girls too. We’re all so different. I wish I could help her Delphine, give her all the answers and make her feel better, but she has to figure it out herself. I hope she doesn’t get depressed or insecure about this and that her friends will accept it when she comes out.”

“You’re worried about those things?”

“Yes,” she nodded, sipping her coffee. “She’s quite popular and she has great friends. I’m sure I’m worrying way too much.”

“I don’t think you have to worry when she still comes to you with questions and asks you for advice,” I said, giving her a sweet smile. “Are you the only person who knows?”

“Yes.”

The couple next to us stood up from their seats and put their baby in the stroller as the little girl ran towards Cosima, handing her a drawing.

“Oh that’s so sweet of you,” Cosima cooed, brushing her hand of the girl’s head. “Thank you so much.”

She looked at the paper and pointed at a stick figure with wild hair. “Is that me?”

The little girl nodded shyly, standing on her tiptoes as she pointed at the other figure in the drawing.

“And that’s your wife.”

“Oh that’s Delphine?,” Cosima asked, tracing her finger over a stick figure with yellow curls. “I can definitely see the similarities. Awesome.”

I snorted, but the little girl beamed with pride, waved at Cosima and turned around to take her father’s hand before the young family walked out of the coffee shop.

“Your wife eh?” I chuckled. “Now you’re moving too fast.”

“I’ve never called you my wife,” she laughed, raising an eyebrow at me. “Let’s go back to the hotel okay? I guess the others will be back by now. I’m gonna pay for our drinks.”

She stood up from her seat and walked over the the counter as I slipped my arms into the sleeves of my coat, ready to go outside and spend some more time with her.

* * *

 

The sun was going down by the time we walked out of the coffee shop. We strolled past a few stores, but neither of us felt the desire to go inside. I was lost in thought, thinking about a particular day in February of the previous winter. It was a quiet Sunday morning, Ed and I were sprawled out on the bed, postcoital and catching our breaths after a few rounds of intense lovemaking, when he began to talk about marriage. It came completely out of the blue and it scared the shit out of me. I don’t remember exactly what my reaction was, but he never brought it up again.

It wasn’t the first time that a boyfriend brought up the topic of marriage. The first time it happened was during my first year at university. I was dating Pierre at the time, a handsome guy who liked to buy me gifts and took me to different cities across Europe, he proposed to me in Rome, but I refused and that was the end of our relationship. Then there was James, an exchange student from London, who began to talk about marriage and five kids within the first month of dating, so I quickly broke up with him once Étienne became interested in me. Étienne and I were together for years, lived together and were very much in love. He wanted to get married eventually, but I was too much of a workaholic and worked for the DYAD at the time. Étienne and I grew apart, he was going on dates with a Parisian woman and I was already planning on moving to Minnesota to monitor a clone, so we ended our relationship. The only one who I ever dated and had never brought up a romantic wedding was Cosima. It’s funny actually, because she’s the only person in the world who can propose to me without scaring me. Images of Cosima and I in wedding dresses, on a beach in California, entered my mind as Cosima suddenly called my name, bringing me back to the present.

I glanced over my shoulder and noticed that she was standing a few metres behind me, her finger pressed against the window of a jewelry store.

“Look,” she beamed, tapping her finger against the glass.

I shuffled towards her, a smile forming on my face as I took in her excited expression.

“That’s the hanger Sarah gave me on the morning of my parents’ funeral. It’s completely identical to the one I lost,” she exclaimed as tears welled up in her eyes. “My mom’s initial. Do you remember?”

“ _Oui_ , of course I remember.”

There’s no way I could ever forget the moment we shared in that Italian restaurant. I can still visualize the look on her face when she told me what happened to her parents.

“Let’s go inside,” I said, taking her hand before I dragged her into the jewelry store. The owner of the store handed Cosima the little silver hanger and started her very well-practised speech to sell it to her, which annoyed me immensely, but Cosima didn’t seem to listen at all. Her eyes were focused on the silver hanger that lay in her palm. Her bottom lip began to tremble as she traced her thumb over its shape and I immediately knew she was going to cry. I curled my fingers around the back of her neck, squeezing it affectionately, trying to offer her some emotional support, but the loving gesture only caused the opposite effect and tears began to roll down her cheeks.

“Cosima,” I whispered. “It’s okay.”

She let out a heartbreaking sob and I instinctively pulled her against my chest, covering the side of her face with my hand, trying to shield her tears from the saleswoman. This was way too vulnerable and personal for her to see. Cosima dug her nails into the back of my hand, allowing herself to cry.

“Is she okay?”

“Non,” I barked, angry at her for upsetting my lover, even though she didn’t do anything wrong.

“Y..yes,” Cosima stuttered, stepping to the side while she wiped the tears from her face. “I’m so sorry. This is so embarrassing, but my parents passed away a few years ago. It was all very sudden.”

She unbuttoned her coat and showed the saleswoman the silver ‘G’ that hung from her necklace. I glanced at the woman’s name tag… Margareth. Yeah, she definitely looks like a Margareth.

“This is my father’s initial, but I lost my mom’s.”

“I am so sorry to hear that, but isn’t this amazing at the same time? Maybe it’s a sign?”

I managed to suppress a snort, when I suddenly realized that Cosima actually believes in that stuff. I don’t really care about Margareth, but I want to respect Cosima’s beliefs, her version of a near death experience. Mine was pretty simple, I got shot and within ten seconds, everything went black. I don’t know why her experience was so different from mine, maybe because she was prepared and I wasn’t? Because she was relaxed when it happened? Or because she was expecting it for a while? Maybe hers was different because she had already accepted death before it actually happened? I really don’t have an explanation for it, but I chose to believe her, even though I didn’t experience it myself when I was bleeding to death. I wonder what Vivienne saw when she attempted to kill herself.

“Maybe it is,” Cosima sniffled, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “How much is it?”

“129 dollars and 98 cents.”

“Oh my God,” Cosima gasped and quickly handed the hanger back to Margareth. “Okay thank you. I’ll think about it.”

“No,” I said hurriedly. “We’ll take it.”

Cosima looked at me with wide eyes, parting her lips, but nothing came out.

“Great! You’re so lucky to have a friend like this,” she told Cosima, walking over to the counter to cash my 129 dollars and 98 fucking cents.

“Oh non. She’s my wife,” I joked, winking at Cosima.

Cosima gave me a weak smile and a slight blush covered her cheeks while I paid for the silver hanger.

“Oh isn’t that wonderful,” she chirped.

“Yes, yes it is,” Cosima smiled, shaking her head in disbelief.

“What a great day isn’t it? You walked past my store, spotted this hanger and just fifteen minutes later, your parents are reunited.”

Cosima merely nodded and swallowed back a sob as a new round of tears trickled down her cheek. I know it’s unfair of me, but I disliked this woman. I hate seeing Cosima’s tears. Margareth handed her the fancy jewelry box and gave me the receipt before she escorted us out of the store.

“Bye ladies, enjoy your night.”

“Delphine,” Cosima whispered, squeezing my upper arm as we walked down the street. “You didn’t have to do that. I don’t even know how to thank you properly.”

“Well,” I began, turning my head to the side to give her a flirtatious wink. “A simple kiss is more than enough.”

She smiled broadly, standing on the balls of her feet to press her lips against mine. It was quick and short, but it was a good kiss nonetheless. I lighted a cigarette before we resumed our stroll back to the hotel. We walked in silence, our arms brushing against each other with every step we took, until Cosima slipped her hand into mine. My body jumped at the contact and a wave of panic rushed through my chest. What are we doing? We kissed in public, I bought Cosima jewelry and now we’re walking hand in hand. We’re acting like a real couple and I like it. I like it a lot, but this is not okay. I have a boyfriend, a boyfriend who wants to fight for our relationship… and then there is Cosima, who is clearly in love with me and makes no effort to hide it whatsoever. This whole situation is making me sick and I need to tell her… she needs to know that I’ve got a boyfriend, but that she’s the love of my life, that I want her to be mine, and I’m going to tell her... I’m going to tell her tomorrow.


	8. Bomb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for study breaks! They give me time to write a bit more and update sooner :) thanks to everyone who reads and follows this fic. I really appreciate it.
> 
> So, remember I told you the idea for this fic popped in my head after I watched "Le passé devant nous"? Well, this chapter is the start of the real drama, revealing truths, and the intense love between the characters. There will be a few similarities between this story and the movie from now on, especially Delphine's feelings, but most of the storyline and setting in this fic is still different (in my opinion). 
> 
> Okay, I'm super nervous about this one. Please let me know if you still want me to finish this story, because I'm not going to spend my precious spare time on writing new chapters if people really hate it (or hate me :P) after reading this chapter. Thank you! <3

“Oh my God,” I sighed, sinking my teeth into the delicate skin of her throat before soothing the red mark with my tongue. Her fingers sped up their pace between my legs and a soft moan escaped my lips as she pushed a third digit into my heat.

“Delphine,” she whispered, her voice dripping with arousal.

Dan and the others got stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be back at the hotel for at least another hour, so Cosima and I had decided to go up to her room, watch a movie and eat a few more macarons, but we began to make out slowly, hands roaming over warm skin, before the movie even started. I was the one who initiated a passionate kiss, but Cosima surprised me a little when she took off my shirt and jeans, obviously wanting to take things further. I didn’t expect her to be so enthusiastic after what had happened to her this morning, but I’m not complaining.

“Take this off,” she demanded, tugging on one of my bra straps with her free hand. I reached behind my back, unfastening the clasp, before I let it slide off my shoulders and tossed it to the floor. A low groan rumbled in her chest as she closed her eyes, licking her lips when she squeezed her thighs together.

“Cosima,” I whimpered, stroking my thumb over her flushed cheek, while she continued to pump her skilled fingers into my sex. I tugged on my panties, trying to take them off to give her more room to move, but she stopped me, relishing the feeling of soaked fabric brushing against the back of her hand with every movement of her fingers. She opened her eyes to look at me and I noticed that her pupils were as big as saucers, her brilliant mind high on arousal.

“Hmm. This feels so good,” she hummed while her curious hand began to massage my breast, the hardened nipple grazing against her palm. I withdrew my hand from beneath her tank and slipped them between her legs, feeling a bit surprised when my fingertips came in contact with a damp spot on the outside of her underwear. I quickly moved the silky fabric aside and a smile spread across my face when she instinctively bucked her hips into my hand, coating my fingers in her arousal.

“You’re wet,” I purred appreciatively, kissing the tip of her nose.

“Yeah,” she nodded, closing her eyes again. I rolled her blue panties down her legs and my fingers quickly found their way back to her swollen intimate flesh, stroking gently between her folds before two of them tentatively entered her opening, sliding in way more easily than I had expected.

“Delphine!” she shouted my name in pleasure, her inner walls gripped my fingers tightly as her own fingers began to thrust deeper, distracting me from my task. She took my nipple in her mouth, sucking firmly, swirling her tongue around the pink nub, while she squeezed the full mound in her palm. Her thumb brushed against my clit, circling the sensitive skin around it before she began to massage the pulsing bundle of nerves itself.

“Delphine?” she said my name again, but it sounded soft and confused this time. I opened my eyes and looked straight into hers as her hips began to grind into my hand, asking me to move my fingers.

“Oh right,” I chuckled, kissing her forehead. “Sorry.”

The wet sounds coming from between our legs filled Cosima’s hotel room while we pleasured each other’s bodies simultaneously. Soft moans grew louder and our breahting turned into harsh pants as the minutes passed.

“Please,” I begged, moving my hand a little faster, silently asking Cosima to mimic my pace. She immediately understood and began to thrust deeper, faster, adding a little roughness into our lovemaking, exactly how I like it. I couldn’t suppress the soft screams that escaped my mouth, while Cosima’s sex became wetter and her fingers began to move faster as the first signs of my approaching orgasm made their appearance. My legs began to tremble as my inner walls clenched rapidly around Cosima’s fingers, making it harder for her to continue the thrusting of her digits. My uterus began to contract and just a second later, I fell over the edge, my body shaking uncontrollably as a loud scream erupted from deep inside my chest. Cosima’s fingers gradually slowed down, guiding me through every aftershock of my orgasm, before my body went limp. I pressed my thighs together, trapping Cosima’s hand between them.

“Hmm,” Cosima moaned, nudging my legs apart to pull out of me, rubbing my clit softly to check if my body desired more.

“Cosima, no,” I whined as my hips jerked away from her touch. “Too much.”

She removed my fingers from her own throbbing heat and rolled me onto my back, kissing my lips tenderly.

“Cosima you didn’t…” I said, but she pressed her wet fingers against my lips, cutting me off.

“It’s fine babe. It’s fine. It’s not gonna happen anyway. Let’s just stop right here, this so perfect. So perfect,” she panted, her chest heaving as she struggled to control her breathing. “So good,” she added, placing her head in the crook of my neck, catching her breath.

I slipped my hand under her tank top, caressing her lower back as I stared up to the ceiling. I don’t like to admit it, but I’m disappointed, frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to hold back when I’m close to orgasming. God, I really need to bring her to her peak first before I give in to my own primal needs.

“Thank you for this,” she whispered against my sweaty skin, caressing my breasts lazily. “It was so amazing and beautiful.”

My body tensed up when the words left her mouth and an unwelcome feeling began to spread through my chest.

“Don’t thank me after sex Cosima,” I said flatly, stroking her arm. “I’m not a…”

I quickly pursed my lips together, swallowing the last part of my sentence when I remembered what she had told me about the sexual part of her recovery.

“A what?” she shot her head up and locked her confused eyes on mine.

“Nothing, never mind.”

“Okay,” she nodded, but I could see a hint of hurt in her eyes. Or was it shame? _Merde Delphine!_

She took a deep breath and snuggled into my embrace once again as my fingers lifted the hem of her tank top, exposing her lower back to the cool air that lingered in the room. My arousal ebbed away quickly, my body satisfied and relaxed, but Cosima is still breathing heavily against my shoulder and I don’t know the reason why. Maybe it’s because of her vulnerable lungs or maybe it’s because she’s more turned on than she’s realizing herself.

I elegantly manoeuvred my leg between hers and gasped at the abundant wetness that instantly coated my thigh. Cosima let out soft moan and dug her nails into my shoulders, throwing her head back in nothing but pure pleasure. I cupped her round ass in my hands, squeezing both cheeks before I traced my finger over the crack. She shivered slightly and began to rock herself against me, completely unaware of what she’s doing.

“Your body is clearly not ready to stop right now,” I whispered, kissing the top of her head.

I rolled us over before she could respond, kissing her lips as she tangled her fingers into my hair. I scooted down her body, pressing my lips against the fabric of her top, until my head was positioned between her legs.

“Delphine, no, please,  it’s okay. Let’s just cuddle,” she offered, looking down as she cupped my jaw.

“What’s the reason you won’t let me try again? Was it really that bad last time?”

Her eyebrows shot up to her hairline and her eyes widened before she opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again.

“Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Then tell me what it is.”

“I just…” she began, her voice shaking. “I’m not comfortable with this.”

“Why?” I smiled, stroking her hip with my thumb. “Talk to me?”

“Because I don’t want you to become frustrated if I have difficulty reaching orgasm Delphine. It’s so different now, I don’t like the same things as before the surgery okay? I only have orgasms when I pleasure myself, and now there is someone lying next to me when it might happen. It’s just different. I don’t know.”

“You’ve never had an orgasm when you had sex with…?”

“No,” she shook her head, quickly avoiding a conversation about that part of her past, especially after the comment I made a few minutes ago.

“Okay,” I nodded in understanding as I took her hand in mine, slipping them between her legs, letting her cup her own slick sex. “Touch yourself Cosima. Show me what you like.”

“No,” she giggled awkwardly.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s personal.”

“It is,” I agreed, kissing the inside of her thigh. “But it’s just me. You don’t have to be embarrassed or whatever and besides, I’ve seen you come multiple times.”

She rolled her eyes and let out a hard laugh, but closed her mouth abruptly when I slowly began to move our hands. She swallowed thickly and a light flush spread across her skin as she closed her eyes.

“I’m trying to rediscover your body,” I whispered as I pulled my hand away. “Show me what feels good. We’re doing this together.”

She merely nodded and dropped her head back into the pillow, her eyes fixed on the ceiling as she began to nibble on her bottom lip. Her palm started to rub her clit in slow circles and I suddenly realized that this was a bad idea. I’m not sure if I can keep my hands to myself while Cosima pleasures herself in front of me, when the smell of her arousal fills my nostrils and when her glistening vulva is so close to my face. _Merde_.

Her index finger slipped between her inner lips, teasing her entrance before she dipped the tip inside, pulling out after a second to circle it around her opening again. She repeated the motion a few times, her legs shivering in anticipation, until her body couldn’t take the teasing any longer. Her finger found its way inside and I had to bite the back of my hand in order to keep myself from moaning out loud as the erotic sight filled my eyes. She slowly pushed the digit in and out of herself, moaning quietly before she quickly added a second finger.

I closed my eyes, distancing myself from this overwhelming situation, trying to ignore the new wave of arousal that was rapidly building in my core. This isn’t about me, this is about Cosima and her pleasure. I peeked through my eyelashes and noticed that the thrusting of her fingers was gentle, slow and deep, very different from what she used to like or what I like myself.

“Oh my God,” she panted, curling her fingers, hitting the spongy tissue of her g-spot over and over again. “Hmmm.”

“You like that?” I asked huskily, kissing the hand that worked between her thighs, swirling my tongue around the two slippery fingers when they were halfway out. I groaned in frustration when she didn’t give me more than a millisecond to taste her fingers before she pushed them back in, her body missing the fullness.

“Yes.”

She touched herself for a few minutes, until she suddenly pulled her right leg up and placed her foot between my shoulder blades, rubbing it up and down my spine. I moaned in approval as her hips started to move more erratic, her thumb adding a light pressure against her clit. I glanced up at her and noticed that her eyebrows were furrowed, her eyes screwed shut, and I immediately knew she was close.

“Delphine, I’m… oh God.”

“I know, keep going Cosima,” I encouraged softly, raking my nails over the back of her thigh. “Don’t fight it.”

She rubbed the sensitive spot on her front wall a little harder, until her legs began to shake and her back arched off the bed. Soft moans of pleasure erupted from her throat and her whole body spasmed as her fingers continued their stroking deep inside her vagina. She removed her digits unexpectedly and moved them up to her clit as a wave of a clear, watery fluid gushed out of her, soaking the sheets beneath us.

“ _Mon_ _Dieu_ ,” I gasped, completely caught off guard and my eyes didn’t know where to focus as Cosima’s body shook violently, the aftershocks of her orgasm rushing through her nervous system.

“Holy shit,” she panted, letting her spent body fall back against the bed, her eyes closed in post-orgasmic bliss. My eyes glanced between her legs, drops of fluid trickled down her ass and I couldn’t contain the urge to taste them. I dragged my tongue from her opening to her clit and nuzzled my nose into the soft dark curls that covered her mound, groaning as the new and unfamiliar taste coated my tongue. Cosima’s body shuddered in overstimulation and her hands found their way into my hair, pulling my face away from her vulva.

“Sorry,” I chuckled, moving my body to lie beside her. “That was interesting.”

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, opening her beautiful eyes to lock them on mine. “It happens sometimes, but I should’ve warned you.”

I shook my head and leaned in to kiss her.

“Don’t worry okay? It’s sexy and fascinating, but I didn’t know you could… like… you know.”

She let out a nervous giggle and a blush crept up her neck when I raised my eyebrows suggestively.

“No, no, I know,” she laughed. “It’s something Shay and I expl…”

My body tensed up when the name of the holistic healer left Cosima’s mouth and she quickly closed her lips, realizing I didn’t need to hear the details of their bedroom adventures. I knew that Shay was a lot wilder than me, a lot more confident and experienced. I also knew that Cosima and Shay matched perfectly on a sexual level, something that made me extremely insecure when Cosima started dating her.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It happened seven years ago Cosima, I’m over it,” I lied, kissing her cheek.

We caressed each other’s thighs, hips, arms and faces, savouring the intimacy, until Cosima began to speak again.

“Delphine,” she whispered, brushing her hand over my panties as the expression on her face grew serious. “There’s something I need to tell you, but I’m scared that it will ruin everything. I really regret not telling you sooner, but I had never anticipated all of this. I know it’s naive, but I didn’t think we would go on dates or that my feelings for you would grow stronger after that dinner. I wanted to tell you after we made love in your apartment, but I couldn’t find the courage to do so.”

“Cosima, you can tell me everything,” I smiled, wiping away the tear that had escaped the corner of her eye as nerves ran through my body. What could it possibly be? And would it really be so shocking that it will ruin everything between us?

“Are you sure, because what I’m about to tell you is a huge thing, but you have the right to know and you have the right to walk away after I told you. I totally understand if you do, you need to know that.”

“Yes, I’m sure” I said, even though I didn’t believe my own words. “You can tell me.”

She took a deep quivering breath and parted her lips to speak.

“Okay… well… I have a…”

“Cosima? Are you in there?” Gavin’s voice filled our ears when he knocked on the door. Cosima jumped out of bed and slipped her legs into her jeans before she ran towards the door.

“What is it?” I heard her whisper, pushing myself up into a sitting position, covering my body with the sheets.

“We’re back and everyone is waiting for you downstairs.”

“Yeah okay, gimme five seconds,” she answered, still a little out of breath.

“Great, I’m gonna get Delphine.”

“Gavin wait.”

“Yeah?”

“Uhm,” she whispered awkwardly. “Delphine is in here.”

“Jesus Cosima, we’re on a fucking trip man. Keep it in your pants until we’re back in Toronto please.”

She didn’t respond and I heard the door closing, realizing this was the end of our private time together. _Merde_.

* * *

 

The smell of tomato soup filled my nostrils as I brought the spoon up to my mouth. I sneaked out of Cosima’s hotel room after Gavin went downstairs, took a shower, got dressed and now we’re all sitting at the large table in the middle of the hotel’s restaurant. Dan had invited two professors from the univerisity to dinner and they had shown their interest in Cosima the second she introduced herself to them. My beautiful lover is sitting to my right, talking about her work with passion and enthusiasm, while the two men listened intently, their smiles growing wider with every word she said.

Dan, who is sitting across from me, is having a conversation with Eric, about something that doesn’t interest me. I’m not engaging in any conversations, because my mind was trying to figure out what Cosima wanted to tell me when we got interrupted, but I couldn’t think of something that would make me run away from her.

“Can you tell me about the subject of your thesis Cosima?”

“Yes, of course,” she nodded, gesturing wildly. “’I’ve studied and analyzed the epgenitcs differences and similarities in twins.”

They began to ask her a thousand questions and she answered them all with confidence, but I didn’t really pay much attention, feeling guilty about the things I haven’t told her yet. I wonder what her reaction will be. I think she’s going to be furious and she has every right to be.

“Are you okay?” Cosima whispered in my ear, curling her fingers around the back of my neck, stroking the warm skin she found there. “You’re so quiet.”

“ _Oui_ ,” I nodded, turning my head to the side, offering her a weak smile “I’m okay.”

She brushed her hand down my arm and slipped it between my thighs, squeezing the flesh in reassurance.

“I wish I could kiss you now,” she whispered as quietly as she could, making me blush instantly.

“Cosima,” Dan hissed, after clearing his throat to gain our attention. Her raised an eyebrow at her, shaking his head in disapproval. Cosima quickly moved her hand from under the table and placed it next to her plate.

_Merde_. Had he overheard our conversation? Was he aware of the blossoming love between us?

“Cosima,” one of the professors called her name, obviously craving her attention. “Maybe you should stay a little while longer so we can discuss your current job. I’ll bet we could offer you more than Christine can. We’ll pay for the extra nights.”

“Oh no no,” she laughed, shaking her head. “I’m not going to leave Toronto.”

“Will you change your mind if we promise you we’ll pay you twice as much?”

“No. Money isn’t the most important thing in life.”

A feeling of relief spread through my chest, I don’t think I could handle it if Cosima decided to move for another job, not now we’re still reconnecting with each other.

“But professor Cormier over here,” she joked, nonchalantly draping her arm around my shoulders. “Is very diverse. She’s the best immunologist you’ll ever meet, speaks several languages fluently and she doesn’t mind moving for a job. She’s done it more than once.”

“Really?” the older of the two asked curiously, shifting his attention to me.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna move for a job either, not anymore” I smiled, turning my head to look at Cosima. “Because I have a great reason to stay in Toronto, but thank you.”

Cosima returned my smile, bearing her canines as she pushed her tongue between her front teeth, something I find incredibly charming. Dan cleared his throat again, causing Causima to pull her arm away.

“Uhm,” she said, looking at the professors across from her. “I’m sorry gentlemen, but I’m afraid that I’ll have to excuse myself. I need to use the restroom.”

“Niehaus, really? Come on,” Gavin said in disbelief. “You can’t use the bathroom during dinner.”

“Yeah, weak bladder, sorry” Cosima answered as she shoved her chair backwards and stood up.

“Don’t be rude Cos.”

“Gavin, stop it!” Dan warned him in a stern voice, making all heads turn in his direction. “Stop bothering her. She’s a woman, if she needs to go, she needs to go.”

“Oh in that case,” Jackie joined the conversation, standing up as well. “Let’s go Cos.”

The two women walked away and I couldn’t take my eyes off Cosima’s round butt, her hips swaying with every step she took.

“Delphine, can you explain to me why women always go to the bathroom together?”

I glanced at Eric, who was looking at me with a confused expression on his face. I give him a small smile and shook my head. Eric has never had a girlfriend and Cosima likes to tease him about his inexperience. She even thinks that he’s still a virgin, but I’m not convinced and I don’t really care to be honest.

“I don’t know Eric, why don’t you ask Cosima?”

I finished my soup and took another sip of my red whine, glancing at my watch when I wondered what took Cosima and Jackie so long. It’s been ten minutes since they had left the dinner table and I felt the urge to check on them. I know Cosima is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, but I’m worried that our physical activities had put a strain on her body. I don’t have any evidence to prove my suspicion though. Cosima is vibrant, cheeky, talking non-stop and impressing the professors with her intellect. So maybe, I’m worrying too much, but I can’t help it.

“Delphine,” Dan’s voice reached my ears. I snapped my head up and locked my eyes with his.

_“Oui?”_

“I haven’t really spoken to you during this trip. Maybe we can meet up for coffee before breakfast starts tomorrow?”

“Eh,” I stammered as a strange feeling traveled up my spine. I know he wants to speak to me about Cosima, about what he had seen tonight. _Merde_. Is it really that obvious? Maybe I should warn her, tell her that we need to be a bit more discreet.

“Sure why not.”

“Great. I’ll see you at seven then.”

I could only nod, staring at my plate to avoid Dan’s penetrating gaze. Am I going to be honest with him? Tell him I’m in love with Cosima? Will it cost me my job? Will it cost Cosima her job? _Mon Dieu_. I’m convinced that Dan has a lot more empathy than Christine, Cosima’s boss. I could feel the panic rise in my stomach as my heart started beating wildly.

Warm skin brushed against my arm, pulling me out of my thoughts as Cosima sat down next to me. I glanced at my watch again and realized she had been gone for almost twenty minutes. What in the world took her so long? Her gaze was fixed on her glass of water, staring at it numbly, before she picked it up and brought it up to her mouth.

“Wow, that took you long enough,” Eric sighed, looking at Jackie, who gave him a sarcastic smile.

“Yeah, my period just started, but I didn’t bring tampons and neither did Cosima, so we had to ask the people from the lobby,” she stated, smiling at everyone who was looking at her.

“Jackie, I lost my appetite. Thank you very much,” Gavin grimaced, rolling his eyes.

I focused my eyes on Cosima and felt my stomach turn when I noticed that her face was as white as a sheet, a faint streak of eyeliner on her cheek. I reached out to wipe it from her face, but quickly withdrew my hand when Cosima tensed up and backed away from my touch.

“Are you okay?” I asked worriedly and wondered what the hell happened in that bathroom. She’s clearly upset. Did she have a fight with Jackie? Did Sarah call her with some bad news that made her cry? Maybe Alison found out about Charlotte and Sam, and Jackie’s period story is a lie.

“Fine,” she answered flatly, expertly avoiding eye contact.

“Cosima,” the older looking professor called her name, demanding her attention once again and a wave of annoyance ran through me. “I’m sorry if I’m being too curious, but is Niehaus your last name?”

“That’s correct,” she smiled, changing her whole demeanor in one second, which annoyed me even more.

“Are you related to Sally Watson – Niehaus?”

My body froze in its seat when the name of Cosima’s mother rolled from the man’s lips. I expected an emotional outburst, giving the fact that she was already feeling emotional for whatever reason.

“Yes,” she said happily, her smile growing wider as she leaned forward to emphasize her surprise. “That’s my mother. You knew her?”

“I thought so. You look like her, same body language, same passion for science.”

“Thank you,” she smiled, a blush coloring her cheeks. She instantly looked better and a feeling of relief washed over me. “I think.”

“Yeah, it’s a definitely a compliment. I met Sally at Berkeley in the summer of 1989 for a big research project we were both working on. We went out for dinner a few times, such a charming woman, but very reserved and highly professional. She was eight months pregnant at the time, if I remember correctly. You were an overly active fetus Cosima, we could see you move inside her belly very often, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard your mother complain.”

1989? I was expecting Cosima to correct him, tell him that he had been wrong about the date, but she surprised me immensely when she nodded her head in affirmation.

“Well, yeah, I was already five years old in ‘89, but she was expecting her second child that summer, yes.”

I almost spit out my roasted Brussels sprouts and reached out to take a gulp of wine, coughing when I couldn’t swallow. Holy shit. This can’t be true.

“Oh yes, Sally talked about her firstborn a lot too. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I assumed that you were the younger one, take it as a compliment.”

Cosima laughed heartily, pushing her tongue between her teeth before she took a sip of water, while I was still in shock.

“So you’re the excellent piano player and the one who could read full sentences at the age of two?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, blushing furiously. “That would be me.”

They continued to talk about Sally, her work, her personality and her death, until the man excused himself when his phone rang.

“Cosima,” I whispered, scooting a little closer. “I didn’t know you had a sibling.”

“Well,” she responded, refusing to make eye contact as she stared at her glass. “Maybe you should have read my files a little more closely then. I’m sure the DYAD mentioned it somewhere.”

“Maybe I have seen it, but I can’t remember.”

“It’s not my fault that you didn’t read all the details about my life,” she spat, shaking her head as she curled her lips in an unpleasant way. I could clearly make out the venom in her voice and I didn’t know why she would treat me like that, not when we had just made love so lovingly.

“Cosima,” Gavin whispered, also scooting closer before he curled his hand around her wrists. “I didn’t know either.”

“You couldn’t have known dude. I’ve never mentioned him. It’s not like he’s constantly on my mind,” she chuckled, tilting her head to look at him. Yes, her behavior towards me is personal. Her tone is friendly and she has no problem with looking Gavin in the eye. But why? Why is she so distant all of a sudden? Had I said something that upset or offended her?

“You never speak about him. Does he have a wife? Kids? Does he still live in San Fran?”

“No, no. He died in the womb, two weeks before the due date, so that’s why I’ve never mentioned him. I’ve no memories of him whatsoever.”

“Oh.”

“That’s not true by the way,” she said, placing her hand on her forehead. “I remember sitting in the hospital with the baby in my tiny arms, while my dad took a few pictures of us. His body was so small and cold and so blue. I didn’t want to be there. It’s sad actually, because it’s my earliest memory.”

“That’s fucked up Cos.”

My appetite was completely gone by this point and my heart was beating so fast that it literally ached inside my chest. How could I’ve missed this important piece of information about Cosima’s life? I’ve read her files at least three times before I moved to Minnesota to monitor her. Maybe the files weren’t complete when Leekie gave them to me and it makes me wonder if there is more I don’t know… if I really know Cosima.

“Your parents must have been devastated.”

“Yeah they were. Like I said, I don’t remember much, but can you imagine what it must have felt like Gavin? First, they had to go through these horrible fertility treatments and after a decade, they decided to try IVF and I was born. They always wanted more children, but they didn’t want to go through all of that again, so they slowly came to terms with the fact that we would always be a family of three, and then after four years, my mom found out that she was pregnant again. He was their unexpected love baby, the baby they had conceived naturally during a night of passion, created in a moment of love, and they were ecstatic, living on cloud nine for thirty-eight weeks, until he died. His death shattered their hearts, they were never the same again and I’m convinced that it’s one of the reasons why they were so remote. I know they loved me, did their best to give me a happy life, but something died within them that day and I’ve always felt that.”

I could feel tears well up in my eyes while Cosima spoke to Gavin. I knew Cosima didn’t have the easiest childhood, but she had never mentioned this and I’m not sure if I feel sorry for her or if I’m angry at her for not telling me.

We finished our desserts while Cosima talked to those two professors again. I didn’t talk to anyone, feeling extremely nervous about tomorrow, the day I’m going to tell Cosima about Ed. Maybe I should just do it right now, she’s already mad at me for some reason. I wanted to call Vivienne and ask her for advice, but it’s already 11 pm.

“Cosima,” I whispered as everyone stood up from their seats to go to their hotel rooms.

“What?”

“You’re acting very strange, what’s going on?”

She shrugged her shoulders and turned around, following the others to the elevator.

“Is this about what happened in your room? Did you feel forced when I asked you to touch yourself?”

“Delphine,” she hissed, her cheeks blushing a deep shade of red. “Stop it.”

“Cosima please. I’m sorry if I pressured you into things you didn’t want, but you need to tell me if that’s the case.”

“This is not about sex Delphine. I’m fucking tired okay? We’ll talk about it in the morning. Goodnight.”

She turned around and I whispered her name one more time, but she walked away without looking back. I watched her as she stepped into the elevator, staring into her brown eyes as the doors slide shut.

* * *

 

I threw the last item of clothing into my suitcase before I closed the zipper. It’s almost seven and I’m about to meet Dan for coffee. I haven’t slept all night, texted Cosima and waited hour after hour for a respons, a text that never came. I hope it’s because she was fast asleep and not because she was ignoring me on purpose.

Meet Dan for coffee, have breakfast with the others, talk to Cosima in private, tell her about Ed, and mentally prepare myself for the long ride back home. I’m going to call Ed tomorrow, invite him over, talk to him and end our relationship, no matter what Cosima’s reaction to Ed is going to be. I’ve decided to break up with him, whether Cosima still wants to see me or not. So that’s the plan, and I already texted Vivienne to ask her if I can live with her and her family for a while.

I slipped my feet into my heels, took a quick glimpse in the mirror and walked out of the hotel room.

“ _Bonjour_ Delphine,” Dan greeted me when I walked into the restaurant.

“ _Bonjour_ ,” I smiled, adding milk into the steaming cup of coffee.

“Did you sleep well?”

“ _Oui_ , a few hours, but I don’t mind.”

We sipped our coffee in silence, allowing our bodies and minds to wake up with the help of caffeine.

“You wanted to speak to me?” I asked, too nervous and curious about the reason why he wanted to meet me before breakfast.

“I wanna talk to you about Cosima,” he smiled, looking me straight in the eye. “She seems very in awe of you.”

“I don’t know,” I lied, knowing Cosima is very obvious in expressing her feelings for me. “We click on an intellectual level. I’m impressed by her too.”

“ _I’m_ impressed by you too Delphine,” he chuckled, swirling his spoon around in his cup. “But this is different. Cosima has other motives.”

“What do you mean Dan?”

“Delphine you’re aware of the fact that Cosima is a homosexual woman, yes?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, eyes wide. “I know.”

“And you’ve got a boyfriend.”

“So?” I said, feeling slightly annoyed. “Are you saying that I can’t spend time with Cosima, because she’s gay and I have a boyfriend? That’s ridiculous.”

“No Delphine,” he sighed. “I don’t want to pry into your personal life, but I accidentally overheard a conversation between Jackie and Gavin yesterday, when we were at the museum. They were talking about you and Cosima, the flirting that’s going on between you two and that you’re clearly in love with each other.”

I swallowed thickly, looking down at the napkin on my saucer as I tried to come up with an explanation for this.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re in love with Cosima aren’t you?”

“ _Oui_ ,” I whispered quietly and wondered if Dan actually catched it.

“This can’t affect your work at the university Delphine. You’re having an affair with your colleague.”

“I know, I’m so sorry.”

“No Delphine, you don’t have to apologize. It’s none of my business really. I’m only asking you to keep your private stuff private. Of course you can spend time with Cosima, be in love with her, but don’t bring it into work okay?”

“Okay,” I nodded, relief washing over me. “ _Merci_ Dan.”

“I get it you know? Cosima is a fantastic woman.”

“She is.’

“So intelligent and sweet and she’s got a warm personality too.”

“ _Oui_.”

“And I’ve got so much respect for her you know. I keep wondering how she does it, it must be hard right?”

“Hard?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Taking care of that kid all by herself and teaching classes four days a week. It’s very admirable don’t you agree?”

“Kid?” I snorted, crossing my arms as a my heart rate sped up. “You mean Charlotte? The girl that’s spending a lot of time at Cosima’s house?”

“No, Delphine I’m not talking about one of her sisters.”

I stared at him, wearing a confused expression on my face. My mouth went dry and it felt as if I had swallowed a spoon full of Sahara sand… and a cactus. I swirled my tongue over my lips to prevent them from drying out… sweat trickling down my back.

“Oh she didn’t tell you?” he asked, covering his mouth with his hand, averting his eyes from me as he screwed them shut. “Fuck. I’m sorry I dropped the bomb.”

“What bomb?’ I managed to choke out, but deep down in my heart, I already knew what he was going to say. There had been a few signs that had given it away, but I couldn’t put my finger on it all this time. The pacifier in her handbag, they way she interacted with that girl in the coffee shop, why Charlotte was in her house while Cosima was not there, the slight changes in her body. It had crossed my mind a few times, but it also quickly faded, because it didn’t seem to fit the Cosima I knew… my Cosima, with her lack of maternal feelings, her infertility, her independent lifestyle. But she has changed, changed a lot, and it’s so obvious now that I feel incredibly stupid for not realizing it sooner, for not _wanting_ to realize it sooner, for denying the obvious truth.

“Dan, please tell me” I begged, desperately needing to hear the words that would turn everything between us even more complicated.

“Delphine…” he whispered, locking his eyes on mine.

“Yeah?” I gasped for breath, bracing myself for the truth.

“Cosima is a mother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scared that this is going to turn into a sappy happy family fic from now on? Don't be :) Delphine's feelings will not change that fast and easily.


	9. Role

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the encouraging reviews I received on the previous chapter :)
> 
> I'm a little nervous about the flashback in this chapter, because it's a kinda unusual and contains a topic that's still slightly taboo (I think). But I like writing about such topics :P It's M-rated, but I hope you'll like it. 
> 
> I'm not sure if I'm able to update next weekend because of my studies, but I'll do my best!

Nicotine-filled smoke invaded my lungs, burning the organs inside my chest with every deep inhale, while large drops of rain splattered on my face. I don’t think I've ever smoked a cigarette this fast, sucking on the filter as if my life depended on it. It’s been ten minutes since Dan told me about Cosima’s secret life and I’m still in some kind of shock. I was ready to run to the second floor, ready to confront her with this, but Dan managed to calm me down and reminded me of the fact that I haven’t been honest with her either. I don’t have the right to be angry at her, while I’m the one who has a secret boyfriend, but this is different isn’t it? Ed and I, we’re not forever.

I took a last drag of my cigarette, flicked the butt on the ground and walked through the entrance of the hotel. I didn’t have the patience to wait for the elevator, so I climbed up the stairs, my heart pouding against my ribcage and I’m not sure if that’s because of my poor condition or because the adrenaline was pumping through my veins.

My body was sweating all over when room 211 came into view and my brain was screaming at me to turn around, but my legs seemed to move on their own accord. I lifted my arm, curling my hand into a fist before I knocked on her door.

“Cosima?”

Nothing. Silence. A deafening silence.

“Cosima?” I tried again, knocking a little harder.

I patiently waited for a response, but Cosima didn’t open the door, so I reached inside the back pocket of my jeans, pulled out her key card and held it against the sensor. Maybe this isn’t very respectful of me, but I have this feeling that Cosima is ignoring me on purpose since last night.

“Cosima?”

The sound of running water filled my ears when I walked into her hotel room. Her purple yoga pants and black t-shirt lay scattered on the floor, a pile of clean clothes and underwear was placed on her bed and I immediately regretted my decision to enter her room without her permission. I was ready to leave the place and confront her later, but I knew I didn’t have time when she turned off the shower. My body froze on the spot, my breath hitched in my throat and I opened my mouth to call her name again, to let her know I was in her room, but nothing came out, and just a second later, a door was unlocked and Cosima walked out of the bathroom, dripping wet and completely naked.

“Holy sh...” she gasped when she saw me standing on the other side of the room. She quickly covered her breasts with her forearm, shielding them from my gaze. “Delphine! What the f…”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized hastily, running my fingers through my hair.

“Are you stalking me now? Jesus Chr…”

“I knocked, but you didn’t respond.”

“And why do you think that is?” she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she used her free hand to push her glasses onto her face.

“Cosima, I need to talk to you,” I whispered, sitting down on the bed.

“Like now? For God’s sake Delphine. I just woke up and I’ve to get dressed. Just go downstairs, we’ll talk when we’re back home.”

_“Non.”_

“Excuse me?”

_“Non.”_ I shook my head, staring into her beautiful eyes. This couldn’t wait until we’re home.

“Fine,” she huffed, throwing her hands up in the air. “I’m gonna put on some clothes while you do the talking. You’ve got ten minutes.”

She shuffled towards the bed and picked up a towel as I roamed my eyes over her naked body. I slowly took in her full bossom, breasts that were a bit smaller seven years ago and used to have small pink nipples, nipples that are slightly larger and darker now, her belly that looks a lot softer than I remember, the widened hips and the prominent scar. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh at how obvious it was or if I wanted to cry over my own stupidity.

“So, are you gonna talk or what?” she spat, drying herself with the towel.

“ _Oui_ , I uhm,” I began, realizing I didn’t even know where to start. “I…”

She lout out a soft laugh and shook her head as she put on a white pair of panties.

“Dan told me you…” I couldn’t say it, saying it out loud will make this thing even more real.

“Yeah? What did Dan say?”

I took a deep breath, gathered all the courage I could find and looked her straight in the eye as I opened my mouth again.

“That you’re a mom.”

Cosima inhaled sharply, placing her hands on her waist before she quickly composed herself and picked up her bra from the pile of clothes on her bed.

“Okay. Whatever,” she shrugged, fastening the clasp behind her back.

“Whatever?” I huffed, standing up. “That’s all you have to say?”

“Uhm,” she laughed, raising her eyebrows. “What do you want me to say?”

“Is it true?”

“You seriously think Dan would make up such a ridiculous lie? Why the hell would he do that?”

I sat back down and a tear rolled down my cheek while Cosima’s eyes burned into mine.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Listen Delphine,” she said, putting on her jeans. “You want me to answer your questions?”

_“Oui.”_

“Does that mean your gonna answer mine too?”

I nodded slowly, wiping away my tears.

“Great,” she exclaimed, but I could clearly make out the sarcasm in her voice. “Delphine?”

“Yes?”

“When were you gonna tell me that you’ve got a boyfriend?”

_Merde._ I held my breath, anxiously waiting for her next words. I can tell she’s going to scream at me, yell at me to ‘get out’. She’s done it a few times before and I recognize that look on her face from miles away.

“I…I…” I stuttered. My brain stopped working and I couldn’t move. It felt as if someone had thrown a bucket full of ice cubes over my head. Everything stopped functioning when the question left Cosima’s mouth. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but fear, hurt and betrayal in those beautiful orbs.

A loud wail echoed through her hotel room before she squeezed her eyes shut and covered her mouth with her hand, trying to stifle the sobs wracking her chest. The heartbreaking sound immediately reactivated my brain and I reached out before I could stop myself.

“Don’t touch me,” she hissed, her eyes blazing with anger as she backed away from my touch. “Get out.”

“ _Non_ , please. Let me explain Cosima.”

“Explain? Explain why you lied to me like that?”

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, tears rolling down my cheeks.

“And you’re accusing me of living the family life?” she spat with venom in her voice. “That’s exactly what you’re doing Delphine! You share an apartment with a guy who has been your boyfriend for many years now. Or is he your fiancé? Your husband? How can I even be sure that you’re not raising three kids at home?”

“I don’t have kids and he is just my boyfriend, we’re not engaged or married.” I cried, my voice shaking with emotion. “And I didn’t accuse you of living the…”

“GET OUT!”

“ _Non_ , we need to talk.”

“You know what? I don’t even know if I’m angry at you or if I’m mad at myself for being so naive and stupid.”

“You’re not stupid Cosima.”

“Oh please,” she rolled her eyes, using the towel to dry her tear-streaked face. “I should have known better. You haven’t changed that much have you?”

“Who told you this?” I asked quietly, brushing my hair out of my face.

“Jackie did, when we went to the bathroom during dinner.”

_Mon Dieu_ , that’s why she acted so distantly after they came back. _Merde_.

“And don’t you dare blame her, because this is what happens when you’re not being honest from the start. She just assumed that you had told me, just like Dan thought I told you everything about my life.”

“I know. I know this is entirely my fault.”

“It is,” she nodded, folding her hands behind her neck as she stared up to the ceiling. “What’s his name?”

“Why is that important?”

“Just tell me his name Delphine!” she shouted, making me cry again.

“Ed.”

“Ed?”

_“Oui.”_

“Oh my God, so that’s the name you scream when you come for him?” she laughed sarcastically, raising her eyebrows at me. “Every fucking night he pounds you into the mattress?”

“Cosima please,” I whispered as bile crept up my throat, but she ignored me and just kept going.

“You brought me to your bed Delphine! The bed you share with your boyfriend, the place where you make love to him! The place where you suck his… Oh my God, that’s absolutely disgusting!”

“Cosima I’m…”

“I’ve told you about my trust issues, that I never ever wanted a relationship again, but you made me reconsider that decision. I opened my heart to let you in, but you betrayed it again.”

“I’m so sorry,” I cried, a feeling of immense guilt swirling around in my stomach.

“I wanted to trust you. I’ve told you so many personal an vulnerable things and you…”

She let oud another choked sob and I could literally feel her pain in my own chest.

“You know, never mind, this isn’t even your fault. I should’ve asked and I should’ve known better. You’re French, you enjoy lovers. I hate myself Delphine. I hate myself for being so fucking stupid.”

Her words sliced through me like knives, stabbing my heart over and over, and I jumped off the bed before I knew it. I grabbed her by the shoulders and took her in my arms.

“Don’t say those awful things. You’re amazing,” I whispered in her ear, brushing my hand over her scalp as she tried to free herself from my embrace, but I wouldn’t let her and held her a little tighter, until she relaxed in my arms.

“Stop, please,” she begged, but I know her too well and I could tell by the sound of her voice that she wanted to be held like this. “Please, stop.”

“ _Je t'aime_ ,” I offered, repeating the words over and over as Cosima began to cry harder, letting her emotions run free. Her tears were soaking through my t-shirt and her weight became heavy in my arms as she leaned further into me. Her tears began to quiet down after a few minutes and hiccups turned into soft sighs as the anger slowly ebbed from her body. All the muscles in _my_ body suddenly tensed up when Cosima unexpectedly pressed her lips against my collarbone. Her lips began to kiss my throat, my jaw and my chin, until they finally reached my mouth. She kissed it tentatively before she pushed her tongue between my lips, sliding it against mine, and it took me a few seconds to respond. The kiss was completely different to all the others we had ever shared, more passionate, emotional and demanding, almost is if this was the last kiss we would ever share together.

“So this is it?” I whispered after she pulled away. The tension in the air slowly faded and Cosima’s eyes were soft again. “We’re going back to just being colleagues?”

“I don’t know Delphine. I love you, but I need space. I don’t know if I can trust you again and you’ll need to figure out if you want to leave your boyfriend for a woman who has a kid.”

“I want to leave Ed. I’m going to end our relationship tomorrow. I don’t love him like I love you,” I said, cupping her face in my hands.

“You still need to take your time to think about the other thing, because if you really want to be with me, you’ll have to accept my child too and I’m not convinced that’s what you want.”

I merely nodded, knowing she was absolutely right. I love Cosima and I want her to be mine, but a kid is something else entirely.

“I want to end this for now, so you can figure out if you still want me now that you know that I’m a mother and I can think about us too. I don’t know if I can trust you again. It’s not like you cheated on me though, we’re not in a relationship, but it still hurts and I’m pissed at you.”

“I understand,” I whispered, squeezing her upper arms as another round of tears spilled from my eyes. “Cosima? Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes.”

“Did you really have a hysterectomy or do you have this because you had a C-section?” I asked, tracing my finger over the scar on her abdomen.

She looked down at her belly and covered my hand with hers, stroking my fingers with her thumb.

“I know I haven’t told you everything, but that doesn’t mean I lied to you,” she said, locking her eyes on mine.

I averted my gaze and glanced at our joined hands, imagining a pregnant Cosima for the first time since Dan told me the truth. I quickly withdrew my hand as an indescribable feeling unfolded in my chest, almost as if I had lost an opportunity,  it wasn’t an unpleasant or an unwelcome feeling, but very unexpected. I wasn’t there when she created another life, when the baby was growing inside her and I don’t like to admit it, but I feel quite sad somehow, because I’ll never get a second chance to see her like that… to see her belly grow or see her fulfill the mother role.

“Is there a father?” I asked quietly, my eyes still focused on the hand on her belly. Her fingers began to move over her skin, drawing slow circles as if she were pregnant right now.

“There’s a donor. I’ve got a test-tube baby,” she chuckled, smiling proudly.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, the child was a choice, not an unwanted product of non-consensual sex, a scenario that immediately popped up in my mind when Dan told me, because there’s no way Cosima would voluntarily have sex with a man. I’m so glad it’s not what I initially thought. The thought of Cosima going through something like that is so shocking that it made me want to vomit.

“Is the donor someone you know?”

“Yes.”

_Mon Dieu._ Wouldn’t it be weird if Cosima created a child with someone like Scott? Felix? Even Donnie invaded my mind. I know it’s none of my business, but the thought is a little disturbing.  

“Don’t worry,” she smiled. “You don’t know him.”

“Okay,” I nodded, relief washing over me.

Cosima put on her knitted sweater and turned around, walking over to the mirror to apply some eyeliner.

“Breakfast already started, maybe you should go downstairs. I’ll follow you in a bit,” she suggested nonchalantly.

_Non_. I wanted to ask her so many questions. Does she have a son or a daughter? How old is this kid? What about the name? Is the donor involved in the upbringing? How did the treatment cure her infertility? But I don’t think she’s willing to share all the answers with me, because I really screwed up this time.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right,” I whispered before I stood up and shuffled into her direction, touching her shoulder to make her turn round.

“Can I call you when we’re home? Send you texts?”

“No, I think it’s better if we take our time Delphine. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk and feel less hurt and pissed okay?”

“Okay,” I managed to say, a wave of panic rushing over me. Deep down in my heart, I knew this was it. Cosima isn’t going to forgive me. I’ve broken her trust again.

I turned around, feeling small and disgusted with myself as I walked over to the door, opening it to leave her room.

“Delphine?”

“Yes?” I asked, looking over my shoulder.

“I love you,” she said in a trembling voice, her bottom lip quivering with the effort not to cry again.

“I love you too Cosima,” I whispered, giving her a weak smile before I walked away and closed the door behind me.

* * *

 

Tears were streaming down my face when I stepped into the hallway. I didn't think I had any more tears left to cry, but apparently I was wrong. I dropped my bags to the floor and opened the fridge, but closed it again when I didn’t find anything in there. My feet carried me towards the couch and I collapsed onto it, my body sinking into the cushions while I did my best to stop the tears from falling.

It feels good to be home, to be alone after the events of this morning. I’m still mad at her for keeping such crucial stuff a secret and I’m also angry at myself for being so naive, maybe we both just screwed up. We both made some poor decisions and we're paying for the consequences now. Maybe I should’ve told her right away when we we’re at that New Year’s reception. I’m sure she wouldn’t be so foolish to fall in love with me again if she knew, which means _I_ wouldn’t get the opportunity to fall in love with her too.

I opened my laptop to watch another episode of my favorite series on Netflix, when suddenly, my eyes fell on a yellow t-shirt that lay on the floor. I picked it up and brushed my nose over the fabric, inhaling deeply to fill my nostrils with his unique scent. God I’ve missed him, I’ve missed him so much that it literally aches. I really hope he’s coming home soon. I shifted my attention to the screen of my laptop, clutching his t-shirt against my chest while my eyelids grew heavy.

I’m not sure for how long I was asleep when the sound of clinking keys and footsteps woke me up. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and focused my eyes on the face in front of me, a smile spreading across my face when I recognized hers immediately.

“Hi love,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to my warm cheek. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better,” I said as a new wave of sadness unfolded in the pit of my stomach.

“Yeah, I can imagine… anyway, I’ve bought you groceries before I came here. I figured that you probably didn’t feel good enough to do it yourself.”

“Yeah, thanks darling” I nodded, looking around the room when I slowly realized she didn’t bring _him_ with her. “Where’s my man?”

“Uhm, yeah,” she started, avoiding every eye contact. “I’m sorry, but our sestras took him to some huge indoor playground this morning. I’m not sure when they’ll be back.”

“Oh my God,” I sighed in annoyance. “You knew I was coming back today Sarah!”

“You didn’t tell me when exactly. It could be around ten tonight right?”

I didn’t answer, feeling disappointed and impatient as Sarah put the groceries away in silence, probably annoyed by my ungrateful behavior.

“Shite Cos,” she cursed, walking up to me to hand me a cup of tea. “Can’t you just be thankful for the fact that I took care of your kid for the past three days, so you could go on this trip?”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, taking a sip of my tea, swirling the hot liquid over my tongue. “I’m really grateful for the things you’re doing for us Sarah, but I just miss him so much, I feel horrible after what happened this morning and my tits hurt. It’s been three days and I’m dying to see him.”

“You still haven’t weaned him? Bloody hell Cosima, we’ve talked about this! He’ll turn two this April, come on. It’s really time to cut the emotional umbilical cord okay? He’s not a baby anymore. You need to treat him like a big boy.”

I merely shrugged, not in the mood for another heated discussion about the subject. I know how Sarah and Alison feel about this and I don’t want to hear it again.

“Gavin told me Delphine has been cheating on you?” she said, quickly changing the topic when she sensed my irritation.

“No, we’re not in a relationship, you can hardly call it cheating.”

“She’s fucking two people at the same time.”

“Yeah, so technically, she’s cheating on her boyfriend.”

“Right, whatever. What are you gonna do now?”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “Take my time to think about it. I’m not sure if I can trust her again.”

“You know Cos,” Sarah whispered, squeezing my knee. “I don’t think she could ever cheat on you. I’m convinced she loves you sestra. She does have a good heart.”

“Wow,” I exclaimed, an amused smile forming on my face. “Did that really just came out of your mouth? This is Delphine we’re talking about right? You don’t like her.”

“Yes, we’re talking about the same woman,” she confirmed, smiling too. “I never really trusted her, but she proved us all wrong in the end didn’t she? I know she loves you Cos.”

“She should have been honest about her boyfriend.”

“Did you tell her about Hugo’s existence?”

“No, because I wanted her to like me. I wanted to stand a chance with her. I never thought we would go on dates or that I would fall in love again.”

“Don’t you think that maybe… she had the same reasons?”

“Could be,” I shrugged. “But she made love to me in their bed Sarah. The bed she shares with her boyfriend. That’s unforgivable.”

“Uhm, yeah, that’s bloody fucked up, but not unforgivable in my opinion.”

“No?”

“No, she just really loves you Cos. She’s putting her relationship at risk to spend time with you… to shag you. She’s cheating on her boyfriend, because she loves you more. She wants you Cosima, don’t even try to deny it.”

“I know she loves me more, but I feel hurt and cheated on.”

“ _That_ I can understand love,” she whispered, brushing her thumb over my cheek. “Take your time to  think about it okay? I just think it would be good for you, a woman by your side. You have a big heart Cos, more than enough love to give. Hugo is still so young, he will accept Delphine and he adapts quickly to a new situation.”

“Yeah. I don’t know,” I responded, not wanting to mention Delphine’s dislike towards children.

“Just promise me one thing?”

“What?”

“When you make the stupid decision not to give Delphine a second chance, promise me you’ll give that other French chick a call.”

“What! No! Are you out of your mind?”

“Cosima, please. You’ve been denying yourself any kind of romance since Shay left you, you refuse to fall in love because of Hugo, but you were so relaxed and happy when you were spending time with that escort from Brussels. You liked going on dates with her and you’re almost thirty-seven, that’s too young to live a celibate life.”

“But what about Alison?”

“I’ll make sure she doesn’t find out.”

“And if she does? Like last time?”

“I’ll talk to her Cos. Your sexlife is none of her business."

I shook my head in disbelief and took a last sip of my tea before I let out a big yawn.

“Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for a bit?” she suggested, stroking my arm. “You look like you haven’t slept at all. I’ll wake you when Alison arrives with your little man allright?”

“Yeah, thanks sestra.”

I pressed a kiss to her cheek and dragged myself upstairs. My brain was overactive, begging me to give it some rest. I quickly took off my clothes and mentally prepared myself for a few vivid dreams as I crawled into bed, moaning when my head hit the pillow. It didn’t take long before I drifted off to sleep…

_The suite she had booked for our date was large and luxurious, a huge chandelier hung from the ceiling and the white sheets were made out an expensive kind of silk, making me slightly uncomfortable. Dinner had been great, even though I was so nervous that I constantly babbled about uninteresting things, but she made me feel at ease within the first thirty minutes. She told me about her studies, her childhood in Marseille and her job, before she invited me upstairs… and here I am… standing in the middle of her hotel room, looking awkward and uncomfortable again. Normally, I’m not this shy about sex, but this will be the first time after I lost a part of my reproductive system, and that makes this encounter a little different. I’ve made the decision not to dive into another relationship after Shay left me, but I kind of miss the whole dating thing, the flirting and the intimacy. I don’t necessarily like one night stands, of course I have them sometimes, but I need to be in love before I can fully enjoy sex with someone, so… this whole situation is very new to me._

_“You like this?” she asked, lifting a bottle of champagne out of the ice bucket._

_“I don’t drink alcohol,” I whispered, my voice was shaking and I didn’t even recognize it as my own._

_“Oh right, I forgot.”_

_“That’s okay.”_

_She set the bucket aside and kicked off her heels as she took a sip of the champagne. My heart began to beat wildly and I felt my face heat up when she positioned herself on the left side of the bed._

_“Cosima,” she said, her thick French accent caressing my ears._

_“Y..yes?”_

_“Don’t be nervous.”_

_I shuffled towards the bed, accepting her outstretched hand and lied down next to her._

_“Are you okay?” she asked, stroking my upper arm. “We don’t have to do this. I can order you a cab if you want.”_

_“No, no. I’m okay, just nervous.”_

_“Why are you nervous chérie?”_

_The familiar French word left her lips in a whisper, making me shiver as a pleasant feeling traveled up my spine._

_“I’ve never done this before and I haven’t had sex in a while.”_

_“Okay, you want to tell me?”_

_“I don’t know Louise, I thought this would be a good idea, but there’s so much pressure right now.”_

_“There is no pressure Cosima, I want to make this enjoyable for you. I’m fine with just cuddling.”_

_“Really?” I asked, eyes wide._

_“Oui, of course.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Let’s just cuddle and see where it goes okay? If you get turned on, we’ll have sex and if you don’t… then we won’t. You’re in charge.”_

_“Okay,” I nodded, taking a deep breath as she scooted closer to me, her fingers stroking the skin of my face, my arms and legs. I gradually relaxed and my hands began to explore her skin as well when I felt comfortable enough to touch her. Our slow breaths turned into soft pants and I took off her t-shirt before I realized it. My eyes roamed over her torso and I let out a soft moan when I took in her bra-clad breasts. Her fingers slipped under the hem of my shirt, lifting it over my belly._

_“Can I take yours off too?”_

_I nodded and allowed her to take the garment off, shivering when she touched my scar._

_“You’re a mom?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“It still looks raw, did you just give birth?”_

_“A little while ago,” I whispered, feeling extremely disgusted with myself all of a sudden. I'm a brand new mom, my baby hasn’t even turned one yet, and I’m lying in the arms of a high class escort, because I’m not strong enough to suppress my sexual needs._

_“How old is your baby?”_

_“Ten months, but let’s not talk about my son okay? Not while we’re doing this. I already feel like the world’s worst mom.”_

_“Okay, I’m sorry,” she apologized in a thick French accent, locking her beautiful hazel eyes on mine. “I’m not really supposed to talk about this, but I’ve another single mom as a client. It’s nothing to feel quilty about.”_

_“Thank you,” I sighed, swallowing back my tears. “Am I allowed to kiss you Louise?”_

_“Oui.”_

_I pressed my mouth against hers, slipping my tongue between her lips and another moan escaped my throat as the taste of wine and French cigarettes filled my taste buds. We kissed for a few minutes, taking off jeans, panties and bras, until we were completely naked and panting on top of each other._

_“Are you still okay with this?” she breathed heavily._

_“Yeah, it feels really good,” I admitted, running my fingers through blonde curls as a blush covered my cheeks. “What about you?”_

_“Hmm,” she hummed, cupping me between my legs. I groaned in response, digging my nails into her shoulders as she added a little more pressure against my flesh._

_“Stop, stop, Louise.”_

_She quickly withdrew her hand, her eyes full of lust as she studied my face._

_“What’s wrong chérie?”_

_“Nothing is wrong,” I whispered, cupping her breasts tentatively before I squeezed the mounds in my palms. It fitted perfectly, making me want to cry as memories flooded my brain. “This is perfect, but I want to ask you something before we continue this.”_

_“Sure.”_

_“Okay,” I started awkwardly, feeling ashamed of myself for even thinking the things I was about to ask her. “Do you like… like… uhm… take client requests?”_

_She raised her eyebrows at me before she composed herself. I bet she didn’t see that question coming from a woman like me._

_“That depends on the request Cosima,” she smiled, gently pulling my left leg over her hip as I lazily caressed her back. “I’m not into the real kinky stuff or unusual fetishes. So, if your request includes something like that, I’ll have to decline.”_

_“What about some kind of roleplay?”_

_The shame I felt in that moment was unbearable, I’ve done some wild things with Shay in the past, but roleplaying wasn’t one of them… I’ve never tried it with anyone before._

_“That’s a little vague, just share your fantasy with me Cosima and I’ll tell you if I’m comfortable with your suggestion. Don’t be embarrassed we all have our fantasies and I’m sure you won’t tell me anything that I haven’t heard before.”_

_“Okay,” I whispered, trying to swallow the disgusting taste that lingered in my mouth. My baby is sleeping in his crib, waiting for me to return home to give him his nighttime feeding. Sarah is babysitting him now… and holy watershed, I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I seriously hope this helps me forget. I’ve had a lot of therapy to process everything that happened. I learned to love myself, I’m happy with how things are right now, I’m perfectly fine with being single for the rest of my life, but there’s just one thing from my past that I can’t let go and I think Louise can help me forget that part._

_“Cosima?”_

_“Right.. uhm.. I want you to pretend that you’re falling for me and you’re very surprised about it, because the thought of being bisexual has never crossed your mind before. I’m just myself in this, just Cosima, so you’re the one who has to do all the roleplaying.”_

_“Okay,” she nodded, blinking her eyes in reassurance. “What kind of role do you want me to play out for you? Give me a little more details.”_

_“The role of a very sweet and gentle woman, but she’s also very self-conscious because she has never been with a woman before,” I explained. “So, this is the first time you’re gonna have sex with a girl. I’m going down on you if that’s okay, and you really enjoy it. You even get emotional, because it’s all so overwhelming.”_

_She gave me a bright smile and nodded before she rolled us over, allowing me to take the lead._

_“That’s cute and harmless. I can certainly do that.”_

_“Good,” I said and started to kiss my way down her body, feeling incredibly relieved with her consent. “One more thing, though,” I continued, tilting my head up to look at her._

_“Oui?”_

_“Would it be okay if I call you by different name, until this is over?”_

_“Of course. It’s your fantasy.”_

_“Awesome,” I grinned, kissing her ribs._

_“Are you going to tell me the name you want me to respond to?”_

_I swallowed thickly as another wave of shame crept up my spine. I hadn’t said the name in years, but much to my surprise, it rolled over my tongue fluently._

_“Delphine.”_


	10. Sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Next chapter is up. Don't expect much :p it's very random and short, because I had difficulty ending the Ed/Delphine relationship. I'm not happy with this one, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. Have a good weekend!

I glanced at my watch for the hundredth time this morning, counting down the minutes until a creaking sound filled my ears. I held my breath, curling my hands around my cup of coffee as my boyfriend walked into the French bistro. I raised my head slowly, waving at him when his eyes darted around the room, looking for me. He looks exhausted, a nervous look plastered on his face, bags under his eyes and there’s a heavy stubble on his jaw, like he hadn’t shaved in days. I finally called him yesterday, a week after our fight, and invited him for coffee to talk things over. I didn’t want to meet him in our apartment and suggested to see each other somewhere on neutral territory.

“Hi babe,” he said, kissing my cheek before he sat down across from me.

_“Bonjour,”_ I whispered before I pointed to his cappuccino. “I already ordered you a coffee.”

“Thank you.”

He added some extra milk into his cup, swirling the coffee with his spoon, before he tilted his head and locked his blue eyes on mine.

“How are you?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly, feeling uncomfortable and nervous.

“Listen Del, I’ve been thinking about us and I really wanna fight for our relationship. I love you babe, you’re the love of my life. I’m convinced that we can work this out.”

“Ed,” I whispered, letting out a deep sigh as I tried to find a way to say the things I wanted to say. “I am…”

“I’ve found a professional therapist honey,” he continued, reaching out to grab my hand. “She’s from Scarborough and has helped a lot of couples with their issues.”

“Ed, I don’t…”

“I can stay at Frank’s parents’ house, they’re on a trip around the world and won’t be back until summer. You can stay in our apartment, but I don’t think it’s wise if we’ll stay in the same house during those therapy sessions. I’ll come back to the apartment when we both feel ready okay?”

“I can’t…”

“Her name is Angela,” he continued, handing me the woman’s business card. “Our first session is scheduled this Thursday around 3 pm.”

“I have a class to teach Ed and I..”

“Take a day off Del. This is important right?”

“No,” I shook my head, finally feeling the courage to say it. “I don’t think therapy is going to help us.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, a shocked expression on his face.

“I don’t want therapy Ed. I don’t want to fight for our relationship.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not in love with you,” I whispered, withdrawing my hand. “Not anymore. I don’t want to continue this Ed. We’re done.”

He gaped at me, his eyes nearly popped out of his head, before he gave me a small smile.

“You don’t know what you’re saying babe. You’re clearly confused.”

“What!” I exclaimed. A blush crept up my neck when a few heads turned into our direction.

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I know perfectly well what I’m saying Ed!,” I hissed, losing my patience. “I’m sorry to disappoint you like this, but we’re over.”

“Why Delphine? Please, give me a chance. I love you babe, we can work this out. I’m sure I can be happy without kids. I just want you. You’re everything I need.”

I hated myself in that moment, hated myself for crushing his heart, for cheating on him, but I really need to do this. I’m not in love with him anymore and there’s no future for us.

“Wait a minute! Is there someone else?” he asked quietly and I quickly averted my eyes from him as the blush on my cheeks grew more pronounced.

“Are you fucking kidding me!” he huffed, making me wince. “Who?! What’s his name?! You can’t possibly be serious Delphine! We just moved here! Do you seriously wanna throw all those years away for a guy you just met? You’ve lost your mind!”

“Ed, it’s not just something.”

“Who is it? Tell me his name.”

I didn’t want to tell him about Cosima, about our relationship in the past, but he has the right to know.

“It’s Cosima,” I whispered, staring at my cup. I couldn’t bear to look at him.

“Cosima?”

_“Oui.”_

“A woman?” he laughed, grabbing my hand again. “Oh sweetheart. You scared me for a sec babe. You could’ve just told me that you’ve made a new friend.”

I snapped my head up, yanking my hand away as my anger reached its boiling point.

“It’s not just a friendship Ed! I love Cosima.”

“ _Nein_ , you don’t love her babe, you’re just a bit confused because you like spending time with her, but that doesn’t mean you love her. Friendships and love are not the same thing sweetheart. I know it’s hard for you to separate those two things, because you’re not very familiar with deep and meaningful friendships, but that’s exactly what this is, a deep and meaningful friendship and nothing more.”

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. Not familiar with serious friendships? I know he doesn’t mean it like… in a bad way, but it still hurts. I’ve had a couple friends in university, but nothing… meaningful. _Merde_ , I guess he’s right, but that doesn’t mean he’s right about my feelings for Cosima. I think I need to be more clear.

“I’m sorry to tell you this, I wanted to spare you the details, but you’re clearly not getting it. I kissed Cosima and we slept together Ed.”

I looked him straight in the eye and saw a hint of confusion in his blue irises as he studied my face.

“Oh… okay...but that still doesn’t mean anything Delphine. I’ve slept with a bunch of girls while I was in college, but that doesn’t automatically mean I loved them all, quite the contrary actually,” he chuckled at his own joke. “You and Cosima are probably both bi-curious and you want to be curious together and experiment a little, explore new territory. That’s perfectly fine with me if that’s what you need right now babe. We can discuss this with Angela okay? It’s just a phase, it will be over when it’s not as new and exciting anymore.”

“It’s not new Ed!” I shouted, the couple next to us gave us an angry glare and I quickly apologized. _Merde_ , maybe meeting at a public place wasn’t such a good idea.

“What do you mean?”

“Cosima and I,” I whispered, clutching the cup of coffee in my hands. “We were together seven years ago, during the time I worked for DYAD. We were in love, she was my girlfriend and I’m falling for her again. I love her Ed, and she loves me.”

He swallowed thickly and clenched his fists as his face grew red with anger. I averted my gaze from him, not wanting to see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes.

“You dated a woman before you met me? What the fuck Delphine!”

“I’m sorry I haven’t told you,” I said, my voice shaking with emotion. I can’t cry right now. I don’t have the right to.

“You’re sorry? That’s all you can say? Fuck Delphine, you’re completely insane.”

“What do you want me to say Ed?”

“Tell me more about this dyke who loves to lick my girl’s pussy,” he growled, slamming the palm of his hand against the table.

“ED! Don’t insult her!”

“You’re already getting defensive over her?” he spat, laughing sarcastically. “Where does this Cosima live?”

“Wh..what?” I stammered, completely caught off guard by his question. “Why?”

“So, I can pay her a visit Del! So, I can confront her with her actions. You don’t fuck a woman who is already taken, taken by a man no less! Who does she think she is? Don’t even think of flirting with a woman who already has a boyfriend, that’s lesson number one and I don’t think Cosima is aware of that rule, maybe someone needs to tell her.”

A wave of panic rushed through my body when the threat left Ed’s mouth. He can’t be serious right?

“Don’t you threaten Cosima” I hissed, crossing my arms over my chest. “Seriously Ed, if something ever happens to her, I’ll be paying _you_ a visit.”

“Big mouth Cormier,” he smiled maliciously, glancing at his watch before he stood up. “I’ve a meeting. We’re over Delphine. The apartment is mine, I’m the one who paid for it. You’ll have three weeks to pack your stuff, find a place to live and get the hell out of there.”

“Excuse me?” I laughed. “I don’t have anywhere to go Ed! I can’t go to Viv, I have classes to teach.”

“Go to your girlfriend or book a hotel. I really don’t care.”

I slumped back in my seat, completely dumbfounded and in shock, my eyes following him as he walked away from me.

* * *

 

_My eyes flew open and I gasped for breath, feeling dizzy and disorientated. My body feels like it has been run over by a truck, the pain in my lower abdomen is unbearable, but something is missing…there’s no movement… no kicks. I reached under the blankets and touched my flat belly, realizing that it wasn’t round and big anymore. My hands threw the blankets aside and my heart began to race when I saw the hospital gown that covered my naked body. I lifted the fabric over my thighs ans hips, exposing my belly to the sterile air that lingered in the hospital room, and let out another gasp when I noticed a wound on my lower abdomen, held together with stitches, a spot of dried up blood above my pubic bone. I turned my head to the left and got a glimpse of my sister behind the window, talking to two tall doctors in white coats. Pure panic rushed through me and my heart was pounding against my ribcage. I didn’t think when I yanked the IV-line out of my hand, wincing in pain when the needle left my vain. I jumped to my feet, ignoring the excruciating pain in my belly and between my legs, as I ran towards the door._

_“SARAH!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, making her turn around instantly. “THEY TOOK HIM!”_

_“COS!” she shouted, running into my direction, a look of utter shock on her face._

_I burst out crying and clutched my belly in my hands before my body collapsed to the ground. The two men Sarah had been talking to scooped me off the floor and I don’t know how, but I found the strength to kick one of them in the groin. He howled in pain, stumbling backwards as his coworker pushed the alarm button in my room._

_“Cos,” Sarah whispered, lowering herself to the ground to meet my bewildered gaze. “Go back to bed, you just had a major surgery.”_

_“NO! THEY TOOK MY BABY!”_

_“Cosima, please,” she begged, tears streaming down her cheeks at my complete distress. “You need to listen to me. Go back to bed.”_

_“NO! You need to listen to me Sarah,” I cried, grabbing her shoulders, shaking her roughly. “They took my baby, look.”_

_I lifted my hospital gown and pointed at the raw wound on my lower abdomen, a few of the stitches came loose when I jumped out of bed, but that wasn’t my main concern._

_“My baby,” I sobbed, digging my nails into the sensitive skin of my belly. “They cut him out of me and they’re gonna euthanize him Sarah. We need to safe him.”_

_I crawled the the door, reached for the door handle, and pulled myself up. My legs began to move, running off in a random direction, but I didn’t make it far, because two men grabbed my arms and dragged me back to that damn hospital bed._

_“NO!” I screamed, high on an adrenaline rush, while I kicked my legs in the air, but the men were a lot stronger and my body became limp in their arms, completely exhausted._

_“Cosima,” Sarah cooed, stroking my forehead as I relaxed into the mattress. “Everything is fine. Your boy is in good hands love.”_  
  


_“NO! They’re going to euthanize him Sarah!”_

_“This is your trauma talking Cos, stop it. Please trust me.”_

_“NO! I never gave permission for any of this. It’s my body Sarah, and they cut my baby out of me without my consent.”_

_“No sweetheart, they didn’t, see that tub over there?” she asked calmly, pointing to the corner of the room. “You’ve had a very peaceful waterbirth Cos, just like you wanted, very serene and relaxed. It all went smoothly.”_

_I blinked a few times, staring at my clone’s face in disbelief, as if she were making it all up to make me feel better._

_“They didn’t cut him out?”_

_“No, you pushed that boy out of your twat honey. That was the plan right? For science remember?” she laughed, squeezing my hand in reassurance. “You have that wound because the uterus didn’t contract on its own after you delivered the placenta. You were losing a lot of blood, so they brought you into the operating room and removed it.”_

_“Did they remove my ovaries too?” I aksed, holding my breath. It’s been years ago since I cured all the Ledas around the world, but three of them were diagnosed with ovarian cancer in the past year and it could be a coincidence, but I’m not convinced. It has nothing to do with the cure itself, but I suspect that it’s yet another unforeseen consequence of making us infertile… a consequence the treatment didn’t cure. I already knew my doctors had to remove the uterus and cervix after the birth, but I begged them to remove my ovaries too when Art told me about those three Ledas._

_“Yeah they did. That’s the last thing you screamed before they put you under sedation.”_

_“Good,” I sighed, guinenly relieved. I know the recovery is going to be hard, but that could wait until later. Slowly, a few images of the past hours came back to me… me sitting in that tub, wearing my ex-lover’s grey sportsbra she had left behind in Revival, Sarah massaging my back, the crowning… oh my God, the crowning. I shuddered at the memory as a slight blush colored my cheeks._

_“Did I scream a lot?” I asked tentatively, knowing how traumatizing it can be when a woman screams in pain during delivery._

_“No, I’ve never seen a woman so calm and relaxed during childbirth Cosima, you breathed your way through it all. You only screamed once when the baby was crowning.”_

_I let out a chuckle, rubbing my flat belly when a sharp pain shot through me. “I was just thinking about that part.”_

_“You’re remembering?”_

_“Yeah, it’s slowly coming back to me. Give me a few hours and I’m sure I’ll remember everything.”_

_“Good,” she whispered, leaning in to press a kiss against my cheek. “I’m so proud of you. You’re such a strong woman. Hugo is so lucky to have you as your mum.”_

_“Thanks Sarah,” I blushed, still not used to my new role. “Can I see him?”_

_“Yes, but only if you’re going to use a wheelchair.”_

_I nodded reluctantly, allowing the two doctors to put me into the chair. Sarah pushed me down the hall while I peeked into the other rooms. New mothers cuddling their babies and pregnant women rubbing their swollen bellies, waiting for their bundle of joy to arrive. I never ever thought I would find myself in this place. I wonder what my parents would think of this. Would they be proud of me? Would they approve of my decision to become a single mom? I desperately need my mom in this stage of my life, I don’t know how to be a good mother and I don’t know anything about boys… I really need my dad too._

_“Here we are,” Sarah said happily, pushing me into a room that was located at the neonatology unit, while I quickly wiped my tears. Eight babies. Eight sleeping babies in plastic bassinets with little colorful identification bracelets around their tiny wrist. I quickly scanned their chubby faces and clapped my hands in excitement, looking like a childs myself, when I spotted the infant that belonged to me. I suddenly remembered the moment he left my body and I pulled him out of the water, tears streaming down my face while I kissed his soft cheek, studying him intently as he filled his tiny lungs with oxygen for the very first time._

_“Can I hold him?”_

_“Sure,” the nurse nodded, gently lifting my son out of his bassinet before she placed him into my waiting arms. Sarah quickly took his wristband between her thumb and index finger, reading his name to make sure I was holding the right baby. Hugo Niehaus. I smiled to myself, of course I had recognized my son correctly._

_“Sorry. They all look a like,” Sarah mumbled, a blush creeping up her face._

_“I’ll make sure he’ll get transferred to your room now that you’re awake Cosima,” the nurse smiled, patting my shoulder._

_“Thank you so much.”_

_I traced my finger over his full lips, his tiny nose and long eyelashes before I stroked the dark curls that covered his small head._

_“He’s so handsome Sarah. So much hair. I can’t believe we made this,” I beamed, kissing his tiny ear._

_“Woah Cos! Don’t say that. It sounds creepy and insane.”_

_“But he’s here because of your help.”_

_“But I didn’t make him, you did,” she chuckled, amused with my highly emotional state._

_“Have you thought about his middle name?” I asked, brushing my fingers over my baby’s bare chest._

_“I can’t believe you’re giving me the honor of choosing his middle name Cos,” she said quietly, her voice shaking with emotion. I tilted my head back and gave her a bright grin._

_“It’s the least I can do Sarah.”_

_“Elias,” she whispered, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. “It goes well with Hugo, don’t you think?”_

_“You wanna name him after Beth?” I asked tentatively, even though I already knew the answer to that question._

_“Yes. He’s born on her birthday and she meant a lot to us. It fits perfectly.”_

_“I love it sestra,” I smiled, squeezing her hand before I shifted my attention back to the little person in my arms…_

“Delphine,” I moaned as I opened my eyes and slowly regained consciousness. The hand that stroked my arm to wake me up from my dream suddenly came to a halt and slapped my bare skin a second later.

“Oi Cos!” she said, sounding offended. “Don’t think about your girlfriend when I’m lying next to you in your bed. I’ll have to find myself another place to crash if you keep doing that.”

“I’m sorry Sarah,” I snickered, turning around to face her. “You could’ve gone home if you didn’t drink so much… and Delphine is not my girlfriend.”

“But you want her to be.”

“Hmm.”

“Have you written or called her already?”

“No.”

“Cosima, come on. It’s been two weeks and you know what your heart wants love.”

I merely nodded before I turned around again, sleep washing over me when memories of Delphine swirled around in my mind.

* * *

 

I slowly opened my eyes when I heard the front door of the apartment open. It’s been almost three weeks since Ed give me an ultimatum, but I still have one day. One day to pack my stuff and find myself a place to live… _c'est impossible._

“Ed?” I asked in a confused voice. He’s not going to kick me out right now, is he? _Merde_.

The door that seperated the livingroom from the hallway swung open and a dark-haired woman marched in, locking her beautiful eyes on mine as she knelt down in front of me.

“Hi Del, how are you feeling honey?” she whispered tenderly, stroking my cheek with her thumb.

Her angelic voice, her presence, her warm blue eyes, her concern… it made me cry instantly. I let out a loud wail and buried my face in my hands, allowing her to take me into her arms.

“Sweetheart,” she cooed, tucking a curl behind my ear. “Don’t cry. He’s not worth it.”

“I know Viv, but I don’t know what to do. Dan gave me a month off, because of this, but I still have to come back next week and I don’t have a place to live. I can book a hotel, but for how long? I don’t have the income to…” I couldn’t finish my sentence, because another sob escaped my throat, my diaphragm contracting with every inhale.

“Have you packed your bags yet?”

I shook my head, not even bothering to wipe my tears. Vivienne stood up and walked over to kitchen to pour me a glass of water.

“We’re gonna grab your things Del and we’ll leave tomorrow.”

I almost choked on the water, coughing to clear my windpipe.

“What?”

“Robert and I… you can stay at our house. You’ll have all the time you need to find yourself an apartment. No rush.”

“I can’t Viv! I have a job here.”

“Quit! Claire arranged a lecturing job for you at NYU. You can start this Monday.”

“ _Mon Dieu_ ,” I gasped, “I… I can’t.”

“Why? You have nothing here Delphine. There’s no reason to stay.”

“Cosima,” I whispered quietly, averting my gaze.

“Cosima? Come on Delphine! Don’t be naive. You haven’t spoken to her in how long? A month?”

_“Oui.”_

“That’s a clear message sis! She’s not going to forgive you. You need to get your priorities straight. Come with me, start your new job at NYU on Monday.”

“She has sent me a letter Viv,” I sighed, a blush covering my cheeks before I opened my handbag and took out the envelope. “A week ago.”

“A week ago? Delphine! Did you respond?”

_“Non.”_

“Why?”

“Because of her kid! I’m so scared.”

My sister rolled her eyes at me while I unfolded the piece of paper and another cry erupted from my chest as Cosima’s messy handwriting danced in front of my eyes.

“You want me to read it to you?” I asked, trying to get my emotions under control.

“Yeah, of course,” she smiled, squeezing my knee affectionately as I cleared my throat.

“ _Dear Delphine_ ,” I began, my heart swelling with love when I took in the handwritten letters of my name. _“I’ve been thinking about you… about us…like… a lot over the past three weeks, and I’m sorry for not writing or calling you sooner, but I needed time. I haven’t seen you around campus all those weeks and I’m worried about you. I hope everything is okay and that your boyfriend didn’t kill you and dumped your body in a swamp or something. Anyway, I miss you, I miss you and I’m so in love with you. I’ve had a lot of conversations about us with my sister and it made my realize that I want to be with you, even though you really crushed my heart again._

I swallowed thickly and took a deep breath as a single tear escaped the corner of my eye.

_“We only have one life Delphine and I don’t know how much time we have left. We could be dead by tomorrow, or in ten years… or when we’re ninety and old and drooling, but I can’t bear the thought of living the rest of my life without you. I want to give you another chance and I hope you’re willing to give me one too. I haven’t been honest with you either right? I know you’re hesitant, because there’s a kid involved, but maybe I should tell you a little more about my son._

_His name is Hugo and he’ll turn two on April 1st. He’s a very affectionate, sweet and curious kid, very intelligent and obsessed with books. He loves it when I’m reading him stories, loves dancing and playing with his blocks or going to the playground. He’s the baby in our weird little family so everyone spoils him rotten. He loves all the sestras, but Alison is his absolute favorite. Charlotte babysits him a lot. I’m very grateful for her support and she’s happy to do it because I’m paying for her violin lessons as a thank you. Allright… I’m not sure if you want to know more about him, but you probably have a few questions, so maybe you should come to my place to meet my little man and I can answer all the questions you have. Let’s make a new start Delphine, start over and take it slow. I really hope you’ll give me and my child a chance._

_Give me a call okay?_

_Love,_

_Cosima_

_PS: you can ignore this letter if you and your boyfriend have decided to fight for each other. X._

I looked up from her letter and locked eyes with my sister, raising my eyebrows at her as I waited for her repsonse.

“Wow,” she whispered, eyes wide. “This woman is so in love with you Del. My God. She’s giving you another chance, that’s great isn’t it? She must be very forgiving. She doesn’t sound like the woman you dated seven years ago. I guess she has changed a lot and I really want to meet her now.”

“I’m in love with her too Viv.”

“But you haven’t called her yet?”

_“Non.”_

“Are you insane?”

“I’m scared. I want to meet her son, I really do, but what if he hates me? I’m sure it will influence how Cosima sees me, maybe she’ll hate me too.”

“You sound like a kid yourself Del! Just bring a small present and you’ll be amazed.”

“Really?” It can’t possibly be this simple right?

“Of course, he’s barely two years old. Just give him something to play with and you’ll be fine.”

“But it doesn’t matter if I’m moving to New York. We can’t take it slow and see each other frequently if I’m coming with you.”

“Uhm,” she said and I could literally make out the confusion in her face. “Yeah, you’re right. Shit.”

“I can’t call her Vivienne. It will give her hope and I’m going to break her heart again if I’ll leave.”

“Call her tomorrow, when we’re at my place” she shrugged, standing up before she took my hand and dragged me into the bedroom. I can’t do this to Cosima. I know my sister is worried about me, but I can’t leave Toronto without telling Cosima. I don’t even _want_ to go with Vivienne, but there’s no better option. We gathered my belongings and carried five different suitcases into the livingroom, sweating like pigs when we were finally done.

“My God,” Vivienne sighed, wiping the sweat from her forehead. “You should take a shower Delphine, and I’m going to the grocery store to buy us some food. You’re hungry?”

_“Oui,”_ I nodded, trying to catch my breath as sweat trickled down my back. This will give me the perfect opportunity to call Cosima in private, tell her what happened between me and Ed, and that my abrupt departure has nothing to do with her.

“You’re welcome little sister,” she smiled before she turned around and left the apartment.

I collapsed on the couch and took off my sneakers, longing for a hot shower after I lifted my arm to smell my armpit. _Merde_. I could hear footsteps in the hallway and let out a soft chuckle. Vivienne is so forgetful, she must have forgotten her wallet or something.

“Delphine?” a raspy voice filled my ears and a gasp escaped my mouth when a short woman with dreads and a white coat entered the livingroom. “Sorry, the front door was open.”

She glanced around the room, focusing her eyes on the five blue suitcases next to the couch.

“Uhm,” she whispered, pointing at my travel bags, her brows furrowed in utter confusion. “Are you leaving?”

 


	11. Enchanté

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, next chapter is up :D The medical aspect in this chapter probably makes no sense, but I did my best okay? :P I'm not a medical student :).

“He kicked you out?” she huffed, her hands fisted at her side. “That's like totally disrespectful.”

I merely nodded, staring at the floor beneath my feet, hoping it would open up and swallow me whole.

“Call him Delphine!”

“W..what?” I stuttered, snapping my head up to look at her.

“You can’t do such thing to the woman you love. I wanna tell him in person, so I can teach him some manners. Did his mother never teach him how to treat women? Holy shit.”

“Cosima, that’s not a good idea.”

_Mon Dieu_ , Ed and Cosima in this apartment, confronting each other with their behavior? That’s not going to end well… for Cosima. Ed scared me when he threatened me to hurt Cosima. I never really thought of him as a violent person, but his words keep swirling around in my head. I just have this strange feeling and I can’t find words to describe it.

“What’s the plan Delphine?”

“I…” I started, hoping she wasn’t going to be angry at me again. “Vivienne… she wants to take me to New York, so I can live with them and find myself an apartment.”

“WHAT!” she shrieked, raising her eyebrows in shock. “Are you kidding me? What about your job?”

“My niece arranged a job for me at NYU.”

“And you said yes,” she stated flatly, glancing at my suitcases. “Awesome.”

“I don’t want this either. I wanna stay here. I love my current job.”

“Stay here if that’s what you want!”      

“I can’t.”

“Why?” she asked, raising her voice again. She’s obviously growing frustrated with me. 

“I don’t have a place to live. I can’t find an apartment in one day Cosima.”

“Can’t you stay at one of your friends?”

_“Non,”_ I whispered, blushing furiously. Wow, this is embarrassing. I bet Cosima has lots of friends. Friends who, without a doubt, would offer her a place to sleep if she were in my position. She never really had many friends in the past, because of her high intelligence and social and emotional difficulties, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s learned how to make them and knows how to engage in social interactions. She did pretty good with Veronica and the other women at the New Year’s reception back in January.

“You haven’t found someone yet who gets you? Like on an intellectual level? Someone other than me?” she asked, softening her tone.

“ _Non_. I get along with Dan, but he’s my boss Cosima. That’s weird.”

“Right,” she sighed, nibbling on her bottom lip while her fingers fumbled with the top button of her coat. She parted her lips to speak, but closed them almost immediately, furrowing her brow in deep thought.

“What is it?”

“You can stay with me for a while, until you’ve found yourself a new apartment?” she offered, hands gesturing wildly. “I mean… I know it’s not the most ideal situation, but I don’t want you to leave.”

Stay with her? In her house? Her safe haven, her intimate bubble in which she raises her toddler?

“That’s really kind of you Cosima, and I don’t want to leave you either,” I smiled, trying to keep it cool while my heart rate sped up and my body began to sweat again. “But you wanted to take things slow remember? And what about your son? I don’t want to invade your privacy.”

“We’ll manage, we can always try to take it slow right? I have a guestroom,” she blushed, assuming I was referring to the intimate aspect of our bond, which I wasn’t. I was talking about going on dates, slowly reconnecting, instead of living together just six weeks after we ran into each other at a party.

“And Hugo and I can stay at Alison’s or Sarah’s a few nights a week if you want to be alone. You’re not invading our privacy Delphine. I’m not sure how my son is going to react to a stranger in our house, but he’ll adapt,” she continued, putting an end to my thoughts.

I didn’t want to say no, I want to stay in Toronto, enjoy Cosima’s company and allow myself to be in love without the pressure of calling it an official relationship, but living with her so soon after what happened during our study trip… that’s doomed to fail. We’re still trying to get to know each other all over again and Cosima is the one who has changed the most. I still have a lot of rediscovering to do when it comes to her personality.

“Delphine,” Cosima whispered, sensing my hesitation. “We’ll make it work okay? We’re both adults right? We’ll find you a place to live, but until then, please stay with me. Dan’s never gonna let you go anyway.”

“I… I don’t know,” I sighed, running my fingers through my hair in frustration.

“Is this about my son?”

“He’s a child Cosima, I’m gonna turn his whole life upside down.”

“You’re exaggerating,” she laughed, sitting down next to me before she took my hand in hers, playing with my fingers. “I don’t know how he’s gonna react at first, but I’m sure he’ll love you. You just need to give it some time.”

“Maybe.”

“You’ve got a better plan? You rather leave with your sister?”

_“Non.”_ I shook my head vigorously. That’s the last thing I want.

“Then you only have one option.”

She’s right. Of course she’s right. She always is.

“But don’t you think it’s a bit fast? We haven’t seen each other in nearly seven years, we don’t really know each other anymore and I don’t want to ruin this thing we have, whatever it is.”

“I know,” she nodded, stroking my arm before she curled her fingers around the back of my neck, circling my skin with her thumb. “It’s not an ideal situation for reconnecting ex-lovers, but there’s no alternative. I mean, I don’t know how much Dan pays you, but spending it on hotel rooms would be stupid when I’m offering you a place to sleep.”

I swallowed thickly, genuinely grateful for her help, and couldn’t control my instincts when I felt Cosima’s warm mouth press against my cheek. I turned my head to the side and claimed her lips with mine, kissing it possessively as I cupped her face in my hands. A soft moan reached my ears, spurring me on as I grabbed her shoulders, pushing her gently down on the couch.

“That’s a yes?” she asked, a huge grin plastered on her face as her fingers found their way into my curls.

_“Oui,”_ I smiled, hovering over her as I leaned down to kiss her again, nibbling on her bottom lip to tease her a little before I pushed my tongue inside her mouth, moaning when she began to kiss me back with the same enthusiasm.

“Ehm,” an angelic voice filled the room, making us pull apart. I quickly stood up and Cosima pulled herself up into a sitting position, a furious flush covering her cheeks.

“Hello,” Vivienne smiled, walking up to my lover to shake her hand. “You must be Cosima.”

“I…I...” Cosima stuttered. “That’s me, enchantée.”

Vivienne shifted her eyes between Cosima and me, waiting for a further explanation.

“Cosima just offered me a place to sleep.”

“Hmm,” she responded, walking over to the kitchen to fill my fridge.

“Look Vivienne, I know this is far from ideal, but I’m really in love with your sister,” Cosima said, standing up as well. “I don’t want her to leave, not now we’re…”

“I understand,” my sister answered, giving Cosima a sweet smile. “I’m not forcing Delphine to come with me if she wants to stay with you. It’s her choice.”

“Really?” we asked in unision, both surprised by my sister’s response.

“Sure. I mean, why not?”

 “O..okay,” Cosima nodded, fumbling with the scarf around her neck. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow Delphine. I’ll make sure the guestroom is ready.”

_“Merci.”_

She gave me an awkward wave and a huge smile, before she made her way into the hallway, closing the door behind her.

“No kiss? Guestroom?” Vivienne teased, winking at me.

“Shut up.”

“No, seriously Delphine, do you think this is a good idea?”

“I don’t know. It gives me a little more time to find an apartment right?”

“Right,” she nodded, pouring us a glass of wine. “A lot has changed sweetheart. She’s not the woman you fell in love with all those years ago. She’s a mother now, her son will always come first. She’ll protect and defend him like a lioness Delphine. Trust me, I know how it works.”

“Not every woman turns into a fierce and protective lioness when she becomes a mother,” I snickered, taking a sip of my wine. “Mom wasn’t like that.”

“Oh honey, Cosima isn’t anything like Yvette. Her baby is her life, you can see it in her eyes, she gives off a certain vibe.”

I nodded knowingly, thinking of our coffee date in Ottawa last month. Cosima looked so comfortable, interacting with that little girl. I still feel stupid when I think about that particular moment. I’m scared to meet her son, but I’m also looking forward to see Cosima interact with him, see how she fulfills the mother role. I can’t picture it yet and I also wonder what kind of mother she is. I guess she’s very patient, loving and nurturing.

“Never in a million years did I expect this you know? My little sister fucking a hot milf.”

“VIV!” I yelled, slapping her arm. 

“What? She’s hot right?”

_“Oui,”_ I smiled dreamily.

“You can always come to New York Delphine, when it’s not working between you two,” she said, “You’re always welcome, our door is always open.”

“ _Merci_ Viv,” I whispered, feeling incredibly blessed for having a big sister like her.

* * *

 

What am I doing? What have I gotten myself into? Why couldn’t I just go with Vivienne this morning? _Merde._ Vivienne and I went to a huge toy store last night, to buy a small present for Cosima’s son. I hope I can impress him with the book we’ve picked out, a picture book about farm animals. I’m not sure if he’ll like it, because there is a slight chance that this book won’t challenge his intellect. He’s Cosima’s child after all, she could read at the age of two. Her son will probably grow bored with this book in no time. I still don’t know what he looks like and I can’t wait to find out.

“Here we go,” I whispered to myself as I parked the car in front of her garage. I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for a situation I couldn’t prepare for and reached for the door handle before I slowly stepped out of the vehicle. I carried my handbag over my shoulder, my heels clicking on the concrete driveway as I walked up to the front door. Cosima texted me this morning to ask me if I could knock instead of ring the door bell, because the high sound of it upsets her kid.

I could feel my hands grow sweaty and my heart began to beat furiously as my brain tried to come up with an escape route. I don’t know for how long I stood there, waiting for Cosima to welcome me inside her home. I was about to knock again when she suddenly opened the front door of her house.

“Hi Delphine,” she said, grinning madly. “Come in. Do you need help with your stuff?”

_Mon Dieu_ , she looks amazing in her dark turtleneck, printed miniskirt and heeled ankle boots. My eyes studied her face and I licked my lips when I glanced at her inviting mouth. Her dreads are pulled up in a big messy bun and I felt the urge to reach out and touch them or bury my nose into her hair to inhale the familiar lavender scent.

“Delphine? Do you need help with your stuff?”

“ _Non_. It’s still in the car. I’ll take it out later.”

“Okay,” she shrugged, stepping aside to let me in. I followed her into the living room, smiling when I spotted the familiar massive bookcase that was placed against a wall. Her house doesn’t look anything like her apartment in Minneapolis. This interior is calmer, warmer and modern.

“I know it’s not really what you expected. It’s not my kind of style,” she chuckled, making me turn around. “Alison furnished it when I was in San Fran for my parents’ funeral. I wanted to change it at first, but now I’m glad I didn’t, because this doesn’t overwhelm Hugo as much as my personal taste and style would do.”

I nodded in affirmation, knowing exactly what she meant. I really liked her apartment back in Minnesota, but this house is nice too, especially for a child.

“Is that?” I asked, pointing at the Persian rug in front of the fireplace, my eyes widening with amusement and surprise.

“Yeah, that’s the rug from my lab. I couldn't bear to throw it away, too many good memories,” she winked, making me blush. I glanced around the living room and noticed a huge colorful painting above the fireplace. It took me a few seconds to realize what I was actually looking at. A painting of a naked woman, lying down in a field with a graceful white swan positioned between her legs.

“Cool isn’t it?” she whispered from behind me. “I asked Fee to paint it for me.”

It’s definitely not a painting I would hang in my living room, because it’s a little provocative, but it really suits her.

“It’s perfect.”

“I know right? There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman’s naked body portrayed in art if you ask me. It’s so pure.”

“When did you become interested in art?” I wondered aloud, unbuttoning my coat.

“I don’t know to be honest. I just love how passionate Felix is about his paintings, and his work stirs my emotions.”

I glanced over my shoulder and looked at the ridiculous amount of toys in the corner of the room. I shuffled towards a play kitchen, tracing my fingers over the wood and pursed my lips together when a wave of emotion rushed through my body. It’s real… it’s definitely real. Cosima is a mother and it’s making me feel… things. Things I can’t put into words yet, I’m not even sure if these feelings are positive or negative.

“That’s his favorite,” she smiled. “Donnie made it for him.”

“He’s got so many toys,” I stated, a little shocked by the amount of blocks, dolls, books, jigsaw puzzles, plastic trucks, trains, planes and cars. “I’ve never seen so many toys for just one kid.”

“Yes. It’s getting a little out of hand, but I’m still learning Delphine.”

I tilted my head to the side, but Cosima didn’t meet my gaze and kept staring at her son’s toys.

“Learning?”

“Hmm,” she hummed, nibbling on her bottom lip. “I want him to be happy and I never really had toys when I was younger. I never learned how to play and I don’t know how many toys a two-year-old boy really needs. I am not trying to spoil him or anything, I just have no clue what’s normal.”

Her words shattered my heart and a feeling of sadness unfolded in my chest as she picked up one of the stuffed animals from the floor, rubbing its soft head with her thumb. Her parents never allowed her to be a child, but wanted her to focus on her future career from an early age.

“I’m sure you’re a great mom Cosima,” I whispered, touching her upper arm to give her some reassurance. She slightly nodded, biting on her trembling lip before I quickly changed the topic of our conversation, not wanting to see her cry.

“So, where is the owner of all these toys?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“Upstairs,” she smiled proudly, pointing to the ceiling. “He’s taking his afternoon nap. I can wake him up if you want to meet him.”

“Oh _non, non_. Let him sleep.”

I don’t like to admit it, but I’m feeling quite relieved. I can spend some time alone with Cosima, ask her a few questions and relax a little before I have to impress this little guy _and_ his mother.

“Allright,” she shrugged before she turned around and walked into the kitchen. “Tea or coffee Delphine?”

“Tea sounds nice,” I answered as I automatically shuffled towards the giant bookcase. It’s filled with study books, scientific magazines and old children’s books, probably from Cosima’s own childhood. I guess the middle shelf is for pictures only. There are a few pictures of her sisters, one of Felix and Cosima, a few of her nieces and nephews, one of her parents, her grandparents, and one of a newborn baby. I’m not sure if that’s her son or if it’s Cosima herself. I reached out to examine it more closely, but my eyes suddenly fell on a picture of a young girl, around the age of five, sitting in a chair. She’s smiling proudly, flashing a toothy grin at the camera as she cradled a baby in her chubby arms. A baby with blue lips, closed eyes and a lifeless expression on his face. _Mon Dieu._ I let out a gasp and immediately realized that this is the picture she was talking about during that fancy dinner in Ottawa. It looks surreal, cruel almost, Cosima smiling like that with a stillborn baby in her arms, too young to understand what was going on.

“Delphine,” Cosima called from the kitchen. “Alison brought me a homemade apple pie yesterday. You want some?”

“ _N…non_. Thank you,” I stuttered as I picked up another picture frame, glancing at the five clones staring back at me. I guess it’s taken at a formal party, because all of them are dressed in beautiful dresses, even Sarah. Cosima’s eyes are sparkling behind her glasses, smiling broadly, her right hand protectively placed on her belly… her pregnant belly. Tears welled up in my eyes as the indescribable feeling washed over me again, confusing me immensely. I wasn’t there during the most beautiful time of her life, I wasn’t there when she gave birth. I never had the opportunity to rub or kiss that belly and it feels as if I’ve lost something. I traced my finger over the scientist’s face, over her protruding belly, and I almost dropped the picture when she touched my shoulder.

“S…sorry, I was a little curious. I’m sorry Cosima.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” she chuckled, tucking a curl behind my ear. “Ugly picture isn’t it? All the sestras look so beautiful, except me. I look like a huge fat whale with swollen feet.”

“You look amazing in this picture. So beautiful.”

“I was so angry with Fee for getting married when I was about to give birth. It was an amazing day, but very uncomfortable and exhausting for me,” she laughed, sitting down on the couch.

“Felix is married?” I asked in surprise. That doesn’t sound like him.

“Yes, shocking isn’t it? He’s married to Colin. The attendant at the morgue where Beth’s body was…” she explained, swallowing as she thought of her deceased sister. I sat down next to her, reached out and squeezed her knee affectionately as I gave her a sweet smile.

“Cosima, I hope I’m not crossing any lines with this question, but I assume that the treatment cured your infertility? I mean… how did you found out you were able to get pregnant?”

She took a sip of her tea, staring into my eyes before she took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak.

“Well,” she started, tracing her finger along the rim of her cup. “I felt so much better right away, I didn’t have those coughing fits anymore and my body wasn’t as weak and tired as it used to be. After a few months, my period came back and was less irregular, the bleeding got heavier and went on for a few days. I used to have light spotting only three times a year since I was thirteen... before I got sick, but you already knew that, because… you were my monitor and studied all my medical records.”

My thumb began to stroke her knee, encouraging her to keep talking, while I tried to ignore the accusation that just left her mouth.

“I didn’t really give it much attention and just enjoyed the fact that I was menstruating regularly just like any other healthy woman, but I gradually realized that I was developing the desire to become a mother myself, to take care of a child.”

“So, the cure gave you new feelings? Like you told me in that coffee shop?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, breaking eye contact as she licked her bottom lip. “And I think it has something to do with my parents’ death as well.”

“What do you mean?”

“Delphine, I’m an orphan now, of course I have my sestras, but there was nothing that was mine. I suddenly felt this strong biological urge to pass on my genes and intellect. I wanted take full advantage of my unexpected fertility and the desire to have a baby only grew stronger. After three years, I finally contacted a fertility specialist when I couldn’t suppress my feelings any longer.”

She took another sip of her tea and curled her fingers around mine, squeezing gently before she locked her enchanting brown eyes on mine.

“Doctor White did a few test and confirmed what I already knew. The quality of my eggs had improved dramatically with the treatment. I was so happy, but he also told me that I still wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and it crushed my heart Delphine. I never really wanted children, but developed some serious maternal feelings after I was cured. My eggs were quite healthy and I was ovulating, but I would never have a child of my own, no little person with my genes. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so angry and devastated in my life.”

I felt my heartbeat quicken and almost panicked again. Vivienne was right, Cosima is very maternal. I’ve never realized it myself, but she is… and it scares me. It scares me so much, that I’m having second thoughts about my decision to stay with her. 

“It was because of your uterus wasn’t it?” I asked quickly. Yes, good thinking Delphine, keep talking about the medical part of this and avoid all those feelings and emotions.

“Yes. You’ve seen the number and size of the polyps on my uterine wall.”

 “But how did you get pregnant eventually?”

“With Sarah’s help,” she whispered, averting her gaze as a flush crept up her neck.

“Sarah?”

“I felt intensely sad and experienced a strange feeling of loss for like a year, even though I didn’t really lose anything,” she chuckled, trying to keep it light. “We were at the girls’ school when I completely lost is because of a question someone asked me. Charlotte, Kira and Gemma were performing a Christmas play for God’s sake. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“What happened Cosima?” I asked quietly, stroking the back of her hand with my thumb.

“I uhm… I was talking to Helena and Sarah afterwards, when one of the other moms walked up to us, congratulating the girls’ with their performance before she introduced herself to me and asked me which of the fifty children was mine.”

“Oh my God,” I sighed, knowing how upsetting that question can be, for different reasons of course, but that doesn’t matter. I’ve never fully understood why people always automatically assume that you’re parent once you’ve reached your thirties.

“Yeah, I couldn’t take it anymore Delphine. I don’t remember the words I screamed in that poor woman’s face, but Sarah dragged me out of the building and pushed me into her car. I cried hysterically that night and the next morning, when I was a lot calmer, Sarah began to talk about uterine transplants. She had read about those on the internet and couldn’t stop thinking about it. We discussed it for the next three months or so and well… I’m a mother now. Obvs.”

“ _Mon Dieu,”_ I gasped, almost dropping my cup of tea to the floor when I realized what she was actually telling me. I love Vivienne a lot, but I can’t imagine doing something like that… or maybe I would… I don’t know. “Sarah loves you so much Cosima. You mean the world to her.”

“I know,” she whispered, wiping away a single tear. “I’m so grateful Delphine. I can’t even put into words how blessed I feel for sister like Sarah.”

“You are,” I smiled, squeezing her hand. “But you told me you didn’t have a C-section right? A baby is always born by a C-section in a situation like this.”

“Correct, but I wanted to experience a vaginal birth. Doctor White was a little apprehensive at first, but he was also intrigued, because the uterus came from a donor who is also my clone. His scientist-mind was triggered and he wanted to give it a try if I gave birth at a hospital, so that there would be a medical team available if there were any complications. I wasn’t really thrilled about it, because I wanted to have a waterbirth at home, but he wasn’t having any of it and I didn’t want to risk my baby’s health. Anyway, we negotiated for a long time and made a deal. It worked out just fine. Doctor White was there, Sarah was there. It was perfect.”

“That’s big news you know? A successful vaginal birth with a tranplanted uterus?”

“I know, but we couldn’t really publish the results right? It’s a little crucial that Sarah and I are clones. You can’t reveal that piece of information.”

“I understand,” I smiled, still confused by the woman sitting next to me. This is the first time I’m seeing her in this mother role and it’s both scary and intriguing.

“Look Delphine, I never risked my son’s health okay? I’m still a scientist and I live for research and experiments. This was pretty harmless. There was a whole medical team waiting outside my room.”

“I know Cosima.”

We sipped our drinks in silence, thinking about our conversation from seconds ago, until I parted my lips and spoke again.

“How did you come up with his name?”

“Hugo? He’s named after my father’s father, my German grandfather Hubert. I really admired him. Plus… Hugo means something like mind or intellect and I guess that really suits my family.”

I gave her a sweet smile and cupped her jaw, brushing my thumb over the bridge of her nose.

“Your parents are proud of you Cosima. How you’re handling this on your own. They would have been delighted to see their daughter as a parent.”

“Thank you,” she smiled weakly, placing her empty cup onto the coffee table. “Being a single mom is not very easy, but we’re happy and we have each other no matter what.”

“Did you get pregnant on the first try?” I wondered.

“No, it took me four attempts. I hated those hormone injections and every time they harvested my eggs, but I was allowed to fertilize them myself in the lab. I’ll bet there aren’t a lot of women who can say that,” she chuckled with a proud smile.

“That’s wonderful Cosima,” I said, rubbing her arm. “I’m so happy for you.”

She nodded slightly, licking her bottom lip as her eyes burned into mine. I knew what was going to happen next and sucked in a breath as a shiver of anticipation shot through my spine. Cosima leaned in slowly, encouraging me to close the gap between us. I closed my eyes and let out a shaky exhale, relaxing my lips, when suddenly, a loud cry echoed through the room. My eyes flew open and Cosima jumped to her feet, her eyes wide.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, pointing at the baby monitor next to the TV. Soft whimpers filled our ears, making Cosima smile. “I think someone is ready to meet you. I’ll be right back.”

“Yes, of course,” I whispered, but she didn’t hear me because she was already on the stairs when the words tumbled from my lips. _Mon Dieu_ , this is it. I’m going to meet Cosima’s son in a few seconds. My heart is pounding against my ribs, my mouth feels dry and I hate myself for being so nervous. He’s just a toddler…

“Hi handsome,” I heard Cosima’s gentle voice through the baby monitor, making me smile. Her voice is so loving and warm, I don’t even recognize it as hers. “Did you have a good sleep?”

The boy let out another whimper when Cosima gave him a kiss. I pulled out his present from my handbag, clutching it tightly. I hope he’ll like it, but he can probably read full sentences just like his mom could at that age. _Merde_ , I shouldn’t have listened to my sister and should have bought him a different book instead, one with an actual story.

“Wake up sleepyhead,” Cosima giggled, making me all warm inside. “Are you ready to meet your new friend?”

I shot my head up when Cosima appeared at the top of the stairs, holding a small toddler against her chest. I felt my heart skip a beat when she was about to walk down the stairs in heels. I automatically stood up to give her a hand, but quickly sat down again, realizing she has done this numerous times before.

The boy’s legs were wrapped around her waist, his face buried in the crook of her neck, while he carried a colorful stuffed monkey under his arm, a monkey with little periodic elements in it. The sight made my heart swell with affection and the unfamiliar feeling crashed into me again, scaring me to the core. I held my breath until Cosima sat down next to me, her son still glued to her front. The boy is face facing away from me, but I can see that he is quite small for his age. She whispered something in his ear, brushing her hand over his mass of dark curls. The fact that the child has Cosima’s hair color pleases me immensely.

“You should show Delphine the sweater you’re wearing honey,” Cosima cooed, rubbing his back. “I’m sure she’ll like it.”

The little boy slowly turned his head around and locked his eyes on mine. Goosebumps appeared on my arms as an icy tingle traveled down my spine. I successfully suppressed a gasp as I took in the face that was staring back at me. He looks absolutely identical to her, the same chocolate brown eyes, the same nose, the same chapped lips and even the beauty mark on his right cheek is identical to hers.

“Hi,” I smiled and waved awkwardly at him. God, I’m making a fool out of myself.

He flashed me his tiny canines, reminding me even more of Cosima, before he buried his face into his mother’s chest, still peeking up at me through his long lashes. I parted my lips to ask Cosima if she’s aware that she had successfully cloned a male version of herself, but I quickly pursed my lips together before the words slipped out of my mouth. I’m not sure if she would appreciate a stupid joke about such a sensitive subject. It’s been seven years after all and she definitely changed a lot.

“Are you going to act all shy now?” Cosima chuckled, kissing the top of his head.

“Don’t be shy, I’m Delphine, and I’m so glad to meet you.”

“This his Hugo,” Cosima introduced him, kissing his cheek to offer him some comfort.

“Enchanté,” I smiled, waving again. Why is this so awkward?

The boy furrowed his brows in confusion when the foreign word left my lips. He shot me another toothy grin before he crawled off Cosima’s lap, waddling towards me. He pulled the hem of his striped sweater down, shifting his eyes between me and his own chest. I almost laughed when I noticed the Eiffel Tower and red balloons on his sweater.

“That’s a very cool sweater,” I grinned, making the boy beam with pride. He glanced at the present in my hands, looking up at me questioningly, before he tapped his chest with his little index finger.

“No Hugo, that’s not very polite,” Cosima said, curling her hand around his upper arm.

“It’s fine. It’s for him actually.”

I stretched my arms to give the boy his present, my heart fluttering as his familiar eyes sparkled with excitement, clapping his hands together before he took the book from my hands and waddled back to Cosima. She lifted him off the floor and placed him in her lap. The boy tore the wrapping paper off the present and held the book up in the air after he completed his task.

“Oh that’s an awesome book isn’t it?” Cosima said happily, stroking his cheek. He nodded and gave me the book, opening it as he looked at me expectantly. Was he really expecting me to come up with a story? I can’t do that, I lack the imagination and I’m not going to make a fool out of myself in front of the woman I love.

“Uhm,” I said, pointing at a picture of a pig. “What’s this?”

_Mon Dieu_ , really Delphine? How in the world do you interact with a two-year-old?

His smile grew wider as he looked at the picture I was pointing at.

“What’s this?” I repeated, smiling back at him. I could feel Cosima stiffen beside me and I focused my eyes on her, my smile faltering when I noticed the tense expression on her face. She avoided my gaze and closed her eyes, kissing Hugo’s tiny ear before she opened her mouth to speak.

“That’s a pig. Right Hugo?”

The boy merely nodded as he flipped the page, encouraging me to continue.

“And what’s this?” I asked again, pointing at a picture of a cow this time. Hugo squealed in excitement, clapping his hands together as he began to bounch in Cosima’s lap. I couldn’t contain my amusement and laughed at the boy’s happiness over such a simple book.

“What is this Hugo? Come on, tell me,” I giggled, reaching out to touch his knee.

“It’s a cow,” Cosima said flatly, curling her hand around her son’s tiny shoulder. “That’s a cow Hugo.”

The boy flipped the page again and I quickly glanced at Cosima, who was avoiding every eye contact.

“Okay,” I whispered. “Uhm, what’s this?”

I showed him the picture of a horse and he began to squeal again before he slid off Cosima’s lap, yanking the book out of my hands. He studied the picture intently, opened his mouth, but nothing came out and he quickly handed the book back to me. I raised my brows in confusion and looked at Cosima, who clenched her jaw and stared at her son, frozen in her seat. I was about to ask her what was wrong, but got distracted when Hugo tapped my arm. He made a funny sound and smiled at the me, obviously waiting for me to ask him again.

“What’s this Hugo?”

“Hmm,” he hummed, placing his little hands on my knees.

“Have you lost your tongue?” I laughed, covering his tiny fingers with mine.

“Okay that’s enough,” Cosima snapped, yanking the book out of my hands before she threw it onto the coffee table. Her face was as white as a sheet and she quickly pulled her son into her lap, kissing his temple with her eyes screwed shut. I looked at her worriedly and knew she was fighting back tears.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

“Have I done something wrong?”

“No.”

She stood up and walked into the kitchen, carrying her son on her hip, leaving me behind… completely baffled and confused.

 


	12. Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is quite long guys. I'm sorry. Have a good day :)

“Delphine?” Cosima called from the kitchen, interrupting my thoughts. “Do you still drink wine after dinner?”

“ _Oui_ ,” I responded, focusing my eyes on the little boy on the floor. The sight of him sitting on the Persian rug from the lab Cosima and I used to share is a little disturbing, but it’s nothing compared to the anxiety I’ve been feeling all day. I still haven’t figured out why Cosima was acting so stange after I gave Hugo his present, but thankfully, it didn’t take too long. She composed herself pretty quickly and we’ve spent a lovely afternoon together. We took Hugo to a nearby pond and watched some older kids practicing their ice skating skills, cooked dinner together and now I’m sitting on the grey sofa, glancing at my lover’s son. He’s completely obsessed with the book I gave him, holding it upside down, constantly flipping the pages and tracing his small fingers over the animals in the pictures. He’s so different from what I had expected, very observant, quiet and introvert. He’s by no means the boy I had imagined… curious, active, extrovert and talkative, just like his mom. In fact, he hasn’t said a word all day, not to me nor to Cosima, but I guess he’s still a little shy and doesn’t know what to make of this new situation. I’m sure he just needs time to grow used to me before he feels comfortable enough to ask for my attention and talk to me. I know I’m not maternal and kids can probably sense that, but I refuse to believe that it’s personal.

“Here you go,” Cosima smiled, offering me a glass of wine. I swallowed thickly as I took the glass from her hand. This is absolutely terrifying, Cosima sitting next to me with her hands folded around a steaming cup of tea, a little boy sitting on the floor, playing with his book, while the crackling sound from the fireplace fills our ears. It’s so… homey and it’s everything I never had and everything I never wanted.

“Are you okay?” Cosima asked worriedly, covering our legs with a fluffy blanket.

“Yes, just a little tired,” I said, my accent a bit thicker than usual.

“I already brought your stuff into the guest room. You can go to bed whenever you want okay?”

“It’s barely 8 pm Cosima,” I chuckled, reaching out to stroke her cheek, but I quickly stopped myself when I saw Hugo staring at us.

“Yes, but life with a kid can be exhausting, I usually sleep around 9 on workdays,” she laughed, curling her fingers around the back of my neck, digging her thumb into the tense muscles. “You’re doing great so far.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you positively surprised me today. I was a little nervous at first, because you dislike children, but Hugo seems happy with the present you gave him and he’s not screaming and crying all the time like he does whenever Felix comes over.”

“He doesn’t like Felix?”

“He does, but let’s just say that Fee is a little too overwhelming and intense for Hugo. You’re calm and not constantly demanding his attention. I can tell he likes you.”

“Really?” I asked quietly, blushing lightly. I hate to show my insecurities to her, it’s so not sexy.

“Yeah,” she smiled, pushing her tongue between her teeth as she cupped my cheek. “Why are you blushing?”

I looked away in embarrassment and glanced at Hugo, who tossed his book behind him, slowly standing up from the floor as his eyes studied us with great curiosity.

“Delphine,” she whispered, adding a little pressure to my face, forcing me to look her in the eye. She scooted closer and surprised me immensely when she suddenly pressed her lips against mine. I tensed up and my eyes grew wide because of her unexpected action, but I quickly relaxed when she began to move her lips, kissing mine gently. It took me a few seconds to respond, but I began to kiss her back almost instantly. The sound of hurried footsteps filled my ears and Cosima pulled away when Hugo started to cry softly. I opened my eyes as he crawled into Cosima’s lap, his bottom lip trembling in way that’s so familiar to me.

“What’s the matter sweetie?” she cooed, pulling him against her chest. His cries became louder and Cosima gave me a sweet smile as she kissed his temple. “Are you a bit confused?”

The boy nodded against her shoulder, tilting his head up to look his mother in the eye.

“I love you Hugo,” she whispered, blowing a raspberry on his cheek, making him squeal with laughter, before she pinched his little nose.

“Let’s give you a bath yeah?” she suggested, standing up from the sofa. “You wanna help Delphine?”

“I eh… I,” I stuttered, a feeling of panic rising in my chest.

She didn’t give me time to decline the offer and grasped my hand, pulling me up to my feet. I followed her obediently, climbing the stairs behind them.

“Why was he so upset Cosima?” I asked as she turned on the bathtub faucet.

“I’ve never kissed anyone in front of him, not like how I kissed you. I guess he’s a little confused because of what he just saw.”

I nodded and sat down on the edge of the tub, crossing my legs as I dangled my fingers in the water.

“It’s always been just the two of us,” she continued as she began to undress her son. “I didn’t want a partner because of my trust issues and because I didn’t want Hugo to grow attached to my girlfriend you know… they always leave in the end. I can handle the separation and the loss of an important person, but I don’t want that for him. He’s so young.”

I didn’t know what to say, too stunned by the words that just rolled from her tongue. _They always leave in the end…_ does that mean she feels different about me this time? Is she developing some trust in me? I feel kind of honered that she lets me into her son’s life. _Mon Dieu_ , what’s happening to me? Cosima put her hand into the water, testing the temperature before she picked up her son and lowered him into the tub. He gave her a wide grin and slapped his palms against the surface, causing the water to splash in his face. A loud giggle escaped his mouth, making Cosima laugh as she turned on the showerhead to wash his dark curls.

“Cosima, tomorrow is your birthday,” I whispered, glancing at Hugo, who is playing with his yellow watering can.

“Is that a question?” she chuckled, massaging Hugo’s scalp.

“No.”

“I’m not going to celebrate it if that’s what you’re indirectly asking. I’m in denial. Turning thirty-seven is not something to be excited about,” she joked.

“Okay,” I nodded, feeling guilty for the strange sense of relief that washed over me. I don’t now if I’m ready to see all the sestras and meet Cosima’s other friends. I don’t even know how to introduce myself to them. As Cosima’s friend? Ex-girlfriend? Lover? Former monitor?

“Mmm,” Hugo mumbled, tugging at Cosima’s arm.

“What is it buddy?”

He pointed his little index finger at a plastic basket in the corner of the bathroom.

“Oh Delphine, can you grab his plastic flowerpots from that basket?” Cosima asked, washing her son’s face and neck with a washcloth. I stood up, wondering how in the world Cosima knew what he was asking for, but maybe you’ll have to be a mom yourself to understand the emotional bond between mother and child. I grabbed the colorful toys and handed them to Hugo, who snatched them out of my hands. He filled his watering can, sprinkling water into the flowerpots and just a second later, a few colorful fake flowers appeared in front of his eyes, making him squeal with delight.

“Good job dude,” Cosima praised, kissing his wet cheek. “What makes flowers bloom?”

He furrowed his brows in deep thought, a big smile forming on his face when the answer popped up in his mind. He flung his arms up in the air, showing Cosima his watering can.

“You’re so smart,” she smiled as she pulled him up to his feet, washing the rest of his body. “And you’ve the cutest baby butt I’ve ever seen.”

I smiled at her, but her eyes were fixed on her offspring, looking at him as if he is the most beautiful thing in the world. He suddenly grabbed a fistful of his mother’s dreadlocks, watering them with his plastic toy.

“Yeah, I’m sure this helps,” she chuckled. “My hair is gonna grow so much longer now, thank you sweetie.”

The little boy beamed with pride before he turned his head to the right and locked his brown eyes on mine. He waddled towards me, his eyes on the target, while Cosima held his chubby arm for support. He took my hand and sprinkled water over my fingers, pushing his tongue between his teeth when I wiggled my digits.

“Look Hugo, you made Delphine’s fingers grow.”

He shifted his eyes between his mother and me, before he sprinkled the water over his own tiny hand, wiggling his fingers like I had done, but he was clearly confused when the length of his fingers didn’t change. He shot us a suspicious look and tried it one more time, sprinkling some water of his private parts. It was such an innocent act, but my eyes grew wide and Cosima and I burst out laughing, causing Hugo to snap his head up. He looked at us with confusion in his eyes, not understanding why we were roaring with laughter.

“Is this the kind of situation in which I’ll have to tell him that he’s perfect the way he is? Like… size doesn’t matter and size doesn’t define your masculinity and all that?” Cosima laughed. I began to laugh harder, tears rolling down my cheeks as Cosima lifted her son out of the tub, drying him with a towel.

“You really are a boy aren’t you?” she chuckled, squeezing his cheeks. “Boys will be boys no matter their age.”

Cosima finished drying him and laced her fingers through mine as a naked Hugo ran towards his bedroom.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she whispered, stepping into her son’s ocean-themed bedroom.

“Me too,” I nodded as she placed Hugo onto the changing table, opening a drawer to pull out a bottle of baby lotion and a diaper. “I love his little toddler bed Cosima. It’s so cute.”

“Cool isn’t it? His donor gave it to him as a Christmas present. It’s made out of the wood from my parents’ houseboat.”

“He knew your parents?”

“No, but he bought their home after they died. We became very close,” she said, but I could tell she didn’t feel comfortable sharing such intimate details with me yet.

She squirted some of the thick liquid into her palms before she began to rub it on the child’s bare skin, humming some kind of children’s song while he stared up at her, his eyes full of curiosity. I suddenly felt like an intruder… almost as if I’m not supposed to be watching such a special moment between mother and son.

“Delphine, you can put him into his onesie if you want,” she offered kindly, sliding the diaper over his butt.

“N…non,” I stuttered, still standing in the doorway. Cosima merely shrugged and finished dressing him, closing the buttons of his red onesie before she sat down in the rocking chair. Hugo grabbed book from his bookcase and crawled into her lap.

“Oh awesome choice dude,” she smiled, opening the book about Winnie the Pooh. Hugo suddenly lifted the hem of her turtleneck, exposing his mother’s white lacy bra to my eyes. I didn’t know where to look and quickly decided that the ceiling was interesting enough.

“No Hugo,” she warned him with a stern voice, pulling the garment down. “Let’s not make Delphine uncomfortable.”

He shot me an angry glare, looking at me as if I had ruined something, something important he had been waiting for all day. I felt the need to apologize, but I didn’t know what for and I let out a soft sigh as he gave up the staring contest and closed his eyes, resting his head against his mother’s chest while he sucked his thumb. Cosima began to read and I felt a wave of panic swirling in my chest as I took in the scene that slowly unfolded in front of me. Cosima, a loving mother, reading a story to her child, stimulating his intelligence and imagination. My mother never read me a story, I don’t even remember sitting in her lap or falling asleep against her chest. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle a sob as I turned around and left the room.

* * *

 

“Hey,” she whispered twenty minutes later, walking down the stairs. “I didn’t notice you were gone until I finished the story. I’m so sorry Delphine, are you okay?”

“ _Oui_ ,” I smiled before I took a sip of wine. “It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

She picked up her laptop from the coffee table and sat down next to me, her back resting against the sofa arm.

“Come here,” she encouraged, opening her legs to make room for me. I scooted towards her and let out a sigh of contentment when I felt her breasts pressing against my back. She placed the laptop in my lap and started a movie I’ve seen at least three times already.

“Let’s just chill tonight, okay?”

“Sounds perfect Cosima,” I nodded, resting my head against her shoulder. A swarm of butterflies erupted in my stomach when Cosima kissed my temple.

“I’m so in love with you,” she admitted quietly after ten minutes, sliding her left hand under my shirt. My body jerked at the touch and a sharp hiss left my lips as her cold fingers came in contact with my warm skin.

“I’m in love with you too.”

“Good, but don’t crush my heart again Delphine…” she whispered into my ear, her fingers drawing slow circles on my belly.

I tilted my head to the side and brought my hand up to her neck before I claimed her lips in a possessive kiss. Cosima inhaled sharply through her nose and closed her eyes as she brushed the fingertips of her free hand over my arm, making me shiver in pleasure. I gently licked her bottom lip, begging for entrance. She slowly opened her mouth, welcoming me inside, and let out a soft moan as my tongue touched hers. The kiss was lazy and familiar, our lips moving gently and our tongues sliding against each other in a natural way. Kissing her finally feels normal again.

“Holy watershed,” she panted after she broke the kiss.

“What?”

“The way you kiss… like you fucking invented the French kiss yourself Delphine. You’re making me incredibly self-conscious.”

“Cosima,” I snorted, brushing my thumb over her cheek. “You’re just trying to flatter me.”

“No, no, no. It’s true, you’re the world’s best kisser.”

“You’re insane,” I joked, pecking her lips. “But merci chérie.”

I turned my head again and focused my eyes on the screen of Cosima’s laptop, realizing we had missed a few scenes.

“What did you just call me?”

“What?” I asked, truly confused.

“You just called me chérie. This is the first time you…”

“Cosima,” I said, cutting her off as my heart began to beat faster. Merde. “Let’s just enjoy tonight okay? Let’s just enjoy the fact that we’re in love.”

“Okay,” she nodded, bringing her hand up to my breast, squeezing the soft flesh through my bra.

It was silent for at least an half an hour while we watched the movie that Cosima had picked out, her fingers circling over my belly and ribs the entire time, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around and pressed my chest against hers.

“What are you doing?” she giggled nervously as I sucked and nipped at her jaw. Her hands automatically found their way into my hair, tugging gently when I crashed my lips against hers. My lover let out a soft groan of disapproval when I pulled away before she could deepen the kiss. I gave her a cheeky smile and took the hem of her turtleneck between my fingers.

“May I?”

“O…okay,” she stuttered nervously.

I gave her a reassuring smile and took the garment off, tossing it to the floor, before I kissed her again. My lips traveled over her throat, collarbone and sternum, while her fingers massaged my scalp. I dragged my tongue over the swell of her breasts and smiled against her skin when her breathing became heavier. I curled my fingers around her bra straps, pushing them down her shoulders as my body shivered with anticipation. I can’t wait to kiss her breasts again after seven fucking long years, taste her nipples, swirl my tongue around the rigid buds, suck them into my mouth and…

“Delphine,” she panted, ending my thoughts abruptly.

“Yes?”

“Hugo is upstairs.”

I studied her face, trying to figure out what she was actually saying.

“So?”

“Nothing, it’s just… I’ve never… in this house… with him sleeping upstairs. I don’t know if he’s gonna wake up.”

“Cosima,” I snorted, kissing the piece of fabric between the cups of her bra. “We’re not that loud.”

“Right,” she chuckled, lifting her upper half off the couch. I snaked my hands around her to unfasten the clasp before I removed her bra completely.

“You’re so beautiful,” I whispered, cupping the soft mounds in my hands, flicking my thumbs over the hardened peaks. A light flush covered her chest and face as the blood vessels under her skin dilated. I swirled my tongue around the areola of her right breast, closing my lips around the nipple.

“Oh my God,” she gasped, digging her fingernails into my scalp. “That feels good.”

“Hmm,” I hummed, shifting my attention to the other nipple. I’ve never been attracted to women’s bodies after they carried a child, but with Cosima, it’s different. I don’t know how she does it, but she’s even more sexy than before she became a mother.

A knock on the back door pulled us out of our bubble and Cosima quickly pushed me off her, covering her bosom with her forearm as she sat up.

“Who’s that? It’s almost midnight for God’s sake.”

“Lemme check,” I said, standing up, but Cosima grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down.

“Are you crazy? I never answer the door after 9.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because,” she whispered. “I am a woman, living alone… I don’t know, but it doesn’t feel right.”

“Cosima,” I smiled, kissing her cheek as a surge of protectiveness rushed through me. “Don’t worry okay. I promised to protect you remember?”

I stood up again, handing her the fluffy blanket so she could cover herself up, before I walked into the kitchen. I slowly opened the back door and my eyes grew wide when I took in the three identical faces staring back at me.

“HAPPY BIRTH…” they said in unison, holding presents in their arms.

_“Mon Dieu.”_

“Where is our sestra?” a blonde clone, I recognized as Helena, wondered.

“Cosima…” I began, turning my head to the side, checking if Cosima was already dressing herself. “Is inside.”

“Okay move over,” Sarah rolled her eyes, pushing me out of the way.

Another car pulled into the driveway and a woman with ginger hair and a huge belly stepped out of the vehicle, running into my direction.

“Oi Cos! Put on a shirt please! Bloody Christ,” I heard the British clone groan as Alison shook my hand.

“Good to see you Delphine.”

I was too flabbergasted to respond and blinked at her before she quickly marched in to the livingroom.

“Cosima! Happy birthday sweetheart!” she exclaimed, kissing her clone’s cheek. The ginger woman placed her hand on my shoulder and gave me an apologetic smile.

“I am sorry. I told them to wait for me, but Sarah is so stubborn. I hope they didn’t wake Hugo. I am Lauren by the way and you must be Delphine.”

I could only nod, feeling too overwhelmed. Lauren? I am sure I’ve heard that name before.

“Scott’s wife,” she explained, stepping inside. “You can close the door Delphine. It’s just the clones and me. Fee has a cold he’s not coming.”

“O…okay.”

“Lauren!” Cosima said happily, hugging her friend. “What a surprise!”

“Cos! Oh my God, you look stunning.”

“Thanks.” She blushed, reaching out to rub the woman’s swollen belly. “And how is my sweet little Pippa doing?”

“Ready to come out.”

Cosima let out an adorable laugh and filled our glasses with wine, water, bourbon and put all kinds of different snacks on the table, including the babka cake Helena gave her.

“Did you know they were coming?” I whispered, lighting a few candles on the dinner table.

“No,” she shook head, sitting across from me. The women gave Cosima their presents, a book from Helena, kitchen gear from Alison and Lauren, and expensive parfume from Sarah. Two hours flew by and I was having a great time, talking to Lauren about my job and life in Berlin, until my ringtone interrupted the conversation we were having. I stood up and walked into the livingroom, glancing at my phone on the coffee table.

“Delphine,” Sarah whispered from behind me.

_“Oui?”_

“So, Cosima gave you another chance?”

“She did,” I nodded, swallowing when I sensed Sarah’s underlying tone

“Good. I am happy for you both, but I bloody swear… if you betray her again, I’ll make sure Helena is gonna pay you a visit. Is that clear blondie?”

“Y..yes.”

“Good,” she smiled, squeezing my upper arm. “There’s another present for Cosima in my bag and I was thinking… now that you’re here… maybe Hugo can give it to her in the morning when she wakes up? And you can help him?”

“That’s very thoughtful of you Sarah. What a great idea.”

“Allright. I’m gonna sneak upstairs and hide it under is bed. Can you distract Cos for a moment?”

“Of c…”

A piercing cry coming from the baby monitor filled the entire house and I immediately glanced at Cosima, who was already standing up from her chair.

“I’ll get him Cos,” Sarah said, winking at me. I smiled back at her and shuffled back towards my seat, pouring myself another glass of wine.

“How’s Scott?” I asked Lauren, genuinely interested in him.

“Oh he’s great. He’s super nervous about Pippa’s arrival, but he loves his job and still plays Runewars with the guys. He even wants to teach Elsie the stupid game as soon as possible.”

“Sounds like he didn’t change at all,” I chuckled, putting a salty crisp into my mouth.

Sarah entered the kitchen, carrying a sleepy Hugo on her hip.

“Where do you wanna sit?” she asked sweetly, pointing at my lover. “Mommy?”

The little boy shook his head, wiping the tears from his rosy cheeks.

“Delphine?” Sarah suggested, looking me straight in the eye. My stomach did a somersault and a knot formed in my stomach. I’m not ready to cuddle him in my lap yet. I mean, meeting him wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and he isn’t sucking out all my energy, but I still lack the motherly urge to comfort a crying child.

Much to my relief, Hugo shook his head again and pointed his little finger into Alison’s direction.

“Come here Hughie,” Alison cooed, stretching her arms out to welcome the boy into her embrace. She peppered his face with kisses, humming a soft melody into his tiny ear.

“Did we wake you up sweetheart?” she asked as Cosima refilled our glasses and handed Hugo his stuffed monkey.

“Of course we did Alison,” Cosima laughed, giving Hugo a slice of babka cake.

“I was asking your son Cos, you need to stop answering for him,” she said flatly, shifting her attention back to the little boy. “Did we wake you up Hugo?”

Cosima’s child merely nodded, pulling out his pacificier so he could stuff his mouth with cake.

“Can you say yes or no?” Alison tried again as I looked at Cosima. The color drained from her face and she began to nibble on her bottom lip, obviously feeling nervous about something.

“Hugo?”

“Alison stop please,” Cosima whispered, putting on a fake smile.

“Mmm,” Hugo hummed, stretching out his arms towards his mother.

“You wanna sit with mommy?” the boy’s aunt whispered into his ear, ignoring Cosima.

Hugo let out a choked sob and locked his brown eyes on Cosima’s, begging her to take him into her arms.

“Say mommy Hugo,” Alison encouraged sweetly, brushing her fingers through his wild curls. “Can you say mommy?”

“He’s still not talking Cos?” Sarah asked, raising her eyebrows at her sister.

Oh… merde. My brain finally put two and two together. That’s why Cosima was so tense and acting so strange when Hugo and I were playing with the book I gave him. He can’t talk yet and I was pushing him to tell me what animals were pictured on the pages. Shit… I hope I didn’t make her feel bad about herself.

“I think he needs to see a doctor Cosima, this is not okay. He’s almost two years old. Gemma knew so many words when she was two,” Alison said, her voice calm and reassuring.

“Yes my twins also,” Helena joined the conversation. “They also knew words in Ukrainian.”

“Is Elsie talking yet, Lauren?”

“She is,” Lauren responded, staring at her friend. 

“Guys, come on. I’m sure it’s nothing. My son is just a dreamer. He’ll speak when he’s ready.”

“Are you still nursing him before bed Cosima?” Alison asked, rubbing the boy’s back.

“So what if I do?” my lover spat, her eyes blazing. “It’s none of your business, he’s my child, not yours.”

“Cosima, you really need to stop doing it when he asks for it. You’re treating him lika a baby and he’ll act like one because of it. I’m sure he is gonna talk when you stop nursing him.”

“Alison don’t be ridiculous. That’s nothing to do with it. There something not right with Hugo himself. You need to visit a doctor Cos. He can give you advise on how to deal with this. It’s nothing to be ashamed of sestra. There are so many kids with autism or other learning disabilities these days,” Sarah said, touching Cosima’s arm.

“Sarah, you can’t be serious right? Cosima is hyperintelligent and so is Hugo’s donor. There is nothing wrong with this kid. Cosima just needs to treat her son like a big boy,” Alison responded. “I know it’s hard, because he’s your only child and the emotional bond between you is strong, but this is not natural either Cosima.”

“Bloody Christ Alison…”

“STOP IT!” Cosima suddenly shouted, slamming her fist on the wooden table, making us all jump in our seats. Hugo began crying and Cosima sprang to her feet, yanking her son out of her clone’s arms.

“I’m so sorry dude. It’s okay,” she whispered, kissing his temple. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

The little boy buried his face into his mother’s chest, soaking her sweater with his tears.

“I think we’re going Cosima,” Alison said, standing up to put on her coat. “We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Well, you did.”

“We’re sorry Cos,” Sarah said, kissing her sister’s cheek. “You know we love you.”

They all hugged my lover goodbye, including Lauren who promised Cosima to call her first thing in the morning. And with that… Cosima’s surprise birthday party was over.

* * *

 

“How are you feeling?” I asked, my voice full of concern as she walked down the stairs.

“I’m okay,” she said, sounding far from okay. “Hugo is fast asleep.”

She sat down next to me, her glasses resting on the top of her head. I can tell she’s upset, her body is tense en she’s biting the inside of her cheek.

“Cosima, your sisters didn’t mean to upset you. They’re just worried about their nephew.”

“I know Delphine, but they act like they know what’s best for my son. I seriously think that they’re jealous sometimes.”

“Jealous?”

“Yes, Sarah because she left Kira with Mrs S at an early age, she missed a lot. And Alison… she got Oscar and Gemma when they were five and two, she missed their babytime. She’s still mourning the fact that she and Donnie can’t have their own kids, so when I told her that Sarah and I were discussing a transplant… my God Delphine, she was furious and she still punishes me for it sometimes. And yes, their kids are older and I understand that they’ve got a lot more experience in this area, but _I_ am Hugo’s mother. I raise my son the way I want.”

“That’s goo…” I started, but didn’t get the chance to finish my sentence, because Cosima jumped up and began to pace back and forth in front of the fireplace, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“So what if he’s not talking yet? So what if he still wants to nurse when I put him to bed? It’s not like I’m bothering anyone right? Jesus, he’s my son Delphine! Not theirs. I don’t want Hugo to grow up too fast, just because society wants him to walk a certain path. It’s obvious that he can’t color inside the lines, so I’m not gonna push him into things he’s not ready for okay? I want to follow his unique pace of development. Is that clear?”

“Yes,” I nodded, a little dumbfounded by her sudden outburst and aggression.

“He’ll start talking and stop nursing when he’s ready to and if you’ve got a problem with that, then you need to leave right now. I’m sick of people judging my parenting skills and the choices I make.”

“Woah,” I gasped, standing up to grab her wrist. “I am not judging you Cosima. Don’t put words into my mouth.”

“Do you know how this feels?!” she shouted, yanking her arms away. “I’m trying. I really do, but I'm such a failure.”

“You’re not a failure Cosima,” I whispered, my voice shaking as a lump started to form in my throat.

“No? I'm highly intelligent and so is Hugo’s donor, who is a neurosurgeon. I was seriously expecting my son to read by now or play an instrument, but no… I’m the mother of a child who can’t say a word. It’s not normal okay? He’s supposed to be talking at this age. I gave birth to a kid who is not capable of saying simple words like ‘cow’ or ‘pig’. You know how that feels Delphine?”

“ _Non_. I don’t know,” I answered truthfully, feeling extremely guilty for the book I gave Hugo as tears streamed down my face.

“I’m a shit mother.”

“You’re not. Please don’t say such an awful thing. You give him all the time to grow up, you shower him with love, you stay true to yourself despite what society and other mothers tell you. You’re a great mom.”

She let out a loud wail and folded her hands behind her head, letting her emotions run free.

“He doesn’t even call me mommy, something I want so desperately. That’s all I’m asking for Delphine, for Hugo to call me mommy.”

She began to cry harder and I reached out again, wanting to console her so badly, but she backed away, clearly not allowing herself to accept any kind of comfort.

“I wish I could ask my parents for advice. I feel so lonely when it comes to raising Hugo.”

I took her hand and pulled her into my embrace, ignoring the signals her body was giving me.

“J’taime,” I whispered into her ear, holding her close. “You have me and you’re worrying too much Cosima. He’s gonna talk okay? He nods and shakes his head when you ask him questions, he clearly understands every word you say and besides… some say Einstein didn’t speak until he was four.”

She giggled against my shoulder, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“Your sisters just love Hugo a lot, they want what’s best for him.”

“I know.”

She suddenly pressed her lips against mine, kissing me passionately before she broke away.

“You’re amazing,” she whispered against my mouth. “You’re the woman of my dreams.”

“Cosima…”

“Delphine no, stop let me finish. I’m so in love with you. I know it’s been seven years and a lot has changed… and yes, we’ve decided to take things slow and figure out our feelings for each other, but I love you Delphine and I can tell my son really likes you. Why should we waste any more time?” she said as another round of tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Deep down in my heart, I don’t wanna take things slow, because I already know you’re the one for me and that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you okay? I know I’m a mom now and I’m not as attractive anymore, that I’m not the same person as before, that the sex isn’t mind blowing… yet, but we’re older, still learning and rediscovering each other. I hope you can love me too… me, Cosima, with my childish naivety, my unlimited enthusiasm, my love for science, my saggy belly and other ehm… physical changes. I don’t want you to sleep in the guestroom or buy an apartment. I want you to stay here… forever… and share my life with you. I’m still scared that you’re gonna betray me again and I need to work on that, but I can’t do this either… this friends with feelings thing. I can’t fool myself any longer… you know what I’m saying?”

“N..not really.” I stuttered, swallowing hard as my body began to tremble slightly.

“Delphine, I want you to be my girlfriend again.”


	13. Aggression

Waking up has never felt so good in my life. No angular body pressed against mine, no demanding morning erection twitching against my butt, begging me to spread my legs for its owner, no fragile woman coughing her lungs out of her chest, no blood staining her pillow, and not feeling the urge to check if she’s still breathing when the sun starts to rise.

I opened my eyes and glanced at the digital clock resting on my bedside table … 4.17 am, two hours and thirteen minutes until I have to get up. I’ve been living with Cosima… or should I say my girlfriend… for a month now and I’m already feeling at home in this house. Hugo and I are slowly growing used to each other, he loves serving me fake coffee and scrambled eggs from his play kitchen every morning, something I still find awkward, because I’m not good at pretend play. He sits next to me on the couch and doesn’t get hysterical everytime Cosima kisses me, but he mostly ignores me during the day, which is fine with me. I know it’s nothing personal, he’s just too focused on his mother, shy and living in his own little world and I don’t blame him; in fact, I totally get it. According to Vivienne, I was exactly like him when I was his age.

So, Cosima is my girlfriend again and it scares the shit out of me. I love her, but being in a relationship with the person I love so much makes everything so real. Nothing is forever, that’s one of the things I learned the hard way … my mom leaving us when I was young, my father sending me to boarding school, romantic relationships that didn’t last because I was too scared to connect and when I finally had the courage to spend my whole life with my soulmate, I was forced to leave her behind. Nothing is forever, but this also feels like a second chance, a second chance to build a life with her, to fully commit to Cosima and overcome my fears. You can’t really lose something you don’t have, but now I have her and I could lose her… again.

“Delphine,” she whispered softly into the dark. “Are you awake?”

_“Oui, mon amour,”_ I smiled, reaching out to stroke her upper arm. She scooted closer, sighing with contentment when her back came in contact with my chest. My lips pressed a soft kiss to the shell of her ear as I buried my nose into her dreads, inhaling the rich lavender scent. Her breathing is a bit havier than usual and it makes me worry, horrible memories flooding into my mind, Cosima depending on a cannula in order to stay alive, Cosima gasping for breath after a short walk to the grocery store.

“I can’t sleep.”

“How come sweetheart?”

She shrugged her shoulders and snuggled further in to me. I let out a soft hum at the sensation of a pleasant shiver running down my spine when Cosima pressed her round butt against my pelvis.

“Are you okay?” I asked, trying my best to keep a little distance between our warm bodies. This feels so good and my libido skyrocketed when I moved in with Cosima. I could make love to her every day if she lets me, but I don’t want her to think that I’m a pervert or that it’s the only reason why I’m with her. “Are you cold? Headache?”

“No,” she whispered and reached back to grab my hand, slipping it under her top. I instinctively began to draw circles on her belly, slow and leisurely. She sucked in a breath and started to stroke the back of my hand with her thumb.

“What is it then?” I chuckled, kissing the nape of her neck. “Stomach ache?”

She shook her head and let out a shaky breath before she dragged my hand up to her left breast, silently asking me to touch the soft flesh. Oh….

I managed to suppress a gasp and swallowed hard as I tried to hide the feeling of surprise that suddenly rushed through my entire body. This is… new. It’s always me who has to initiate sex, Cosima and I don’t make love very often, not as much as I want to, but it’s not her fault and I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.  She already feels extremely guilty for turning me down a few times a week, because she’s not up for it, but I’m just glad that she trusts me enough to say no.

I gently caressed her breast, my fingertips brushing lightly over the skin before I cupped the mound into my palm, massaging, stroking and exploring. A strangled moan escaped my throat when I felt her nipple harden under my touch. I whispered her name, gently pinching the hardened peak as I pressed my hips against her butt.

“I was dreaming about us,” she said, intertwining her legs with mine. “It was intense and strange.”

“Yeah? Tell me.”

“Yes, we were reunited on the island and we made love in my yurt… it was so passionate, but also kind of aggressive. You tied me up and… I don’t know how to describe it, but it was not like us at all.”

“Hmm no, tying up and aggression doesn’t sound like us,” I smiled, brushing my nose over her cheek. “But the question is… did you enjoy it?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“You think so?” I chuckled, squeezing her breast a litte more firmly. “You don’t really sound convinced.”

“I mean, yes… dream-Cosima definitely enjoyed it… a lot,” she whispered and even in the darkness I could tell she was blushing madly. “I think the agressive kind of sex in my dream turned me on, enough to keep you awake right now at least, but we never made love like that, so it also confuses me.”

“Is it something you want to explore with me?” I wondered, kissing her jaw before I sucked at her pulse point, pushing her onto her back. “I’m fine with everything you wanna try Cosima, you know that.”

“Not now, Hugo can wake up any moment Delphine. I don’t want to traumatize him,” she giggled, lifting her hips off the bed when I tugged on her panties, giving me permission to take them off.

“That’s not the true reason chérie,” I stated, recognizing the sound of her voice, detecting a lie. She tensed against me and didn’t open her thighs when I brushed my fingers over the neat patch of hair above her sex.

“I ehm… I just… to me…that kind of sex requires a deep level of trust Delphine and I’m not sure if I… after everything…”

“I understand Cosima,” I smiled, kissing her cheek while my fingers began to caress her hips, her lower abdomen and pubic mound.

“It’s not like I don’t trust you okay? I know you would never hurt me or do things against my will. It’s just that…”

“Cosima, it’s fine, really.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck, searching for my lips in the darkness, kissing me fervently the second she found them. We kissed passionately and slowly undressed each other, until I subconsciously rolled myself on top of her, pressing my naked body into hers as I slipped my thigh between her legs. Cosima let out a satisfied moan, her fingers traveling over my shoulders, back and buttocks while my hips began to grind against her, leaving a trail of wetness on her skin.

“I want you,” she panted, tangling her fingers in my golden locks. I pressed my leg harder against her womanhood and automatically reached for the bedside table, opening a drawer to pull out the small bottle of lube I bought last week after a heated argument. Cosima still hasn’t accept the fact that she has trouble getting wet and I refuse to hurt her, so that’s why I suggested buying the lube, to make it a little easier for her, but she wasn’t having any of it and we ended up fighting. It took her a few days to come to the conclusion that it was actually a good idea. I also noticed that she became a little more confident since we started using it. 

“Delphine I’m sor…”

“Shhh,” I shushed her, coating my fingers with the liquid before I let them slide between her folds. We groaned in unison, relishing the intimate feeling while I touched her tentatively, rubbing the pad of my thumb over her sensitive clit.

“I love you,” she moaned, her voice cracking with emotion. “This feels so good. I’m so happy Delphine.”

I didn’t say anything, but pressed my lips against hers, emphasizing my love for her. We caressed each other’s faces, breasts and bellies, until Cosima’s moans grew louder, causing me to grind harder.

“ _Merde_ ,” I cursed, sinking my teeth into her shoulder as my fingers entered her. Her smooth inner walls gripped my digits tightly, desperately trying to keep me in place. I began to thrust in long slow strokes, until Cosima’s legs began to shake, tremors racking her body.

“Oh, I think I’m gonna… I… shit that’s fast,” she panted harshly, bucking her hips into my palm, seeking more friction. Her entire body suddenly stiffened under me, making me groan against her neck as her orgasm crashed into her. The perfect sounds coming from Cosima’s mouth and her unexpected orgasm triggered my own peak and I allowed myself to fall over the edge, drowning in pleasure while I continued the stroking of my fingers deep inside my lover’s convulsing heat, guiding her through the aftershocks.

“Holy watershed,” she breathed, chest heaving as she came down from her high. She peppered my sweaty face with kisses, tears rolling down her cheeks while her hands massaged my shoulders. “Perfect.”

“Hmm,” I hummed my agreement, slowly pulling out of her. The action earned me a low groan of disapproval and I smiled knowingly.

“Sorry sweetheart,” I chuckled, kissing her cheek before I positioned myself beside her, taking her in my arms. We lay like that for a little while, stroking each other’s hot skin as our spent and satisfied bodies took their time to wake up.

“This is such a good way to start the day,” she sighed, squeezing my hip. “We should do this more often babe.”

The sound of small stomping feet in the bedroom next to ours reached our ears, causing my body to tense up instantly. _Merde_ , I hope our lovemaking isn’t the reason why he’s up so early.

“Cosima,” I gasped, trying to push her towards the other side of the bed as I covered our bodies with the sheets. Her son usually wakes up around seven, and he always comes to our room in the morning to snuggle with his mom for a few minutes. It’s part of his morning routine and I’m slowly, very slowly, growing used to waking up with a toddler in my bed. “Hugo is awake.”

“I know,” she shrugged, brushing her hand over my breast and up to my neck. “It’s okay. Don’t panic, it’s not like we’re in the middle of it. We’re only cuddling a bit. Let’s not be uptight and prudish about it.”

“But we’re naked!”

“Yeah so? You think my son hasn’t seen a naked woman before?”

“I know he has Cosima, but I don’t feel comf…”

I didn’t get the chance to finish my sentence, because the door of our bedroom swung open and a little boy dressed in the cutest pyjamas I’ve ever seen, ran towards our bed the second he spotted his mom.

He let out a high-pitched squeal and a huge grin formed on Cosima’s face, kissing me one last time before she turned onto her other side to take her son into her arms.

“Goodmorning dude,” she greeted him cheerfully. “Did you sleep well?”

He nodded vigorously, his eyes sparkling with excitement at the sight of his mother. I couldn’t contain my smile, Hugo is so obsessed with his mom, he adores her and I can tell he’ll grow into a decent young man with a lot of respect for ambitious and intelligent women, or women in general. Cosima is doing such a good job, seeing her in this mother role is still surreal and it still scares me, but their bond is very intriguing. Cosima as a mother is not as off-putting as I thought it would be.

“Let’s go downstairs okay budddy? We should let Delphine sleep for another hour.”

Cosima lifted Hugo off her and left him sitting on the bed as she walked over to her closet, grabbing a clean pair of panties. The boy looked at his mom for a second, before he locked his eyes on mine. I instinctively drew the sheets up to my chin, hoping it would make me invisible somehow. He shot me a goofy smile and launched forward, wrapping his small arms around my neck. I sucked in a breath and clutched the sheets in my fists… he’s never embraced me with so much enthusiasm, in fact; he never acknowledged my presence in the bedroom during his morning snuggles with is mother, so this is… new. Cosima let out a chuckle and fastened the belt of her red knee-length kimono style robe, the one I find incredibly sexy, around her waist.

“Are you happy to see Delphine?” she whispered into his ear before she freed me from his embrace.

“Mmm,” he nodded, blowing me a kiss, making me warm inside.

“You’re such a little charmer. Now, let’s go downstairs so you can make Delphine a cup of coffee in your kitchen.

* * *

 

I closed the button of my jeans, applied some makeup and walked downstairs as the smell of coffee filled my nostrils. I wasn’t able to fall asleep again and decided to get up, take a shower and have breakfast with my girlfriend, before I have to teach a class at eleven. Cosima wasn’t sitting on the couch and I didn’t spot Hugo playing on the floor, but heard a soft singing voice coming from the kitchen and I curiously peeked around the corner. My body froze on the spot and my eyes widened at the sight of Cosima sitting in a chair, the left sleeve of her robe down her shoulder, holding her son like a baby as she nursed him. She is singing a children’s song I haven’t heard before, her free hand is folded around a steaming cup of coffee and her eyes are fixed on her toddler.

I’ve seen her bathe him, dress him, change his diaper, read him a story and push his stroller, but seeing her nurse her son is a whole other level. She’s never done it in front of me and I don’t know why, but I think it has something to do with the conversation between her and her sisters on her birthday last month.

“Oh my God,” she gasped when she saw me standing in the doorway. We stared at each other for two slow agonizing seconds, until Cosima roughly removed her son from her breast, hissing in pain. She jumped to her feet and hastily covered herself up as Hugo began to cry almost instantly.

“I’m so sorry Delphine,” she apologized, putting her hands up in the air as she walked towards me, almost tripping over her own bare feet. “I thought you had fallen asleep again. I didn’t hear you coming downstairs. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” I asked as Cosima handed Hugo his pacifier, distracting him from a rapidly approaching tantrum.

“Because…” she started, trying to find words. “I know that you’re still struggling with the thought of me being a mother, seeing me with him.”

“I like your son Cosima,” I said, feeling a little offended.

“I know babe,” she whispered, standing in front of me. “But you just saw me breastfeeding my child… it doesn’t get more real than that Delphine.”

“It’s been real for quite some time now chérie.”

“Did it make you feel uncomfortable? You know… seeing me like that?”

“What?” I huffed, my eyes widening. “No, of course not. Yes, it’s… confronting and I’m still not completely used to seeing you in your new role, but you could never make me feel uncomfortable _mon amour_.”

“Are you sure?”

“ _Oui_ ,” I nodded, leaning in to press a kiss to her lips. “Je t'aime.”

“This won’t change anything Delphine, don’t worry about that. I’m not gonna nurse Hugo in front of you now,” she smiled, tucking my hair behind my ears.

“I don’t care, you can do it in front of me. I love you.”

“Really?” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. “Does that mean I can do it in our bed in the morning? I always did that before you moved in.”

I suddenly felt extremely guilty. My dislike towards children made her change her habits and a few crucial aspects in Hugo’s life, because she wanted me to feel welcome, to feel comfortable. _Merde_ , I feel like such an asshole right now.

“I never asked you to change those things for me Cosima, you should nurse Hugo wherever you want. I truly don’t care.”

“Thank you,” she whispered and I could literally see the relief wash over her face. “That’s gonna be strange in the beginning. I haven’t nursed him in front of someone since his first birthday, not even my sisters.”

“Seriously?”

“Hmm no,” she chuckled. “I don’t really care about it when Hugo and I are visiting Rick and Caroline in San Fran, but other than that… no, I only breastfeed him at home… when we’re alone.”

I opened my mouth to ask her who Rick and Caroline were, but she turned around, pressed a kiss on top of Hugo’s head, who made me a cup of coffee in his play kitchen, and began to speak again.

“Do you wanna have breakfast with me Delphine? Your class starts at eleven right? I’ll have to drop off Hugo at daycare around eight, so we’ve got some time left.”

“N…non,” I shook my head, suddenly needing space and I didn’t know why exactly. “I’m heading to my office right now to prepare today’s classes. I’ll see you at dinner okay?”

“Oh…” she sighed, clearly disappointed with my answer. “Okay… yeah. I’ll see you tonight.”

I gave her a small nod and  took the plastic cup from Hugo’s hands, thanking him for the delicious non-existent coffee and quickly left the house.

* * *

 

“Okay everyone, that’s it for today. I’ll see you next week and please do a little study preparation beforehand this time. I’m not gonna teach you something if you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about,” I said, closing my own study book. “ _Merci_ guys.”

The students gathered their stuff and left the classroom one by one. I glanced at Kyle and Elliot, smiling when I saw them talking to each other, there’s definitely something going on between them. Elliot reached out and took Kyle’s hand in his, squeezing it affectionately before Kyle snapped his head to the side and locked his eyes on mine, wearing a shocked expression on his face.

“It’s okay,” I smiled, pulling my chapstick out of my handbag to moisturize my lips. The boy shot me a thankful look and I closed the door behind them after they had left the classroom. I put on my coat, wrapped my scarf around my neck and was about to leave when one of my students walked into the room.

“ _Mon Dieu_ ,” I gasped, startled by his unannounced visit. “You scared me Dylan.”

“I’m sorry professor Cormier, I just want to talk to you.”

“About what? Are you having trouble with today’s subject? I noticed that you weren’t paying attention during my class.”

“No not really,” he shook his head, coming closer. His presence made me feel very uncomfortable all of a sudden.

“D…Dylan,” I stuttered, stepping backwards, until my butt hit the desk. “What is it?”

“I just…” he whispered and I immediately felt threatened, standing between the desk and this rugby player. My colleagues already left, Dan is at the other side of the building, he’s never gonna hear me scream. I glanced at the door and noticed that Dylan had closed it, the realization made me shiver as an icy tingle traveled up my spine.

“Dylan,” I managed to choke out. “Why are you here?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this professor Cormier,” he said quietly, standing very close now. “But I want you to know, so that you can be a little more careful perhaps.”

“O… okay,” I nodded, digging my nails into the desk.

“One of the students spread a rumor about you around campus and it’s getting a little out of hand now.”

“A rumor?”

“Yes, they believe that you and Miss Niehaus are having an affair. I don’t know if it’s true, I don’t really care if you and Cos… ehm… Miss Niehaus are lovers, but I just wanted you to know.”

“Thank you Dylan,” I smiled, sighing in relief. “That’s really kind.”

“Good, enjoy your evening professor Cormier and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes, bye Dylan.”

The young man left the classroom and I quickly sat down in my chair, trying to calm my trembling body and control my pounding heart. My God, that was… terrifying. An affair… with Cosima? That’s what those students think? I couldn’t help but feel a little cheap and dirty, it’s not an affair. Cosima and I love each other, we’re soulmates, not some lovers who hook up every now and then to return to our partners afterwards. The sound of my phone put an end to my thoughts and I reached inside my handbag, glancing at the screen. My heart began to beat even harder and a layer of sweat started to form at the back of my neck as my eyes took in the name of the person who had sent me a text. Ed…

I quickly opened his message and nothing could have prepared me for the image that danced in front of my eyes. My heart almost jumped out of my chest and my lungs stopped functioning for a moment. Ed had sent me a picture of the five clones, one of the pictures I had seen on Cosima’s shelf, the picture that was taken at Felix’s wedding. Ed clearly found it on Charlotte’s social media account, all the clones were tagged in the photo, except for Cosima of course, she doesn’t have social media.

_It’s the one on the left right? The one with the dreadlocks and glasses? The other ones are involved with guys and the one in the middle seems very young to be your gf. The ugly one is Cosima, right Del? Your pussy-licking lover?_

I gasped for air, tears rolling down my cheeks as I deleted Ed’s message. Fuck… I really need a cigarette. I stood up, grabbed my keys from the desk and ran towards the door when my phone began to vibrate again. Another picture… of Cosima in a hospital bed, her arm wrapped around Charlotte, who was holding a small baby. I quickly read the caption that also included a few heart emojis. S _o much love for my sister Cos and her handsome baby. Welcome to our weird little family Hughie,_ it said.

Oh my God…

_You left me for a dyke with a kid Delphine? You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re seriously testing my self-control Cormier._

I deleted this text too and decided to call Cosima. I need to know if she’s okay. If he had contacted her as well.

“Hi babe,” she greeted me happily, sounding far away. Good, she’s driving, that’s a good thing. “What’s up?”

“Where are you?” I barked, my voice angry and demanding. Shit, I don’t want to take this out on her. She’ll grow suspicious and we can’t have that.

“Ehm,” she snorted, obviously taken aback by the aggression in my tone. “I’m in the car. I just picked up Hugo and we’re going home.”

“Okay,” I sighed in relief, my heart rate finally slowing down. “Good.”

“Are you okay Delphine?”

“Yes.”

“Shall I pick you up too? Let’s go out for dinner.”

“Sounds good,” I nodded, rubbing the back of my neck. “But my car…”

“Leave it in the parking lot, that’s fine.”

“Okay.”

“Great! I’ll see you in five minutes,” she said, hanging up before I could respond.

It took Cosima fifteen minutes to arrive on campus, making me worry all over again.

“Hi,” she smiled, stepping into my office. She looks amazing again, of course, but something was missing.

“Where’s Hugo?” I snapped, snatching my handbag off the desk.

“He’s in the car, fast asleep. I didn’t want to wake him up.”

“ARE YOU INSANE!”  

“Wow, chill dude. I do it all the time, it’s only for a minute.”

“A lot can happen in a minute Cosima.”

I grabbed her hand and dragged her out of the building. Her short legs were having trouble to keep up with my pace, but I didn’t slow down. What if Ed had followed her? Kidnapped Hugo and buried him on uni grounds…

“Delphine, you’re acting weird, but your aggression is turning me on,” she giggled, opening the car from a distance.

“This is not funny Cosima!” I huffed, opening the car door and almost cried in relief when I spotted Hugo in his car seat, sleeping soundly.

“See? He’s perfectly fine,” she smiled, starting the engine as I sat down in the passenger seat. “You’re so cute.”

* * *

 

The fast food restaurant is pretty crowded and I still have this eerie feeling that’s making me nauseous. I glanced at my lover’s son, who was chewing on a chicken nugget.

“What’s up with you Delphine? You haven’t eaten anything yet,” Cosima said, pointing at my veggie burger and fries. “You’re not hungry?”

“ _Non_.”

“How come?”

“Stomach ache.”

“Cramps?”

“Kinda,” I shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.

“Are you expecting your period Delphine? Just tell me if that’s the case, because I’ll have to buy you tampons tomorrow. You won’t find those in my house.”

“Yes,” I whispered, it wasn’t a lie but it’s also not the cause of my stomach ache.

“Okay… you wanna try my spinach wrap? It’s really good.”

“No, thank you,” I smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek. “I love you Cosima.”

“I love you too,” she giggled, blushing lightly. She cupped my face in her hands and crashed her lips against mine, her mouth still full of spinach and a tiny drop of sauce on her lips. Cosima pulled back after a few seconds, licking her bottom lip as she furrowed her brow in deep thought.

“What is it?” I chuckled.

“Hmm, I’m not sure if that was a good kiss,” she said. “Come here and let me try again.”

She kissed me again, our lips pressed against each other for a little while longer, until Hugo decided that he had enough, wiggling his tiny hand between our joined mouths.

“Ssss,” he demanded, pointing his little finger in the air to give us a stern warning.

“What did you say?” Cosima asked, tears filling her eyes.

“Sss,” he repeated, shooting me an angry glare.

“Stop?” Cosima whispered as a single tear escaped the corner of her eye. “Is that what you’re trying to say honey?”

The little boy nodded enthusiastically, a bright grin forming on his face. Cosima took him into her arms and peppered his little face with kisses, making him giggle uncontrollably.

“Oh my God. I’m so proud of you dude.”

I studied Cosima’s face intently as she continued to hug and kiss her son. She looks so relieved, proud and extremely happy. It’s such a minimal step, saying the letter ‘s’ instead of an ‘m’, but to Cosima it’s huge and her happiness over such a small thing makes me feel all warm inside. Cosima has never been very satisfied or pleased with small progresses, with minimal results when it came to her studies, but I guess she was forced to lower her expectations when Hugo arrived, and that must be tough for her, trying to feel happy and proud with the minimal progress and slow development of her son. But she’s doing an outstanding job and I’m so proud of her.

“You’re so smart buddy,” she whispered into his ear. “Mommy loves you so much.”

“Cosima?” a woman’s voice filled my ears. I turned my head to the side and took in the tall woman standing beside our table, long blonde curls, a young face, barely twenty-five years of age, beautiful eyes, big breasts and round hips. _Merde_ , she’s absolutely gorgeous and… she knows my girlfriend. I instantly felt intimidated.

“No way!” Cosima exclaimed, jumping to her feet, placing Hugo on her hip before she enveloped the woman in a warm embrace. “What a nice surprise.”

“Yes, you can certainly say that,” the woman said, and that’s when I noticed a thick French accent seeping through her tone. “I haven’t heard from you in a while, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, ehm,” Cosima responded, blushing furiously. “I’m great.”

“Is this Hugo?” the woman smiled, reaching out to touch Hugo’s arm.

“Yeah, this is my son.”

“My God, he looks like you Cos. I could have sworn that he’s a male version of you, you know… like a male clone,” she laughed at her own joke, making me cringe in my seat.

“Yeah, that would have been disturbing,” Cosima nodded, her eyes sparkling with happiness. “No cloning.”

“How old is he now?”

“He just turned two last week.”

“What a cutie. And who is this?” she asked, looking at me.

“That’s ehm,” Cosima started, acting incredibly awkward all of a sudden. “That’s Delphine, my girlfriend.”

“Oh, your girlfriend? Now I understand,” the blonde French chick nodded, shaking my hand. “That’s great news Cosima.”

“Yes.”

“I would love to catch up with you this weekend if you’d like? Just bad coffee and a good croissant?”

“I don’t…” my girlfriend whispered.

“No not like that Cosima.”

Cosima looked at me for a second, before she locked her eyes on the blonde again.

“Sounds great. Saturday, 11 am?”

“Perfect,” the woman said, hugging Cosima goodbye.

My lover’s eyes followed her, licking her bottom lip as the woman left the fast food restaurant. I can’t really explain, but a strange feeling started to form in the pit of my stomach. Who is this woman? She could be a friend from Cosima’s past, but judging by their interaction… it doesn’t seem right. Cosima was way too happy to see her again.

“Who was that?” I asked as sweetly as I could.

Cosima sat down in her chair and pulled Hugo into her lap, blushing madly with her eyes focused on her plate. She refuses to look at me and that makes me even more curious.

“Cosima? Who was that?”

She opened her mouth, still not looking at me as a faint whisper filled my ears.

“Louise.”


	14. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a possible trigger. There's a very mild and vague reference to sexual abuse, it's not mentioned, only implied, but I just wanted to let you know before you start reading. 
> 
> I'm switching POV a few times in this one, but it's all pretty clear. Hope you'll it.

“Come on,” she smiled, tickling Hugo’s ribs before she lifted him out of his high chair. “Wanna give Delphine a kiss?”

He looked at me for a second, considering his mother’s suggestion before he shook his head. Hugo surprised both of us last night when he began to cry hysterically as Cosima tried to carry him upstairs. My girlfriend didn’t have a clue what was going on with her boy and it took her almost fifteen minutes to figure out he just wanted to kiss me goodnight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so frustrated with her son as last night.

“You don’t?” she giggled, placing him on her hip. “Delphine is not a good kisser?”

He shook his head wildly, his dark curls bobbing with the movement while a cheeky smile began to form across his face, making me snort in amusement.

“She isn’t? You’ve had better in your young life?”

The little boy nodded affirmatively, giggling in his tiny hands as Cosima gave me a flirtatious wink.

“Who? Is it Elsie?” I teased, standing up from my seat as he began to squeal. “I can’t believe you’re choosing a two-year-old girl over me Hugo. I’ve got a lot more life experience. I’m much more emotionally developed and I’m financially stable.”

“Oh Delphine is right isn’t she? You’re secretly kissing Elsie when she stays over?” Cosima laughed, hugging her son closer to her chest. “You can tell me baby, I won’t get mad at you. I always secretly kissed the boy next door when I was three.”

He gave us another head shake, drooling a little in his excitement.

“Is it Lila from daycare?” she asked, wiping the saliva from his chin with her sleeve as he shook his head again.

“No? You’re making me curious now Hugo,” I chuckled, opening a bottle of red wine. “Who is a better kisser than me?”

He looked at me as if I just asked him the stupidest question ever and tapped his tiny index finger against his mother’s sternum.

“Ahw,” I swooned, walking over to him to rub his back. “You’re gonna make a woman so happy one day mister Prince Charming.”

“I love you Hughie,” Cosima whispered into his ear, kissing his cheek. “I’m gonna put you to bed.”

She turned around and walked into the livingroom before she disappeared from my sight. She stopped asking me if I want to help her, knowing that taking care of Hugo is still way out of my comfort zone. I don’t want to bathe him, brush his teeth, change his diaper of read him a story before bedtime, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel comfortable enough to do those things. Thankfully, Cosima isn’t pushing me and she doesn’t expect anything.

I took another sip of wine and relaxed back into my seat as my mind began to race. Cosima is meeting that French chick for brunch tomorrow and don’t know what to think. She doesn’t want to talk about it, refuses to tell me more about the woman and I still don’t know how they met. I mean… I have my suspicions, but I can’t prove them.

“He’s asleep,” she said as she entered the kitchen thirty minutes later.

“Good.”

“Delphine, is everything allright? You were very quiet at dinner.”

“Hmm,” I shrugged, swirling the red liquid around in my mouth, filling my taste buds with a bitter flavor.

“Are you angry with me?”

“I don’t know Cosima. I just don’t feel good.”

“Okay,” she whispered, sitting across from me as she folded her hands on the table. “Is this about tomorrow?”

“Non… oui… je ne sais pas.”

“You’re angry at me for meeting Louise for brunch isn’t it?”

“I’m not sure if I’m angry or…” I whispered, finally meeting her gaze. “Disappointed.”

“Disappointed?” she said, exhaling a deep sigh. “With me?”

“Oui.”

“Why? I haven’t done anything wrong!”

“You think?” I laughed humorlessly. “She’s the woman you told me about right? The prostitute?”

“Don’t call her that,” Cosima hissed, putting her palms flat on the table.

“Don’t call her a prostitute? That’s what she is Cosima! She fucks others for money… and you had sex with her… multiple times.”

“Delphine! Stop being a bitch!”

“No! You’re naive! Why do you think she wants to meet you in the first place?”

“Because we haven’t seen each other in a while, she’s interested in my life.”

“No! She’s interested in you! In your body and your money.”

My girlfriend jumped up from her chair, her eyes blazing with anger behind her glasses and her lips pursed into a thin line as a furious flush crept up her neck. Oh shit…

“DELPHINE!” she shrieked, her hands fisted at her sides. “Louise is a professional and our brunch has nothing to do with her job. We’re not going to end up in bed together, jeez. She’s not that cheap… _I_ am not that cheap!”

“Cosima, did you see how she looked at you? That’s definitely on her mind,” I said, losing my patience. I love Cosima, but she’s so goddamn naive sometimes. “You clearly did something right when she was screwing you.”

“Excuse me? That’s a low blow Delphine,” she said, her bottom lip trembling. She is looking at me as if I punched her in the face, suddenly looking like a small child, rejected by her parents.

“A low blow?”

“I know our sexlife isn’t great because of my new body Delphine,” she whispered, avoiding my penetrating gaze. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t do anything right.”

“Merde Cosima!” I shouted, frustrated with her assumptions. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m done! I’m not gonna argue with you. I’m going out for brunch tomorrow and that’s it. End of story! I’m not your property for fuck’s sake.”

“I don’t want you to go! That woman has other intentions.”

“SO WHAT!” she screamed, her face red with anger. “You don’t trust me Delphine! That’s what you’re actually saying, you know that?”

“Non, that’s not…”

“You’re the one who cheated on me! With FUCKING Ed!”

“That’s not fair,” I whispered, looking down at my hands in my lap, knowing I’m the one who is being unfair and unreasonable right now.

“IT IS! You’re…” she shouted, her face losing all color all of a sudden. She grabbed the edge of the table, breathing heavily through her nose.

“Cosima?” I asked worriedly, reaching out to touch her hand. She backed away and walked over to the stove, facing away from me.

“Cosima, are you okay chérie?” I repeated, standing up as my heart began to beat wildly. I let out a loud yelp when my lover suddenly collapsed on the floor, her body stilled for a second before it began to convulse and shake.

“COSIMA!” I heard myself scream, running towards her. My eyes took in the red digital numbers on the oven as I knelt beside her: 8.34 pm. “ _Don’t panic Delphine_ ”, I whispered to myself when I rolled my girlfriend onto her side and took off her glasses. “ _There’s no blood. She’s not dying_.”

I began to stroke her hair, smiling as the coarse texture of her dreads tickled my palm. Cosima’s convulsions aren’t as violent as I’ve seen in other people, but hers are so much more frightening. I glanced at the digital clock again. 8.35 pm. It should be over soon, her seizures never last longer than a minute.

“Mon amour,” I whispered softly, looking into her staring eyes. The expression on her face is lifeless and even though she’s staring up at the ceiling, I know she couldn’t see anything. “It’s okay.”

8.36…

I’m getting anxious now and knew I had every right to be when I glanced at her lips… blue. I placed my hand between her breasts and noticed that she wasn’t breathing. That’s normal during seizures, but I can’t remember Cosima turning blue during the seizure in the lab at DYAD seven years ago.

8.37…

“FUCK!” I screamed in panic, standing up to grab my phone from the dinner table, ready to call an ambulance, but I quickly fell to my knees once again when her body suddenly became limp and she automatically rolled herself onto her back.

“Cosima,” I whispered, stroking her sweaty forehead as she started to breathe again. Her disorientated eyes are searching for a spot to focus on, so I carefully placed her glasses back on her nose. “Do you know where you are?”

“Yes,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut in embarrassment.

“Good, do you know what time it is?”

“No, but I remember having dinner with you and putting Hugo to bed.”

I immediately wondered if she also remembered our fight from minutes ago, but she would have mentioned it if she did and the fact that she doesn’t, worries me.

“Allright, are you in pain chérie?”

“My head hurts and I’m thirsty.”

“I’ll get you some water, when you’ve fully regained consciousness” I smiled as Cosima closed her eyes again, probably too exhausted to stay awake. I moved my hand from her forehead to her belly to check if her breathing is regular and normal again, but my whole body tensed up when I noticed a large dark spot between her thighs. “Merde,” I cursed softly, realizing the fabric of her grey sweatpants was completely soaked around the crotch area.

“Cosima,” I whispered, lying beside her, kissing her cheek. “I’ll run you a bath okay sweetheart? Would you like that?”

“Yes,” she smiled, “But let’s wait until my legs regain their strength okay?”

“I’m not gonna let you wait on the cold kitchen floor until your legs start working again,” I responded, standing up before I lifted her off the floor, holding her in bridal style. Cosima wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face in the crook of my shoulder, breathing softly while I carried her upstairs.

“Delphine, my thighs are wet. I know I’m sweating all over when I’m having an episode, but I had no idea that it was this bad. It feels like I peed my pants,” she chuckled.

I opened my mouth to answer her, but didn’t know how to say it without upsetting her, so I just closed my lips again.

“Oh my God,” she gasped when the realization suddenly hit her, covering her mouth with her hand as tears spilled from her eyes.

“It’s okay,” I cooed, placing a kiss on her hairline before I opened the door to the bathroom. “Don’t worry about it.”

She let out a loud wail and smacked her fist against my sternum, the sudden outburst of aggression took me by surprise.

“Put me down!”

“Non.”

“Delphine, stop it,” she repeated, digging her nails into my neck as I placed her on the edge of the tub, opening the buttons of her blouse. “STOP!”

I decided to ignore her and kept silent as I turned on the faucet, filling the tub with water.

“D… Delphine,” she cried, clutching my face while I continued to undress her, pushing the blouse off her shoulders before I unhooked her bra. “Stop please.”

“Cosima.”

“NO! Leave me alone!”

“Leave you alone?” I laughed sarcastically, pulling her up to her feet so I could roll her drenched sweatpants and underwear down her legs. “You can’t even stand up on your own!”

She began to cry harder, sobbing uncontrollably as I lowered her into the tub.

“Pauvre petit chou,” I kissed her cheek, brushing my thumb over the shell of her ear. “Why are you so upset chérie?”

She didn’t answer me and closed her eyes, trying to get her breathing under control as her muscles relaxed in the hot water. I stood up, grabbed a washcloth from her cabinet and washed the tears from her face before I dragged it over her chest and the rest of her body. She gradually grew more relaxed and I couldn’t suppress the smile that formed on my face when Cosima let out a soft sigh of defeat. I’ve never washed her before, but it feels strangely initmate… this requires a deep level of trust. I looked into her warm eyes and I could literally see an inner battle going on in her mind. She’s trying to figure out if she can fully trust me. She’s not convinced and I don’t blame her after everything.

“The seizures are getting worse aren’t they?” I whispered, brushing my fingertips over her arm, shoulder and jaw.

“Yes,” she nodded, swallowing hard as she licked her bottom lip with her eyes still closed. “More frequent and they also last a lot longer since Hugo was born, but _this_ never happened before.”

“Okay,” I sighed, rubbing my temples and I almost cried at the thought of Cosima going through this all alone. Merde. I wonder if those seizures will become even worse in the future, but I’m convinced that I’ll take care of her, as much as she needs and as long as she needs.

“Delphine?”

“Oui?”

“Please, promise me one thing,” she said, touching my cheek. “If something happens to me, please promise me you’ll take care of my son. He’s used to you, he loves this house and his bedroom. Don’t bring him to one of my sisters. Okay?”

“Don’t say that Cosima,” I whispered, swallowing hard. I can’t take care of Hugo, Mon Dieu. I don’t even know how to change a diaper. “Are you tired?”

“Yes.”

“Come on, let’s go to bed.”

“Yeah,” she smiled, allowing me to lift her out of the tub. I dried her off, carried her to the bedroom and helped her into her pyjamas before I took off my own clothes and crawled into bed as well.

“Sweet dreams Cosima,” I whispered, pulling her close as I kissed her temple. She didn’t answer me, already drifting into a deep sleep.

* * *

 

Holy watershed, she looks fucking beautiful in her tight skinny jeans, loose top and biker boots. I jumped up from my seat and bumped my hip against the table, so hard that my coffee spilled over the edge of the cup, making me curse softly.

“Cosima,” she said happily, kissing my cheeks. “So good to see you. How are you?”

“Fine,” I responded, my eyes sparkling with excitement. “Fine, I already ordered you a coffee. Is that okay?”

“Yes, of course.”

The blonde woman sat down across from me and picked up the menu, her eyes scanning all the different sandwiches and salads. My hands were shaking slightly and the feeling of anxiety is surging through my body, but I don’t know why exactly. It’s not like I’m meeting her for the first time, but it sure feels that way.

“Gosh, Cosima, I never expected to bump into you in that fast food restaurant. Your boy is so cute.”

“Yeah,” I beamed, grinning madly. “He’s perfect, my everything.”

“Great! I remember our conversations about his development, how worried you were. Is he walking yet?”

“Yes, he is. Actually, he took his first steps the day after you and I saw each other last time.”

“Oh that’s good news, you must be so relieved.”

“I am,” I nodded, sipping my coffee. “He still isn’t talking though, Sarah thinks he needs to see a doctor.”

“Hmm,” she smiled, reaching out to squeeze my hand. “You know, my brother didn’t talk until he was three and he’s a lawyer now. Just give it time Cos, you can still visit a doctor when he starts school and if he’s still is not talking by then.”

“You’re right Louise.”

I’ve never felt shame, disappointment or failure when I talked about my son with Louise. It may sound strange, but I always feel those things with Sarah, Alison… and even Delphine. I’m not ashamed of my son, of course, but I’m ashamed of myself, for not being able to be the mother I want to be, for not being able to stimulate is intellect like my parents did with me. I know he has it in him, somewhere…

“God, Cosima, I still remember how horrible you felt the first time we met… and look at you now.”

“Yes, it’s not something to be proud of Louise, sex with an escort when you got a baby home.”

“I disagree Cos, but you already knew that. You’re a strong and independent woman, you make your own choices. It’s not all about your child, you don’t have to forget yourself when you become a mom and you didn’t. I seriously admire you.”

“Thank you,” I blushed as a pleasant shiver rushed through me. Her fingers are still stroking the back of my hand and it feels so… safe and familiar. “I want to be a strong and independent woman for my son. I want him to respect women like me when he’s an adult, and not be intimidated by them, just because he’s a man.”

She gave me a sweet smile and brought my hand up to her lips, kissing my palm softly. I know this is three steps too far, but my body responded instantly. Goosebumps appeared in my skin and my heart skipped a beat when I looked into her hazel eyes. I’m not in love with Louise, she’s too young and we're at different stages in our lives, but she means so much to me, she gave me my confidence back.

“Are you still working?” I asked, wondering if she was going to meet a client tonight.

She let go of my hand as her smile faltered and I knew I shouldn’t have asked that question.

“Are you okay?”

“Oui, and non, I’m not working as an escort any longer.”

“What? Why? You didn’t quit your studies did you? You’re only twenty-six Louise.”

Shit, she once told me she accepted that job because it made her quick money… money she needs to complete her Master’s degree.

“No, I’ve got a job at a warehouse. It doesn’t make much money, but enough to pay the bills.”

“Why did you quit?”

“I ehm…” she started, swallowing hard. “Something happened. I don’t wanna talk about it Cosima, but let’s say it was serious enough to quit the next day.”

She didn’t have to say it out loud, a few horrific scenarios already entered my mind.

“Jesus Christ,” I cursed, grabbing her hand. “I’m so sorry Louise, I’m sorry for whatever happened to you. You didn’t deserve it, you’re always so respectful with someone else’s body.”

“Thank you Cosima, but that’s only because _you_ were respectful with mine too.”

She gave me another sweet smile and we stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, until Louise launched forward and cupped my face in her hands, crashing her lips against mine. Holy shit! I can’t explain what happened inside my skull, but my brain stopped functioning and I melted into the kiss before I knew it. I soft moan filled my ears and I couldn’t tell whose it was… probably mine. Louise slowly licked my bottom lip, and I instinctively opened my mouth for her as my primal brain took over. Louise _smells_ familiar, the little noises she makes in the back of her throat _sound_ familiar, her lips _feel_ familiar… safe… and her mouth _tastes_ familiar, like cherries and French cigarettes, but thankfully, my brain reactivated itself when her tongue softly touched mine and I quickly pulled back, ending our kiss abruptly.

“Louise, oh my… I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Her eyes are so big that I’m afraid they’re going to pop out of her head.

“Merde Cosima, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I know you’re in a relationship.”

“I..it’s okay,” I whispered, touching her hand. “I understand, I don’t know how to define the bond we had, but it was definitely special.”

“Yes, you weren’t my regular client. I never enjoyed sex with clients, but it was different with you.”

“Thank you, that’s really kind. I enjoyed it too, our dates, our conversations, the sex that followed. It was great and you really gave my confidence a boost. You helped me rediscover my body… myself.”

“You’re very welcome sweetheart,” she said, squeezing my hand.

We talked about random things after that, about her studies, my sisters, Delphine, my son and Louise’s therapy sessions, until she had to go.

“Thanks for meeting me Cosima,” she whispered, putting on her coat. “I’m so happy for you. It’s great that you and Delphine are back together.”

“Yeah, give me a call okay?”

“Sure.”

She enveloped me in a tight embrace and brushed her hand over my dreads as she kissed my cheek.

“Bye Cos.”

* * *

 

My hands are shaking, turning a simple task like putting a key into the keyhole into a serious challenge. I’m nervous, nauseous and sweating all over when I stepped into my house. The smell of burning wood filled my nostrils and the sound of classical music reached my ears… Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy. She’s home… and she’s gonna leave me after what happened between Louise and me… after what happened in the kitchen yesterday. Fuck, I don’t even want Delphine to stay if my seizures keep getting worse. I don’t want her to take care of me, she’s not my doctor… or bathe me after an episode like the one I had last night, we’re not eighty yet.

“Bonjour chérie,” she greeted me, standing up from the couch with a glass of red wine in her hand… and that worries me. She never drinks wine before dinner, I hope it’s not because of Louise, but my gut tells me something else.

“Hi,” I smiled, feeling too dirty to look at her as she slowly shuffled towards me. Her warm lips pressed a kiss to my cheek and I can’t even describe the unpleasant sensation that crept up my spine.

“Where’s Hugo?” she asked, her voice sounds a little panicked. She’s so protective of my son lately, it’s cute.

“Still at Alison’s,” I whispered as tears escaped my eyes. “I just wanted to come home Delphine.”

“What happened?”

She took my hand in hers and guided me to the couch, her eyes full of worry.

“Did something happen chérie?”

“Y…yes,” I hiccuped, squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn’t bear to look at her, but I want to be honest. “We kissed.”

I braced myself for an outburst, for a slap in the face… but it never came. I peeked through my lashes and wished I hadn’t once I saw the hurt and betrayal in her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Delphine…”

“Shut up.”

“Delphine, please,” I sobbed, reaching out to touch her hand. “I’m so sorry.”

“Who started it Cosima?”

“She did.”

“Merde,” she cursed under her breath, but she didn’t pull her hand away and allowed me to stroke it. “I told you that was what she was after!”

“I know you warned me babe, but it took her by sursprise too. I can’t really explain, but it was kind of a magnetic pull.”

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Delphine, please,” I begged, my heart crumbling into a million pieces. “Louise and I have a history okay? She’s special to me, but I didn’t want to kiss her, so I stopped her.”

“You didn’t kiss her back?”

“No.”

“Oh my God,” she whispered and I saw relief wash over her face before she jumped up from the couch to put extra wood in the fireplace. “She’s got some nerve Cosima. She saw me at that restaurant and you introduced me as your girlfriend. She knows you’re mine.”

My eyes widened at her words and I stood up as well, touching her back as another sob escaped from my girlfriend’s mouth. I don’t want to be someone’s property, not after everything that happened with DYAD, but hearing the possessive tone in Delphine’s voice, causes a familiar tingling between my legs. She spinned around and suddenly grabbed my face with her hands, our noses touching.

“Are you?” she asked angrily with fire in her eyes.

“W..what?” I stuttered, startled by her sudden dominance.

“Are you mine?”

“Y…yes.”

“Good,” she purred, pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “Take off your shirt.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me Cosima.”

I studied her face, trying to analyze her expression. She isn’t joking… but I can’t tell what she’s trying to do either. Humiliate me? Dominate me? Her demeanor is scaring me, but it also excites me at the same time. I slowly took off my shirt and dropped it to the floor as Delphine knelt in front of me, placing her glass of wine on the coffee table before she began to play with the button of my jeans.

“What are you doing babe?” I giggled nervously, my cheeks blushing a light shade of pink.

“What does it look like?” she answered in a low voice, rolling my jeans down my legs.

“I… I ehm…”

“Hmm,” she smiled, looking satisfied with my utter confusion as she let her hands glide up my sides, making me shiver in pleasure. My body is craving the contact, her delicate and soft hands on my skin. Her fingers traveled up my back and expertly unhooked my bra in one swift movement before she pushed the straps off my shoulders and tossed it to the floor.

“Turn around.”

I was so stunned by her uncharacteristic behavior that I didn’t dare to ask more questions, so I simply  complied and turned around, focusing my eyes on Felix’s canvas on the wall. Delphine’s mouth pressed a string of kisses along my spine while she slowly moved her hands to my front, massaging my breasts.

“Oh,” I moaned softly, looking down at my chest, watching the movements of her long fingers, kneading my flesh, the feeling of her lips on my back… it turns me on. There’s something thrilling about not being able to see her and I wonder what it would be like if she decides to blindfold me. I squeezed my thighs together at the fantasy and let out a soft yelp when Delphine dragged her tongue along my spine.

It didn’t take long before she took off my panties as well. Her lips began to kiss my butt crack, making me shiver once again. My legs are shaking with anticipation and there’s a certain ache between my legs that I haven’t felt in years, not even with Louise.

“Delphine,” I whispered with an intense longing in my voice, circling my thumb over the patch of hair above my sex before I slipped my fingers between my folds. A soft gasp escaped my mouth at the abundant wetness I found there. I haven’t been this wet in years and memories of Delphine and I in our younger years flooded my mind… in my apartment back in Minnesota, in my lab, in Felix’s bed. God I’ve missed that.

“Hey!” she said in a stern voice, grabbing my wrist, yanking my hand away from my swollen sex. “I don’t remember giving you permission to touch yourself.”

Another wave of arousal rushed through me, her dominance and her need of being in control is incredibly sexy.

“Delphine,” I whined as she curled her fingers around my hips, kissing the small of my back. “Please.”

“Non.”

“Babe, please.” My voice sounds needy and I would have been embarrassed if I wasn’t extremely aroused right now. “I’m so wet for you.”

My lover stopped the movements of her lips and fingers, digging her nails into my hips. I covered her hands with mine, stroking them with my thumbs.

“Are you serious? Or are you saying this because you’re trying to excite me?” she whispered, relaxing her hands.

“No, I’m fucking wet Delphine,” I whispered, shaking my head as I lowered myself in her lap. My body was trembling with longing and anticipation and I just couldn’t stand up any longer.

“Good girl,” she purred into my ear, pressing her chest against my back. Her lips began to kiss my neck while her hands started to stroke my thighs.

“Delphine, please take off your clothes. I need to feel your skin on mine.”

“I’m in charge Cosima,” she groaned, moving her fingers up to my breasts, massaging them roughly until she shoved her hands under my butt and pushed me up to my feet. “Stand up.”

I did was I was told and let my eyes follow her as she walked over to the couch, grabbed a few cushions and placed them on the Persian rug in front of the fireplace. Arabesque No. 1 by Debussy was playing now and I licked my lips as Delphine took off her clothes. She stepped out of her panties and walked towards me, swaying her hips in a sensual seductive way. A soft groan rumbled inside my chest at the sight of her… fuck.

“Cosima,” she whispered against my lips, moving my hands behind my back and she held them in place so I couldn’t touch her. She kissed my jaw and my throat, our nipples grazing against each other. My sex grew wetter and I groaned in frustration, rolling my hips against hers.

“Greedy?” she teased, pushing her breasts against mine before she lowered us to the floor.

“Hmm,” I nodded, hissing when the cold hardwood floor came in contact with the warm skin of my butt. She roughly opened my legs and spread my outer labia with her thumb and forefinger.

“Jesus, fuck… my god Cosima,” she cursed while her eyes took in my slick sex. “You’re practically dripping chérie.”

“That’s what I said,” I laughed cheekily, raising my eyesbrows at her. She parted her legs too en manoeuvred them under mine, placing her hands at the small of my back.

“I… I don’t know how to do this,” she whispered, still looking at my vulva. “I’ve never done this before.”

“Come here,” I smiled, placing one leg over hers as I snaked the other under her right one. She’s allowing me to take control now and a cheeky comment almost escaped my mouth, but I quickly pursed my lips together, not wanting to break the bubble of trust and intimacy that’s surrounding us. I never suggested this kind of sex when we were together seven years ago, because I thought it might have been a little too much for her as a budding lesbian. I mean, she was used to fingers, mouths and dicks, not to a wet vulva rubbing against her own. I didn’t want to rush her process of figuring out her sexuality. But now that I think about it, maybe it wouldn’t have been too much at all.

I cupped her butt in my hands and pushed her pelvis towards me as I scooted closer to her, bringing our most intimate parts together.

“Oh my God,” she sighed, claiming my lips. We kissed for a few minutes, exploring each other’s mouths until we had to break the kiss in order to breathe. She’s panting harshly through her nose when I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, my own chest heaving, my lungs struggling to fill themselves with oxygen, but this feels too intimate to stop now.

“Lean back on your elbows,” I said, applying pressure to her sternum with my palm. She followed my instructions and I got into position as well, rolling my hips forward. The first experimental move had the effect I was hoping for, I smiled to myself as Delphine let out a loud moan and threw her head back in pleasure.

“Good?” I asked in a hoarse voice, rubbing myself against her.

“Yes.”

Drops of sweat appeared around her navel and her hips began to move, tentatively and slow at first, but she quickly grew more confident and felt comfortable enough to let herself get lost in the rhythm of our grinding hips, creating a delicious friction for both of us. It was only a matter of minutes until Delphine’s loud moans filled the livingroom, the sound of another classical masterpiece by Debussy fading into the background. I didn’t hesitate and moved a little harder against her, panting harshly as sweat formed on my forehead. God, this position is far from ideal, it’s a complete work out, but of course I’m all up for it if she wants to try this.

“Cosima!” she shouted, arching her back before her whole body tensed up for a few long seconds, her legs shaking en trembling with pleasure while she almost kicked me in the face. I grabbed her foot and held it still, until her body relaxed and she collapsed on the rug.

“Holy shit,” she panted, caressing her own breast as her body occasionally convulsed with aftershocks.

“That good hmm?” I chuckled, kissing the inside of her thighs before I positioned myself beside her. I closed my eyes, trying to catch my breath, but Delphine surprised me immensely when she suddenly flipped me over and ordered me to get on all fours.

“W..what?”

Is this some kind of sick game? Some twisted mindfuck about power? First, she’s all in control, then she allowes me to take control and now she wants it back? What’s going on with her? I was about to protest, but my body already obliged and I was on hands and knees before I could stop myself.

Delphine positioned herself behind me, hands roaming over my back, massaging my shoulders and lower back, until she curled her fingers around my hips and pressed her pelvis against my ass, rubbing her clit over my right cheek.

I instantly felt small and submissive, but not in a bad way. She wants me, it’s so obvious and she may think that she’s dominating me now, but I’m to one who’s actually in control.

“Delphine,” I purred, wiggling my ass as I looked over my shoulder, gazing into her lust clouded eyes. She’s so far gone, holy shit.

“Did Louise ever get to see you like this?” she asked in a low voice, referring to my submissive position.

“What? Are you jealous?” I smiled, pushing my tongue between my teeth.

“Cosima,” she growled, grabbing a fistful of dreads before she yanked my head back. I let out a loud moan of pleasure, of surprise and anticipation. “This is not a good time to act cheeky.”

“Ouch, I think I just hit a sore spot,” I giggled, hoping she would do it again.

“You’re mine okay?” she barked, digging her nails into my hip as her other hand roughly pulled my hair again. Her hips thrusts forward as she pulled my ass into her, creating a sound of slapping thighs that I’ve only heard in hetero porn so far. She repeated the motion again and again, the act and sound didn’t disgust me like it does whenever I hear it in movies. No, in fact; it turns me on even more and I think it is because of how powerful and dominant Delphine is in this position. Holy watershed. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so feminine during sex.

“I’m going to penetrate you okay?” she asked, her voice a lot softer and warmer than before.

“Yes, yes,” I moaned, breathing heavily. “Please, yes.”

I moaned even louder when Delphine’s fingers carefully entered me, giving me a few seconds to adjust before she started moving in and out of me. I can tell I’m not going to last long.

“Jesus mon amour, you feel so good.”

I hummed in pleasure and felt an enormous wave of relief wash over me when Delphine pushed my upper half down onto the cushions.

“Get comfortable,” she encouraged, never stopping the movements between my legs. I’ve never felt so exposed as I do right now, with my ass up in the air, my legs spread wide open, and Delphine behind me, offering her a good view of _every_ part of my body. I’m putting all my trust in her, I’m giving myself to her… my body, my vulnerability, my trust, my mind and my heart… and I hope it’s enough to make her stay. I’ve never felt so connected to anyone in my entire life.

“Delphine, oh please…. deeper,” I shamelessly demanded. I need to feel everything of her, she needs to fill me completely, so we can be one after this, one soul. She added a third finger into me and pushed in deeper, stroking my front wall with the perfect amount of pressure. I threw my arm back, knocking over Delphine’s glass of wine on the coffee table. The Persian rug absorbed the red liquid immediately while my convulsing heat absorbed Delphine’s fingers, clenching around her digits, until I reached my orgasm and screamed my pleasure into the cushions.

“Holy watershed,” I panted as I came down from my high. “That was intense. You’re amazing.”

“You too chérie,” she whispered into my ear, spooning me from behind. “Je t’aime.”

“Hmm. I love you too Delphine, but this rug is fucking uncomfortable. I think I’ve got carpet burns on my knees.”

She let out a soft laugh and the sound of it warmed my insides, it’s literally the best sound I’ve ever heard. Well... besides Hugo’s first cries of course.

“I’m gonna call Alison to ask her if she wants to drop off my son, so we can take a shower together,” I said, reaching for my phone on the coffee table.

“Don’t tell her that last part chérie, she won’t do it if she hears that.”

* * *

 

“How do I look?” she asked, performing a pirouette in front of me. She’s dressed in running gear and I’m not sure if a work out is such a good idea after our sexual escapade from a few hours ago… not to mention the seizure from last night.

“You’re going out for a jogging?”

“Yes, but I’ll be back in an half an hour or so. It won’t be long.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea after last night?”

“Delphine,” she groaned, rolling her eyes. “Don’t mother me. I feel great.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

“No babe, I’m on fire,” she beamed, plugging her earphones into her phone. “Hugo is asleep, if he wakes up, just put his pacifier in his mouth. I’ll be right back.”

“But it’s dark outside,” I tried, not liking this idea one bit. Ed didn’t contact me again after he sent me those pictures of Cosima, but I’m still a little shaken up by his behavior.

“It’s only 8 pm Delphine, don’t worry so much. I’m a big girl.”

She gave me a peck on the lips, and left the house before I could come up with another reason for her to stay in. She’s different since this afternoon, much lighter and more confident. I think it has something to do with our lovemaking session.

I let out a deep sigh and made myself a cup of tea, hoping Hugo wouldn’t wake up in the next thirty minutes. I sank onto the couch, crawled under a blanket and occasionally sipped my tea as I focused my attention on the book I’m currently reading.  

The buzzing sound of my phone woke me up from a nap and I bolted upright before I glanced at the clock. 9 pm… what the… Cosima isn’t home yet. I slowly rose from the couch, stretching my arms above my head as I let out a loud yawn. It’s strange that Cosima isn’t back yet, but she’s always late. I picked up my phone from the coffee table and saw a text from Vivienne. That could wait. I dragged myself into the kitchen and opened the freezer the grab some ice cream, but my phone started ringing, making me jump on the spot.

“Mon Dieu, Vivienne!” I groaned, rolling my eyes before I glanced at the screen. Oh… Sarah? She never calls me.

“Hello?”

“Delphine? Is that you?”

Her voice sounds panicked and there’s a weird noise coming through her speaker.

“Yes, it’s me. Are you in the car?”

“Yes, I’m coming to get you.”

“Me?” I snorted, there’s no way I’m leaving the house tonight to go out with the British clone. “Why?”

“Delphine, are you sitting down?”

“Non.”

“Okay, you might wanna sit down for this.”

“Mon Dieu, Sarah!” I said as a wave of panic shot through me. “Just tell me.”

“Cosima is in the hospital.”

 

 


	15. Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, next chapter is here. There's not much Cophine in this one. I had a hard time finishing this chapter and I'm, still not happy with it, but I didn't want to wait any longer. The update already took a while.
> 
> And again, I'm not a medical student, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. Have a good weekend and I hope you're still enjoying this fic. :D

My hands are shaking so badly that I can’t even button my coat. I’m standing outside, in front of the garage, smoking a cigarette to calm the nerves that are surging through my trembling body. I can’t think straight, every possible scenario of what could have happened to Cosima has crossed my mind since Sarah hung up the phone. She doesn’t know anything either and that can’t be good, but I’m trying to stay optimistic, maybe Cosima simply fainted during her jogging… nothing serious.

The headlights of a silver Mercedes suddenly came around the corner and blinded my sight. She’s driving a lot harder than she should in this neighborhood, but I’ve never been so glad to see her. I flicked the butt of my cigarette to the ground and ran towards her car, opening the passenger side door before I sat down next to her.

“Oh my God,” I said, my voice trembling with panic as I buckled my seat belt. “Let’s go.”

“Delphine?” she whispered, not moving a muscle.

“Oui?”

“Where’s Hugo?”

Hugo?

“Merde!” I cursed, already opening the door, but Sarah was a lot faster, snatched my keys out of my hand and ran up to the house.

“I can’t believe my sister is letting you near her son!” she spat, bursting through the front door with so much force that I was surprised that it was still intact after it hit the wall. I know she didn’t mean it, but it still hurt. I’m doing my best and Hugo and I are still getting used to each other. It may not go as fast as Sarah wants, but there is progress and that’s more than I ever expected.

“No! You stay here!” Sarah shouted at me when I tried to follow her up the stairs.

I nodded and took Hugo’s grey wool coat from his own colorful coatrack, brushing my nose over the collar to inhale his scent, wondering how he is going to handle everything that’s going to happen tonight. I seriously hope Cosima is allowed to come home with us, not only for myself, but also for little Hugo. What if she needs to stay overnight for observation? I guess I’m gonna put on the TV the entire night and watch stupid cartoons until Hugo falls asleep on the couch.

“You know, it would’ve saved us a lot of time if you already did this yourself,” Sarah spat, rolling her eyes as she sat down the couch, pushing Hugo’s tiny feet into his Ugg boots. He locked his chocolate eyes on mine and I could feel my heart breaking into pieces. He has no idea what’s going on and maybe… that’s for the best.

“I don’t know if it’s such a good idea to bring him with us,” I whispered, putting his arms into his coat while Sarah pushed his pacifier into his mouth and handed him his stuffed monkey. “We don’t know in what condition Cosima is in.”

“You’re kidding right?” she laughed sarcastically, walking out of the house with her nephew on her hip. I wisely kept my mouth shut and sat down in the passenger seat as Sarah strapped Hugo into his car seat.

“They didn’t tell you anything?” I asked softly when she started the car.

“No Delphine, and that can’t be good right? They would’ve told me if it was just a minor injury or something right? Like a superficial cut that needed stitches?”

“Yes, but let’s stay positive.”

“Positive?! You’re… bloody Christ.”

I know she’s right, this can’t be good, but I want to fool myself just a little while longer, until we’re at the hospital.

“The only thing they told me…” Sarah whispered after a few minutes, her voice a lot softer than before. “Is that someone found her, lying on her back and unconscious. That person tried to wake her, but it didn’t help and he decided to call an ambulance.”

“O…Okay,” I managed to choke out, my own voice still trembling in utter shock. “That’s not good.”

“I know.”

“Do you know where that person found her?”

“Yeah, on a path around the pond where Cosima and Hugo always feed the ducks. What was she doing in that park Delphine? It’s dark outside, there’s no one there after seven.”

“She went out for a jogging.”

“There? Delphine! Why didn’t you stop her?”

“I tried, but she’s a grown woman Sarah, and I didn’t know she was going there,” I said, glancing over my shoulder to look at Hugo. He is playing with his stuffed monkey, completely oblivious to what happened to his mother. “Is it a dangerous place?”

I don’t believe for a second that Cosima would go to a dangerous place for a work out, certainly not now that she is a mother and has a son to care for.

“No, it’s not, but no one will find you if something happens. If you fall and break your ankle or something.”

“Do you think that’s what happened?”

“I don’t know.”

It was silent for the rest of the ride, even Hugo didn’t make any sound, until we arrived at the hospital. I hope Cosima comes running out of a room, healthy and uninjured, ready to go home with us, but my gut tells me something different. I took a deep breath and stepped out of Gavin’s car, my hands shaking and legs trembling as I walked through the entrance of the building with Sarah on my heels, hugging Hugo close to her chest.

“Can I help you?” the woman behind the desk asked kindly, giving me a sweet smile.

“Hi … I’m looking for Cosima.”

“Cosima?”

“Yeah, Cosima Niehaus, March 9th 1984. Do you need to know more?” Sarah hissed with her fist placed on the desk. She looks threatening and I think that’s exactly how she wants to present herself in situations like this.

“Are you family?”

“I am n…” I started, but closed my mouth abruptly when I felt Sarah’s nails digging into my hip.

“Yes.”

The woman with grey hair looked at us suspiciously, Sarah gave her a smile, and the woman shifted her attention to her computer screen… typing my girlfriend’s name and scrolling through the detabase.

“Let’s see… Cosima Niehaus…” she whispered, more to herself than to us.

Come on… hurry up.

“She’s on the ICU, third floor.”

I instinctively grabbed the edge of the desk, trying to support my bodyweight as the floor began to shake under my feet. The ICU? Non…

“Are you sure?” Sarah asked in disbelief and I can tell she wasn’t expecting this either.

“There’s only one Cosima in this hospital m’am.”

“Bloody fuck.”

A tug on my arm made me move, tears blurring my vision. Sarah is talking to me, but I can’t hear her, it’s as if I’m under water, drowning because I can’t breathe. This must be a mistake, we’re at the wrong hospital… that person in the ICU is not my Cosima. This is a serious case of mistaken identity. It can’t be…

A high voice brought me back to earth and Sarah began to cry when she and Hugo were enveloped into a tight embrace the second we stepped out of the elevator.

“What took you so long Sarah? I can’t believe I’m the first one here.”

“Have you seen Cos?” Sarah asked, ignoring her sister’s question, something I’m thankful for because I don’t want to be scolded by Alison for almost forgetting Hugo.

“No, but I’ve spoken to a nurse just a minute ago.”

“And?”

“And… it’s not looking good sestra.”

 A string of French curse words reached my ears and it took me a moment to realize that they came out of my own mouth.

“Can you be more specific?”

“They took some kind of scan and they’re analyzing it now. She was found by a man who was walking his dog there. He called an ambulance and she has not gained consciousness ever since. He left when I arrived, he didn’t want to leave her all by herself.”

“Mon Dieu,” I gasped, trying to swallow back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes.

“So she’s still…” I wondered aloud, but didn’t finish my question when a doctor in a white coat walked up to us, carrying a thick file under his arm.

“Cosima’s family?” he asked as he gave me an apologetic smile.

“Yes, we are,” Alison nodded, gesturing her hands. “Sisters, son and partner.”

“Allright, please follow me.”

We were brought into a room that looked way too colorful for a unit like this. I sat down on a leather couch and Sarah sat down next to me with Hugo in her lap, while Alison preferred to stand near the door. I can tell she is trying to control her emotions… again.

“I’m doctor William Heart and Cosima is placed under my care. She was brought in approximately two hours ago and…” he stopped in mid – sentence, making us all suck in a breath. “You know why she is here right? One of you got a call from one of our nurses?”

“Yeah,” Sarah nodded, rubbing her thumb over Hugo’s leg. “Someone found her in a park, unconscious and called an ambulance.”

“Correct, she was still unconscious when she got here. We didn’t see any external injuries except for a bruise on the back of her head, so we took an MRI. The results came in just now and I’m sorry to tell you this, but Cosima is suffering a cerebral contusion.”

I let out a gasp and buried my head in my hands, sobs racking my trembling body. This is even worse than I had imagined. How?

“A what?” I heard Sarah ask, her voice full of panic, probably because of my reaction.

“I traumatic brain injury. A bruise in the brain,” doctor Heart answered, reaching out to touch my arm. I wanted to slap him, punch his face until my anger faded, but my mind was still clear enough to not give in to those violent urges. It is not his fault.

“How?” Alison whispered, her hand clutching the door handle, ready to make an escape if the situation becomes too unbearable.

“That’s the question. I think Cosima is the only one who can tell us. Hopefully, she’ll remember everything when she wakes up.”

“ _If_ she wakes up,” I whispered, finally moving my hands from my face.

“What do you mean Delphine?” Alison gasped as I looked at the man sitting in front of us.

“No, we’re positive that she’s gonna wake up, but we need to stay patient and give her time. I’ve read her medical files and she’s a strong woman.”

“She is,” Sarah nodded, leaning back into the cushions when Hugo fell asleep on her chest. “Stronger than any of us.”

“What is the damage?” Alison asked, supporting her bodyweight on the door handle.

“We can’t say yet, it depends on a few things, but the chance of permanent damage will increase the longer a patient stays unconscious.”

“So, it’s important that she wakes up as soon as possible?”

“Yes, that correct Mrs…”

“Hendrix.”

“So, I’ve studied Miss Niehaus’ medical files and learned that she occasionally experiences seizures. She was found in running clothes. We suspect that the intense exercise triggered another seizure and that the brain injury was caused by an unlucky fall. That’s the most plausible scenario we can think of.”

“Mon Dieu.”

“Can we see her?” Sarah asked, already standing up.

“Yes, of course.”

“Sarah,” Alison whispered. “I’ll stay here with Hugo, he’s too young to see his mom like that.”

“You don’t wanna see her Al?”

“No, no, you go first, so you can tell me if I can handle it okay?”

Sarah merely nodded and Alison took her nephew from her clone’s lap, kissing his rosy cheek as she sat down on the couch.

“Cosima is in room T406,” William Heart informed us, walking down a long hall with us on his heels. “She’s attached to a few wires and we’ve decided to insert an endotracheal tube to…”

“Cosima isn’t breathing on her own?!” I practically shouted, cutting him off as I remembered yesterday night, when Cosima stopped breathing and turned blue during a seizure. I can’t believe this doctor is so optimistic about Cosima’s condition if she stopped breathing. Maybe he isn’t capable enough to take care of my girlfriend. “Who are you anyway? I’ve never heard your name before and that’s not a good thing.”

“Ehm,” he said, raising his eyebrows at me, clearly not amused by the accusation in my voice. “I understand that you’re shocked and anxious about your partner’s condition, but I can assure you that she’s in good hands and we’ll take care of her.”

“Sorry,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. I can’t take this out on him, even though I want nothing more than to blame someone for this situation.

“And to answer your question,” he continued, ignoring my apology. “She is breathing on her own actually, but her lungs are very vulnerable and her brain needs all of her energy right now, that’s why we decided to intubate her, so her body can fully concentrate on healing the brain instead of spending a lot of energy on breathing. It’s nothing to worry about, but I wanted to warn you because it can look frightening, you know, all the electrodes on her chest, the IV, the tube and other wires.”

“Y…yes, I’m familiar with all those things, but thank you for warning us.”

We reached room T406 a second later and I braced myself for what I was going to see, even though I had an idea. I’ve worked a part-time job at an ICU during my Master’s in Paris and it was horrible. I’ve learned a lot of course, but the constant feeling of sadness and dread that lingered around the wing was something I couldn’t cope with. I resigned after six months.

“Please, go ahead,” Cosima’s doctor said, opening the door to her room. Sarah gave me a gentle push in the back, obviously encouraging me to go in first. I think she’s scared of what she’s going to see as well.

 “Mon Dieu,” I whispered, stepping inside. My eyes instantly spotted Cosima, lying in a hospital bed, a tube stuffed down her throat and I don’t know how, but I successfully suppressed a loud sob that threatened to escape my mouth. A kind looking nurse gave me a sweet smile while she wiped Cosima’s makeup off her face.

“Oh my God!” I heard Sarah gasp behind me. She grabbed my hand and held it tightly as we shuffled towards the bed.

“You must be her sister,” the nurse smiled, curling her arm around Sarah’s shoulders before she guided her to a chair. “I know it looks scary, but don’t worry. She’s in great care.”

“Can I touch her?” I asked, staring at my unconscious lover. She looks peaceful, her eyes are closed and I swear I can see a small smile on her lips, but maybe that’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

“Oh yes,” Doctor Heart nodded, lifting the sheets off my lover’s body. I reached out and gently touched her arm, stroking the skin with my fingertips. She feels warm and soft, just like when she wakes up in the morning and snuggles into me. I nearly let out another sob at the memory, wondering if she’ll ever be able to do that again. Will she be able to talk again? Walk? Move her arms? Bathe herself? Mon Dieu Delphine… don’t go there. She just needs to wake up as soon as possible.

I moved my fingers up to her shoulder, squeezing it through her ugly hospital gown.

“Wait,” the man whispered, pushing the fabric of the hospital gown down until it reached the top of my lover’s bosom. “Touch her as much as you want. The more physical contact the better. You’re even allowed to lie down next to her, and talk to her too, or sing to her, or read her a book. It’s all fine and we actually encourage all those things.”

Okay, he wouldn’t encourage me to do these things if Cosima had zero chance of waking up… right? It would be cruel to give me hope while he already knows that Cosima is nothing more than a vegetable now … not able to live the life she had before the fall.

The nurse is asking Sarah a million questions about Cosima’s personality and life, trying to offer her some comfort and lighten the heavy mood. I dragged my fingertips over Cosima’s collarbone and placed my hand just above her left breast, smiling at the steady heartbeat drumming against my palm.

“Doctor Heart?”

“Yes?”

“Could it be…” I whispered, keeping my voice low so Sarah couldn’t hear me. “Is it possible that Cosima was attacked by someone? Like… that person hit her with something or kicked her in the head?”

My body shuddered at the scenario, a scenario that keeps popping up in my mind since Sarah called me.

“We didn’t find any external injuries and Cosima has a history with seizures.”

“But it’s not an impossible scenario?”

“No, it’s not impossible, but it’s also not the most plausible one to us. We’re pretty convinced that her brain injury is caused by an unlucky fall during a seizure.”

“O…okay,” I whispered, not entirely convinced. I’m going to pay Ed a visit first thing in the morning. I have to know if he’s responsible for this.

“Hopefully, Cosima will remember everything and give us all the answers.”

“Yes.”

“Cosima, I’m here chérie. You need to wake up,” I cooed as I pressed my lips to her forehead and let out a choked sob.

This is going to change our lives.

* * *

 

“She looked so vulnerable.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t blame Alison for not wanting to go in.”

“Me neither,” I whispered, tracing my fingers over Cosima’s jewelry, running clothes and underwear in my lap. The clothes are cut into pieces and I’m not sure what to do with it, but I wanted to take it home with me nevertheless.

“But I’m glad that there weren’t any external injuries, like severe bruises or cuts.”

“Yes, me too.”

“Do you want me to take care of Hugo? He can stay at my place for a while. I know you don’t really like children.”

“NO!”

_“If something happens to me, please promise me you’ll take care of my son,”_ Cosima’s voice suddenly echoed through my head. I didn’t make that promise, but it doesn’t feel right to send Hugo to Sarah. It’s his house after all.

“No,” I repeated, my voice a little softer. “I’ll take care of him.”

A wave of panic started to unfold in the pit of my stomach as soon as the words left my mouth. This means that Sarah will just drop us off and leave. I’ll have to put him to bed for the very first time, change his diapers and make him breakfast in the morning… things I’ve never done before.

“You sure?”

Non.

“Oui.”

“Allright. I can tell he likes you Delphine.”

“Yeah, I hope you’re right.”

A loud wail made us jump in our seats and I instinctively turned around to check on my lover’s son. He’s screaming his head off, both of his hands fisted in the air, while his face turned red in anger or frustration.

“What’s up Monkey?” Sarah cooed, reaching back to touch his knee. The gentle gesture only activated a full-blown tantrum and Hugo began to kick his little legs against the passenger seat, hurting my back.

“HUGO!” Sarah screamed. “Stop it and tell auntie Sarah what’s wrong.”

“Sss,” he mumbled, his bottom lip quivering. Big fat tears are rolling down his cheeks and he looks so small and vulnerable… helpless almost. My respect for Cosima increases every day. To raise and take care of something so small all by herself, a little person that’s constantly depending on you… that’s a huge responsibility. A responsibility I never wanted for myself, but that’s going to change from now on and it scares the shit out of me.

“Sss?”

“Mmm,” he nodded, pointing at his stuffed monkey that lay on the floor, looking at me with a pleading look on his face.

“He dropped his monkey.”

“Oh Snowy? Can you get it Delphine?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I nodded, reaching down behind my seat and I let out a hiss when a sharp pain shot through me. Merde, I’m risking a dislocated shoulder for my girlfriend’s son. If he’s got the nerve to behave badly tonight….

“Got it?”

“Yes.”

I handed Hugo his stuffed monkey, smiling at him when a huge grin formed on his face. He blew me a kiss and put his pacifier back into his mouth, fumbling with the monkey’s tail as he closed his eyes.

“Delphine?”

“Yeah?” I asked, turning around in my seat before I grabbed a bottle of water out of my handbag.

“What do you think? Will Cosima wake up?”

“Oui. I think she will, but I don’t know when and what the damage will be.”

“Do you think that...” Sarah whispered, swallowing hard. “There will be any permanent damage?”

“Yes,” I nodded truthfully. “I can’t say for sure Sarah, but the fact that she’s not awake yet and the fact that she suffers a cerebral contusion doesn’t sound promising.”

“I have no knowledge of this Delphine, just tell me what Cosima’s chances are?”

“Chances?”

“Is she gonna live like a vegetable?”

“I don’t have the answers,” I whispered, swallowing back tears. “Sorry.”

“You’re a doctor right?”

“Oui, but I…”

“Just tell me what you think, please… I need something to hold on to.”

“I…” I sniffled, wiping away a single tear. “Cosima is strong, but her body already went through a lot over the past years. She’s strong, but her body isn’t. I don’t think she’s gonna live like a vegetable, but it would surprise me if there isn’t any damage at all.”

“What are you thinking of?”

“It could be anything, it depends on what part of her brain is damaged. She could have problems with motor skills, speech difficulties or behavioral changes.”

“Like… she may not be able to walk or talk again when she wakes up?”

“Possibly.”

“She’s never gonna accept that.”

“I know,” I agreed, remembering how upset she was when she needed help in the bathroom a few weeks ago, not to mention the events of last night.

“Can I have a sip?”

I handed Sarah my water bottle and glanced over my shoulder again. Hugo is still playing with his monkey, sucking on his pacifier. He looks so cute and I could feel a warm tingle spreading through my chest at the sight of him. Mon Dieu, what’s happening to me?

“Sarah? Can I ask you an inappropriate question?”

“Sure.”

“Cosima told me that you gave her your uterus. Do you still have your ovaries?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Okay,” I whispered, a blush creeping up my face. “So… you don’t have… issues?”

“Issues?”

“Yeah… you know what I mean.”

“Hmm,” she smiled, straightening her back. “I don’t have issues no, but I know Cosima has them.”

“Does she talk to you about them?”

“Of course. We always had a strong connection Delphine, but we became really really close in the past seven years. She tells me everything.”

“Does she….” I started, unsure of how to continue the conversation. “Ever talk about me?”

“Not really.”

“Oh.”

“Look, Cosima’s problems with getting wet has nothing to do with you.”

“Excuse me?” I gasped, blushing furiously at this point. Mon Dieu, Cosima… I can’t imagine having such conversations with my own sister. Goodness.

“That’s what you’re trying to figure out right? If it’s because of you?”

“Y…yes.”

“Okay, now you know the answer. Don’t worry. I can assure you that it’s not because of you. I mean… if you press your soft lips against my sister’s twat just like you pressed them against my mouth, well… believe me Delphine, then you have nothing to worry about.”

I had just filled my mouth with a sip of water and spit everything out the second the words rolled of Sarah’s tongue. She looked at me and burst out laughing, shaking her head in amusement.

“W…what? How do you…?”

“DYAD Event? Does that ring a bell?”

“Oh my God,” I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t contain the proud smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth.

“Anyway,” Sarah giggled, waving a hand through the air. “She always keeps it personal when we talk about stuff like that, not about you. The only thing she ever said that included you is that she feels guilty sometimes, because she doesn’t want sex frequently. That she’s not up for it most of the time and that she has to turn you down when you obviously want it.”

“She doesn’t have to feel guilty Sarah. I’ve told her that a million times,” I explained, because I strangely felt the need to defend myself. I don’t want Sarah to think that I’m forcing her sister, that I’m pushing Cosima into things she doesn’t want. If Sarah gets too defensive of Cosima… well, that’s not good for me.

“Yeah, I believe you, but Cosima doesn’t. She thinks that you’ll leave eventually.”

“Because of this?!”

“Yes.”

“That’s absurd.”

I could feel my heart breaking into a million pieces and a few tears escaped my eyes.

“Cosima needs help with this when she’s better,” I whispered, digging my nails in my thighs. I’m not sure if Cosima still thinks that I’ll leave her because of this. I swear something changed within her after we made love a few hours ago. She acted so different before she left the house, but Sarah doesn’t know that.

“Yeah, I agree. She made huge progress with Louise, but with you… you’re her girlfriend and she wants you te be happy and satisfied.”

“ I am, but thank you for telling me.”

“No problem Delphine,” she smiled, parking the car in front of Cosima’s garage. “If you need me just call me okay? If you have trouble putting Hugo to sleep or anything.”

“Thank you Sarah,” I smiled back, opening the car door before I stepped out of the vehicle, bracing myself for what was about to come.

* * *

 

It’s two in the morning and I’m on the brink of a mental breakdown. Hugo began crying an hour ago, since we walked through the front door and it pains me to see him so upset. I don’t know how to soothe him and it makes me feel like a failure. Cosima would break up with me if she could see this.

“Hughie,” I whispered, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He pushed my hand away and started humming to himself, dragging Snowy behind him. It’s going to be a long long night and I’ll have to work tomorrow. Merde… I’ll have to drop him off at daycare in the morning, which means I’ll have to get up around 6.30. Fuck.

“Mmm,” he mumbled, bending down to look under the couch. I furrowed my brows in confusion and Hugo began to cry harder, searching for something under the coffee table. He let out a heartbreaking howl and threw his pacifier on the floor in anger, snot dripping from his nose and into his mouth.

“Hugo,” I whispered, standing up when he ran towards the kitchen to look under the dinner table and chairs. “What are you looking for?”

“Mmm,” he hummed again. It’s definitely frustrating that he doesn’t speak yet. I don’t know how Cosima does it. He’s so stuck to his daily routine and isn’t curious like other kids. Cosima’s son is quite passive and so different from other toddlers. I’m not a psychiatrist or anything, but I sometimes wonder if Hugo could be autistic. I’m sure Cosima suspects this too, but she doesn’t talk about it, not to me at least. It wouldn’t surprise me if he is. I mean, I believe Cosima once told me that Mika was somewhere on the spectrum too.

Hugo waddled towards the stairs and shot me a pleading look, asking me to carry him upstairs. I’ve still no idea what’s going on with him, so I picked him up and climbed the stairs, putting him down when we reached the top.

“What are you looking for Hughie?”

“Mmm,” he repeated, walking into our bedroom.

It was only when he looked under the sheets and under the bed that I realized he was looking for his mother. Mon Dieu. I let out a choked sob and covered my mouth with my hand, screwing my eyes shut. This is absolutely heartbreaking, Hugo looking for his mother, his mother that lies unresponsive in a hospital bed on the ICU. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Sss,” the little boy cooed, placing his tiny hand on my knee. I slowly opened my eyes and saw him staring at me, a shocked expression on his face. I don’t want to scare him, so I quickly wiped my tears and swallowed thickly before I pulled him into my lap.

“Let’s go to your room.”

I carried him into his ocean-themed bedroom and sat down on his toddler bed as I gave him a reassuring smile.

“Hugo,” I began, brushing my hand over his curls. “Mommy isn’t coming home tonight. She’s sleeping somewhere else for a while.”

He looked at me with big eyes and jumped off my lap, clutching Snowy to his chest. He’s still wearing his coat, because he didn’t want me to take it off. His cheeks are flushed and I’m sure he’s too warm, but I don’t know how to convince him to take it off. I really need Cosima.

“Nnn.”

“Yes,” I whispered, swallowing back another round of tears. “I’m sorry Hughie.”

He let out a deafening scream and ran towards his toy box, pulling out a plastic truck which he threw into my direction, followed by an airplane and a few cars.

“Mmm.”

“Mom isn’t coming home Hugo,” I repeated, not sure if this was the correct approach. The boy screamed again and crawled towards me, gripped my jeans and pulled himself up before he slapped me in the face.

“Hey!” I shouted, grabbing his wrist. “Stop it Hugo. I understand that you’re upset, but this is not very nice.”

“Mmm,” he hummed, his bottom lip quivering while tears rolled down his rosy cheeks. There’s nothing left of my heart now.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart.”

“Nnn,” he shook his head and pushed his index finger against my chest before he pointed towards the door.

“No, I’m gonna stay here with you. Let’s sleep in the big bed together okay?”

The big bed did the trick. A small smile formed on his tear-streaked face and he took my hand, pulling me up to my feet.

“Come on, let’s get you out of your coat. You must be so warm.”

He merely nodded and pushed his coat off his shoulders by himself and waddled back into his mother’s bedroom, crawling onto the bed before he snuggled into Cosima’s pillow. I didn't bother taking off my clothes, it’s only four hours until the alarm clock goes off, and positioned myself next to him. I reached out and brushed my fingers through his hair, smiling as the boy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I wonder what the next few days will bring, if Hugo will let me help him with everything and if Cosima is going to wake up soon. I took a deep breath as well and closed my eyes, even though I already knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep… not now the love of my life is in the hospital… all by herself.


	16. Fights

“You need to eat something buddy.”

“Nnn.”

I let out a deep sigh and rolled my eyes, putting the dirty dishes into the dishwasher while Hugo is sitting in his high chair, his arms crossed over his chest. He’s glaring at me, but I’m not impressed. The day didn't start off well… I woke up an half an hour before the alarm clock went off and called the hospital to get an update on Cosima. Her condition hasn’t changed since last night and I’m doing my best to stay positive. No change means that her condition isn’t getting worse and that’s a good thing. I crawled into the shower after I hung up the phone and filled the bathub for Hugo, but he screamed bloody murder when I tried to undress him. It took me a while to realize that Cosima always bathes him after dinner. I struggled a lot with his diaper too and I have this feeling that I’ve put it on backwards, but I’m not sure. Hugo insisted on dressing himself and I let him, stupidest decision ever, because it took him thirty minutes to put on the clothes I had picked out for him. And now we’re in the kitchen, I’ve no time to eat breakfast myself, and it’s taking a lot of effort to stay calm and collected while Hugo keeps refusing to eat his fruit and yogurt.

“Mmm.”

“Non, mom’s not here.”

He sniffled quietly and wiped the tears of his cheeks with his tiny fists. He looks adorable when he is still sleepy, but he must be so tired after only four hours of sleep. I lifted him out of his high chair and threw the bowl of food into the sink with a loud thud, trying to lose some of the frustration in my body by throwing something. I know it’s unfair, but I’m extremely annoyed with Hugo’s stubbornness, and the more I spend time with him, the more I can see Cosima’s personality. 

“Come on, a little cooperation is appreciated …” I whispered, rolling my eyes as I helped the boy into his grey coat. I’ve never been to the daycare Hugo goes to, but I got the address and I don’t have to teach difficult classes today. What could go wrong?

* * *

 

“Goodmorning Hugo,” a woman with blonde hair greeted him happily. “Where is your mommy?”

I sucked in a breath and expected Hugo to burst out crying, but he merely shrugged his shoulders, hung his coat on one of the hooks on the wall and ran towards the girl who was standing by the play kitchen.

“Hi,” I smiled, stretching out my hand. “I’m Delphine Cormier, Cosima’s partner.”

“Oh hello, nice to meet you,” the blonde said, shaking my hand. “I’m Wanda. Where is Cosima?”

“She… she is… ehm.”

I felt a lump forming in my throat as the images of last night invaded my mind. Cosima lying in a hospital bed, all the beeps, the tube…

“Everything allright?” Wanda whispered, touching my shoulder.

“Non… not really. Cosima is in the hospital with a brain contusion due to an unlucky fall. She hasn’t regained consciousness yet.”

“Oh my god, that’s terrible.”

“Oui, but I haven’t told Hugo. We don’t want to upset him.”

I glanced at my lover’s son, who is carrying a baby doll in his arms while the little girl pretends to make them coffee in the play kitchen. It’s fascinating to watch him interact with someone other than the sestras… someone his own age.

“That’s Lila,” Wanda chuckled. “They play house every day.”

“That’s cute,” I responded flatly, not sounding interested in Lila at all. “I have to go, I’ll pick him up around five. Is that okay?”

“Of course. Did you bring his backpack Delphine?”

“Backpack?” I asked, suddenly remembering the blue Peter Rabbit backpack underneath Hugo’s own coatrack.

“Yes, the kids always bring their own backpacks with spare clothes and extra diapers… just in case.”

Merde.

“I… I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”

The blonde woman gave me a sweet smile and squeezed my upper arm.

“It’s okay. I’m sure Lila’s mother won’t mind if Hugo uses her daughter’s diapers.”

“That’s a relief,” I whispered before I walked towards Hugo, brushing my hand over his curls.

The small toddler didn’t acknowledge my presence and concentrated on his task of tucking the fake baby into its crib, taking his fatherly duty very seriously.

“No Hugo! Stop! It’s not bedtime,” the little girl scolded him, pulling the doll out of bed. The scene strangely reminded me of a very young Donnie and Alison, and I almost let out a laugh at the thought.

“Hugo, I’m gonna leave now,” I said, touching his hand to get his attention. He turned around and locked his brown eyes on mine for a brief moment, until he yanked his arm loose and waddled towards Lila, stroking the doll’s plastic head.

“Just call me when he wants to go home okay?” I told Wanda as I left the room and hurried out of the building.

* * *

 

It feels strange to be here, it’s not even that long ago that I parked my car in this exact same place every day, that I stepped into this elevator when I came home from work. It still smells the same, but it doesn’t feel that way.

I felt so strong and powerful when I left the car and walked into the building, but now that I’m standing in front of the apartment, I feel small and and vulnerable. My brain immediately reminded me of Cosima, who is still at the hospital, still unconscious and we still don’t know what the long-term effects of the contusion will be. A fresh wave of anger blinded my sight and I reached out to rang the doorbell before I could stop myself.

It took him a minute to open the door and he clearly didn’t expect me here, because I could see a hint of shock in his eyes. He’s clad in only his boxers, God, I always hated it when he opened the front door without a shirt and pants on.

“Delphine?”

“Yes,” I nodded, a malicious smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. “Surprised?”

“Y…yeah. What are you doing here?”

“Please Ed,” I rolled my eyes. “You know exactly why I’m here.”

“Ehm…”

I took a step forward and pushed him aside, walking into the livingroom that once used to be my safe haven. It doesn’t feel right.

“DELPHINE!” he shouted, running after me. “You can’t be here! You need to go.”

“You don’t tell me what to do Ed!” I growled as my cheeks heat up in anger. “Where were you last night?!”

“Excuse me?” he snorted, gripping the edge of the couch. “That’s none of your business anymore.”

“You business becomes mine when it involves my girlfriend.”

“Your girlfriend?” he huffed, his eyes widening in confusion. “You mean your dreadlocked hippie dyke?”

I never thought I would feel the urge to shoot anyone ever again, but I could do it again right now. He’s hurt Cosima, the love of my life, and he’s going to pay for this. I can’t understand why he would do such thing. I cheated on him, I fell in love with Cosima, I made the choice to break up with him. Cosima has done nothing wrong. She didn’t hurt him, she didn’t seduce me while she knew I was with someone. If he wants to punish someone for his bruised ego, it should be me. He should have attacked me, not Cosima. On the other hand, he’s always had a strong opinion on homosexuality, so maybe his rage towards Cosima is not only because she made me fall in love with her…

“Delphine, you need to go. I don’t want you here.”

“Why did you do it?” I growled, gritting my teeth.

“Do what?”

“You attacked my girlfriend in park last night!”

He let out a hard laugh and a tiny wave of doubt shot through my chest as I stared into his eyes. He looks genuinely shocked, maybe he didn’t do this…

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Delphine. You’re fucking insane. I would never hurt a woman, not even the one who ruined my whole life.”

“YOU’RE LYING!” I screamed. Please tell me you’re lying… I need to blame someone for this. “You’ve threatened me to hurt her Ed! Not just once actually!”

“That’s because I was pissed at you Delphine! Jesus Christ! I would never attack you or your girlfriend. It would have been different if Cosima were a man, but come on! I didn’t hurt her. I don’t even care about her… or about you.”

I gaped at him for a long moment, is he telling the truth? Or is he trying to cover it all up? Maybe doctor Heart is right after all, maybe Cosima’s brain contusion is the result of an unlucky fall during another seizure. Mon Dieu… non! Ed did this… he’s threatened me to hurt her and now she’s in the hospital.

“I don’t believe you,” I whispered, staring at the floor.

“Yeah, well… that’s your problem,” he spat, grabbing my shoulder. “You need to leave now. I’ve got things to do.”

“I’m not leaving, until…” I started, but quickly closed my mouth when a woman’s soft voice filled my ears.

“Ed? Who is that?”

And just a second later, a blonde woman appeared from out of the bedroom, the bedroom Ed and I used to share when we were together. A room we painted ourselves, furnished without any help. What the actual fuck! She’s even wearing my pink cheeta-printed robe I accidentally left behind.

“Who is this?” she asked softly.

“You’re fucking kidding me Ed!” I laughed sarcastically, tears stinging my eyes. “You replaced me that fast? Wow…”

“I beg you pardon?” Ed huffed, his eyes full of anger. “You replaced me remember? For selfish reasons!”

“Selfish reasons?” I shrieked, ignoring the blonde woman as she shuffled towards Ed and linked her arm through his.

“You left me because I refused to lick your p…”

“ED! STOP RIGHT THERE!”

“Whatever. Just leave us alone Delphine.”

“FINE!” I screamed on the top of my lungs. “But I swear I’ll never forgive you for hurting the love of my life you son of a bitch! This isn’t over yet.”

“I didn’t hurt your new victim Cormier!”

I didn’t say anything, turned around and walked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me as a strange feeling began to unfold in my stomach.

* * *

 

“Oh my God,” he gasped, tears rolling down his cheeks. “My God, Delphine, that’s horrible. Why are you even here?”

“Because I have a class to teach.”

“No, Jackie can take over. You need to be with Cosima now, she needs you.”

“There is nothing I can do Dan, she’s not responsive.”

The words came out a little broken, my vocal cords trembling with emotion. I hate crying in public, I only allow myself to cry when I’m with Cosima.

“Sit down,” Dan ordered, standing up from his chair. “I’ll get you a cup of coffee.”

He left his office and I sat down in a chair when my eyes suddenly fell on a picture frame. I picked it up and smiled as I took in a proud Dan, standing beside a tall man with a beard, his arm curled around his shoulders. Two Asian girls are standing in front of the two proud fathers, one of them is holding a fluffy dog in her arms. They look so happy, the perfect little family. I wonder if Cosima and I will ever be like that, a happy family. I mean, I’ve been living with her and Hugo for a few months now, but we’re not a family… not yet. Will it ever happen? Will Hugo accept me? Cosima recently told me that she still wants a sibling for Hugo, because she never had one while growing up and she always had this feeling that something was missing in her life, until she found her sestras. I can’t even imagine a life without Vivienne. She’s always there for me, we don’t look a like, but she gets me without needing words. She understands my personality, the choices I make without judging them. A sibling is such a great thing to have and Cosima’s body can’t give Hugo a little brother or sister. What if Cosima wants to have a baby with me in a few years? We’re already in our late thirties, there’s not much time left, biologically speaking. I must be the one to carry the baby… I don’t want that.

“Here you go,” Dan smiled, handing me a cup of steaming hot coffee. “What exactly happened to Cos?”

“Her doctor thinks she fell during a seizure. Just a stupid accident really.”

“That’s horrible,” he gave me an apologetic smile and reached out to touch my wrist. “Is there any damage to her brain?”

“They don’t know yet. She just needs to wake up and they’ll run some test to see which parts are damaged.”

I quickly wiped a tear from my cheek and took a sip of coffee, moaning at the taste. It’s my first of the day and I’ve this feeling that it won’t be the last.

“Cosima’s seizures have become worse, am I right?”

“Yes,” I nodded, furrowing my brows in confusion. “How do you know?”

“She had a seizure last week, when she and one of her students, Hannah, we’re drinking coffee in the cafeteria.”

“Oh.”

“She didn’t tell you?”

“Non… no she didn’t.”

“Don’t be mad at her Delphine, I’m sure she didn’t want you to worry.”

“Well… I do worry!” I cried, finally allowing my emotions to come out since Sarah called me with the news. “For fuck’s sake! This means she had three seizures in the past seven days. They’re clearly getting worse.”

“Delphine?”

“Oui?”

“I don’t want to scare you, but do you think it has something to do with the illness she suffered from a few years ago? I know she had growths in her lungs, maybe they are in her brain now and that’s what causes the seizures to become more frequent and longer?”

“Non,” I shook my head, blowing my nose in a tissue. “Her doctor took a scan and he would have told me if he had noticed something abnormal.”

I think it has something to do with stress, our changing sexlife and hormones, but Dan doesn’t need to know that, of course. I’m not worried about the frequency of her seizures, no, I’m worried about the fact that she doesn’t tell me whenever it happened.

“I think you should go see her Delphine. She needs you.  I’ll talk to Christine and Jackie.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Merci Dan,” I whispered, pulling him into a hug.

* * *

 

I took a deep slow breath, mentally preparing myself for entering Cosima’s room. I’ve seen her a few hours ago, but it feels like an eternity. I curled my hand around the door handle and froze on the spot when I heard two soft voices talking to each other inside Cosima’s room. My heart almost jumped out of my ribcage at the sound of a female voice, but I quickly realized it wasn’t Cosima’s… unfortunately.

I slowly opened the door and looked at the man sitting in the corner of the room, enjoying his cup of coffee, his eyes focused on a woman standing next to my lover’s bed, stroking her dreads and whispering soft words into her ear. They look a lot older than us, in their mid-fifties I guess. For a second, I wondered if this were Cosima’s parents, but I quickly reminded myself of the fact that they aren’t with us anymore. Who are they? Family? Friends?

“Oh hello,” the man said kindly, offering me a reassuring smile. “You must be Delphine.”

“Oui.”

He stood up and walked towards me, shaking my hand. He has big blue eyes and a confident smile.

“I’m Rick,” he continued, running his fingers through his mass of grey curls. “And that’s my wife Caroline.”

Caroline and I locked eyes for a moment before she gave me a small nod.

“Cos told us so many things about you,” she said. “We’re happy to finally meet you Delphine, even though the circumstances are far from allright.”

“A… are you Cosima’s family?”

“No we’re her friends from San Fran.”

“O… okay.”

This is incredibly awkward. I’ve never heard of those two people before and they’re suddenly in my private bubble, stroking my girlfriend’s hair and holding her hand. They even bought her flowers for God’s sake, something I haven’t done yet.

“Sarah called us yesterday and we immediately jumped on a plane this morning. You’re caring for Cosima’s son aren’t you? We could take him to the aquarium tomorrow, so you’ll have a little time to yourself. We could even take him with us to San Fran, but I think he needs to be close to his mother.”

“NO!” I gasped, eyes wide. “No, no, that won’t be necessary, but thank you for the offer. That’s really kind.”

“Okay, just let us know if you need help. We’re Hugo’s second family and we want to help out.”

“Merci.”

Never… never in a million years would I allow them to take care of Hugo. I don’t even know these people. Cosima would never forgive me.

“We’ll leave you alone Delphine,” Caroline whispered, putting on her coat. “We’re staying at a hotel closeby for the next couple of days. Just call us whenever you need time to yourself. We would love to babysit Hugo if it becomes too much.”

“I can handle it,” I responded flatly. “Thanks for the flowers.”

“You’re welcome.”

They left the room without another word and I quickly rushed over to Cosima, kissing her cheek.

“Bonjour mon amour,” I whispered, pulling my lip balm out of my pocket. I gently swiped it over Cosima’s chapped lips to prevent them from drying out any further and held my breath when my elbow almost bumped against the endotracheal tube. I don’t want to disturb her or cause her any  more discomfort.

“So, that’s all better,” I smiled, kissing the tip of her nose, crinkling my own when the smell of sweat filled my nostrils. A feeling of anger bubbled up inside me and I took a step backwards. This can’t be true…

I hurried out of Cosima’s room and walked up to the nurse I recognized as the woman who wiped Cosima’s makeup off her face last night.

“Excuse me,” I started, trying to sound as friendly as possible with anger flowing through my veins. “My partner, Cosima Niehaus, is in room T406 and I think one of you forgot to wash her this morning.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “We’re still doing our morning round m’am. It’s only 10.30.”

ONLY 10.30? It’s almost noon. Mon Dieu. The woman picked up a clipboard with a list of names and nodded when she spotted my lover’s name.

“She’s the last one on the list. We’ll be there around 11.”

“You’re kidding me right?” I laughed sarcastically, raising my eyebrows at the nurse.

“No, I’m not. Everyone wants to be first and Miss Niehaus is the last one today.”

“She came in last night! Covered in a layer of sweat because of a jogging and possibly also because of a seizure and now you’re telling me that no one has washed her since then?”

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying, I have to stick to this list.”

“You can stick that list up your ass!” I snapped, surprising both of us. I don’t think I’ve ever been so rude to hospital staff in my life.

“I’m sorry Miss, but I can’t go to her before I’ve washed two other patients. I understand your fury, but I can’t do anything about it. Unless, you’re okay with Gerald washing your partner. He’s available right now.”

“A guy?” I huffed. Cosima would never accept that if she were conscious. “No thank you.”

The nurse said something, but I couldn’t hear her anymore, already too far out of reach. I walked back into Cosima’s room, still furious with this hospital’s policy. I’ll make sure Cosima will get transferred to another hospital if she’s also the last one on the list tomorrow.

“Hi sweetheart,” I greeted her for a second time this morning. “Your nurse will give you a bed bath in an half an hour okay? She’ll wash you first tomorrow morning. I promise.”

I brushed my hand over her dreads, smiling when the texture tickled my palm. I miss her cheekiness already, her affection and smile. Merde.

“Cosima, you really need to wake up chérie. Hugo keeps asking about you,” I whispered, kissing her cheek.

I sat with her for half an hour, stroking her arm, kissing her hand and telling her about nothing interesting in particular, until the nurse entered the room. She’s carrying a bowl, a few towels and a washcloth, ready to wash my girlfriend. She gave me a polite nod and placed the bowl on Cosima’s nightstand.

“You’re allowed to help me if you want,” she said, moving the sheets aside.

“I… I…” I stuttered, watching her as she untied the string of Cosima’s hospital gown, revealing her nude form.

“She’s your girlfriend?” she asked, checking the electrodes on Cosima’s chest. It’s an uncomfortable sight, my girlfriend lying naked on a hospital bed while a stanger is checking her body on bruises and any other external injuries they could’ve missed last night.

“Yes. She’s my partner.”

“That’s nice. For how long have you been together?”

“A few years,” I lied, not wanting to tell her our story. Telling her feels way too intimate.

“Kids?”

“One, a boy.”

This doesn’t feel right either, calling Hugo my kid, but the indescribable feeling I’ve felt before made its presence known again and it feels… pleasant. Mon Dieu. I seriously hope Cosima can’t hear me.

“That’s amazing,” she smiled, soaking the washcloth in the bowl.

The woman began to wash Cosima’s right arm and the whole situation suddenly became too much to handle. I don’t want to witness this, a stranger washing the love of my life without her being conscious, without being able to give her consent. I turned around, grabbed my coat and purse and excused myself before I ran out of the room as fast as I could.

* * *

 

“Come on buddy,” I chuckled, walking up to the house with Hugo waddling a few metres behind me. He flapping his hands again, like I’ve seen him do so many times before. I’ve picked him up at daycare around 5 and drove to Sarah’s to have dinner with her family, but I’m so glad to be home again. “It’s already bedtime. I’ll give you a bath and read you a story okay?”

I pushed the key into the keyhole and lifted Hugo off the ground, placing him on my hip as I walked into the hallway and closed the door behind me. The familiar smell of marijuana filled my nostrils, my face contorting with disgust. Where is that smell coming from? Am I missing Cosima so much that I’m starting to imagine things? What the…

I opened the door to the livingroom and let out a loud gasp when I spotted a figure sitting on our couch. Cosima…

I blinked once, twice… but Cosima was still there when I opened my eyes. She’s wearing the blue sweater she owned seven years ago, the one she wore in Felix’s loft when we found out about the patent. A pair of thick-framed glasses resting on her nose, a joint between her lips and her face buried in a book. I almost dropped Hugo to the floor and felt tears of joy and happiness stinging my eyes at the sight of my Cosima, sitting there, looking so healthy and so like herself. I took a few steps into her direction and when I came closer, I noticed that her dreads were gone. Her wavy hair is pulled back into a ponytail and I couldn’t help but smile at how different this hairstyle looks on her. I can’t believe this is happening. I just saw her at the hospital, unresponsive and a tube down her throat… I must be hallucinating. Maybe she died when I was on my way home and she’s turned into ghost now. Oh my God, no please no…

“Sss,” Hugo said happily, stretching out his arms towards his mother, wiggling his short legs in excitement.

Cosima snapped her head to the side and locked her brown eyes on mine for a brief moment. I gasped once again, my heart beating wildly. She’s so much younger, a teenager, and that’s when I realized I wasn’t looking at my Cosima. I could cry from disappointment.

“Oh my God Delphine,” she said, jumping up from the couch to extinguish her joint in the ashtray. “Please don’t tell Cosima I’m smoking pot inside the house. She’ll be so angry with me.”

She walked up to us and stretched out her hand, waiting for me to take it.

“I don’t think we’ve properly met before. I mean… you saw me a few weeks ago. I waved at you when you were sitting in your car. I’m Charlotte.”

I took the girl’s hand and gave her small nod. She looks exactly like Cosima, I already knew that, but it’s much more noticeable in daylight.

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry if I startled you with my presence,” she apologized, her hands flying through the air with every word, painfully reminding me of Cosima even more. “I didn’t know if you came back here now that Cosima is in the hospital.”

“Yeah, I have no place to go and someone needs to take care of Hugo.”

“Right.”

The sound of footsteps running down the stairs filled my ears and I turned to my left to see a blonde girl coming downstairs, smiling at me as Charlotte began to speak again.

“Ehm,” the youngest of the clones blushed. “This is Sam. Sam, this is Delphine, my sister’s girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you Delphine,” the blonde girl smiled, grabbing her leather jacket from a chair. She strangely reminds me of myself in my younger years. She’s tall, appears to be a little shy and I can tell she’s wearing expensive clothes, probably from a French brand. “I’ll have to go.”

Sam shuffled towards Charlotte and placed her hands on the clone’s shoulders before she pressed her lips against hers. Oh…

The simple kiss lasted a few seconds, until Charlotte broke away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school right?”

“Yeah, obvs,” Charlotte smiled as Sam kissed her cheek. The blonde girl turned around, gave her a wave and left the house.

“Your girlfriend?” I asked curiously, putting Hugo on the floor. He immediately shrugged off his coat and ran towards his play kitchen.

“Yeah.”

She’s blushing furiously now and I feel a little sorry for her, she’s clearly ashamed. I know Cosima felt the same way when she was Charlotte’s age.

“That’s nice to hear Charlotte, she seems like a nice girl.”

“She…” Charlotte began, but was cut off by a loud wail coming from Hugo. We both turned around and my heart broke into a million pieces when I saw tears streaming down his cheeks. He ran towards his aunt and buried his face into the crook of her shoulder when she picked him up, crying hysterically.

“What is it Hughie?” she cooed and I instantly felt a wave of jealousy shooting up my spine. He wants Charlotte, not me… he doesn’t come to me for a hug. What am I doing wrong?

“Mmm,” he hummed. Oh no… here we go again.

“Mommy?”

The little boy let out another loud wail and clutched Charlotte’s ponytail in his tiny fists, holding on for dear life.

“You miss your mommy don’t you,” she whispered into his ear, rubbing his back to console him. She’s a natural… and she’s only sixteen. Mon Dieu.

“Delphine?”

“Oui?”

“You look like shit, why don’t you just go to bed? I’ll give Hugo a bath and put him to bed before I’ll go back to Alison’s.”

I couldn’t contain the tears of relief that escaped my eyes and I finally allowed my exhaustion to take over, feeling immensely grateful for Charlotte’s offer.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course,” she smiled, pressing a soft kiss to Hugo’s tiny ear. He was silent again and almost asleep. He must be exhausted too. He doesn’t understand, he’s missing his mother and still looking for her. Maybe I should take him to the hospital soon, just so he knows where Cosima is. I don’t know… I wish I could call my mom to ask for advice.

* * *

 

It’s another broken night and I don’t know what to do anymore. Hugo came into my room an hour ago and couldn’t stop crying, sniffing his mother’s pillow before he snuggled into my chest. I know it may sound strange, but I like the effect he has on me since yesterday. I’m softer, calmer and I’m suddenly feeling this unfamiliar motherly urge to take care of him, to make sure is happy and okay. Maybe I’m just in survival mode and this urge will disappear the second Cosima comes home again. I don’t know.

“Mmm,” he cried, clutching my t-shirt in his tiny fists, soaking the fabric with his tears.

“I don’t know what you want buddy,” I whispered, kissing the top of his head as I brushed my nose over his curls. I’ve read him three stories, changed his diaper, gave him a glass of water and he’s still upset and crying.

“Hugo,” I cooed. “Tell me what you want please. We need our sleep.”

“Mmm.”

“Mommy?”

“Nnn.”

No? Okay, that’s new.

“What is it then honey? What do you need?”

“Mmm.”

“I don’t understand Hugo,” I said, my own voice cracking with emotion. I’m on the brink of another breakdown. Merde.

“Mmm,” he hummed again and I opened my mouth to snap at him, losing my patience due to exhaustion and feeling like a complete failure, but my throat constricted when Hugo suddenly lifted my shirt and cautiously touched my left breast. I sucked in a breath and my eyes widened in horror as Cosima’s son parted his full lips and snuggled closer into me, his mouth brushing over my skin, searching for a nipple in the darkness. He found it in just two seconds and I managed to stop him before he could latch on.

“NO!” I shouted, completely horrified. I grabbed his small shoulders and pushed him back to Cosima’s side of the bed. His eyes snapped open and he looked at me with a shocked expression on his face, breaking my heart all over again. He’s craving the skin-to-skin contact, needing Cosima’s breasts to soothe himself and create a feeling of safety. He needs her so much that he’s seeing me as an acceptable replacement for his mother right now. It’s a natural thing to do in a situation like this, but he’s far too young to understand that I can’t give him what he needs.

“Hughie,” I whispered, touching his round belly. “We can’t do that buddy. I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, a strange idea popped up in my head. I sat up, took my shirt off and reached under Cosima’s pillow to grab Hugo’s pacifier. I positioned myself on my side and brushed my thumb over his warm cheek.

“Come here,” I encouraged gently, pushing his tiny body against mine, his head resting against my bosom. He looks at me curiously, probably a bit confused too. I wiggled the silicone part of the pacifier between his lips. He immediately responded, opening his mouth wide to take the pacifier into his mouth. Hugo closed his eyes and let out a satisfied hum as he began to suck and started to move his small hand over my ribcage. I’ve seen him doing that before, everytime Cosima nurses him. It’s incredibly cute.

“I know it’s not the same sweetheart, but it’s the best I can offer,” I whispered against the top of his head. He nodded against my breasts and kept his eyes closed, obviously savoring the closeness. Maybe I’ve been too distant in the past weeks? Cosima is always so affectionate with him, hugging and kissing him all the time. She even gives him those popular baby massages if he has trouble falling asleep. Maybe I didn’t hug her son enough? Oh my God, I look a lot more like my mom than I thought. This needs to change, he’s already missing his mother’s love and he clearly needs mine… and I’ve rejected him every single time he asked for it. I can’t even explain how much I hate myself right now.

I looked down at the little boy in my arms. I’m not sure if Cosima would approve of this, Hugo pressed against my bare chest, sucking on his pacifier and me trying to simulate their late night nursing moments. She must think I’m completely insane when she finds out about this, but I’m doing this for her son.

It didn’t take long before my mind started to wander into a direction it shouldn’t go. Me lying like this with a newborn, nursing our baby and Cosima smiling proudly, helping me to do it right. My heart swelled inside my chest as the image became clearer, a wave of calmness and serenity washed over me. A few tears escaped my eyes and I let out a deep sigh. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but Hugo is causing an unfamiliar feeling deep inside my heart that I haven’t felt before. I’m done fighting. I want to let go of my mother, my childhood, and this version of me. This new feeling is confusing and scary, but deep down in my heart, I know Hugo gave it to me and I’ll do my best to shower him with love from now on.

**Author's Note:**

> German translations:
> 
> Du bist die schönste Frau der Welt: You're the most beautiful woman in the world  
> Ich liebe dich: I love you


End file.
